Today should have been your graduation day. I went to see my friends graduating and because I felt you would have wanted me to go. I wish I could have seen you graduate. Only four and a half months short of graduation. I miss you dearly my beloved best friend and brother.

It’s been a little over a month since you decided to end it all. April 17 at 11:45pm Japan time. Mum calls me from London and tells me the news that would shatter me. It was late for her to call – in fact I was almost asleep so almost didn’t answer. I’m glad I did cos f*** me mum needed me more than ever after you left this earth.
i booked a flight over the next morning. In less than six hours after the call I was at Haneda airport waiting for the flight. Strange how logical I was after receiving the call. First thing I did was pack my black suit even though I’d never been to a funeral before. How ironic that my first ever funeral would be my brothers and that I would have to f***ing organise it.
Day one in London and I’m having to pick out a coffin even though I’m not taking any of this s*** in. I’m contacting your friends by phone at first. Some of them cry and there I am consoling them at the other end of he phone. Inside I’m thinking it should be the other way around but I am so numb I just do what I do. Get on with the s***.
This whole month or so has been a blur. How does life continue so normally as if nothing happened? How am I still functioning? I go to work and put on a brave face. There is me at work and me at home – inside I’m worn down, wondering if this will ever hit me, am I coping okay? Is this hitting me now? How am I supposed to feel when part of me still thinks you are in the next room chilling like you always were. You were only 30- whole life ahead of you. Things hit me, like I’m 34 but you’ll never reach that age. How I was depressed and almost ended it almost a decade ago but now am so glad I didn’t. I wanted you to know that feeling. I wanted you to finally get out of the depression. You were doing so well in the past year, and when the depression hit again in February I was confident more than ever that you could come out of it in no time since this time there was no other factor involved in terms of drugs. Only pressure of life. You dealt with both before. This time it was only the pressure. I thought it would only be a little bout of depression. Boy was I wrong.
I miss you so much. We were so f***ing close man. Who am I gonna share all those jokes with now? All the brother only jokes, the funny faces, the funny sounds. You took that all with you and part of me died with you too. I’ll never get over this and everything seems to be just okay now at best. Nothing is good or great or amazing. Cos at the back of my mind you are there. You must have felt so alone when you did what you did. You left me a note and apologised for not being able to meet your future niece or nephew and that everything would be okay cos I am loved cos I have a wife. F*** me you are right. I will be okay. But never good or amazing anymore. Now that you’re gone.
But I know it wasn’t really you. I know that the depression took you. Like any disease like cancer. It overwhelmed you, took over you, and killed you. F***. I miss you so badly and there is nothing I can do about it. I’m hurting all the time especially the evenings after work like now. I wish I had been there physically with you instead of calling every day from abroad. I regret living away from you. I regret sorting out the extra meds to help you sleep. Just regrets fill my mind. Most of all I miss you.

On January 27th, 2018, my big brother committed suicide. We were out as a family and we had gotten into a small argument that normal siblings have. Only, I think it may have hit him differently. The car ride home was silent. When we got home, my brother ran upstairs and slammed his door… or so we thought that’s what happened. 30 seconds later we discovered it was not a door being slammed, it was a gunshot. My best friend had just taken himself from me. The time between January 27th and now just seems to be a huge blur. I still feel as if his death is my fault. I’m still not sure how to go on without him. He was my biggest supporter and he always encouraged me to do my best. I’m honestly not sure why I’m even writing this, I’m just hoping that writing about it makes me feel a little better. If you are reading this, don’t ever let someone walk away from an argument without a solution to the problem. I wish more than anything that I would have ended the fight and told him I loved him because that was my last chance and I had no idea.

I can’t help thinking what you might be doing right now if you hadn’t of left us. Would you still be carrying around the same amount of pain that you were before? Would you have gotten help? You have been sober again? I don’t think that the sober you woulda left us like that. The sober you wouldn’t have left us to pick up the pieces that you left behind. The sober you woulda thought about the funeral costs. The sober you wouldn’t have left your siblings, your parents and friends.
The other day our younger sister asked me if she was dying. it’s hard to explain what happened to someone who doesn’t fully understand. I told her that you were sick and that you would still be here and for her not to worry about her dying. She also asked me why I didn’t follow you to the park after you left the house that night. Boy, do I wish that I did. I didn’t know what to tell her, so I just told her some of the truth, that I didn’t know you went to the park. Because how do you tell your younger sister that you didn’t know that when you heard our bother leave the house that he was going to go and kill himself?
It’s weird how my life is now. How I’m supposed to put on a brave face, make it to work on time and eat meals, like my heart wasn’t just split in two. that my life will forever be altered because you decided to do what you did. How now I’m supposed to put on a smile and look together with the hopes that someday the bad days will get further in-between and how I’m supposed to just move on with my life.
I don’t hate you for what you did, but I sure am angry as hell at you. You should be here. You should be here to live. You should be here to brave this fucked up world with me and to laugh at the jokes in it.
“Hearts yo”

