Nights like these is where I find myself asking myself over and over why you did it. I know I can never be mad at you, but it hurts just like it happened yesterday. But it happened in 2017. When I lost you, my world became bitter. I felt no purpose in life. I lost control of direction and quite honestly didn’t know how I could continue going to college. You were gone from this earth and life kept going. I guess that’s the beauty in this shit, but I hate it. Through every traumatic ugly event we all try to move on from it. Our brother has spiraled since your death and hasn’t gotten back on his feet since. Depending on our damn father for every little thing..and dad is getting older each day. I lost you too and why was I the one who had to suck it up and be mature. Sometimes I wish I was the one who went insane and spiraled after your death. Instead I’m here every day trying to find little joy from life each day while trying to move on. By the way, you would’ve loved your little girl. I’m so heart broken you’ll never get to meet her bro. It’s hilarious in a way, you had 2 boys and 1 girl. In our original family it was also 2 boys and 1 girl. When the kids come over to see me, mom, and dad I can’t help but hold back tears because it’s almost as if I’m staring back at us when we were young. I think about you everyday it doesn’t skip a beat. You must’ve thought we would be better without you, but I’m constantly trying to fill this gap you left in my life. We’re never going to get matching sibling tattoos and you’ll never see me at my college graduation. You won’t be at my wedding and you won’t get to meet kids when I have them. There’s a lot of milestones that you’re going to miss in my life and it breaks my f*****g heart when I think of my future without my older brother. You really gave me tears and pain that’ll last a lifetime. Nothing can phase me. There’s no pain that tops this. I really miss you. Our family hasn’t been the same and it sucks. I’ll be 23 next week and it only reminds me that your birthday is next month. We were always amazed that we were 10 years apart. Even with the age gap, you were the best big brother ever to your little sis. I just wish we had spent more time on this earth. I guess in a way, I’m glad you no longer have to fight these demons anymore. I know you were in pain, and I’ll feel yours forever.
Is anyone else out there experiencing this?
My sister hung herself in 2017, at the end of her last year of highschool. I was in grade 10 at the time. Now I’m in my last year of highschool at the same school we’ve both been attending for a while.
I see a lot of teachers around who taught her and sometimes I feel the urge to go up to them and ask them if they remember her. Because sometimes, it feels like no one does.
My parents don’t like talking about her. Based on the circumstances, I’ve always thought it was their fault she passed away. And I know that’s selfish and probably just to relieve my own guilt.. or maybe the whole event was an accident and she didn’t mean to go that far and she meant for someone to find her before it was too late. Anyway, whenever my parents do talk about her, it feels unfair and like they remember her in ways that are only to comfort themselves. Like they don’t know her at all.
She did hide alot from them because they are extremely conservative and controlling.
I’d like to think that some of those teachers remember her. Nowadays, everything has lost the edge that it used to have.
The stakes in everything have somehow become nothing and it feels like every day could come and at the same time, if tomorrow wasn’t here I wouldn’t mind.
My feelings are weak and I feel like I try to compensate for this lack of caring by over-exaggerating and loving and hating things but really there’s nothing I feel towards them. I don’t know if there’s any real advice out there, or anything that would mean something to me anymore but I’d like to know if anyone else feels the same way. And is equally confused about their future and their past and everything.
