I Wish I told you how much I loved you, I wish we could do more stuff together than hanging out at your apartment or watching series, I wish I said yes more often to playing computer games together rather than No, I Wish I knew what you were thinking and how you were feeling before you hanged yourself, I Wish you felt that you could speak to me about how you were feeling and let me help you. Dear Jonas my brother, I wish you never did it.
Today is Father’s Day and two months since you took your life. You were a good dad to your daughter and I wish I had told you that when you were alive. I wish I had called you on Father’s Day to wish you Happy Father’s Day. I read one of your journals and I know during your struggles, that you would write over and over that you have to be a good dad. I know you didn’t want to fail there and that you loved her and she was so important to you. She loves you and misses you too. I found a text message she sent you after you passed on your phone that she missed you. You were a good dad, a good son, a good brother, a good coach and a good man. I wish I had told you all of that over and over again and I wish you had believed it and knew it too. I wish you were here. I love and miss you so much!
Everyday I hurt for you. It’s only been two weeks…..My emotions are all over the map….sadness and grief, anger, guilt, disappointment, relief….but always love, regardless of the past.
I am sad that you never lived…you never experienced happiness and all the good things that life had to offer as an adult–love, travel, kids, a warm loving home, a career, a new car, pedicures, holidays, family. I am sad that you were alone. I am angry that whenever anyone, including mom and I, tried to help, you pretty much spit in our faces and chose to do the wrong things in life. I am angry that you chose the drugs and lied to us over and over again. I am angry that you hurt mom and me all over again….. I am guilty because I wonder what I could have done differently. Maybe I should have kept you here with us, but I couldn’t….. I set you up in apartment that was the nicest thing that you ever had in your life! I furnished it! All you had to do was show up and live. I am guilty because I was angry with you leading up to your death, even when I was helping you. Could I have been kinder? I am guilty because I should have hugged you that last day. I wanted to, but you had a bad cold. I didn’t want to get sick…but I should have hugged you. I still can hear you telling me you loved me. I am guilty because I got that apartment for you. Did I send you to your death???? I ask myself that every single day, even when you told me that you were going to be ok. I am disappointed because I wanted to help you and give you the things that you didn’t have. I am relieved that you aren’t under the influence of those damned drugs. I hate what they did to you. You aren’t hurting anymore. You aren’t sad anymore. I am relieved that I don’t have to worry about you anymore–and that makes me even more guilty! You said this world had nothing for you. I beg to differ….all you had to do was allow me to help you.
But in the end, I love you…no matter how hurt and angry I am, I love you. You were my sister…..although we were both so different, I love you. I hated the shell of a person you became because of the drugs. That was not you. I know you loved mom, me, my sons…..but life was too much and you were tired.
I hope you have found the peace that you needed. I hope that you are once again whole in body, mind and spirit.
I love you, my big sister. Until we meet again…..
–your little sister, Kristi Lynn
There are so many things I wish I could’ve told you before you went. Over the past two weeks, I’ve been going through the cycle of being angry, feeling hopeless, and depressed. I see our family falling apart since you’ve been gone. I’ve been mad because of how you did it, there was no thought put in to it, just a drugged pull of a trigger. I’ve been mad because you left behind your four year old daughter. You left her motherless, just like you had been for most of your life. I don’t think it’s what you wanted, in fact I know that’s not what you wanted, and I’m sad because I know it happened because you were scared. You felt so alone in that single moment.
We all have survivors guilt over here in a sense. Dad’s blaming himself for not locking the doors to the house. I’m blaming myself for not calling to tell you Happy Mother’s Day earlier that morning. I thought to myself “I’ll call her tonight”, completely taking for granted your timing here on earth.
Telling your daughter, my niece, that day that mommy was in heaven was the hardest day of my life.
I’m thankful I didn’t go in to the room and say goodbye to you. I didn’t want my last memory of you to be that. I’ll hold on to the last memory of you eating chicken fingers on the porch and your daughter flying her kite as we talked about life and the little things.
Katey my world has been flipped upside down since you’ve been gone. I hear your daughter talk day and night about how she loved her mommy, and the little things mommy used to do. I hold her so much closer and pray she never feels the way you did in that moment. I pray when she’s older and finds out what really happened to mommy that she never doubts your love for her. Katey, I just wish I could hug you or simply hear you call my name from downstairs one more time.
