Category Archives: Guest Post

Emil, my dear brother

My beloved little brother, who was just 11 years old, hung himself in his room two months ago. I am his older brother who’s 19. These past two months have been literal hell on earth, the sorrow and grief are just so unimaginable but somehow yet so real and brutal. It all began last October when he began getting headache attacks, brutal ones that put him in the hospital. No one could figure out what it was until they realized that it was a mental issue; there was something in his mind that caused physical pains. He was such a loving soul, so fantastic and wholesome, and he always put the people around him first. He always bough be candy when he was in the store with my parents, and he put them on my desk together with a cute note. But since his attacks started his personality changed, and the rage attacks began instead, together with frequent passing outs and memory blackouts. This went on for several months and I was just so angry, so confused and so worried. Something was obviously seriously wrong, and I thought he was receiving the help he needed from professionals, I TRUSTED THEM, but as it turned out, he in fact received no real help at all, since therapy “isn’t for children”. I didn’t notice it, but he was deeply depressed for several months from spring to summer, oh how could I not see it? I moved out at the beginning of summer due to studies and was mostly removed from the progress for the last months. One week before his suicide I visited home, and he was happier than I had seen him in months, and he was finally sleeping in his own bed. I was so, so happy, and we all thought that he finally was getting better. One week later I receive a call that I need to get to the hospital as fast as possible, and that cops were coming to give me a ride. At that moment, some part of me realized what had happened, but my hope that he still lived was so strong all the way until I received the news from my crying mother. I can not believe he is gone. The thoughts of passing through life without him by my side make me want to disappear, oh they are so brutal to me. I want him back, please come back. Sometimes I dream of him, and it is so real. I tell him that he is so loved and that everything will be fine soon – I REALLY THOUGHT SO. I miss you so, so much, and I know that you are up there, watching down on me. You will always be in my heart, and I will never, ever forget about you, your kindness, or your beautiful smile. I love you.

Grief

3 years after you’ve left us but yet it still does not feel real. None of it does. I have dreams of you at night, where your back from the dead. My heart races as it feels so real. I have a sense of yearning and joy like I have never experienced in my life at the thought of having a second chance with you brother. A second chance to be there for you like you have always been for me, and I make a promise to never leave your side again. Then I wake up to this painfully excruciating reality that it was all a dream. That you are really gone. Out of my reach. I find myself bitter looking at my friends and their brothers, knowing that should have been you and me making those memories. I still have not found a way to cope with our loss. Yet in the exterior I have managed to keep up a great facade. I miss you more than you could’ve ever imagined.

Little Brother

This December will mark 3years. My little brother ended his life at 22yrs old. So young, so much potential, so many things he will miss. We grew up very close bc our mother was very strict and basically kept us together at all times. It was rare that we’d be separated for anything. This was until college and I barely seen my brother bc he was always working and I lived on campus. My brother was the funniest person I knew. I can’t help but to think he enjoyed making ppl laugh bc he knew what it was like to feel sad. He was a good person, we just grew up in unfortunate circumstance that I believe contributed to his mental health. He left a note but of course that didn’t ease anyone’s mind. Still so many questions and of course still grieving. My perception on life has drastically changed and I find myself doing good some days and other days completely falling apart. I hide it though because I don’t want people knowing I’m still hurt by it. But then it comes out in the way I treat my family and in my attitude. I just feel like something is missing in my life and nothing I’ve tried has been able to fill a portion of that void. I miss my brother’s presence. It’s hard you know? You can’t just lay in bed all day and cry. You have to get up and pretend like you’re getting stronger and that you’re not still so deeply hurt by it. It somewhat gives me comfort that I’m not alone in this. I hope and pray that we all find a way to bring peace to our minds and souls so that we can live our lives for the siblings we lost. I personally feel like I owe it to my brother to live my life to its’ fullest potential for the both of us. Peace & love

Leo

This is my first time going on this site. I am 18 now, but when I was 15, my 13 year old brother hung himself in our room, on our bunk bed. There was no note, and seemingly no reason as to why he did it, or what he was thinking at the time. I was the one who found him. His name was Leo and he was my only sibling.
Over the years I have felt so numb and different. Sometimes I feel like I have no emotions and I feel nothing. Having his suicide been 3 years ago, enough time has passed to where I have adjusted to my own unique reality. I notice a huge change in my relationships with people. It was not instantanious, but it took time for me to realize. I have trouble dealing with anything commitment. I feel as if I can easily find the flaws and bad in other people; and that forces me to push them out of my life. This makes me feel like I’m not normal and I’m just a really evil person.
Going from having someone I can talk to all the time about anything, to nothing at all; i feel betrayed. I’ve isolated myself from a lot of things. I spend most of my days just playing xbox. I dont share how i feel with my parents because i really don’t know how to express in words the amount of pain and feelings of abandonment that i experience sometimes.
Being only 13, it hurts that much worse. He wasn’t an adult. He was a child. And he committed suicide. The suicide aspect of his death adds a personal touch to his departure. Almost like it was directed at me and my parents. Growing up, we had a really great life. He was not bullied in school. We didnt have family issues; in fact, we had a really strong family bond. So when I start thinking about reasons why he would do it. I start thinking because of me. I was his older brother, and I couldnt be there for him and now I will never be able to.
Adjusting to that reality, i dont think, is possible. And if it is, it takes longer then 3 years. Me being 18, I have to struggle finding my own personal identity. Figuring out who I am in life. That is not easy. On top of that, dealing with grief and everything that comes along with it, just sucks. No other words to describe where I am at right now, except just stuck.
His 17th birthday is in 2 days from writing this post. Usually, the 2 weeks leading up to his birthday are usually pretty rough, and then his birthday just comes and its, okay. I just figured I’d share my story on here, because I’ve never done something like this before.

