Category Archives: Guest Post

Having a tough time these days without my brother

I’m having a really tough time these days. My mental health has been deteriorating because I am running out of ways to stay distracted. It’s been 2 and a half years since you died and I haven’t even began to comprehend it. I just didn’t have time to grieve, so I didn’t and every time I would think of you, it would lead to a weird experience where I think “huh? he can’t be dead. How in the world could he be dead? And before I send myself into a panic attack, I just go on Instagram to distract myself. Life is really f***** hard and I just don’t know what to do anymore. God said that if he took something from me, he would give me something to fill the hole in return. How could he replace my brother??? Nothing could ever compensate for the way I feel.

My Brother

I don’t really know why I’m here, I just know I need to put my thoughts somewhere as right now they’re trapped inside my head. I don’t know if anyone is even going to read this but I know I’ll feel a sense of relief once I hit send. I’m a survivor of sibling suicide.
I’m not sure survivor is the correct word I’d use because I’ve not been surviving since it happened.
I’ve not looked into getting support until now, nearly 6 months later. Support from family and friends is just simply not enough. No words can make me feel better and no one knows what I’m going through unless you’ve been through it yourself, which is how I ended up on this website.
I’m 23 and my brother was 20.
I still live at home with my parents, my 18 year old sister and my brother who is no longer here.
We had a very happy childhood and life up until that point, which keeps me wondering why it happened.
My brother was very sensitive. He liked to sit in his room all day playing his PlayStation. He was definitely a home bird like myself. We liked our own company.
I won’t say he was odd but some of the friends he hung around with weren’t a great influence which led him to get into trouble a handful of times. I’m getting off track here but I want whoever is reading to understand the type of person he was. He had his anxieties and the day after his death and the day we visited him in the mortuary, he was supposed to be at a job interview. He had been unemployed since he finished school. Like myself he wasn’t sure of what he wanted to do in life and was afraid of growing up but he just needed to get out of his shell.
He had a girlfriend who he seemed to be really fond of, they were together for around 10 months and broke up a short while after Christmas.
I’m not certain it had anything to do with his actions but may have played a part, I will never know. He never left a note or any trace of “why”.
It was New Year’s Eve and I had gotten promoted in my job, with very little time to celebrate, my new position would start January 20th. I had been practicing my new title while in work with the help of my manager so I’d be ready and also at the time we were doing a stock take so I came home on the 8th of January exhausted after working 4 full days in a row. It’s Wednesday night and I hadn’t seen my brother since the weekend, not even remembering the last conversation I had with him. I was always out of the house before he was awake and I came home from work and went straight to bed.
That night I had come home to hear he was drunk, got scolded and went to sleep it off. Everything about that night and our routines had changed, as if it were meant to happen. My usual routine was coming home at 8pm, having dinner in front of the tv with my mam, while my dad watched a movie in the dining room/kitchen. That night I decided to leave my mam asleep, eat dinner in my room and watch twilight with my sister. During this time my brother was supposedly asleep. My dad decided to watch tv in the sitting room because I was upstairs. These actions ruined our lives. Not that we were to know, these situations had happened before where he came home drunk and slept it off.
I was so tired that I turned the movie off halfway through and went to sleep roughly at 9:30pm. I was awoken an hour later by screaming downstairs. I was so afraid to move that it took me at least a full minute to get out of bed and see what was happening. I thought a murderer had gotten into our house. I met my sister on the stairs screaming “he stabbed himself”. My legs were like jelly as I ran downstairs and entered the kitchen where I seen my brother laying on the couch we had in the room, sitting slightly slouched and eyes wide open staring at me. I sometimes can’t seem to remove that awful image from my head when I close my eyes. I don’t want to get too graphic or go into too much detail. At the time I thought he was alive, I don’t know why because there was hardly any blood left inside him. I was just trying to be hopeful. Ambulance came, police came, he had been removed from the “scene” and were questioned. The whole entirety of that night has traumatised me. The way we were all being questioned as if we had done something because of the circumstances of his death. I know they were only doing their job and It definitely wasn’t a typical suicide case or way to do it. He had stabbed himself in the heart with a knife. We were told he would’ve died instantly which is the only thing keeping me going. Knowing he wasn’t in any sort of pain and not being able to shout for help. We thought it had happened as soon he did it, my mam got up to the toilet and she found him. My dad heard a glass break which we thought he was holding at the time of his death, as he must’ve come down for a drink like he always did. Normally he’d pop his head into my mam or dad to say sorry or hello, he didn’t this time. No one heard him, no one knew why it had happened, we were in complete shock. The doctor told my dad he had been there for an hour before he was found which I still question to this day. I just don’t understand. I’m forever going to question that night and never get the answers I want which is the biggest struggle for me. I could cope with an explanation but I don’t have one.
I went back to work on January 20th and seemed to be doing well.
Fast forward to lockdown where I’m unemployed and having to be stuck in the house where my brother took his own life 24/7. I’m being constantly reminded of his absence.
This is the first time I’m dealing with grief, the first time I’m losing someone, someone so close to me. I don’t know if my grieving behaviour is normal or excusable. I don’t know how to grieve. I don’t know how to cope. People rely heavily on support from friends whereas I push them away and isolate myself completely and try deal with my emotions on my own.
People around me seem to be moving on with their life and I’m stuck on this loop.
I’ve been crying every night since it’s happened and I’m afraid that soon I won’t be able to get out of the hole I dug for myself.
I hear the saying “you don’t get over it, you learn to live with it” but I don’t know how to.

