Category Archives: Letters


I’m missing you more than I should today. My heart is tearing more and more as the minutes pass. My chest is tight, I feel like I’m suffocating.… my eyes can’t hold back the pouring tears today. I’m hurting here without you today. You’re the only comfort my body needs today, and you’re not here. My throat can’t handle the gulps anymore… the pressure of grief. I cut my hair this morning. I showered, I drank water, I slept in, Im trying brother.. I miss you so f** much today.

To My Bro Dan

Dan I miss you. It’s been three whole weeks and I just don’t know how to deal with the fact that you’re gone. It’s feels surreal. I miss you Dan. I know we didn’t talk much recently but please believe me when I say that I was trying to protect myself…. in the past, challenging times for you meant that I wasn’t safe. But I know you tried. You tried so hard, you sweet boy.
You were kind and loving and I’m told that you were the most devoted friend. We hold the same things dear Dan. We both love art and odd things in nature. You thought it was the coolest thing when your big sister in grad school got her motorcycle license and I thought your tattoos were beautiful – I just got a temporary one for you Dan. It’s the one you got for Kraina because I want to remember you as your most loving self. Your love for her was magic. I prayed that one day I’d find that kind of love, and I did Dan. I wish you would’ve gotten to know Reuven more. I know he doesn’t look like your type with his engineer vibe but he’s so quirky and creative too- he’s one of us Dan. And he’s so sensitive and loving. Inside, you guys are very similar actually.

I wish we could go kayaking and sea glass collecting together. We totally could have taken a trip together- you, Kraina, reuven and me. I think we’d all love Guatemala. I’m gonna take Ma there and we’re gonna hike the volcano and think of you. You would have loved so many parts of life Dan. I know you were so tortured and couldn’t accept love and I’m so sorry for being obnoxious to you when we were younger. I was honestly scared of you and angry that you made my life unsafe and unpredictable. But we don’t need to talk about that now. I know you felt guilty for that and I just want you to know that I forgive you for those years. I worked through it in therapy and I’m really okay. You were just a kid and life was so freaking hard. I wish you could forgive yourself too, and forgive me.

I really thought you turned into such a cool person – kind, creative and so much generosity. Ugh I should’ve given you that darn guitar you wanted.

Dan I don’t know where you are right now but I just want you to know that I love you. You’re my only sibling look-alike and beyond that, we’re made of similar stuff. We both feel and care a bit too deeply (you were so wise in so many ways), we have that creative eye, love animals, workout lovers. We’re kind of spiritual- not religious, don’t worry.

Dan I know you were so proud of me for breaking the mold. You thought it was so cool I took pole classes – said you respected the workout and that I’m doing me. Well I think you’d think it’s cool that I started a boudoir photography business. I’m ducking out of corporate a bit to pursue a creative passion. It brings me such joy Dan. I wish I could tell you so you could be proud of me.

We were the most open minded in our family Dan. I really thought you and me would be friends one day. Our kids would look alike. It’s like the future was just snatched from me and I really was looking forward to it.

Please Dan, wherever you are, know your big sis loves you and was proud of you. At just 23, you were so much bigger at than all of us in a lot of ways. I promise to keep you alive by doing and being in ways you would.

I’ve been in touch with Kraina and she’s so wonderful. I wish you guys were together when you passed, for your sake but not for hers. She’s really suffering as it is. But she got the crane tattoo also. She said “he got it for me so I’m getting it for him”. So we’re tattoo sisters now 🙂 I love mine. Feels like I see some of you every day… and I love what it says about me- I’m making bold statements for my bro, and I’m wearing my feelings on my sleeve – get it? Cuz it’s on my wrist? I love you Dan. I’m gonna make you proud. Promise. Love, Neens

Thank you for your last words

Hey Christian. I’m sorry for everything you were suffering toward the end. But the past 4 years especially. I wish I had been there for you more. Called more. Been physically present with you more. I want you to know I’m not angry with you. I know if you made this choice it was your final resort. Just know that I will love you forever and always. You are my brother for life. I hope to see you again. Thank you for the video you left for all of us. You left us with an incredible gift of knowing that you knew you were loved by us and that you loved us too. Thank you for that. I love you, sweet Christian.