I’m trying to be strong for everyone else, but it leaves me alone at night with no one to be strong for me.
This letter to you is all over the place and I have a thousand more things to say, but for now this will do. I’ll continue to take care of your little girl and never let her forget you Katey. You are forever so loved.
I’ve rewritten this letter countless times, in my head, in blogs, and now here where I’ll hopefully finish. I miss you. TJ misses you. I’m sure your girls do too, they loved their mommy so much. I don’t see them anymore. Since you left us, everything has fallen apart.
Mom is 20 hours away and can’t focus on anyone but herself. My dad is practically a drunk now. TJ is so full of guilt that I’m not sure if he’s going to make it. Adam took the girls and we haven’t heard from them since.
I’m sorry I was never there, I’m sorry I didn’t go to Ulta with you or to get pedicures. I’m sorry I never kept in touch after I moved, I’m sorry I missed your last birthday so I could go to a football game. I’m sorry for not being a sister to you. I’m sorry for not being more patient.
Why did you leave? Why did you overdose? Why couldn’t you have gone somewhere for help instead?
I have so much to say to you Tasha, I just want to hear your voice and tell you how sorry I am. I want to tell you how proud I am about how well you were doing before all of this. It’s already been over a year but all the pain is still inside me, and it won’t go away. I need to talk to you. I need to hear you.
I love you Tash,
Why did you leave me, why did you take your life? I wish you could have told me your intentions. I miss you so much. Why did you leave tour daughter, you loved her so much but you left her. You were supposed to have not killed yourself, i need my sister and my friend. I have no one to talk to, a lot is happening in my life but one good thing is that I now have a baby girl and i wish you have met her. Please help me to understand and stop crying, its now 7years but it still hurts so much. How do i accept you are gone forever?
I miss you dear sister
Its a year to the day that you decided you could no longer cope with being. I want to let you that i have never nor ever will judge your choice.
I just hope you know just how many people love and miss you. There’s not a day I don’t miss you. I can’t count how many times I’ve wanted to share silly little things with you. How many times I’ve needed you. Wondered what you would have thought about things.
I hope you are at peace now and are watching and guiding us all. Love you and I know we’ll meet again.xxx
My first thoughts in the morning are of you. My last ones are of you before I go to bed. Mom and Dad are not doing very well. It’s coming up on two years and I still cannot believe this happened. This has been more than we can bear. Never saw this coming. My missed chance to speak to you the night before will haunt me forever.
You should be alive. Why did u do it? U could of retired early and gotten acdivorce
Two years today we had your funeral ez. I know you were there then and you’re here now. The ice cream van was a nice touch today. I swear all the signs you send me keep me going. I can’t say that the void feels any less than the day we buried you, but I’d like to think I’m much more focused on self preservation and care now, much more aware of the present and understanding of the paths we must lead – You sweetened me up with the ice cream so I might be talking s***. I miss you, not a day goes by without me thinking of your smile. You send stale jokes into my head whenever I’m having a hard moment in my daily life – when I remember you’re not here anymore. In those moments I truly feel my loss of you. I wish I could talk to you about my plans, my aspirations, my love life, things that are going on in the world, how beautiful the cherry tree looks or show you a band I’m into. I know you’re here, but it’s hard because I miss your voice, your jokes, your laugh, your mind, your opinion. I hope everyday that you come into my dreams. I just want to hug you and tell you we miss you. It still doesn’t feel real that it’s been two years. It doesn’t seem possible; the longest time we ever went without seeing each other was under two months. I can’t believe over two years have passed without seeing you. I hope you see the woman I’m becoming, I hope you understand I’m not just doing it for myself, I’m doing it for you. In memory of you, my beautiful big brother. Love you best in the world, beyond this world and into the next lifetime, e