Ki

Ki, I wake up every morning asking god why. Why you, why me, why did god ruin MY life. I look around and I know people just look at me as the “broken girl” and nobody actually wants to stop to help because they’re too afraid to “trigger” me. Losing you has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I look up at the sky everyday just hoping for a sign that you’re with me but so far nothing..am I disappointing you am I not being the young lady you always thought I’d be. My only wish is to make you proud and to show you I can do it without you here guiding me. I’ve took to this site because I know there are  so many people who can help me with my grieving and the struggles I go through everyday. I get looked past because i was only the sister not the mom and not the dad. Nobody thinks us sibling feel what our parents feel, when we feel the same and sometimes even worse. Ki I just hope I’m making you proud and that one day we’ll meet again

can’t stop thinking about it

ever since my little sister made the decision of taking her own life (2 years ago), my brain hasn’t been able to turn off the switch labeled “thinking about it.” I have been wishing for the ability to stop hurting and to be able to live normally but have realized that I need to tackle this head on. I felt like writing a letter to my sister but then I felt like reading letters that other people would write to people who have committed suicide. I still feel like my brain is so full of thoughts of suicide that I can’t think about anything else – I don’t know how to stop this

Thinking of you

Today has been a month since you passed away and I think of you all day long. I know you and I were never very close with us being eight years apart growing up, I was in my own head and living my own selfish teenage years when you were just a kid. I’m sorry I never went to your ball games or any of your school stuff growing up or was really not even a part of your life. I just thought that being with my friends and boyfriend during my teens was more important. I wish so much now that I had been more a part of your life growing up! I missed out on so much of you and your life and that breaks my heart now! I can never make it up to you now. We kind of got closer together as we got older but then I moved away and then it seemed like your life fell apart after your divorce. Oh brother…I wish I had been there more for you! I wish I had told you I loved you more and called you more! Jesus, I hadn’t even talked to you in six months because I lived over here in AZ in my little bubble and didn’t want to know what was going on over there. I think if I had been a different sister to you that you would have grown up to be a different man and I’m so sorry. I failed you as a sister. I should have been a better big sister and I failed you and disappointed you so many times. I’m so sorry..soooo sorry and I don’t think I can every forgive myself. I love you Vince! I hope you know that and I hope you know how sorry I am that I failed you.

Frankie was my brother he cut his own throat in his bedroom I am devastated I feel like I let him down he was my little brother and I always tried to take care of him.

Mother’s Day without you…

Serg, it’s been 5 1/2 months now and your boys birthdays have past, we got through it somehow but the most heartbreak occassion was finally here, “Mother’s Day”… Our mom is devastated, she was in tears all day. We went to have lunch with Moni and there were a few distractions but it never felt the same as when we were all together. She missed your gift (perfume every year), she was so sad it breaks my heart to see her but it broke my heart not to receive your call or text wishing me a happy mother’s day… I guess this is it, this is the way our life will be without you in it! We did not deserve this but we are not selfish, you had your reasons, I just wish you would have given us a choice because we would have begged you to stay close to us and let us help you. Our love for you is so immense that we would have done the impossible to help you. Our family has changed but our strong love has not mijo, I will love you & cry for you all my life. I hope you are happy & pain free like you deserve to be… I love you with all the love possible that one can give… Forever your sis

My baby brother committed suicide on September 29,2017, I can still picture the exact moment and the exact words when I got the call from my mom. I’ve been searching for ways to cope. I’m no longer in denial about the fact that I need to seek professional help.
I miss him so much. No day has been the same since he’s been gone. In this moment I can’t even sleep. Just laying here crying as I looked at his pictures. I wish he’d send me a sign or left a letter. I have so many unanswered questions. I know being gay, having cancer, and coping with HIV was extremely difficult for him. I just wish he’d call and said goodbye. This chapter will never close and I have this huge feeling of guilt.
I never thought that I’d have to deal with anything like this in life. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same. I’m drowning in grief to the point that I can’t even clearly recall our last conversation. I’m pretending to be okay for my family and work but deep down inside I break down a little each day. My family has been very supportive but I need more than that. I need answers that I’ll never get…