I had two siblings. My sister was 4 years older, my brother was 6 years older. My sister was always mentally challenged. My parents would tell me to imagine her brain in a wheelchair. I felt as though she always took my attention because of it. Mid-October, I was in my 8th grade english class. The day had gone by pretty well and it was almost over. That’s when the school counselor came in, told me to get my stuff and follow her upstairs. I had recently had severe back surgery and had just come back to school, so I thought it had something to do with that. However, once I got to the conference room, I saw my mom in tears, with my dad on the phone, since he was in California for work. I asked what was wrong, and my mother told me the words I thought I would never hear. Your sister committed suicide. She’s gone. I broke. My heart sunk. After what felt like hours in that room, I got to go home. It was a Thursday, and while someone would normally miss a ton of school because of this, I had already had surgery and missed a lot of school. I went back on Monday. This is why I am the best fake smiler. I had my best friends come over and stay with me each night just to chat and keep my mind distracted. The day I found out, we watched Twilight. I couldn’t get 3 minutes without crying. Life sucked. I had to figure out this new normal. I had to go to family therapy, then individual therapy. Luckily, even though it wasn’t identical, my brother was grieving such a similar loss. That’s why my heart was shattered a year and a half later. I was at youth group. I called my mom to come pick me up, and I sensed something was wrong. I asked her and she said nothing. My dad picked me up, as he had been working out. We get home and I run in to say hi to my mom and eat dinner. But instead of finding my mom cooking dinner, I found her sitting on the floor with a victim police officer. I was so confused. She rushed me to collect money for petsitting at my neighbors, and I reluctantly did so, while my mom talked to my dad. I was texting my guy best friend, and was freaking out. I told him, “this feels exactly like when I got called to the office for them to tell me about my sister”. When I got back, I wasn’t allowed in the house. The victims officer tried to chat to me and ask me what I did, but of course I thought it was gonna be used against me in court, so I said nothing. She told me that my parents were ready for me inside. I opened the door to see my two parents, normally filled with joy, sobbing and seemingly broken. They only had to say 4 words. I knew. “Its [your brother]. He’s gone.” I had a different reaction. I didn’t break down this time. I screamed. I punched. I kicked. The only word that I seemed to be able to say was “no.”. My parents tried to hug me. I tried to push them away with all my force, still screaming “no”. After my energy was completely drained, I tried to go upstairs. They wouldn’t let me. I had to be downstairs. This time I didn’t have a sibling to share the grief with. My parents are grieving a different loss than I am. I lost my 2 best friends, the rule-follower uncle my brother would’ve turned to be, and the crazy aunt that randomly shows up at your door that my sister would’ve become. My brother passed on March of 2019. With both of their losses, It has made me feel alone. However, I have 2 stories of hope that have come because of this. In 8th grade, during late winter, one 7th grade girl in my choir class had a suicidal brother. He was scaring her, and she had no idea what to do. She reached out to me, and because I talked her through it, her brother lived. This second story of hope hit me hard. I got an app to make snapchat friends. I thought nothing of it. Until one night, this one guy I had added seemed upset in a selfie he took. Nothing that anyone would normally notice, but watching 2 siblings go through suicidal attempts for many years trains you. I asked him what was wrong. He was on the verge of suicide. This guy had a knife, and was ready for it. But I was talking to him, checking on him every minute, sending him encouraging things. I knew I had to help him. I was so worried about him. He said he was feeling better and that he had to sleep now. I made him promise that he was actually going to bed and not just saying that. Fast forward about a week or two later. He reaches out to me. Only a few words. “You know you saved me, right?” I was confused, blowing that night off as just emotions and hormones running high. However, he was serious. He told me I had saved his life, and he was just about to sign off of snapchat for the last time, when I had asked if he was ok. All people need is one person to listen. Be that one person. I never thought the pain I’ve endured as a 15-year-old would help me in any way. But it has saved multiple lives, and will continue to save lives. Have hope. Listen. Check in on your friends. Spread love and positivity.
I lost my older brother Levin on February 1st 2020. My older brother was my role model. He took is own life over his marriage and a broken heart. He wore his heart on his sleeve just like I do. I am in the Navy and currently deployed in the middle east. I was able to be home for the funeral but left shortly there after. The guilt I have for my brother is almost overwhelming. I should have talked to him when I knew he was suffering. Instead I ignored his call. He called me hours before he did it and I didn’t take the time to talk to him. I left him dangling and feeling like his brother didn’t care.
Now I am out to sea without my wife to hold my hand. Without my support. I look in the mirror and all I see is him. We look so much and act so much alike makes me sick. I find my self staring out to sea and crying about him. Crying and angry. I call myself a good brother but yet I let him down. I knew he was suffering but I ignored him.