You may know me as the girl whose brother killed himself

In March 2019 I heard the words that still haunt me to this day. **** has killed himself. Those were the words my mum said to me. I can’t even describe the pain, even to this day I can’t even explain the stabbing feeling I felt.

My big brother was the most sweet, kind and polite person you would ever meet. I used to get embarrassed at how unbelievably nice he was to people. Unfortunately, people see this as a weakness. He had terrible self esteem issues that I too suffer from, but we were never the type to talk about how we felt. He always seemed down ever since I can remember.  We just thought that was his personality. (can you believe it, his own family, me! actually thought this!)

My brother didn’t have any friends and his work colleagues bullied and made fun of him. I too was in the same situation as my brother and would often contemplate my life but I am so unbelievably fortunate to have found someone who loves me and wanted to spend his life with me, my brother never got that chance.

Our mum, she is the best mum anyone could ask for, she would do anything for us. She loved him more than life itself and they would speak two to three times a day. She has had to do a lot for us both to ensure we had a good life which meant sacrificing her own happiness, but you don’t realise any of this when you are young.

I was always so hard on my brother and he always said stop acting like my mum. I didn’t mean it, I just loved him so much and knew he was destined for great things because he is so smart and kind he could do anything. As we grew older I met someone and went to university, unaware my brothers life continued to collapse around him. I just never knew it was that bad. Like most of you, it’s that idea that my sibling was able to collect items to kill himself and actually drive somewhere all alone as I slept snug in my bed. I always thought to myself if something bad was to happen to my family I would get a feeling in my body that would alert me, I never got this.

My mum is broken she is the most important person on this earth and I love her more than words can describe. Hearing my mum tell me she can’t go on and is living a nightmare is just heart breaking. I wish I could speak to her but I just don’t know what to say, and I should! I am the only person she has left! I just feel guilty and should have seen the signs! I tell myself everyday that I am a horrible person and it’s all my fault. I can’t get the words out if my head. I am angry at him aswell for doing this to himself and allowing my mum to suffer. The emotions are so mixed it’s like a rollercoaster. I dream about him almost every night and think about him every time I am alone with my thoughts. I just wish I could feel him near me have a sign that he is happy, something to tell me that he is ok, anything.

I have no idea how to continue my life, I have the most sweetest husband in the world and we had our baby boy 10 weeks ago which was another stupid thing to do to my mum as I think it kills her inside to see this little baby boy and she just lost her own baby boy. There is nothing I can do to take the pain away from my mum and it kills me, she is such a loving person and doesn’t deserve this, no one does. She loved her boy so so much and I just don’t know how she will continue, that’s what scares me the most. I don’t want another call like that again, my mum is the only family I have left I can’t lose her! My brother was in his early 30’s, he should have been living life to the fullest and watching his sons grow up.