Dear Daniel

It’s been so long, buddy, a full year and a half without you. I still am in a denial I think I never really will be able to comprehend why and why that night. I wish so badly that we can unlock your phone still and I am a little mad you left without saying goodbye, you had no note with you. This brings me back to my denial I can’t accept that you are gone buddy I think everything I’ve done so far even made it seem ok by saying if I do it I’m doing it for you like nursing school hopefully I finish this year or like one day opening up Daniels Health, maybe these just make me feel better but I hope you’re proud. I know you are in peace and I hope that heaven is truly the happiest place on earth. I still cry every day sometimes more than once but there are always times when I am with the rest of the siblings and everything is ok I know you are with us when were all together. Things have gotten crazier in a way that inflation has begun like crazy, I think it is ok since hopefully ill be rich soon, I just wish you could’ve seen all what the future will hold and what will change I wish you can come and hug me again like the time I gave you your LV wallet if I had known that would be the last gift I would buy you the world buddy. I hate myself so much for not knowing better I don’t think I will ever forgive myself for our little arguments and the times I put friends before you but I hope you know everything I do is for you I miss you more than anything and if I could I would go back in a heartbeat. I’m going to be 21 soon which is exciting but so scary since you were only 21 when you left this earth buddy. I know you are two years older than me but in some aspects, I felt as though I was your older sister and I failed you and I am so sorry. I will continue working on myself and give Laib, Yusa, and Marii the life your would’ve wanted. I hope heaven is a breath of fresh air for you and I hope your experience endless amounts of happiness love you so much, buddy.

My Big Goofball Brother 2.0

Years have now flown by. Your dog has now passed, but don’t you fret he lived the best spoiled life ever. It was incredibly hard losing him after you. He felt like the last living part of you. I now own a cat. Yes a cat. I don’t even believe it myself. I think you would get along with him though. Both of you like to cause me trouble.
I’ve dropped out of college and restarted college over the years. You and I have always had issues with school. The lack of motivation, yet we understand the importance of education. That personal drive isn’t there. You were the only one I could discuss that with peacefully.
I miss your wit. I’ve been catching myself the last few days getting a little cocky and egotistical…. need you  to knock me down a few pegs. Plus we now have a nephew who needs to learn the ancient ways of being a smartass. Our brother wrote you a lovely note about how he thinks you could’ve been the best funcle. You really would’ve. You should see him being a dad. It’s pretty awesome. Our sister is out here taking over the world with her strong educated opinions and non-fuckery. Meanwhile, I’m just hanging out as usual. Think I’m going to go buy a bright orange hat soon.
I love you and miss those great big hugs.
-Your little sis

My little brother

You always gave me grief when I called you that. My little brother, we were only a year and 8 months apart but responsibilities wise I felt years older than you. Maybe since I was the older sister I wanted to take care of you and protect you and maybe since 16 when you started having trouble with mental illness I felt like I needed to.
Its less than 2 months since you’ve been gone and it feels unreal. When reality does poke through, the pain is unreal. You were 32 and I was 33. I told you I wanted us to look at our pictures together when we were in our 60s. You always hated photos. Now that’s all I have. I realize that there weren’t many videos of you because it was hard enough to get a photo of you let alone a full video. Now I’m scared I’ll forget your voice. I’m so scared malli. I’m scared to live through the rest of my life without you. I miss you so much. I wish I could have seen you one more time. I wish for your birthday our parents agreed to go on that family trip I planned. I’m so mad and angry, no at you but everything and everyone else. Especially God for taking you back. I am never mad at you because I know you tried, I saw how hard you wanted to live. I’m so sorry I feel like as your big sister I let you down. I will always feel like I let you down. I wasn’t old enough or strong enough. I was trying. The money I saved for you to start your real-estate business went to your funeral and that broke my heart. I think I hated God so much for that. I wish you just came home that day. I wish that so much. I dont know how to move on from not having you to talk to. You always knew the right and wise thing to say. I wish I could hear from you.