I love and miss my brother so much. I am sitting here staring at a vile of his ashes that he instructed me to scatter out to sea. How on earth am I suppose to do that? How can I let him go?
Its been 2.5 years since my younger brother took his life, I remember that day as if it was yesterday.. I wrote every month for 1 year on this site, and going back to each letter and response has made me realize, that although time does heal a broken heart, it sure is not forgiving. It has been easier to deal with the reality that I will never ever see my brother again, at least not in this lifetime but it gives me some hope that I will be with him in heaven someday, I have to believe he is in a much better place now. For those whom recently lost loved ones, I understand your unbearable pain, the immense anxiety, the painful memories, feeling sick as if life has beaten you down to the point that you cannot think straight, crying every night until you can’t anymore AND the worst part “regret” could I have done something, why wasn’t I there to help, why why why?? You are not alone, many of us on this site have gone through this and we helped each other by posting our pain.. For me, its been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, my parents suffer everyday for the rest of their life, my mom died that day with my brother, although she’s breathing and staying alive for me & my older brother and dad but she is so sad and lifeless.. She listens to my brothers voice mail recording everyday & talks to him, many times shes asking god to take her so she can be with my brother. November 29,2017 changed the course of our life forever. My dad (80yrs) found my brother, he shot himself in the head. My parents did not deserve to live their retirement this way, they worked so hard & loved us unconditionally, provided for us, gave us so much love! My brother had been diagnosed with MS and he felt it was the end of the world, he became very negative, unhappy, depressed and especially angry.. NEVER ever crossed our minds he would take his life, we are an extremely close family he knew we would do anything for him.. We failed him and that is how we will live the rest of our life, feeling that we should have been aware but “what if” is not going to bring him back. We are faced with the harsh reality that he made that decision for whatever reason and did not think of how this decision would destroy his family. Please if you are reading this and have had suicidal thoughts, I hope by reading this makes you understand that although you may think by leaving this life may be a good way of escaping please know the people you leave behind that love you will be left devastated, their life will be ruined, please seek help, I tell you from experience my brother changed our life we had no say in it, we were forced to live the rest of our lives with this unbearable pain that only people that have gone through this type of loss understands. This site has been a blessing, although this is not a desirable site, meaning the only reason we are on it is because of losing a loved one by suicide, it has helped me so much because when I had just lost my brother I felt so alone, I did not want to hear from people (family & friends) that did not understand my pain, when I found this site I knew I was not alone and started to write letters to my brother, the responses I received were so heartfelt and I found some comfort here. May god bless you, please know, this will somehow get easier. Lastly, Sergio, I think about you everyday, I miss you so much, I can’t wait to hear your voice, hug you, kiss you & spend eternity with you.. I love you Serg your sis Always & Forever!
