To my big brother James

James I miss you so much, you are on my mind every minute of the day. Sometimes when I first open my eyes in the morning for that split second it feels like you are still in your room sleeping. The day you left you took a big part of me with you. I feel so empty without you. I feel like my depression and anxiety have been at an all time high since you’ve been gone. I only imagine that you felt this pain 10x more. It breaks my heart knowing that you were just in the room next door to me but you were dealing with so much pain and loneliness by yourself. I know it’s selfish of me but I wish I could rewind back to that last time I saw you and just give you a big hug and tell you how much I love you, maybe that would’ve been enough for you to stay but that wouldn’t have stopped the pain you endured everyday just living in this life. This life is hard and cruel and I don’t shame you at all for doing what you did. I am proud of you for choosing eternal happiness with god. You weren’t happy on this earth and god saw that and called for you. I know you are in a better place and I cant wait till you are opening the heavenly gates for me when my time comes. Please keep visiting me in my dreams James. I love you forever. watch over me and the family. Give chulo and shorty a treat for me.

My Dearest Baby Brother, King

It’s been a month since you changed worlds. My heart is so broken and the tears haven’t stopped. I’ve read a few books on the afterlife and suicide and get comfort knowing you’re finally not in pain and being well taken care of. This will forever hurt but if i have to hurt in order for you to finally be at peace I’m okay with that. I forgive you. I miss you. I love you.

Dustyn

You left us on December 15,2018 . Two days after my 26th Birthday . You were 24 years old . You took your own life. Too loose you is the worst pain I ever felt in my life. I am confused and in pain today. I miss you so much it hurts. I’m so scared that this pain will keep me down. I love you forever . There isn’t a day I don’t think about you. I feel angry and sad. Why did you leave us? I blame myself and everyone. It’s so hard without you here . I just want to be able give you a hug as long as possible . My birthday was the last time I saw you , my last hug, my last “ I love you” . It hurts . No words can express this feeling . I love you Dustyn

Dear Aaron

Why? I struggle with this question everyday. Why did you do it? Why did you do it in my 40th birthday? I would have helped you. I’m broken man. YOU broke me. You broke my heart my spirit my mind. I really miss you man. I have so many questions with no answers. Did you know you would have this impact on me? Never been close to anybody that that until you hung yourself. I will never forget see you on the floor and at the funeral home. I don’t know what else to do. You are my little brother I’m supposed to go before you it was my job as a big sister to protect you you failed. Everybody misses you Mom Dad Shasta Darren he’s actually taking it pretty hard me the girls Dusty Dusty always a basket case we missed him up to man. We all love you. We all miss you. I wish I could follow you but I can’t. Can’t put mom and dad through that. Dad’s taking it rough mom hasn’t accepted anything yet she even had a stroke I’m so sorry I love you Aaron as long as I breathe I Will Always Love You and miss you I wish I could see you one more time even in a dream. I love you little brother!!!

Hey you

Hey you, can’t believe you actually did this. April 26th seems like it was yesterday. It’s been about 18 days, and I feel like it’s been forever now since I’ve heard your voice. I feel like you are going to call. Why’d you do it? Why didn’t you call me? I would have listened, you know I would have. I love you and I miss you. I can’t make sense of this. I’m still in shock.

Struggling and Tired

Dear CJ
Im not sure why I am having such a rough time but I am. Miss you so much. Keep thinking of you and everything. Maybe because Ive settled your estate and all that stuff is done. Changed the cemetery flowers. I made them for you. MandD havent been back since the funeral. Im guessing its too hard. My plans on a Friday night is to lock myself in my bedroom and look through pictures and cry. The hardest part is to look at the pictures of us as kids. I seriously just want to forget everything of our childhood so that way I can forget you. I dont want to hang out at M and D’s. I just dont want to remember anything and just pretend I was always an only child as if nothing ever happened. Self preservation I guess. Everything was good growing up and I just want everything to be normal again with you around like you are suppose to be. Not in a grave……
I think about how you got up, fed the cats, grabbed your gun and walked out of your house for the last time. What were you thinking when you drove to the park? Were you at peace? How long did you sit on that bench? Were you at peace? What did you think of when you put the gun to yourself?? Makes me sick to my stomach to think of what was going through your mind. I hope you were at peace. The medical examiner says most people are once they make their decision. I know you didnt want to be stopped because you told NO ONE! I try not to think of any of this but it creeps back into my head. I think about you every day. Im tired of thinking…..so tired. Im tired of my heart aching. Im tired of crying. Im tired of missing you. Im tired of hearing your nephew tell me how much he misses you. Im tired of wanting to turn back time. Im tired of wishing you would have just called me…..one phone call.