To Troy (Again)

Hey big brother, it’s me again. It’s been two months and I miss you like crazy. I still have a hard time believing this is real. I’m still angry at you. You get peace, and I get this nightmare reality? Hardly seems fair, but life rarely is. Not one single day, hell not one single hour goes by that I don’t think about you. The one person who truly knew me is dead. The one family member who could stand me is dead. The Alexis Rose to my David Rose, the Dean Winchester to my Sam Winchester is gone. No note. No explanation just gone. Two weeks before, I had called you crying upset about something our family had done. You told me “Don’t talk to them about how you feel. You’re inviting them to step on you. I’m sorry they’re like that, I don’t know why, but they are.” That still haunts me. What was hurting you two weeks later so much that you’d rather die than talk to even me? I’m so hurt. I hope you knew you could have talked to me. Love you, hate you, miss you.-Sav

To my lovely sister

Hey Sis,
I miss you so much, you had this beautiful graceful personality that I rarely see in the world anymore. It’s almost been four months. There’s so much you never got to tell me. Sometimes you appear in my dreams, you’re happy and smiling, watching over me as I lay in bed. We don’t talk but it’s ok. It’s really comforting until I wake up and then it’s sad again.. but you’re not hurting anymore.
I stopped wondering what happened the day you left us, because I almost started to understand why you felt there was no other option. Needless to say I saw several psych professionals a lot this summer. I’m ok.
I celebrated our birthdays last month, yours is actually on world suicide awareness day. I sometimes wonder if you did that on purpose. My then-boyfriend also proposed and I and wish you could have met him, and the kids we may have some day, and given me life advice.
I’m sorry I didn’t realize how much I needed you in my life until you were gone. You will be missed by so many family members.
Please shine your light on us,
Youngest sister, A.

