When this year is over, it will have been 10 years since you jumped from that tower. You were 23 back then, and I was 9.
Even though I was a little boy at that time I still have these memories of you. What makes it even worse is knowing how blurry my memories of you have become, it makes me sad.
Since you’ve left there has always been this emptiness in my life I am constantly trying to fill – mostly to my own detriment. It’s like a shadow looking over my shoulder all the time.
Back then you were my hero, my role model, my big brother who I looked up to. For a long time I have been unconsciously looking for a replacement-role-model – never found.
It feels sh**ty that I never really got to know. Without success I have been trying to piece together a picture of the person I didn’t get to know that much. But mostly without success.
Thinking about you gives me this bittersweet feeling of homeliness and, for a moment, the emptiness vanishes.
Sometimes waking up after a dream, thinking you are still alive. Often I think about what could have been.
I’m not religious but I wish there would be something like heaven just so I could meet you again.

OMG, what a year it has been! Do you know how many times I would have loved to called and vent to you about all the ridiculousness going on around us!?!?! Ugg, no one else would understand but you. And mom and dad….where do I even start with that and them becoming hermits through all of this. Tried to tell C but he doesnt understand the family dynamic. So frustrating as I just feel like a buoy in the middle of the ocean all by myself. Anyways, got your memorial tattoo started. Looks cool. I can see you rolling your eyes. HAHAHA. Work is good. Im a detective now. Got your picture up in the office. Well just wanted to say HI and I love you and miss you more than you will ever know, sis.

I’m writing this January 29, 2020 a little over 2 years ago. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was a freshman, now a junior in high school. I was already having a rough day at school and something was giving me bad vibes. My mom went to work at 6 am and I didn’t wake up until 7 am. It started off a typical Monday except I went to school with the intentions of asking my mom after school if we could go see my brother the following weekend. My brother lived with my grandpa at the time. I got off school and went to walk to my grandmas like I do every day after school. At this time I had a phone but it wasn’t turned on. I guess my mom tried calling me but obviously I didn’t get the calls. She also asked the school to tell me she was picking me up from the school that day. So I walk across the street to wait with my friend until her mom got there as I did every day. I tried connecting to the WiFi nearby and I ended up connecting and as soon as my phone connected it started blowing up with calls of my my and messages of her asking where I was. I told her I was at the gas station across the street from my school and she told me she’s on her way now. She pulls up and as soon as I get in the car the whole atmosphere changed. It was just all sad vibes all around. I could tell my mom had been crying. That wasn’t even the first thing that was weird to me at the time. My moms best friend was with her and she didn’t say a word the whole time we were in the car which is highly unusual for her. I’m cracking jokes trying to lighten the mood because I had no idea why everybody was so quiet. So we drive down the street to my grandmas house and as we pull up I see my dad and my little sisters getting out of my dads car. Which was extremely weird because my dad and my mom don’t get along at all and neither do my dad and my grandma. I also noticed a whole bunch of my family members outside which was weird and I just thought maybe we were having a little get together. Me and my sisters were about to go inside and eat and settle down but all of a sudden we hear our dad say “girls don’t go in there yet come here sit down we need to talk” my initial thoughts were “oh I’m probably in trouble what did I do let me think of what I could’ve done” but no. Everybody’s eyes were on me and my sisters. Then all we hear is my dad say “he’s gone” and me and my sisters looked at each other confused. Then he said “your brother is gone” my head immediately hit my lap and I felt a strong turning in my stomach. I remember I didn’t go to school for a week and a half and people thought I dropped out. After my brother passed I hated everything he loved because it just brought back memories and feelings I didn’t want to feel. I had no motivation for school .No motivation for sports. Not even enough motivation or energy to shower or even get out of bed. I would have bad anxiety attacks out of nowhere I’d have breakdowns at least once a week. My brother had 2 birds that we took on after he passed. One night I was sleeping and I thought I heard something but obviously I thought it was in my dream. But I wake up and look over and I swore I seen my brother standing there holding one of his birds on his shoulder smiling at me and saying “let it be” which was his favorite song.