I feel like a terrible person for laughing, smiling or just trying to have a normal day, I feel guilty for having a great relationship with my husband when my brother never knew what it was like to have a soulmate. I feel horrible for finally feeling I had a home with my husband where I feel safe, when my brother never felt at home anywhere. I feel terrible for going to university when my brother had kids young and couldn’t afford to go to university. I feel guilty for having a good day when my brother never had one.

I wish I had listened to my brother and helped him in any way I could. I wish I could have one last hug. I wish I could remind him how special and loved he is. But no these wishes will never come true. I will continue to live this life with guilt, anger, worry and loneliness. Guilt, that I should have been there for my big brother, my only sibling. Anger at the people who made my brother feel worthless and ridicule him. Worry, that my mum will follow in his footsteps. Loneliness, that I can never tell my friends or family how I really feel and continue to distance myself from the world. I will forever be known as the girl whose brother killed him self. Thank you for your time.

Today’s your birthday, June 13

Today’s your birthday, brother. I’ll spend the day in the backyard, reading like you used to do. Of course my mind will drift off thinking of you. It doesn’t take your birthday to think about you.  I always do, no matter what day. You should be here, is what I always tell myself and of course the why question is there all the time. I’m afraid will never be answered. When you left, it left with you.

You’re free now brother, but we are not, never will be. Mom can’t even talk to me about you, when I start talking, she stops. It’s too painful for her. My feelings are bottled up and I am grateful for this group that I can express them. Even if no one responds, it’s a relief in a sense. I know I’ve drifted off the topic, my brother’s birthday today. Later in eve, will go to your favorite Thai restaurant for takeout and order your favorite dishes. When it comes to the cake later, you know what my wish will be when I blow out the candles, the same wish for the last 5 yrs of your birthday. That I wish you were here, brother. Happy Birthday in Heaven, brother, I love you and miss you beyond words can say…. your sister

Missing Sarah

My sister Sarah took her own life on February 22nd 2020. We were a family of 11 kids and she was my oldest sister. Although we weren’t close growing up and butted heads more often than not, as I got older and became a teenager, the 8 year difference between us didn’t seem to matter and she became one of my best friends. It almost seems like an understatement to say that I loved her more than anything on this earth. It’s funny how you don’t think your happiness depends on any one person until that person leaves with no explanation, and you are never going to see them again. And suddenly life loses a lot of its color.

Sarah embodied what being an older sister means in every way. She had the annoying habit of bossing me around and acting like she was my mom (one of the many reasons we butted heads as kids) but she also could make you feel like the most loved and important people in the world. She put so much pressure on herself to be this perfect example for me and my siblings, so much so that every time she felt she made a mistake she would beat herself up over it and allow herself to feel guilty. I would always tell her that nothing she could ever do would make me stop loving her and that I would always have her back, because I knew that no matter what, she would have mine. I still wonder if she ever fully believed me. I hope she did.

There’s a lot more to my relationship with Sarah, the past 4 years put a big strain on it. But I never stopped loving her, and I would have died for that kid. I guess what hurts the most is that she couldn’t live for me or the rest of my family. I never gave up on her, but she repeatedly gave up on herself. I will never know what went through her head on the daily, her journals only tell a very small part of her story, but I would have gladly helped her carry it if she trusted me to. It’s hard not to feel rejection and I guess right now I’m in that stage of grief. Not having anyone to talk to only makes it harder. Sarah’s death has seemed to make strangers of every single one of my family members, and even though my family is so big, I have never felt more alone in my entire life. I know if Sarah was here she would help me carry all this, and I wouldn’t be going through it alone. I guess that’s what I miss the most about her. I hope that she doesn’t see all what’s going on right now, cause the only peace I have is at least she’s happy where she is at, and if she saw the heartbreak her leaving caused, she couldn’t feel happy. I really do hope she’s happy, that’s all I ever wanted for her.

6 yr anniversary

It’s been 6 yrs now that I loss my brother, my only sibling. Two days became 6 yrs, the one day when he went missing and I believe died and 3 days later, his body recovered. He was found in a lake. I keep visualizing in my mind, you walked into the water and let yourself drown. I saw my brother two days before,he seemed fine. It was the last time I would see my brother alive.I wished my brother knew how much I loved him and that I miss him and that I will be lonely forever without him. His pain ended the day he died, my pain is now forever.