I miss you so much more than any word could ever describe. When you were alive you were my best friend. You were always there for me and always put up with me. I miss us texting each other “yo” or “yo wanna jump” when we wanted to go out onto the trampoline, and when i would run into your room and jump on your bed and say “Can I play GTA” as fast as I could for some reason. Or when we would go onto the trail and look for a place to make a cool fort. Or when you taught me how to do cool tricks on the trampoline. I wish you could come back more than anything. If I could only have one wish in the entire world, it would be to bring you back. I know you don’t want to live but you could get help. You could get your life together again and get a job and we could start that dog business you always wanted to start. I just want you back. I know I didn’t say this that much when you were alive, but I love you. More than anything else in the world. I never thought I would go through this much pain at just 13 years old. I never thought I would have to go to my own brother’s funeral so early on in life and see him… dead. The pain I endure is unbearable. I see a therapist now and she makes thing a bit better but I will forever have a broken heart. There will always be an empty space in my heart where you should be. There is not a single day that has past where I have ‘t thought about you. I just want to see you one more time, hug you one more time, say I love you one more time. If only I could just see you one last time so i could at least say goodbye. Even if it was just for a minute. I also have so many questions for you. Like: Why did you do it on the fourth of July? Why dodn’t you write a note explaining exactly why you did it? Or did you write one? If you did, did it get lost? Why were you listening to Faded by Zhu when you did it? Why did you do it where you did it? Are you in Heaven, or Hell? Will I ever see you again? I want the answers so bad but I know I will never get them because you are gone. Most days these days I just feel numb. I almost can’t even comprehend how much I miss you and I feel fine because I am numb so much. Though once every little bit it will all come rushing back and I can’t do anything but cry. I feel so much guilt. I am sorry for what I did. You told me that you attenpted suicide and wanted to commit and when mom and dad came home you asked if I was going to tell Dad and I shook my head no, walked upstairs to my room, and cried. God I wish I could at least just go back to that day and not have said no. I wish I could fix that mistake and instead ran outside to the car and told them everything. Instead I was a coward and said nothing. I am just a depressed little piece of shit. I don’t deserve a brother like you anyway. I feel so bad for what I did. Or didn’t do really. I truly am deeply sorry. Around the time you did it, I had a dream that you were in your room at the end of your room. I remember you laying on the ground, dead. You had killed yourself with a gun which is how you did it in real life. To this day I ponder and ponder how I could have dreamt a dream like that at such a convenient time. I just wish you would have gave life one more chance. Life is so hard without you. I could always go to you to complain about our “insane” family because you were the only one who understood me but now I can’t. The whole family is just completely falling about and we are always at each others throats anymore without you. You have to come back we need you. Michelle and James moved in to our house and life is more stressful than ever. I am extremely upset because they took your room which was supposed to be my place to smell your ever so distinct smell and think and talk to you. Now it’s gone and now it is their room with their smell that I can never go into. The kids are very stressful and they don’t do a good job of watching them and my whole life is upside down between you and them. I got diagnosed with an Adjustment Disorder and Uncomplicated Bereavement and it’s tough. My birthday is coming up soon. Just a couple of weeks. You aren’t going to be there, though. I won’t ever be able to escape my birthday parties and just go down stairs and play “Rome” with you instead, or any party. The Fourth of July will forever be ruined for me and I can’t stand the sound of Fireworks now because I just think and invision you standing by the side of the road on the sidewalk shooting yourself. It’s terrible. One day I will graduate and go to college, you won’t be there for me then either. One day I will go and meet the love of my life then get married, you won’t be there for me then either. One day I will move into my first apartment then someday my first house. You won’t be able to be there to celebrate with me though. One day I will have kids, but they will never be able to meet their amazing uncle and you will never be able to help me raise them. I just miss you so, so much. I want to be with you but I can’t leave the family too. Mom cries almost every single night now and constantly says shes wants to be with you. I hear her sobs every night. She misses you a ton like everyone else. She also feels guilty for seperating you from Abby. She feels terrible. Michelle had another baby. His name is Oliver Rue Santos and by God he is by far the most perfect and cutest baby I have ever seen in my life. It’s just way too bad he will never meet you. Michael and Brittni got a new house. It’s in Terrace Park and it is so big. There’s also some woods and a creek behind it. I know you and I would both love to go their when we visit them and explore and have fun. They also had baby twins. One is a baby boy names George Joseph O’Connor, the other is a girl. Her name is Harper June O’Connor. They were born a couple months too early, though, and might possibly die. If they do, please take care of them if you are in Heaven. They are the sweetest little things. Anyways, I love you so, SO much and miss you. I hope when I eventually die I will be able to reunite with you, my dear brother.