To Stephen, on your 3rd Angel-Anniversary

To My Beautiful Brother Stephen,
In less then a month we will honor the 3rd year since we lost you. I still have not been able to return to Seattle as the memories and landmarks we shared for nearly 45 years are still too painful and raw. Your beautiful bride is even more a part of my life since your departure and this brings me such love and comfort. Since you never had any children, she and dad are my only birth family link. Dad is 90 now, he has Alzheimer’s and can’t or won’t talk about you. I’ve made peace with that. It means I’m alone without anyone from our birth family to lean into. My husband and son miss you too but are unable to express their emotions. I am left to carry this all alone. It has broken me. I have been unable to maintain friendships as sooner or later my anger and rage consumes me and causes me to express anger. You were the co-keeper of my childhood. You were struggling all your life and I was only slightly more stable I believe because I was a girl. You made it to 62. I turned 62 this year and you would have just turned 65 on Jan 30th. You would have been able to enjoy your earned social security and Medicare. I miss you. I hate myself for not helping you more, even though I’m told it would never have never stopped you. I’m only barely more of a Christian then you were an Atheist and yet I PRAY we will be reunited in Heaven. I have thought about giving up on life over the years but could not imagine the pain that would bring to my only child and your only nephew. I am here being a caretaker to daddy as he was to mom for 36 years with Parkinson’s. I am sad, broken, depressed, lost and consumed with grief. But I fight the good fight for both of us now and I promise I always will. I promise to find hope through the heartache, to find joy through the sadness, to find strength through the incredible weakness, to love even when it’s hard, to live freely and bravely, even when I’m scared, to make the most of my days….to live in a way that would make you proud. I love and miss you more everyday of my life and I look forward to our family to all be reunited one day in the afterlife, wherever that may be.
Your ever loving sister, Linda

Another Christmas Eve

I have been trying to write a letter to you for so many times. I can’t gather my thoughts to express my feelings. The only thing I feel is just missing you. I wish I could write you about how things are going on and how I’ve been doing. I’ve been very bad last days, weeks, even months.
I’m feeling so hurt, like there is no person in the whole world who could understand my pain I’m feeling because I lost you. We’ve been talking every single day,but you never told me anything about what was bothering you. I miss you so God d*** much I would give my whole life just for another day together.
My sister, I’m lonely. I’m so lonely I wish I was the first who had killed herself just not to have to deal with life so alone.
I know I can’t do this on my own.
I know you aren’t here, in my world anymore. But I do feel your spirit. You are the extra chair at the Christmas table. You are the tear that drops every single night from my eye. You are the number that never answers anymore.
You are always in my heart.

Little brother

4 months and christmas is approaching. I’ve been through your bday. Turkey day, hunting season, but this time this holiday, it hurts bro. I miss you. I hate seeing dad so sad. I feel like I’m drowning. I never wish u back, I wish u free. I’m not sure if u think we didnt love or need you. But we really did. I needed u. I still do. Freddy got a tree too big this year, and u were not here to fix it. I lost it. The thought of more days like today debates me. I cant stop hearing dads voice on the phone that day. Or you laying there in the hospital. I’m angry and sad. I am lost. I miss you so much. I miss us. I miss not being alone. I dont know how to be ok this time. I have to. I just dont know how. I love you soo much scotty. Always have and always will little brother. I wish you free.

Hey

I don’t know what to say. I am hurting more than I thought I could. I got the news just last night. Never heard dad cry like that before in my life. It rattled me.
You always said how you were a terrible friend, uncle, brother, etc… Honestly, I don’t care how terrible of an anything you were, I just wish you were alive.

Never gets easier

My Dearest Kate – it’s been over six months and your birthday is coming up soon. I thought by now I’d have moved on, but I can’t. How can I ever move on from the person I grew up with and was my closest friend for so long? I keep hoping for a sign that you’re in heaven, yet I never get one. I constantly wonder if I could’ve done more, said more, but we had no clue what you were planning. This weekend we’re going to buy a plot to place your ashes. I was imagining myself visiting your grave site, and it’s just devastating to imagine. I’ll always love you and miss you….