Damian, I miss you every day. I miss your awkward laugh and unnatural dimple. I miss arguing with you about who would get to control the TV. I miss your alligator tears that would show like magic after taking a few bites of your food. I would have never imagined just one day no longer being able to see that. I always pictured myself passing before most of the family, but especially you and April. It’s unnatural to experience the passing of those younger than you, which is what makes it that much harder to bear with. On top of this, I find it so difficult to wrap my head around the decision you made to end your life. Not a single one of us would have ever thought you were capable of willingly leaving everyone behind like you did. I still find myself getting angry with you sometimes because of the pain that I experience, but I want you to understand that it’s not you – it’s solely your actions.
You were a blessing in everyone’s life and you took that from all of us when you left. I wish you would have vocalized your pain – we are all here for you. We miss you. I can’t get over the pain of missing you, although I find myself begging for it everyday.
I’ll never forget us sitting in my room talking about God and how I refused to accept this idea of God knowing that he chose everyday to bring pain on the lives of people across the world. I replay that conversation over and over and over again just thinking about how annoyed you probably are with me now being a believer, but only after you’ve already passed. I know you’d make fun of me, but better late than never, right?
Damian, you changed the worlds of all those that were fortunate enough with your presence. As your older brother, I felt an almost parental-like responsibility for your well-being. You know we love you, that we care for you. I’ll never know why and I’ll never get over that, but I want you to know I still love you through everything. I never realized how much we all seriously needed each other until your passing. I think about you everyday and I know that it won’t ever change. I am so glad your pain is over. I know you’re resting with Him and appreciating all that life had to offer you in all your 16 years. Brother, please continue to watch over me and the rest of the family. I love you.

Dear Big Brother,
As of June 4 2020 I am now 19, the age you were when you took your life. Some days I feel on top of the world and others I beg to join you, but I refuse to because now is not the time. There are still songs I haven’t heard and ice cream flavors I’ve never tried. There are still sunsets that paint the skies orange and mountains I have yet to climb. Every few nights I still hear mom crying softly from her room and your empty chair at the dinner table still sends a stab of pain through me every time I sit down. But with pride I tell you that I am a new man, and I refuse to let my grief bring me down. I’ve learned to bottle my grief and anger and let it explode into ambition, and I have never been better. Not a day goes by where haven’t begged you to come home, but I have finally, finally accepted the fact that you are where you’re supposed to be. I love you with all of my heart Mckellar. I’ll take the wheel from here.

Kate,
It’s been two years today since you took your own life, and there hasn’t been a day that’s gone by where I haven’t thought of you.
Mom and Dad went to your grave today, but I couldn’t make it because of some work stuff, but will be going on Wednesday.
Last night I was thinking about the past two years, and was trying to figure out where I am in the grieving process, and realized I just don’t know, because I haven’t taken the time to grieve. I don’t mean this in a bad way, but I’ve been trying to make sure mom and dad are okay, and I guess in the process haven’t really sat down and thought about how much this has impacted me.
I realized that I honestly haven’t had a good laugh, or truly been happy since you passed, and you know how much I used to joke and laugh.
I just seem to have lost simple things, like laughter and joking, and some larger things like the enthusiasm of going to work, spending time with Jennifer etc.
No, I’m not depressed, and would never think of taking my own life, but I lost a lot of my character the day you died.
I still often wonder what your last thoughts were, and If you had second thoughts. I wonder if you thought about mom, dad and me, and how this would impact us.
I guess it doesn’t matter now, but I miss you every day and if I could somehow go back in time, knowing what I now know, I’d definitely have made more of an effort to talk to you. The saddest thing is that none of us knew, because there were no signs. We knew you’d gone off your meds, and that things had changed, but we never knew what you were planning.
Anyway, I know you’re in heaven and can see us every day, so I know you see how much we love you.
Miss you, your brother.