Dear Mitch

Hey man , I miss you so much. Its been 3 years now and it still feels like a dream. We were supposed to grow up together and go through this thing called life together. I dont enjoy anything as much as i used to, ppl dont get the sense of humour we had and the secrets only me n you know of. I’m sorry i wasnt there for you in the end, i feel like i gave up on you for my own selfish needs. I only thought about myself when u always thought about us first, and ill forever be ashamed of that. I was selfish and when you left us it hit hard how much you did for me. It was always me n you for 25 years i wouldnt trade any of it. I’m proud to be your brother and always will be. Love you Mitch

Miss you

Hey David,
I’ve been missing you since October 17, 2018, but I focused on finishing my master’s and the grief is hitting me hard now that I’ve turned in my comprehensive exam… it was hard to get motivated after you passed, but I know it’s what you would have wanted.
I opened our old Google chat the other day and scrolled back to the first message where you told me you needed my help with a project for Engineering school. Specifically, whether a hydroponics system would be sustainable within your design for a fully sustainable house and whether grey water could be used…… You were so brilliant Dave. I hope you know how proud we all are of your great ideas and innovative spirit.
At first, when I came home for your funeral it was like those times you were on a skiing trip and I was at college and we just ‘missed each other’. But now I’m beginning to really feel that you’re gone and it hurts immensely.
I would have really like to talk to you about my final project of designing a STEM center for schools… I know you would have had lots of ideas for student-directed projects and some engineering expertise to add.
I know you were dealing with severe symptoms of schizophrenia and depression and you decided enough was enough… but I wish I could have done something, anything… to keep you here with us.
I love you, lil’ brother,
love,
Dara

One year ago today….

My Dearest Kate,
It was exactly one year ago today that we received that horrible call from the Toronto police – a call that changed our lives permanently, that you’d taken your own life in a creepy, dilapidated hotel in downtown Toronto. Since then me, mom and dad have been grappling with feelings of guilt, sadness and anger, wondering if there was anything we could’ve done to stop you. I know you’d gone off your meds, and that does somehow make it easier to understand, but not accept. I miss you each and every day, and think of you each morning when I wake up and each night when I go to sleep. The great times we had as kids, the time we were apart when you disappeared – us not knowing where you were for so many years, or that you’d been diagnosed and committed for your mental illness. The truth is Kate, we loved you more than you ever knew, and I just wish I’d have told you more. This past year I’ve kept thinking that once we hit the one year mark I’d be able to move past the grief, but it just hasn’t happened. The only comfort I have is knowing you’re in heaven and one day I’ll see you again. I’ve asked mom and dad to dinner tomorrow night as a celebration of your life, but I suspect they’re too upset, so maybe a quiet night In is best for everyone. I hope I’m some ways that you’re looking down on us and seeing what this has done to us, and maybe in some way realizing now how much you’re missed. That’s it for now, but I’ll write you again. Miss you and love you always.
Your brother.

Li’l Bro

Today, I start the rest of my life without you. How does one feel so badly and show no signs of it? You and I have been the only survivors of our family of 5 since 1982. How could you leave me. How could you leave your family? I am so angry, I can’t calm down. I am so sad, I can’t stop crying. How could you do this???? My God! You were the most kindest, loving soul and were so loved. Good-by Li’L Bro. I love you.