So disconnected

I feel so lonely without my brother. It’s only been a little over 4 months and I feel like I don’t know how to live properly anymore. I feel like I need to take care of mom. I’m so worried about her it makes me sick. I can’t focus on school and I can’t afford to mess up again. It feels like no one cares about me really. All of my friendships feel vapid and fake and I can hardly bring myself to reply to most people. I find myself growing closer to people who are far away from me. People who won’t be mad at me for flaking or being boring in person because I simply don’t have to actually be around them. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I miss you so much. I need you here.

Keilah I miss you

It has been almost 7 months since I lost you baby sister. You were a young 17 year old girl who was so bright. You decided to move in with your new boyfriend and leave moms house. I found out two weeks before you took your own life that he was beating you and calling you names and telling you things that I hope I never hear again. I wish I had done so much more. I was your big bubba, I always protected you, but I failed this time. You left behind your little nephew, he loved you so much, and had so much fun with you, but he is so young I wish he would remember his amazing aunty K. I wish you would have taken my offer and moved in with me and your sister-in-law. It would have gotten you away from that monster and you would still be here. I love and miss you more and more everything single day my baby sister.

To my little brother

Its been a month since we found out that you decided this life is not for you. I was prepared for a while loosing mom or dad but for this i would have never be prepared. The perfect number of 4 is no more , we are back to the original trio. It hurts so much when i say this, cause its true. You were the last one to come in our lives and the first to go. I lit up 22 candels on your birthday but i am still not sure if you were 21 or 22 . You were short with 2 weeks and make me confused. For me you were 22 , cause you know it was my lucky number. Kiki misses you so much and feels so much guilt that i am afraid for her. I wish i could tell you to take care of her, she feels so alone. Sometimes i forget that the DNA test was made and an idea that you might be somewhere takes over, like you used to say you’ll go in Tibet to the monks. But the i remember you are you and you were the one who jumped from the fifth floor. This makes me wanna crumble to the floor praying for all this to be a bad dream. Your friend Nina said something that still hearts ‘ you guys are such a beautiful family ‘…this was 3 hours before your funeral. I just dont see the beauty in it now. Sometimes i wish we would find a letter or find out from someone that you indeed had intentions of doing this, but in the same time this doesnt really mather , you wont come back , just that it will hurt a little bit more knowing someone knew and we all family and friends didn’t know anything. Nomather of all this we / I love you and i am sorry that the intensity of our love did not show as much as the intensity of our pain now. Cause you made us feel like the perfect family 2 boys 2 girls. Different but talking the same language when caught up in our philosophies about life and s—. I will always love Pupac. And i really hope your soul is where you wanted to be. I will forever miss you and ever. Hope to see you someday somewhere….

10 months… Mom’s birthday ):

Serg, how do I even begin to write how devastated our mom is and even more so today that she doesn’t get her yearly “Feliz Cumpleaños, te quiero mucho mami” & her new perfume that you were accustomed to buying her every birthday..What can I possibly do to make up for the void you forced upon us. Our hearts are so broken that I feel we are all just living in a bubble that we cant seem to get out of. She cries for you so much that her beautiful eyes have been taken over by swollness, its heartbreaking to see the suffering in her eyes. How dare I ever think that this would never happen to our close loving family, I was so stupid to think that you were going to be ok because LOVE is stronger than anything and with love we would always help one another & have eachothers back. I am so sorry Serg for thinking that this was all you needed, I am so sorry that I didnt dig deeper, I am so sorry for failing you. You didnt give us a chance to redeem ourselves and so now we are left to suffer for the rest of our lives. I will Always love you & will patiently wait for when god calls on me to go home and see you again so I can hug & kiss you forever. I adore & love you always, your sis

