I’m Sorry.

I miss my little brother so much. He took an overdose just over a year ago. He was always the cool, funny one. He was always my favourite. He was so creative an clever and used to make me really nice things. Candlesticks, a carved stone, drawings…. Really thoughtful person. I just miss him a lot.
I keep thinking though, of every time I said something that hurt him. Or made him sad. Things when we were children and when we were older. He was really sensitive I think. And I keep feeling so incredibly guilty for leaving him alone when I left home. Home was always pretty claustrophobic and when I left, about 9 years ago now, I somewhat selfishly sunk myself into a new life, and didn’t speak to my family much including him and I dont know why. It was round about that time that he started to get depressed. I wish he knew that I really loved him and was proud of him so much.
I always thought he was going to be just fine, that he would pull through. I imagined him hanging out with me and my friends, us being older and having our own houses. I always pictured him in my life.
And then I feel so guilty because maybe I didn’t take it seriously enough. He tried once before and I told myself it was a cry for help and he didn’t really mean to do it. I didn’t listen enough. I wasn’t kind enough. I didn’t listen enough. Wasn’t there enough.
I loved him so much, but I never really made sure he knew. Did he know?? I’ve no idea. I just miss him a lot and hate that he felt so alone and stuck. I hate that I left him alone all those years ago, and just was waiting for the point that he would follow, but it was too long.
I also keep wondering things I can’t know the answer to… Was he abused in that time? Did something really bad happen? I keep having dreams where something has happened to him and I haven’t helped him.
I miss him so much.

Stace

I lost you. On April 9, you disappeared from my life. You were my only sister, and may have been the only person on the planet that would know the real me. To think that you were alone and afraid torments my every waking thought. I am so afraid that I cannot recover, and simultaneously afraid to recover. Everything I loved seems meaningless. The things we shared are impossible to forget, yet I am grasping for each memory, terrified to lose even one. Facing the night is just a horrible segue to an even more painful day. I miss you.

How can I help him?

My significant other’s brother took his own life last week. He is struggling, and I’ve done my best to be there for him but I feel I am failing him.
He says he feels lost, does not want to go on, and seems to just be in a haze. They were close when they were younger, but rarely saw each other as adults, both now in their late 30s. Their father passed away some time ago but their mother survives, and since this happened she has not been kind to my SO. I do understand that she is also hurting, but I fear she is doing a great deal of harm. That said, I don’t think it would be beneficial to point out the toxicity his mother is bringing to the table.
I have gathered information for him about counseling options and made sure he knows I am here whenever he needs me. So far he has refused counseling services, and I do not believe he has done any research on coping with the situation, even though he has acknowledged he is not okay. What else can I do for him?

Best Friends Forever

My brother took his life on Dec 6th 2018. My last msg from him was 1 day prior, it simply said “Hello” It was late at night & he would often muck about with silly msgs so i decided to leave till morning. I replied “Hi :)” I never got a reaponse. There was no way of knowing i would never here from him again.
I had planned to hang himself at work on a remote minesite… and that he did. Leaving our entire family shocked, hundreds of friends in disbelief.
Four months have passed and i still find trouble comprehending my best friend, my only full blood brother is gone forever. We lived in different states of Australia & only saw each other a few times a year, but always kept in contact. But he was booked to arrive to stay with me on Dec 24th for Christmas with the family :(.
I knew he was depressed but no one! Knew that he would take his own life…. He was grieving fpr a friend who passed, and our mum died 2 years ago… also a relationship break up, money troubles etc but these where all things we spoke about regularly.
I will love him forever, he is very much apart of me, we share the same blood. Oneday when its my time we may meet again ♡ until then i will celebrate him and remember the good times we had growing up ♡♡♡

Siblings Day

I guess it’s Siblings day… It’s been nearly three years since my only brother ended his life. Since his death, I’ve finished my Master’s degree, gotten a career job at my dream school, turned 30 and finally moved out of our parents’ house. I do what I can to keep moving forward, even when I’m exhausted. I can’t become stagnant. So I keep pushing to better my life. But I can’t help but think that my happiest days might be behind me because all the good stuff is tainted with the thought that I don’t get to share it with my brother or the guilt that I get to have things that he can’t have anymore. So I’d trade it all back in a heartbeat to have my brother back. Living under the same roof, stressing over money and work. Even with all the good I’ve tried to make for myself, I miss my old life. I try not to dwell on these thoughts for too long but I just needed to vent as I scroll through everyone’s posts on social media about their siblings.

Tired

I lost my brother to suicide June 13 2017.
He hung himself. First year I could not believe it! At times I woke up thinking he was still alive and I’d see him again thinking it was a bad dream. But now this is the second year and everything has hit me that he is really gone. This year is even worse than the first year. I really don’t know what to think at times.

Today You Left Me

My baby brother took his own life today. I cried with him on the phone as I pleaded for his life. I begged him not to leave me. My wife rushed to call the cops and my dad. He told me he was sorry he just couldn’t any more and he loved me…… then he hung up. I screamed, cried, bargained, and begged God as I constantly hit redial. I knew – I could feel it through my body, but yet I continued to call. The last time I spent 24 seconds listening to rustling and screaming his name. For those seconds I was hopeful he was trying to dodge the cops and he was alive BUT the phone disconnected just as my father was calling to tell me I had lost part of my heart and soul. He thought it was for the best. He thought he was doing us a favor.

He couldn’t understand through all of his anguish that he was NEVER a blemish, problem or other wise. He was my baby brother. I loved him unconditionally. He was an amazing uncle……. he knew all that. He knew we loved him, we know he loved us. I have said I wish I would have kept him on the phone a little longer and I get told he would have found another way. I know this but I’m his big sister and I was supposed to protect him, even from his self, and I couldn’t. I couldn’t help him! No one could. My dad has gone through hell to save him, help him, love him….. But he was tired and hurting and though he loved us, he left us….. he left us all broken! And I can’t stop replaying the 1 minute phone call that changed my life forever.

Nine Years

My oldest brother died nine years ago. He was eleven years older than me, and was living with his father at the time: we were half-brothers. I was actually only eleven when it happened, and when I found out all I felt was shock. That lasted until a good few weeks after the funeral.
Mum had nine kids with three different men, and each of us reacted differently to the news that our oldest brother killed himself. He had jumped off a pedestrian bridge over the highway in his local town, and unfortunately the fall wasn’t enough to kill him. He was hit by a truck soon after.
I know how much it hurts to lose a sibling to suicide, and so do my other siblings, but that hasn’t stopped us. Before my oldest brother, another half-brother of mine attempted suicide after he found out my father was sexting his girlfriend. He jumped off of a grain shed next to our house, but he survived. My older sister also had a plan to kill herself on a school trip, and had personalised suicide notes on her laptop. She was stopped by her teachers, thankfully enough. I barely scratched the surface of it here, but our lives haven’t been easy in so many ways.

Lost My Brother 1 Year Ago

I lost my older brother to suicide one year ago. I sometimes still cannot believe that it actually happened and he is gone forever. He lost his job and spiraled into a deep depression that none of us realized was as severe as it was. He was always helping other people, always. It was amazing how many stories we heard from friends and co-workers after he died. I think in some way that took a toll on him. Wish I could have helped him like he helped so many people. Wish I would have told him how much I loved him. -Pete