How?

How am I expected to continue to live after you’re gone? How am I watching my family crumbling still, 2 years later with grief, yet everything and everyone else is moving as if nothing ever happened?
How am I supposed to live with the guilt of not helping you and ignoring you at the time you needed ME the most????? I know I could’ve prevented this. But instead I’m stuck with the consequence and living a life with out you – my only best friend, my brother. Waking up each and every morning has become a daunting task, an unbearable reality. I miss you so much it’s not even humanly possible. I’ll die a thousand times over if it meant you would be alive now instead of me. How does anyone live with this type of guilt?

Jake

“I woke up in the morning and I didn’t want anything, didn’t do anything, couldn’t do it anyway, just lay there listening to the blood rush through me and it never made any sense, anything.” It’s been over a month since you shot yourself, and I’ve only now found something that puts how I’m feeling into words. “And it never made any sense, anything” is how I feel. You are such a huge part of my life, and now you’re gone. I’m not religious, and I don’t know if we’re going to see each other again. That thought scares me to my core. I hope your soul is somewhere, existing. I hope you’re happy, and I hope my soul meets yours again. F***, Jake, I miss you so much.
Love, Emma

Both siblings gone

Last year I finally managed to get pregnant and my daughter was born in September. By October though, my sister was dead. She’d met my baby just once. I still feel quite numb to her death in the haze of new parenthood, and feel so so sad for our own parents. They are beside themselves with grief. There’s also a massive sense of dejavu since my brother also took his life 12 years ago. It’s strange to think I was the youngest of 3 and now I have no siblings left. It’s also sad to think my daughter will have no siblings (not possible), no aunts or uncles, or even first cousins (my partner was an only child). For the second time in my life I’ve had to deliver a eulogy, this time with no preparation and on little sleep, but overall I find it hard to understand why my sister would decide to go when knowing the affect it would have on my parents, and the support they gave, and would’ve continued to give her. I know my folks are questioning if I’d do the same, and no amount of reassurance helps. I can’t help wondering if there is something in our family that puts us at risk, or indeed if people around me are wondering the same. It’s hard to make sense of it happening twice.

I Lost My Little Sister.

It’s been two weeks since my sister committed suicide. She was such a happy person and she was always very open about her feelings, I don’t understand how this could have happened. My mom says it’s because she had a tough year with her studies and couldn’t bear the news that she failed the first entry exam she took. She worked so much and didn’t even wait to see if she got in the others schools.
I feel like it still hasn’t fully sunk in yet. I thought her funerals would help me get out of my denial but there is still a part of me that can’t believe it. I hadn’t seen her in 10 months because I was studying abroad so I feel like I have no clear memories of her, all I have is some texts and blurry screenshots from our rare video calls. My mom tells me about all the things they did together this year and I feel like I missed on so much.
I also feel so guilty. I never showed her how much I loved her. We would have had to live together for money reasons if she got into the school she applied for in Paris because I was going to study here too. She knew I had a friend who was looking for a roomate and I wanted to live with them instead of her. She probably felt very hurt because of that and there’s no way it didn’t influence her wish to die. I’ll never forgive myself for this.