Dear Matthew

I am writing this as I sit here in the living room, right across from the chair you sat in, the weekend before you died. I will remember every moment of that weekend until I leave this fragile, cruel world myself.
You texted that you and your wife were likely going to split up. You had hope though. You and she had planned to “give it once more chance” by taking a trip to Florida, but when she brought her 7-year-old grandson along at the last minute, you said you knew it was over. You told us she texted you, “I don’t love you anymore,” so that’s where you were. You didn’t seem distraught. You were your usual self. You wanted to stay with us for a few days, you had a job interview lined up you were hoping would work out. I said yes! Please come! And I said I would keep your confidence about what was going on with your marriage. You asked specifically that I not tell Mom. You didn’t want to “put up with her BS.” I said I didn’t blame you. She’s always been so judgmental and cruel, unless you’re a member of HER church (which gets anybody a kitchen pass to commit any and every kind of horror).
We talked about you losing your job in hospital construction. We watched the movie about the neurosurgeon in Dallas that killed all of those people, and you explained that “elective procedures are what pays for all of these fancy new hospitals.” Not car wrecks, not women having babies. Elective procedures. I listened to you talk about how your hospital construction company “let everybody go” at the end of 2021, elective procedures had been cancelled due to the Covid-19 pandemic. You were so hurt. You showed me how you left the hospital that last day, waving the middle finger salute just so that cameras would catch it. We laughed. I said, “I hope they did see it!” Then Tuesday night, as you and I stood in the kitchen, a look came over your face, and you said, “Yeah. I’m a sh*theel, I drink too much, I don’t support my family good enough,” and I screamed, “MATTHEW! Please, please, please don’t think that! If I ever gave you any reason to think that’s what I thought, please FORGIVE ME. Please, please don’t think this way. THIS IS WHAT KILLED DAD!” You looked at me and I swear, I think you thought something like “Oh sh*t. She knows!” Then you laughed and said, “Ahh, sis. It is what is is.” And I let it go.
The next morning, I wrote a note for you and put it on the front door. I almost didn’t leave that note, but I just knew on some level that, even if it made me late for work, I needed to leave you a note telling you you always had a place to stay here, no matter what happened with your wife. That you weren’t a rotten guy. That I loved you. And I’m so glad I did.
That afternoon, I called our sister. I told her I KNEW something was the matter and that I was worried about you. I told her not to say anything to our mother, but that you were likely going to divorce your wife and move down here. She said that you had called mother yourself the day before you left, and that mother had expressed shock that your wife was acting in such a way, seeming to let her marriage of almost 20 years go down the drain. I told our sister that I was very worried about you and that you had chosen NOT to go see our mother (who lived 5 miles from me here) because you didn’t want to put up with her BS. I don’t remember much else about the conversation other than coming away feeling like our sister didn’t seem to want to say much other than you “should’ve gotten your GED.” I yelled at her that you were a very successful construction project manager who’s made quite a successful life for himself WITHOUT a GED, for God’s sake. I told her that if she thought for a minute that you were not aware that’s how she felt, that she was mistaken. She said, “I never told Matthew that” — as if that excuses how judgmental and unempathetic she was — and I said goodbye.
The next evening, my husband woke me up and told me he had just gotten a call from your stepson. I screamed, “THAT’S WHAT YOU GET MOM!,” before I even fully understood what had happened. That’s what you GET Mom, for not letting two of your three children live their adult lives without unrelenting lack of approval of them. You granted approval for only one — the one who does everything and believes everything the same way you do.
When I shouted as much to our sister after I knew you were gone, she said I needed to shut up and calm down, that now was the time to “circle the wagons,” and come together as a family. I knew what that meant. That was code for KEEP THIS A SECRET. Well, I didn’t. I will not. I never will. I immediately called family and told them what happened. I called ministers and contacted old family friends. They hadn’t been told. Immediate family hadn’t been told even after more than 24 hours had passed. They wanted me to keep it a secret. Nobody wants to talk to me about your last weekend on earth. No one. I read your eulogy at your memorial service, but at your burial service, I was not contacted by anyone. I was the only one you gifted with your presence the days before you died, and I was “persona non grata” at your graveside.
Even my grief counselor tells me I’m “hurting myself by keeping on reliving these horrifically painful moments.” That I’m torturing myself by pounding my head against a wall, asking myself what kind of a mother doesn’t want to know what her ONLY SON said/did/thought about during his final “vacation.”
But you know what, writing is cathartic (or it is for me, sometimes). As I write this, I think I know what kind of mother would rather chit chat about the latest evangelical hoohah rather than talk to her eldest daughter about how her only son’s last weekend on earth went. I think I know what kind of mother would do that. And as I write, I’m realizing that I just may have an idea why you did what you did, after a lifetime of not having your deepest need to feel loved and approved of unconditionally met. So I guess my question is a rhetorical one, on one level.
The non-rhetorical question, the harder one to answer, is do I want to have anything other than an arm’s length, superficial relationship with our mother and sister in the future. How do I let the gaping, black hole in them, their complete absence of empathy, not make me want to scream?? How do I get to the place where I see this as just evidence of their brokenness and “accept them for who they are,” as I am being told to do. “You’re just being the victim otherwise.” Am I?? I don’t think so.
Corey and I are creating an endowed scholarship for college student athletes in your memory now. You were so talented. You were loyal to your friends and you loved your family, even when we weren’t very lovable. You truly were “the best of us.”
I will love you and remember you always. Your name will be spoken often in my home. My children and grandchildren will know you. Your memory will NEVER be allowed to fade. Not while I, your oldest sister who would give everything she owns for one more minute to hug you and tell you that she loves you always, no matter what, continues to draw breath.

I wish I knew what was hurting you sooo bad

To my lil brother AD I’m in utter disbelief right now. This is a pain that will never go away I’m still replaying that call that you decided to leave us this way. I’m sooooo sorry I didn’t know internally what was going on and the feelings you had kept inside being your only sister you know how I felt about protecting my brothers but yet you left us. I’m sorry I will forever love and miss u I will never place judgement on your decision I just hope you resting peaceful In heaven with our daddy and brothers. Rest in peace A.D I’m sorry that i never imagined anything like this to happen I can’t tell you enough how much I love you and I’m so thankful and grateful we stay in touch and I will always miss you telling me I U big Sis