It’ll be 3 years this July since you’ve been gone

Nights like these is where I find myself asking myself over and over why you did it. I know I can never be mad at you, but it hurts just like it happened yesterday. But it happened in 2017. When I lost you, my world became bitter. I felt no purpose in life. I lost control of direction and quite honestly didn’t know how I could continue going to college. You were gone from this earth and life kept going. I guess that’s the beauty in this shit, but I hate it. Through every traumatic ugly event we all try to move on from it. Our brother has spiraled since your death and hasn’t gotten back on his feet since. Depending on our damn father for every little thing..and dad is getting older each day. I lost you too and why was I the one who had to suck it up and be mature. Sometimes I wish I was the one who went insane and spiraled after your death. Instead I’m here every day trying to find little joy from life each day while trying to move on. By the way, you would’ve loved your little girl. I’m so heart broken you’ll never get to meet her bro. It’s hilarious in a way, you had 2 boys and 1 girl. In our original family it was also 2 boys and 1 girl. When the kids come over to see me, mom, and dad I can’t help but hold back tears because it’s almost as if I’m staring back at us when we were young. I think about you everyday it doesn’t skip a beat. You must’ve thought we would be better without you, but I’m constantly trying to fill this gap you left in my life. We’re never going to get matching sibling tattoos and you’ll never see me at my college graduation. You won’t be at my wedding and you won’t get to meet kids when I have them. There’s a lot of milestones that you’re going to miss in my life and it breaks my f*****g heart when I think of my future without my older brother. You really gave me tears and pain that’ll last a lifetime. Nothing can phase me. There’s no pain that tops this. I really miss you. Our family hasn’t been the same and it sucks. I’ll be 23 next week and it only reminds me that your birthday is next month. We were always amazed that we were 10 years apart. Even with the age gap, you were the best big brother ever to your little sis. I just wish we had spent more time on this earth. I guess in a way, I’m glad you no longer have to fight these demons anymore. I know you were in pain, and I’ll feel yours forever.

High School Memories

Is anyone else out there experiencing this?
My sister hung herself in 2017, at the end of her last year of highschool. I was in grade 10 at the time. Now I’m in my last year of highschool at the same school we’ve both been attending for a while.
I see a lot of teachers around who taught her and sometimes I feel the urge to go up to them and ask them if they remember her. Because sometimes, it feels like no one does.
My parents don’t like talking about her. Based on the circumstances, I’ve always thought it was their fault she passed away. And I know that’s selfish and probably just to relieve my own guilt.. or maybe the whole event was an accident and she didn’t mean to go that far and she meant for someone to find her before it was too late. Anyway, whenever my parents do talk about her, it feels unfair and like they remember her in ways that are only to comfort themselves. Like they don’t know her at all.
She did hide alot from them because they are extremely conservative and controlling.
I’d like to think that some of those teachers remember her. Nowadays, everything has lost the edge that it used to have.
The stakes in everything have somehow become nothing and it feels like every day could come and at the same time, if tomorrow wasn’t here I wouldn’t mind.
My feelings are weak and I feel like I try to compensate for this lack of caring by over-exaggerating and loving and hating things but really there’s nothing I feel towards them. I don’t know if there’s any real advice out there, or anything that would mean something to me anymore but I’d like to know if anyone else feels the same way. And is equally confused about their future and their past and everything.

Twice.

