Missing My Brother

My little brother took his life about 4 1/2 months ago & tomorrow is his birthday(mine was Sunday) so it’s extremely difficult. I lost my mom a few years back, I feel my brothers loss in such a different way.i just miss him so. I have so many unanswered questions…I just don’t know what to do with all my sadness.

I’m Sorry I Couldn’t Save You

Big brother. When you left me, you took part of me with you. That morning I should have been paying closer attention. You were always taking care of me, standing up for me, and consoling me when something was wrong. You took me everywhere with you and the first 3 months of high school, we had never been closer. I didn’t mind ironing your shirt in the morning, because I knew that I would get a hug afterwards and a kiss on the head. You treated me so wonderfully.
That day, you let me pick out your outfit, you asked Mom to make your favorite thing for breakfast, you actually looked Dad in the eyes when we got out of the car and told him you loved him, and you called me . . . I’m so glad that I took that phone call, but I should have realized that you were about to do the unspeakable. The last thing you said to me was that you loved me. I waited for you after school, but you didn’t answer the phone. The buses had left already. It was too long of a walk to go home. I called Mom several times but she was still at work. I waited 2 hours. I was going to march straight into your room and ask you why you left me out there, but it wasn’t until we pulled in the driveway, the same time as Dad, we all had a feeling that you were just listening to your music to loud, or maybe you were watching a movie.
By the time we got to the porch, we could hear “Hey Joe” blaring from your speakers. All three of us went straight to your door and opened it.
Before I knew it I was screaming and sobbing like I had just lost my mind. All these strange people coming into my home and taking pictures of you. I threw up twice and the paramedics were going to sedate me. You left me. Your lips were already blue.
Mom and Dad listened to the tapes you left for them after the police gave them back to us. They questioned all of us separately and I couldn’t even speak a single word over my tears so I had to write down my answers. Half of my life was gone. And now as I reach another anniversary I really have spent half of my life missing you.
I’m never going to listen to the tape you left me. I want the last words you ever said to me be, “I love you.”

How Long

How long will I will i be angry at people? I feel like I cant relate to any of my friends when they talk about their problems. I hate everyone that complains about the smallest s*** and meanwhile I have a entire my mountain weighing down on my back.
I was not a bitter person before this loss, but now I find myself angry and bitter at others most of the time. And since most don’t know about my loss and this especially of this nature my distantness NO ONE understands.
When will this feeling stop?

Half My Life Without My Brother

I lost my older brother almost 15 years ago. I had already outlived him by the age of 16.
Now I’m sitting at home, with no job and no way of contributing to my household. My anxiety, PTSD and depression reared it’s hurtful desires to consume me once again. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of my brother. He was my best friend. The day that I got married I always pictured my brothers smiling face staring at me while my life became whole. I am afraid that it just simply doesn’t happen for someone like me. I will never be whole. There will always be a part of me that is broken over the loss. There are some days where I still can’t believe he is gone. I search for his face everywhere I go, even though I watched him being buried. I thought he was playing the cruelest joke on me when I saw him laying there dressed up. It wasn’t until they told me that they had to close the casket and I kissed him gently on the forehead that I finally realized he was actually gone and left me to take care of mom and dad by myself. When have I had enough pain in my life?

love you wehhee

Today makes a month and two days since you decided to leave and it hasn’t gotten any easier yet. I still hope and pray that you’re at peace and that you don’t have the pain that you had when you were here on earth.
I saw you in my dream tonight – it woke me up, because you were alive and seemed so close. we were together and you weren’t shut off to me like you were before you died. it was nice to think you were near to me for a little while.
I still barely sleep, but I’m starting to be able to more. same with eating. everywhere reminds me of you while I’m back home. it’s still so raw and unreal. people don’t really get it – I’ve been at NL this week and people will ask me how mom and dad are or about you and the memorial (ten days away) or they will say they’re sorry, but they don’t understand what it’s like for me when they say some of the things they say. it hurts.
I love you and I miss you so much. you’ll always be big brother. I still haven’t figured out what life is without you, but brother, I don’t think I’ll ever like it as much as I loved you. I’m terrified about losing em now that you’re gone (he loves you, too). say hi to ken for me <3 – maybe I’ll see you in my dreams again.

Little brother

It’s been a year and 3 months now… I don’t really even know where to begin… Ever since the day that it happened and I seen you laying there, cold, I’ve never felt like I was able to cope, or even ever have the time. I hid, I broke and fell, and when other people around, I stood tall and stayed strong for them. I never gave myself the chance to let out all the emotions that came with losing you… Even today when mom brings you up and wants to talk about it, all I feel like I can do is act emotionless and be an ear for her to listen to. I tell her what she wants to hear even though I think differently.
I miss you a lot man, and I don’t know how to cope with losing you. I’ve been trying for this past year to “move on” and it just feels like the more I try to move on, the more I forget… I look at a picture of you now and I don’t recognize you anymore… Neither can I listen to a recording of you and be able to tell that it’s you… I don’t know who you are anymore and I feel numb at the thought of you. Numb in a way that makes me feel like “it’s ok, I’m living my life”. I feel terrible, and guilty. But I don’t know what else to do…
Why did I have to dream about it before it happened and not be able to recognize it or do anything about it…? You doing that forced me to watch OUR favorite show’s final episode, by myself… For the first time in my entire life, I had to watch our favorite show, without you. I feel like I lost more than just you, I feel like I lost nearly 3/4 of who I am… Everyday since that day I can feel myself faking all the emotions like it doesn’t matter… You just wait until I get up there and kick your butt… I’ll have a lot of stories to tell you.

How?

How am I expected to continue to live after you’re gone? How am I watching my family crumbling still, 2 years later with grief, yet everything and everyone else is moving as if nothing ever happened?
How am I supposed to live with the guilt of not helping you and ignoring you at the time you needed ME the most????? I know I could’ve prevented this. But instead I’m stuck with the consequence and living a life with out you – my only best friend, my brother. Waking up each and every morning has become a daunting task, an unbearable reality. I miss you so much it’s not even humanly possible. I’ll die a thousand times over if it meant you would be alive now instead of me. How does anyone live with this type of guilt?

Jake

“I woke up in the morning and I didn’t want anything, didn’t do anything, couldn’t do it anyway, just lay there listening to the blood rush through me and it never made any sense, anything.” It’s been over a month since you shot yourself, and I’ve only now found something that puts how I’m feeling into words. “And it never made any sense, anything” is how I feel. You are such a huge part of my life, and now you’re gone. I’m not religious, and I don’t know if we’re going to see each other again. That thought scares me to my core. I hope your soul is somewhere, existing. I hope you’re happy, and I hope my soul meets yours again. F***, Jake, I miss you so much.
Love, Emma