My Brother I Grew Up With

It’s 5/24/2019 today and I came home to the most unbelieveable of news, my mother told me my brother had committed suicide. He was my younger brother at 29 years old, a week before his 30th birthday. He was only 3 years younger than me so we grew up together. I never had any friends growing up so he was the only person I could talk to, talk about videogames, cartoons, toys, movies, anything.
It’s unbelieveable you are gone. I always imagined you would be the one with a family and kids and do better than me, you were already doing far better than me making more money than I’d ever see in my lifetime, your own apartment, everything.
I don’t know why you did it. Our mother and father are devastated, but more importantly is the impact you had on our younger siblings. Our sister is only 15 years old, she loved you and idolized you, do you know what impact your death will have on her for the rest of her life? Do you realize what it’s like for a 15 year old girl to lose her older brother unexpectedly? Do you realize you caused her depression for the rest of her life? That it’s possible in the future when she feels depressed, she’ll think, “my brother committed suicide, maybe I should do it too.” Seriously, what were you thinking? Were you not thinking of her at all when you did it? You’ll never see her smiling face again, or our brothers, do you realize how much joy you gave them? I would have thought our younger siblings would have been enough to keep you going, they should have been enough.
I’m sitting here in tears as well. Who am I going to talk to for the rest of my life? There was no reason you couldn’t have come here, called us one last time, come over and just stay here at home. Now I’m going to think for the rest of my life how I lost my brother on this date every single day. I’m still in shocked, and as the months and years will go on, I’ll never get over this day.
You had your whole life ahead of you, I’m halfway into my 30’s and know the next 20-30+ years will be completely differently and full of opportunities and change. Taking your life so young is so depressing and a travesty. I don’t know what we’re going to think going forward, but I miss you already and its only been a day. And now I have to think about this for my next 40+ years till I’m 80? God******.
I hope our brother and especially sister can live happy lives. I hope that whereever you are, you know we all miss you and will think of you forever. This had no reason to happen, I’m going to look back on this post decades from now and still be in the same shock I’m in today. I can’t believe the last thing I said to you was, “I’m going to sleep now, so long, I guess you have to leave.” You were happy just a week ago talking about movies/shows, with the family. Why’d you have to make it the last time? I miss you so damn much. Goodbye, Michael, I miss you so much. Our family didn’t have to be split up like this, we had so much going for us. You had so much. Thank you for lending me RE3 of all things just to play through it, now I’m going to remember this as the last thing you sent to me. Feels like a dream.
I’m going to go to bed and wish I could see you tomorrow but I know I won’t. Why. Why. If you can somehow read this or see the family, you were the best. I hope we’ll be reunited someday, I pray to God there is an afterlife. LOVE YOU.

My Beautiful Sister

Still not accepted what has happened on May 2nd, my sister, mother of my 3 beautiful nieces and gorgeous nephew decided to end her life. I wish I onew how bad it was I wish she told me, she was always my rock and I just wish I could have been hers, I knew of the demons and I know she knew how much we all loved her, I just want to hold her and hear her voice, if I could hold her one last time I would never let her go, I would have dropped everythi g to help her and just wished she leaned on me more. My darling Sister.

My sister

Dear Sister,
I found out you were not physically on this earth 4 hours ago. I’m so confused. You messaged me just hours before. Why didn’t you tell me something?? I hope you know that I loved you . I’m sorry it had been so long since we saw each other. I feel so confused.

Missing you like crazy

There’s so much to say so many mixed emotions it’s been 19 long years and not a day feels different then the one before. I miss you so much I need you so much. My big bro my protector you’re suppose to be here to help me, see your nieces, have you own kids, help take care of Mommy and Daddy, just live a happy life. Some days are harder then others and I jus don’t know what to do but I have 2 girls looking up to me. I just wish you would’ve spoke to someone, your life was worth way more. This was not how life was suppose to go. I miss you so much. I’m having a hard day. I love you always Little sister Chucky

Forever changed

On April 18, 2019 my world has forever changed! You had SO much going for you! You where only 31.. We never seen it coming. You were always happy always the strong level headed one.. you were my big bubba. The one I looked up to when I needed advice or anything at that matter. I requested broken halos be played at your service.. I keep trying to relate to the song went is says.. don’t go looking for the reasons. Don’t go asking Jesus why. We’re not meant to know the answers. They belong to the by and by. But I keep asking why. I am at the point where I can hardly sleep, eat or even think straight. When I lay down all I can think of is you laying in that bed. Wondering what was your final thoughts? Are you at peace now? I know I am not alone and you are here with me. You are showing me day after day. I have never felt something so strong when you show me a sign. I use to try to find a logical reason behind it.. but there wasn’t any. It makes me a little at peace knowing you are okay and looking down on me.. Me and momma are doing our best with making sure everything you listed in your letters are taken care of.. I hope we are making you proud! My heart aches and feels so empty with out you here.. I am getting to the point at times I feel completely numb. And don’t know how to deal with the situation still. Just know that we love you and there is never a day that goes by that we don’t think of you. You will always be my bubba and I can’t wait to see you again!