I miss you man

Hey Tonio. Its been over a year and i miss you like crazy. I was doing just fine today and then out of nowhere i fell apart. I couldnt stop crying. I cant talk to anyone about you. I cant say anything to mom or dad, they’re struggling themselves to manage day to day. Our other siblings dont like hearing anything that remotely is about you. I cant talk to anyone because its been a little over a year and i should be over it by now. I miss you. I don’t want to miss you. This isnt a f—— joke man. Come back i need you. I cant do this antoni i just need my older brother back with me. Please come home. Tell me this was all a dream. Tell me you’re still alive and i just imagined the past year. What do i do now. I don’t want to be without you, you are my world. You protected me and i couldn’t protect you. Im sorry. If i could go back in time i never would have left for college. Please forgive me for leaving you alone. I love you

CJ one year later

Dear CJ
UGG….cant believe it still. Been a year. Took off work and went to your grave on the anniversary. Made you an arrangement for the stone. I should have been making it for your front door instead. I still feel like this is a bad dream and Ill wake up and you will be here. I feel like maybe you are on a long vaca to Japan and I just cant talk to you right now but soon you will be home. I had a dream the other night where I saw and heard you in the kitchen at mom and dads. I know you are ok. I feel you have no reservations about your decision. Im ok with that as well, but Im the one who woke up quietly crying at 0200 hrs in bed. You know we would supported you no matter what. Just wish you would have given us the chance to do that. For some reason today has been hard. I just want to talk to you. Im still at a loss for words. You just took such a big piece of my heart and soul. I hate being an only child. I hate this whole situation. You broke my heart. We did a 5K run for suicide awareness last month. Why am I doing this!?!?!?
(Oh by the way, I passed the test 😉 Thanks for your help!! Now need to get the job!! )
I MISS YOU SO MUCH!! I have loved you all your life and I will still love you all of mine.

It’s been five months and I have no answers. (SiblingSurvivors Letters)

It’s been five months.  I have no answer.

My dearest Kate, it’s been five months since you took your life. I thought things would get better and fade over time, but the opposite has happened.
For months I was still in shock and numb, and couldn’t bring myself to talk about or think about you, but now, months later, I cry at the most random times; driving home from work, watching tv at night, in the shower, at church.
I still have no answers as to why you decided to end it, and I don’t think I ever will. You’d so carefully and meticulously planned it for months, yet Mom, Dad and I all missed it.
Our family will never be the same Kate, I can’t bear to mention you in front of Mom and Dad because I can tell they’re in so much pain.
My only hope for your now is that you’re in heaven and in god’s loving arms. I hope that one day when it’s my time I’ll see you there….
Love always your brother.

I miss you too much

Jimmy,
You left me on June 1st without a goodbye. That’s one part that hurts the most. I’ve searched through all of your journals for mentions of me. There weren’t many but I’m glad to know you cared for me. I tried so hard to help you throughout your whole life. You never listened. You were the quintessential little brother. I loved you and I hated you. You were my best friend and you were super annoying. Tomorrow will be your 30th birthday and I’m a mess. I will never forget our last conversation and the absolute sorrow in your voice as you pretended to be happy about the news of my wedding date being set. Your last words to me were “I’ll see you then” which I thought was so strange since the wedding would be months away and I would definitely see you before then. You lied to me. And I knew it. I knew when you said those words and how you sounded that you were lying. Those words, your voice, are forever imprinted in my mind. I can’t believe you are gone. I still search for you in crowds, thinking I might spot you even though I saw you lifeless on the basement floor. My mind seems to be playing tricks on me. It hurts too much now that you’re gone. I loved you your whole life, little brother. I will love you for the rest of mine. I wish you were still here. Have a good birthday in Heaven tomorrow with Dad. And please show me a sign tomorrow that you’re okay. I miss you so much.