Category Archives: Letters

Dear Aaron

Why? I struggle with this question everyday. Why did you do it? Why did you do it in my 40th birthday? I would have helped you. I’m broken man. YOU broke me. You broke my heart my spirit my mind. I really miss you man. I have so many questions with no answers. Did you know you would have this impact on me? Never been close to anybody that that until you hung yourself. I will never forget see you on the floor and at the funeral home. I don’t know what else to do. You are my little brother I’m supposed to go before you it was my job as a big sister to protect you you failed. Everybody misses you Mom Dad Shasta Darren he’s actually taking it pretty hard me the girls Dusty Dusty always a basket case we missed him up to man. We all love you. We all miss you. I wish I could follow you but I can’t. Can’t put mom and dad through that. Dad’s taking it rough mom hasn’t accepted anything yet she even had a stroke I’m so sorry I love you Aaron as long as I breathe I Will Always Love You and miss you I wish I could see you one more time even in a dream. I love you little brother!!!

Hey you

Hey you, can’t believe you actually did this. April 26th seems like it was yesterday. It’s been about 18 days, and I feel like it’s been forever now since I’ve heard your voice. I feel like you are going to call. Why’d you do it? Why didn’t you call me? I would have listened, you know I would have. I love you and I miss you. I can’t make sense of this. I’m still in shock.

Struggling and Tired

Dear CJ
Im not sure why I am having such a rough time but I am. Miss you so much. Keep thinking of you and everything. Maybe because Ive settled your estate and all that stuff is done. Changed the cemetery flowers. I made them for you. MandD havent been back since the funeral. Im guessing its too hard. My plans on a Friday night is to lock myself in my bedroom and look through pictures and cry. The hardest part is to look at the pictures of us as kids. I seriously just want to forget everything of our childhood so that way I can forget you. I dont want to hang out at M and D’s. I just dont want to remember anything and just pretend I was always an only child as if nothing ever happened. Self preservation I guess. Everything was good growing up and I just want everything to be normal again with you around like you are suppose to be. Not in a grave……
I think about how you got up, fed the cats, grabbed your gun and walked out of your house for the last time. What were you thinking when you drove to the park? Were you at peace? How long did you sit on that bench? Were you at peace? What did you think of when you put the gun to yourself?? Makes me sick to my stomach to think of what was going through your mind. I hope you were at peace. The medical examiner says most people are once they make their decision. I know you didnt want to be stopped because you told NO ONE! I try not to think of any of this but it creeps back into my head. I think about you every day. Im tired of thinking…..so tired. Im tired of my heart aching. Im tired of crying. Im tired of missing you. Im tired of hearing your nephew tell me how much he misses you. Im tired of wanting to turn back time. Im tired of wishing you would have just called me…..one phone call.

Dear Mitch

Hey man , I miss you so much. Its been 3 years now and it still feels like a dream. We were supposed to grow up together and go through this thing called life together. I dont enjoy anything as much as i used to, ppl dont get the sense of humour we had and the secrets only me n you know of. I’m sorry i wasnt there for you in the end, i feel like i gave up on you for my own selfish needs. I only thought about myself when u always thought about us first, and ill forever be ashamed of that. I was selfish and when you left us it hit hard how much you did for me. It was always me n you for 25 years i wouldnt trade any of it. I’m proud to be your brother and always will be. Love you Mitch

Miss you

Hey David,
I’ve been missing you since October 17, 2018, but I focused on finishing my master’s and the grief is hitting me hard now that I’ve turned in my comprehensive exam… it was hard to get motivated after you passed, but I know it’s what you would have wanted.
I opened our old Google chat the other day and scrolled back to the first message where you told me you needed my help with a project for Engineering school. Specifically, whether a hydroponics system would be sustainable within your design for a fully sustainable house and whether grey water could be used…… You were so brilliant Dave. I hope you know how proud we all are of your great ideas and innovative spirit.
At first, when I came home for your funeral it was like those times you were on a skiing trip and I was at college and we just ‘missed each other’. But now I’m beginning to really feel that you’re gone and it hurts immensely.
I would have really like to talk to you about my final project of designing a STEM center for schools… I know you would have had lots of ideas for student-directed projects and some engineering expertise to add.
I know you were dealing with severe symptoms of schizophrenia and depression and you decided enough was enough… but I wish I could have done something, anything… to keep you here with us.
I love you, lil’ brother,
love,
Dara

One year ago today….