3 years…..feels like a lifetime

Dear Baby Brother,
Wow, it will be 3 years tomorrow. I started thinking about it today at work and started crying. I think about you everyday. Its getting better but you still broke my heart. With all this shit going on in the world right now, I wanted to txt you so many times and hear your dry sarcastic responses to things. HA!
Made Detective finally, but I think you already knew that 😉
Guess I dont have a lot to say as I talk to you all the time at night. Labor Day was awful. Couldnt stop crying as this was the last time I saw you. CW and the kid just left me alone. I blamed it on the bonfire smoke so I wouldnt scare the little guy, who is getting BIG!! Online learning right now, could have used you for computer advise the other day. All these little things of daily life you take for granted until someone is gone…..fuk!!!
I will say it feels like so much longer that just 3 years. Maybe because I feel you took our childhood from me. I dont even like to look at pictures because I see you and wonder when it all changed. It was me and you and now its just me and it wasnt suppose to be like that! I then I think about all the family responsibilities you left me with. Now I have to make decisions by myself. Im not prepared to do that!!! Its not fair! There, I said it!! And after mom and dad are gone, it was to be us helping each other out. Bouncing life ideas off each other. CW is around but he is my husband, not blood and he didnt grow up with the experiences we did. Its not the same. I still need you!!!! Now I feel like I could throw up. I miss you so much!!!!!!!!!!!! I love you so much!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sis.

I’m having trouble because the losses are continuing!

I’m having such a hard time right now. 2020 has been a horrible year and not just because of the COVID crisis.

I lost my stepdad in January due to neglect.  My brother took his own life while going through a horrible divorce. I tried so hard to help him but it was just too much for him to bear.

I lost my sister to breast cancer 10 weeks after my brother died. I have lost all my siblings and now I must make the decision as to whether my mom (she’s 86) can live alone anymore.

I don’t know how much more heartache I can take! I talk to a therapist once a week, otherwise I don’t know if I’d get through these past nine months.

I wish I could take my mom out more (she loves to go shopping) but I am too afraid due to her age and the possibility of her contracting COVID.
Thank you so much for letting me get this off my chest! I feel like I’ve cried on my loved one’s shoulders too many times! Sometimes even telling my story to complete strangers can help me make it through another day. Thank you again!

How I miss you…

My dearest sista put a gun in her mouth today and pulled the trigger. She is now on life support with her 2 grown sons at the hospital. I am far away but my nephew said not to come. She won’t make it past tomorrow. She just turned 51 and I am devastated. Cradle to grave I thought. My ride or die through life…my best friend…how do I go on without her???

Will I Ever Sleep Again?

My baby brother, Doug, shot himself in the head two days ago. I am struggling with every emotion I have read about. What I have not read about is the images that are engraved in my head of him sitting in his car, alone…and the graphic details of his death. I don’t think I will ever be able to close my eyes again and sleep peacefully. Please help me!

I understand

My sister killed herself with meth in her system. I had sent her a careless text a few days before and argued and made her feel she couldn’t reach out to me. I was the only person left she would have gone to. I feel so guilty. And tired. Sometimes i feel like I’m taking her place. Her life seemed hopeless and hard, I understand why she felt like taking it was an option. Im not suicidal myself, but I can’t forgive myself for not seeing how horrible life had been for her and just assuming she’d get through it. I feel like I deserve to feel even a little how she did, and still it doesn’t compare.
Damp
The ocean pulses against me
In
Out
Over
around
pullmetugmetakemeconsumeme
Sometimes I wish the water would just take me
No longer damp, but
Drowned.
Right there with you sister
Sometimes,
I think she had the right idea.
And while I feel so ashamed, I can’t stop myself from thinking it.
And pondering it
For a while
pullmetugmetakemeconsumeme
Sink into the edge
The ocean pulses against me
In
Out
Over
Around
Like blood pumping,
A dank existence that never stops
An infinite cycle, damp, uncomfortable.
clogged skin, clogged senses, clogged mind.
A dank existence that never stops–
Never stops
Pulsing
Drowning doesn’t look so bad
pullmetugmetakemeconsumeme
With clouded eyes,
You jumped in–
And sank.
My eyes are wide open.
Crusted in tears like the hot sand that lines what consumed you.
I don’t stare at the water.
I stare at you.
No clouds haze across my sky
But you do.
The constant tug of the ocean
The constant scortch of the sand
The constant pulse
pullmetugmetakemeconsumeme
The constant pulse,
That just. Won’t.
pullmetugmetakemeconsumeme
Maybe to have the right idea
You need clouds.
Or maybe,
Had I been right there with you,
Sister
The ocean would not have pulled
The sand would not now burn
And an existence that never stops,
Wouldn’t look so bad.
But My eyes are wide open.
Damp
The ocean pulses against me
In
Out
Over
around
pullmetugmetakemeconsumeme

Peas in a pod?

You and I, we are the same. You were the one person on earth to be so much like me and you took your own life. Is it going to happen to me, too? I have been living with depression for years, just like you. Genetically, we are alike. Raised in the same environment, so if you as my big brother couldn’t stand the world, how will I survive? I try so hard to be okay, to snap out of it but most days I am hardly breathing really. So am I gonna suffer the same fate too? I am so lost without you, it feels so incomplete, this world, it feels so incomplete without you. Most days I don’t want to be here anymore, I just want to be with you. To know you are okay, to know you finally found rest. Please if you can, come to me in my dreams and tell you are okay. Just once, I just need to know you are okay. I need you to know I love you, so far you have been the biggest influence of my life. I love you so much.