I had two siblings. My sister was 4 years older, my brother was 6 years older. My sister was always mentally challenged. My parents would tell me to imagine her brain in a wheelchair. I felt as though she always took my attention because of it. Mid-October, I was in my 8th grade english class. The day had gone by pretty well and it was almost over. That’s when the school counselor came in, told me to get my stuff and follow her upstairs. I had recently had severe back surgery and had just come back to school, so I thought it had something to do with that. However, once I got to the conference room, I saw my mom in tears, with my dad on the phone, since he was in California for work. I asked what was wrong, and my mother told me the words I thought I would never hear. Your sister committed suicide. She’s gone. I broke. My heart sunk. After what felt like hours in that room, I got to go home. It was a Thursday, and while someone would normally miss a ton of school because of this, I had already had surgery and missed a lot of school. I went back on Monday. This is why I am the best fake smiler. I had my best friends come over and stay with me each night just to chat and keep my mind distracted. The day I found out, we watched Twilight. I couldn’t get 3 minutes without crying. Life sucked. I had to figure out this new normal. I had to go to family therapy, then individual therapy. Luckily, even though it wasn’t identical, my brother was grieving such a similar loss. That’s why my heart was shattered a year and a half later. I was at youth group. I called my mom to come pick me up, and I sensed something was wrong. I asked her and she said nothing. My dad picked me up, as he had been working out. We get home and I run in to say hi to my mom and eat dinner. But instead of finding my mom cooking dinner, I found her sitting on the floor with a victim police officer. I was so confused. She rushed me to collect money for petsitting at my neighbors, and I reluctantly did so, while my mom talked to my dad. I was texting my guy best friend, and was freaking out. I told him, “this feels exactly like when I got called to the office for them to tell me about my sister”. When I got back, I wasn’t allowed in the house. The victims officer tried to chat to me and ask me what I did, but of course I thought it was gonna be used against me in court, so I said nothing. She told me that my parents were ready for me inside. I opened the door to see my two parents, normally filled with joy, sobbing and seemingly broken. They only had to say 4 words. I knew. “Its [your brother]. He’s gone.” I had a different reaction. I didn’t break down this time. I screamed. I punched. I kicked. The only word that I seemed to be able to say was “no.”. My parents tried to hug me. I tried to push them away with all my force, still screaming “no”. After my energy was completely drained, I tried to go upstairs. They wouldn’t let me. I had to be downstairs. This time I didn’t have a sibling to share the grief with. My parents are grieving a different loss than I am. I lost my 2 best friends, the rule-follower uncle my brother would’ve turned to be, and the crazy aunt that randomly shows up at your door that my sister would’ve become. My brother passed on March of 2019. With both of their losses, It has made me feel alone. However, I have 2 stories of hope that have come because of this. In 8th grade, during late winter, one 7th grade girl in my choir class had a suicidal brother. He was scaring her, and she had no idea what to do. She reached out to me, and because I talked her through it, her brother lived. This second story of hope hit me hard. I got an app to make snapchat friends. I thought nothing of it. Until one night, this one guy I had added seemed upset in a selfie he took. Nothing that anyone would normally notice, but watching 2 siblings go through suicidal attempts for many years trains you. I asked him what was wrong. He was on the verge of suicide. This guy had a knife, and was ready for it. But I was talking to him, checking on him every minute, sending him encouraging things. I knew I had to help him. I was so worried about him. He said he was feeling better and that he had to sleep now. I made him promise that he was actually going to bed and not just saying that. Fast forward about a week or two later. He reaches out to me. Only a few words. “You know you saved me, right?” I was confused, blowing that night off as just emotions and hormones running high. However, he was serious. He told me I had saved his life, and he was just about to sign off of snapchat for the last time, when I had asked if he was ok. All people need is one person to listen. Be that one person. I never thought the pain I’ve endured as a 15-year-old would help me in any way. But it has saved multiple lives, and will continue to save lives. Have hope. Listen. Check in on your friends. Spread love and positivity.

Lost my brother, my friend, my hero

I lost my older brother Levin on February 1st 2020. My older brother was my role model. He took is own life over his marriage and a broken heart. He wore his heart on his sleeve just like I do. I am in the Navy and currently deployed in the middle east. I was able to be home for the funeral but left shortly there after. The guilt I have for my brother is almost overwhelming. I should have talked to him when I knew he was suffering. Instead I ignored his call. He called me hours before he did it and I didn’t take the time to talk to him. I left him dangling and feeling like his brother didn’t care.

Now I am out to sea without my wife to hold my hand. Without my support. I look in the mirror and all I see is him. We look so much and act so much alike makes me sick. I find my self staring out to sea and crying about him. Crying and angry. I call myself a good brother but yet I let him down. I knew he was suffering but I ignored him.

I love and miss my brother so much. I am sitting here staring at a vile of his ashes that he instructed me to scatter out to sea. How on earth am I suppose to do that? How can I let him go?