My Dearest Kate,
It was exactly one year ago today that we received that horrible call from the Toronto police – a call that changed our lives permanently, that you’d taken your own life in a creepy, dilapidated hotel in downtown Toronto. Since then me, mom and dad have been grappling with feelings of guilt, sadness and anger, wondering if there was anything we could’ve done to stop you. I know you’d gone off your meds, and that does somehow make it easier to understand, but not accept. I miss you each and every day, and think of you each morning when I wake up and each night when I go to sleep. The great times we had as kids, the time we were apart when you disappeared – us not knowing where you were for so many years, or that you’d been diagnosed and committed for your mental illness. The truth is Kate, we loved you more than you ever knew, and I just wish I’d have told you more. This past year I’ve kept thinking that once we hit the one year mark I’d be able to move past the grief, but it just hasn’t happened. The only comfort I have is knowing you’re in heaven and one day I’ll see you again. I’ve asked mom and dad to dinner tomorrow night as a celebration of your life, but I suspect they’re too upset, so maybe a quiet night In is best for everyone. I hope I’m some ways that you’re looking down on us and seeing what this has done to us, and maybe in some way realizing now how much you’re missed. That’s it for now, but I’ll write you again. Miss you and love you always.
Your brother.

Li’l Bro

Today, I start the rest of my life without you. How does one feel so badly and show no signs of it? You and I have been the only survivors of our family of 5 since 1982. How could you leave me. How could you leave your family? I am so angry, I can’t calm down. I am so sad, I can’t stop crying. How could you do this???? My God! You were the most kindest, loving soul and were so loved. Good-by Li’L Bro. I love you.

To Joe on National Siblings’ Day

Hey bro. I don’t think we ever celebrated this day, but I wish I could with you. It’s been over a year now, but I still remember hearing mom telling me over the phone like a thunderclap.
We all miss you so much. I don’t think I’ll ever get over that you’ll never meet my child or any of our children. I guess I thought you and me were the most likely to get married and have kids, and that we’d be the ones running the big family events. I wish I had realized just how close to the edge you were.
I still don’t know what to tell people when they ask about my siblings. I keep talking like all of my siblings are alive, and then I stumble. I keep expecting you to come back, like you’re just on a lengthy, solitary vacation or something. There’s something so final about suicide that I can’t comprehend, and I just keep waiting for you to come back.
I don’t think any of our hearts will ever heal completely, but I want you to know you’re here with us on National Siblings Day, and we miss you so much.
I love you. I hope I get to see you again.

Dear Manito

03/27/2019
Hi Manito,
Today marks 7 months since our lives changed forever. You have no idea how devastated Mami is, I bet you never imagined that her life would end with yours. She is no longer the same. I have to admit as much as I miss you am also so mad with you. Not only did you take away you, my only brother, but you also took our mother along for the worst ride of her life. The kids miss you every day. Nayzeth is going through her teenage years and Nathan can’t believe you are gone, he is basically lost without you, Naylie is too young to understand but she always says she knows you’re in a better place. Manito lets go back in time and just start over. Let’s take those pictures again, lets embrace each other, I need you Manito. How am I supposed to live the rest of my life knowing you are no longer here, how am I supposed to get old and bury our mother? I need you, it was the way it was meant to be, me and you, just me and you.
With a broken Heart,
Your Baby sister,
Elizabeth D-Flo.
P.S
Your finally with Dad, just how you always wanted.

To Stephen, on your 3rd Angel-Anniversary

To My Beautiful Brother Stephen,
In less then a month we will honor the 3rd year since we lost you. I still have not been able to return to Seattle as the memories and landmarks we shared for nearly 45 years are still too painful and raw. Your beautiful bride is even more a part of my life since your departure and this brings me such love and comfort. Since you never had any children, she and dad are my only birth family link. Dad is 90 now, he has Alzheimer’s and can’t or won’t talk about you. I’ve made peace with that. It means I’m alone without anyone from our birth family to lean into. My husband and son miss you too but are unable to express their emotions. I am left to carry this all alone. It has broken me. I have been unable to maintain friendships as sooner or later my anger and rage consumes me and causes me to express anger. You were the co-keeper of my childhood. You were struggling all your life and I was only slightly more stable I believe because I was a girl. You made it to 62. I turned 62 this year and you would have just turned 65 on Jan 30th. You would have been able to enjoy your earned social security and Medicare. I miss you. I hate myself for not helping you more, even though I’m told it would never have never stopped you. I’m only barely more of a Christian then you were an Atheist and yet I PRAY we will be reunited in Heaven. I have thought about giving up on life over the years but could not imagine the pain that would bring to my only child and your only nephew. I am here being a caretaker to daddy as he was to mom for 36 years with Parkinson’s. I am sad, broken, depressed, lost and consumed with grief. But I fight the good fight for both of us now and I promise I always will. I promise to find hope through the heartache, to find joy through the sadness, to find strength through the incredible weakness, to love even when it’s hard, to live freely and bravely, even when I’m scared, to make the most of my days….to live in a way that would make you proud. I love and miss you more everyday of my life and I look forward to our family to all be reunited one day in the afterlife, wherever that may be.
Your ever loving sister, Linda