My younger brother shot himself in head

My younger brother, he was handsome, smart, had everything going for him, he was a real estate broker. Then he got married…. We grew up with out a father, he left and just ignored us, my brother always talked of having a family of his own one day and he’d never do that as well as give his kids what we never had. He met her, they were married 19 years and had 2beautiful daughters, who he spoiled any chance he got, they went on family vacations, did everything together. Her was very very close to his father in law called him dad, he treated my brother like he was his son, well, he died. My brother was depressed after that, his wife just laughed at him and put him down. She then left him in 2016, because she couldn’t take it anymore, she took his girls with her. She moved in with her mother, who now dispised my brother. The wife made him go to all these Dr’s, take all kinds of medication, klonipin, lithium, trazadone, valium, etc. It all came from different Dr’s, she was in charge. She kept telling him she would come home time and time again if he cleaned house, took his pills, cooked her dinner, very demanding. Things kept happening to my brother all of a sudden, accidents, according to her, but she was always right there, things like, supposed attempts on his life. She found him with a type around his neck and blue, she found him face down in bathroom covered in vomit, strange things, but she was always right there. Well, one time i had this feeling and logged into Facebook to check his profile, sure enough, all it said was goodbye. I live over 200 miles away, so i called her, she made that nose you make when you just don’t care and said that she’s leaving him there to die. I immediately dialed 911, they saved him, when he came to he told me that she kept telling him to go ahead and just kill yourself, he was tired of hearing it so he tried. Them i get a call, his house burned down and he’s in jail, wrk, i jumped up and just screamed running through my home, i couldn’t believe what i was reading, yes, she text me and then told me to tell my mom, she didn’t have the decency to call me or even talk to my mom. I rush to Houston, sold all my jewelry, bailed him out of jail and brought him home with me. He was off all those pills, all he had to his name was the pajamas he had on the night the house burned down. Here was asleep in his recliner and when he got up to go to bed, flames came at him, he tried to put it out but couldn’t so he ran next door and called 911, but strange thing is, the estranged wife was right there outside before he even called 911, yeah, so she kept yelling that he had done it, so he was being charged. He lived with me about a month, i was in the guest room, thought he was walking outside, as he usually did, i heard a bang, well a picture fell off the shelf, didn’t think anything of it. I walked into master bedroom, there he laid, single gunshot wound in mouth, through top of his head. That’s the day my life ended, July 13, 2018. I have lost all my friends, because of this anger i have. Now, I’m alone, without my younger brother, who i miss more than anything. His car was in the shop, told his wife I’d like to have it, she said ok, when i got it the shop told me that his lugnuts had been loosened and that is why he went off the road, I’m just in awe, how can i prove that her and her family were trying to kill him? She never once shed a tear, she’s been going out and posting photos of herself laughing up and having a good time, meanwhile, I’m living in the house where it happened, no i do not go in that room, the door remains closed, i hate being in my own home! I have no family here in Texas, now have friends, obviously weren’t real friends to begin with because they walked away from me, I’m not depressed or contemplating suicide, I’m just alone, with my dog, who has been my rock. I miss my brother more and more each day. Thank you for reading, i apologize if it was to long.

June 19th, 2018 (SiblingsSurvivors Guest Post)

I had no words then. I have no words now. But I’ll still try to convey this.
June 19th, 2018.
My first thought was “I knew it.”
My second thought was “I understand.”
And I really did. And I still do.
I found this site back then, but despite everything, I didn’t make a post.
Now, almost three months later, I’m here , doing it. Yet it feels more like I’ve ignored the grief than dealt with it. Nothing about my life has given me the time, acceptance, or ability to mourn you.
I fear quiet moments. I fear having time to think.
When you were born, it was the best birthday I’d ever had, or would ever have. We all wanted you. We all knew our family wasn’t complete until you were born.
As a baby, you were the cutest. I recall your kind heart. Remember when you took our pet goldfish out of the tank? And then tearfully brought it to mum because it had died, and you had “only wanted to play with it”? It broke my heart, how tender and pure your heart was.
And I always worried about you. “Who will teach him that stoves are hot? Or that knives are dangerous?”
The thoughts of my young mind were all about protecting you.
But it turns out, you lived for risks. You loved freely and constantly got yourself hurt. In nearly every picture we have of you, you’ve got a broken arm and a grin that barely fits your face.
Always smiling, always moving. Always loving, and loving living.
You were a rare kind of person.
And then the accident. The traumatic brain injury. It took you away from us. When it happened, you were never the same. Mentally, we lost you that day.
And for the next six years, you struggled. You fought. You did anything and everything to cope. Good things… And bad.
But you were still in there. I know you were. And I know you didn’t want to be that way.
And I have to believe that you did it to free yourself.
This life took you, unfairly broke you… And I truly believe you were too good to live long in this world.
And on June 19th, 2018, you finally said “Enough.”
Almost three months later. I can’t handle it. I ignore it. It feels unreal because I wasn’t there. I didn’t even get down there to see you until the funeral, an entire week later.
And as the loaded you out into the hearse, all I could think was a desperate plea:
“Don’t take him away!”
I had been struggling, before your accident. And in some twisted ways, I’n jealous that you did it first.
But in my quiet moments… In those moments when I think about it…
I am sad. With the deepest sorrow the heart can feel. It is so immense that I wonder if my heart’s still there. Somehow, it hasn’t vanished, collapsed under the weight of the pain and the grief.
I have regrets of course. That I didn’t get to hug you one last time. That my last text to you wasn’t “I love you.”
But I said it to you all your life. We had a deeper bond than I think most siblings get. And for that I am always deeply grateful. I acknowledge the blessing that it is.
But as deep as my love is, so is the pain. The sleepless nights. The tears. The missing you. The loneliness.
I don’t know how to handle the rest of my life.
You were only 21. And now… I’ll be spending our next birthday alone.
“Happy Birthday Sis.”
Every year, this has been my most treasured exchange with you. And now, you will never say it again.
My heart bleeds. My soul shatters. My mind breaks. Everything now is wrong.
And I have to live in a world without you now.
I love you so much. I always have. I always will.