I would like to share my story with everyone about my brother Franklin (Randy) . On March 23 2020 I received a phone call from my brother’s girlfriend telling me that my brother was missing since 12:30 PM that day I never thought that he would leave and stay gone I had figured that he might have gotten mad about something and just let for a couple days and he would be back. We made post and shared them on Facebook and Twitter, and Instagram people from all over the country shared our posts and prayers. On Friday April 04 2020 I took off a day for vacation and decided that I was going to take my 81 year old father for a ride through the Mountains of Augusta County Virginia. Before we left a cousin sent me a Facebook message telling me that the Police and the Rescue Squad had been good up and down the Mountain all morning long so I had got to my father’s place and helped him get ready to take a ride. The first place that we went to was the place that I received the message about as I started and made the turn there was a sherriff ‘s car at the mountain road we stopped and the sheriff’s deputie told us that we could not go to far my response was that we were looking for my brother,so I was asked to steal out of the vehicle and talk out my drivers license. After taking my license and getting in his car my license was returned to me in I was told that the sheriff would like to speak with me up the road and would not tell me anything until I get to the sheriff after speaking with him it was my brother and he had been dead for 24 hours. Some times I blame myself for not going up there the Saturday before that but he might not have been there then I am still numb and feel angry and sad but I will learn to deal with everything and would like to speak with a group of people and tell them how it feels to loose a loved one to suicide
My only sister took her own life 4 months ago. Contrary to many, I do not like thinking about her, and regurgitate in all the pain. We did not live together in the last 10 years of her life, although we were very close. Nobody in our family speaks about it, and I feel her face, voice and memories fading in my head. It’s so sad how everyone is at the funeral, and 3 months down the line nobody even thinks about it. Long and forgotten, that hurts! At only 26 years of age, what a waste of all the wonderful things she still had to do and experience. I don’t remember her tenderly, I don’t forgive her for leaving me with all the mess, my parents, all the pain. I wouldn’t have done that to her. She wrote a letter saying goodbye and I’m sorry, but that will never be enough. If anybody has ever found a non religious way to forgive a sibling who has committed suicide, please be a friend and tell me how. It’s such a weight, such anger, such dissapointment. Why were we not enough for her to fight through her bipolar disorder, why couldn’t she call and ask for help. Now she has left an infinite void in my heart and it’s there and scary at the end of every single day.
I’m a big sister to 2 brothers. 7 and 9 years younger than me. Our dad died when they were in kindergarten and 2nd grade. I was at the end of my freshman year when daddy died. I stepped up and really took an active role in my baby brother’s lives. They were always with me. I took care of them both. I always shared a closer bond with my oldest baby brother, Gary. We were so close for so long. We drifted apart some in the last few years. But I still couldn’t ever tell him no. And tried even if I was mad at him to take care of him no matter what. And he made that hard. Where as he would never take from his friends or strangers. I was fair game and he kept taking advantage of me. I hate myself for staying so mad at him throughout the last two years of his life. No matter how legitimate of a reason he would give me. On Dec 5 2019. I’ll never forget mom calling me screaming. She found him. He had hung himself in our shop in front of our house. My world shattered. I didn’t plan on arranging the funeral. But I had to bc mom was too distraught. It hurts everyday. I miss him so bad. I feel like such a failure. If only I could of been a better big sister. I knew he needed me. My heart is shattered. A go fund me page I set up paid for his funeral. Now we have to figure out how to get him a headstone. No clue how I’m gonna swing that. If only I could have one more chance to be the sister he needed me to be. He left behind a 4 year old princess of a daughter. She looks just like him. Seeing her breaks my heart. She won’t remember him. She told me a couple weeks ago she was starting to forget him. I cried all night. I cry in secret everyday still. It is such a nightmare.
A few weeks ago my 17 year old brother Adam killed himself. I was off at my first year of college, and during the week my parents called me and told me he hung himself. I always knew he battled with depression and anxiety, but within the last few months he really seemed to be improving. New meds, new girlfriend, lost a ton of weight, and he seemed to be genuinely doing well. A week prior to his death I was talking to him and he told me that he was happy and he fixed everything he wanted to. But then he killed himself. He never really opened up fully to me or it seems anyone about his struggles, but he genuinely sounded happy when he told me he was happy. After a lot of thinking I’ve come to the conclusion that although he was truly happy, he still could not outrun his biological problems. But now it’s been a few weeks that he’s been gone and it just hurts. I feel like I was numb before, but now it’s just hard to accept. We were the only two in our family, and my parents are a mess, and it’s been really hard to take care of my own well being while also helping with theirs. I feel this gaping hole in me is just growing every day now and I don’t feel like it’s going to end anytime soon.
One year went by without seeing your face. One full year without hearing his laughter. I often wish you were a selfish and careless brother so I wouldn’t have to feel the pain to this magnitude. But you were an incredibly selfless, kind, loving soul not deserving of this world. Waking up every morning is heart shattering knowing I let you down when you needed me the most. I miss you so much it literally feels like my heart is bleeding. I wish it could have been me and not you. It doesn’t matter anymore and I’m stuck here alone without you. Lost.