11 months… Hurts so much!

Serg, I cannot believe we will be reaching 1 year next month, the worst part of it is that I havent seen, kissed, hugged, talked, text YOU in almost a year… AND will not ever be able to until we see eachother again in heaven. This is so devastating to me, us and everyone that loved you. Our mom is the worst of all, she keeps telling us that you are probably lonely and she needs to go soon to be with you, our dad is hanging on the best he can trying to comfort our mom, at times we seem to be normal but one memory or flashback of you and we start all over with the pain again.. I have seemed to manage to move on somehow because I have faced reality and have realized no matter what I do, no matter how much I suffer you are not coming back & I have to pull it together for my family. I find myself thinking of you every day, there has not been one day since you left that you are not on my mind. I love you & am mad at the same time, mad because you forced us to live a life without you & you didnt bother to think about how this would bring such heartache, unbearable pain, a sadness beyond belief, your selfish act was our worst nightmare! Maybe I am the selfish one, I wasnt the one living with MS, depression, mental issues etc. but you knew we would of done the impossible to save your life, I wish you would have given us a choice. Instead, I will plan a 1 year memorial service on Dec 5, 2018 although you left us on November 29th I want to remember the day we had your beautiful service & not the tragic day you took your life away from us. I sound bitter Serg but I am not, I just miss you so much that I rather be mad than destroyed inside, it helps me get through by staying mad but then I find myself saying sorry to you for being mad and not understanding why you left us. I love you with all my heart & miss you so much it hurts so bad. I hope you will be there with all of us at your 1 year memorial service.. your loving sis

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2 Responses to 11 months… Hurts so much!

  1. Kay says:

    I lost my brother last Friday. He decided to end his life. It’s only been a week and we still have his funeral service in 3 days. I’m reading your post and tears run down my face because it’s exactly how I feel. It hurts to see people moving on with their lives including my own family when I’m still feeling lost with his loss. I feel pain in places I didn’t know existed and the pain is so unbearable that I don’t know how to accept the unacceptable. I felt compelled to write and let you know that you’re not alone. There’s others feeling your pain. I am feeling your pain right now. My husband and kids are with me, but will never know my heart ache and all the palpable sorrow losing my only brother feels. I’ve lost a part of me that will never be filled by anything or anyone. His absence has paralyzed me and hope I can someday find the strength to get back on my feet.

  2. Jen says:

    This is for both sisters, my brother took his life on Saturday, November 10th. Reading your letter to serge and reading kay’s comment really hit me and how I feel. I have the anger towards him but at the same time I feel so lost. He was all I had and he just walked me down the isle 1 year ago. I now have two fathers but I wanted to make him happy and show him that’s he’s always been the man in my life. Kay’s comment that her husband and children are there but basically dont understand…I feel that way as well. My husband and 11 year old son try and just don’t understand. I feel so lost and I don’t know how to move forward. It’s hard to not watch his videos every single day and cry and wear his sweater and hat every night after work. I feel so broken. I have to be strong for his children and grandchild. He was 37. He was supposed to be here for my life. I’m sorry if I am all over the place I just don’t know how to feel. 🙁 I don’t know how to move on from this. I’m so lost without my big brother. We had the most beautiful service for him and i got strength from him that day to get up and give a 20 min eulogy. It was for him. I just don’t know what or how I’m going to get through this.
    Jen

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