Searching for an explanation (SiblingsSurvivors Guest Post)

Dear only sister and sibling,
All I can say is that I am so sorry I never said I love you. You were so childlike and innocent. You were only 46 when you sat in a bath of water with alcohol and many bottles of prescription pain killers just waiting to be so drugged up that you drowned in the bathtub. You had no children and you were living in your ex-husbands house with physical and mental pain. All you did was complain about everybody and everything so I just thought this was just who you were for the last 20 years. Not for one moment did I ever think you were this dark and tortured inside. As far as I knew you did not drink and would never take drugs. That was never you!
I spoke to you the day before you died. I keep going over in my head if I missed something or there were warning signs that would have alerted me but I can’t recall any desperation in our conversation. Why didn’t you say good-bye! You knew you were going to do this! And when I found out from your ex that you tried this same attempt July of 2017, I became fractured. I didn’t know! Why? It’s such crap that I was so unaware. You wanted your death to be a shock didn’t you? I promise, I would have done something but you swore your ex to secrecy and I didn’t know. Why? Why didn’t you let me in.
All this week I have searched the internet to try and understand what you did. I have only found information about the fastest growing group to commit suicide is women from the ages of 45-64. What I want to know is how could I have missed the signs and any rational for why you felt you needed to leave the earth. I have searched and searched but nothing. I came upon this site from my searching but I still can’t find any answers. I will keep searching for answers because I just can’t logically understand the loneliness, desolation, and affliction you must have felt to do what you did. It is excruciating to know you are gone and I can’t do a damn thing about it.
I want you to know how sorry I am that I wasn’t more of a sister to you. We are only 14 months apart but always were at odds with each other. I can admit that I never understood you or how you wanted to conduct your life. Every time I gave you advice you never listened which made me angry and frustrated. You left me to take care of our mother with dementia. I have nobody to speak to about all of this and now it is all my responsibility. I wanted you to help with mother. I asked you to come visit but all you had were excuses. I will always regret that I didn’t come get you and bring you back to see our mother. I could have done so much more.
All I have are regrets and sorrow. A piece of me is filled with an emptiness. It will be one week since you have gone. It is so difficult to think about anything else. Please forgive me. Please forgive me. Please forgive me.

It’s been five months and I have no answers. (SiblingSurvivors Letters)

It’s been five months.  I have no answer.

My dearest Kate, it’s been five months since you took your life. I thought things would get better and fade over time, but the opposite has happened.
For months I was still in shock and numb, and couldn’t bring myself to talk about or think about you, but now, months later, I cry at the most random times; driving home from work, watching tv at night, in the shower, at church.
I still have no answers as to why you decided to end it, and I don’t think I ever will. You’d so carefully and meticulously planned it for months, yet Mom, Dad and I all missed it.
Our family will never be the same Kate, I can’t bear to mention you in front of Mom and Dad because I can tell they’re in so much pain.
My only hope for your now is that you’re in heaven and in god’s loving arms. I hope that one day when it’s my time I’ll see you there….
Love always your brother.

The lost sibling

My brother and I were estranged until I was 15 and he was 19. We are half siblings and I didn’t know I had a biological father. I tried to get close. And he did too. We talked. Communicated and I felt like I had a new family(brother and older sister). This AM, while scrolling Facebook, i found his suicide letter he posted. He died just as he arrived to the hospital. I don’t know how I should feel, but I feel broken. I can’t express it. And I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes. I know we weren’t that close, but I had a brother and I was missing from his life for so long. Then the time we got was so short and not what I had hoped for. I feel so confused and lost.

A month since

Yesterday it was a month since i found you hanging in the garden. I’m still in so much shock. You were only 19, you had so much left. My older brother. I loved you, even though you were a pain in the backside sometimes! I miss you so much. There’s been a hole torn out of my heart. When I’m in school, I can’t focus, I feel overwhelmed. I can’t go into the dark anymore because I end up having panic attacks, because being in the dark brings me back to that night. I feel like I have no one to talk to, because I don’t want to upset my parents, but I have so much weighing me down with sadness. I miss you at dinner, trying to get the biggest plate. I miss you calling me all those annoying names. I miss hearing you singing along and dancing to the music in your headphones. It doesn’t even feel like you’re truly gone yet. I’m not sure if the grief has fully hit me.