Welcome to the Sibling Survivors Site!

The Sibling Survivors of Suicide Loss site aims to provide a safe place for anyone who has lost a sister or brother to suicide. It’s a place to share memories, discuss your feelings and experiences, and to share photos. It’s a place to connect with others who also miss their sister or brother.

The site was created in 2001 by Michelle Linn Gust. She passed the site on to the POS-FFOS Internet Community in November of 2014. It officially re-opened on January 4, 2015.

We invite you to explore the site and participate. We need you; help us make this site a safe and supportive place for other sibling survivors. You can participate by Creating a  Guest Post, sharing an Inspirational Thought or Message, or Writing a Letter to your Sibling. Please see those pages for more information.

Sibling Survivors is maintained by volunteers from the Parents of Suicides (POS) and Friends and Families of Suicides (FFOS) Internet Community and others. Learn more about these groups on the About Us page.

The Day That Will Change Me Forever

Today is the day I lost my only brother. How did I not know that you were hurting so deeply? What could I have done differently? This morning was the morning you decided to end your pain forever. I wish I could have helped you find a different way to make the hurt disappear. Today is the day that a piece of me, a piece that grew with me for 38 years, is gone forever.

Thank you for your last words

Hey Christian. I’m sorry for everything you were suffering toward the end. But the past 4 years especially. I wish I had been there for you more. Called more. Been physically present with you more. I want you to know I’m not angry with you. I know if you made this choice it was your final resort. Just know that I will love you forever and always. You are my brother for life. I hope to see you again. Thank you for the video you left for all of us. You left us with an incredible gift of knowing that you knew you were loved by us and that you loved us too. Thank you for that. I love you, sweet Christian.

Dear Daniel

It’s been so long, buddy, a full year and a half without you. I still am in a denial I think I never really will be able to comprehend why and why that night. I wish so badly that we can unlock your phone still and I am a little mad you left without saying goodbye, you had no note with you. This brings me back to my denial I can’t accept that you are gone buddy I think everything I’ve done so far even made it seem ok by saying if I do it I’m doing it for you like nursing school hopefully I finish this year or like one day opening up Daniels Health, maybe these just make me feel better but I hope you’re proud. I know you are in peace and I hope that heaven is truly the happiest place on earth. I still cry every day sometimes more than once but there are always times when I am with the rest of the siblings and everything is ok I know you are with us when were all together. Things have gotten crazier in a way that inflation has begun like crazy, I think it is ok since hopefully ill be rich soon, I just wish you could’ve seen all what the future will hold and what will change I wish you can come and hug me again like the time I gave you your LV wallet if I had known that would be the last gift I would buy you the world buddy. I hate myself so much for not knowing better I don’t think I will ever forgive myself for our little arguments and the times I put friends before you but I hope you know everything I do is for you I miss you more than anything and if I could I would go back in a heartbeat. I’m going to be 21 soon which is exciting but so scary since you were only 21 when you left this earth buddy. I know you are two years older than me but in some aspects, I felt as though I was your older sister and I failed you and I am so sorry. I will continue working on myself and give Laib, Yusa, and Marii the life your would’ve wanted. I hope heaven is a breath of fresh air for you and I hope your experience endless amounts of happiness love you so much, buddy.

Birthday Depression- Another year without you

Today is my 29th Birthday and the survivor’s guilt is consuming me. I lost my little brother to severe paranoid schizophrenia and suicide on January 27th, 2020, just 3 days before his 25th Birthday. All of the holidays have been extremely difficult, but the month of January is the most painful for me. My brother and I were polar opposites, he was so lawfully good that he never so much as received a parking citation in his short life and would literally give the shirt off of his own back to someone in need. He was an Eagle Scout, and volunteered a lot of his time towards the betterment of our community. He was so kind, compassionate, and caring. I often think that he was too good for this world. On the other end of the spectrum, there’s me- a recovering heroin addict that wasted my life as a young adult as my addiction consumed me and caused my loved one’s inexplicable suffering, especially my mother and little brother. I was living a life of overindulgence, filled with my own self-created hedonism and debauchery and chose vice over virtue many times. My brother was my moral compass and supported me unconditionally, he never gave up on me. We were only one year apart and he was my best friend and confidant. I have my own share of mental illnesses- major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, insomnia, a history of substance abuse, and PTSD. I can’t help but to think that I should’ve been the one to develop schizophrenia and take my own life, not my brother. Why do the good always die so young?
Why should I get to live another year on this earth instead of my brother? If I could have taken his place I would have in a heartbeat. I should have noticed the warning signs and saved him. The reality is that no matter what I could’ve changed the outcome would have still been the same. There is a strong correlation between schizophrenia and suicide, the voices inside of my brother’s head were like a choir from Hell dragging him down to his own Dante-esque levels of purgatory.
These are all of the would’ve, could’ve, should’ve and what if’s that accompany complicated bereavement and survivor’s guilt. I know they are irrational and that I shouldn’t blame myself for his death. There will always be a part of me that feels like I failed him though.
I know my brother wouldn’t want me to feel this way on my own birthday. All he ever wanted for me was to be sober and happy. In a really screwed up way, his death saved me from myself. As soon as I found out he left this mortal realm all of my cravings for opiates and self-destruction completely vanished from my mind and soul. I give myself permission to grieve today but will not let it consume me. Writing this has been so cathartic. I will salvage the rest of today and focus on the positive aspects of my life. I know that part of my brother’s spirit will always remain within me, and that he is watching over me. I will continue to stay sober, cherish all of the precious memories I was fortunate enough to experience with my brother and never let go of the hope and faith inside of my heart. Time does not heal all wounds necessarily, grief is a nonlinear process. I have learned to take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, and second by second. I have found acceptance in my brother’s decision to take his own life, because I know he is finally at peace. I owe it to him and myself to cultivate my own inner peace, love, and happiness. Perspective is key.

KK

You were 26 when you took your life.
You would’ve been 30 in January.
I’ll be turning 26 in April.
We’ll be the same age.
And then, I’ll grow older.
And older and older.
And you’ll stay the same age.

Our mother was not a nice person. You personally saved my life several times from her.
And I never got to tell you, “Thank you”.
I ran away from home and it took me nearly a decade of searching to find you again.
We chatted and you said you would call me the next day.
You never did.
Instead you made the choice to end your suffering.

And I feel like the villain. If it meant bringing you back to a life of mental pain, I would make that choice if it meant I wouldn’t have to live in pain. It’s a selfish feeling. And I embrace that selfishness.

And the anger.

I’m angry you made that choice, as if I didn’t want to make that choice dozens of times. But I didn’t. I stuck to life out of pure spite, and I’m glad I did. I got help…
And how do I even finish that thought?
I wish you sucked it up and suffered as I did?
I wish you got help?
I’m glad you’re not in pain?

That’s the hard thing about suicide.
I know it’s not socially acceptable to say it’s “selfish”, but it is all the way around. Forget me, what about our other brothers and sisters? You had a daughter who’ll never know her father. You were newly engaged to someone who loved you more than life itself.

And then the selfishness circles back around. How could I want you to live in pain? To live through the heartache and mental pain of life? You were hurting, how could I ask you to continue in that?

But I would’ve, if you would’ve asked.
Because I’m selfish.
And I miss my brother.