Welcome to the Sibling Survivors Site!

The Sibling Survivors of Suicide Loss site aims to provide a safe place for anyone who has lost a sister or brother to suicide. It’s a place to share memories, discuss your feelings and experiences, and to share photos. It’s a place to connect with others who also miss their sister or brother.

The site was created in 2001 by Michelle Linn Gust. She passed the site on to the POS-FFOS Internet Community in November of 2014. It officially re-opened on January 4, 2015.

We invite you to explore the site and participate. We need you; help us make this site a safe and supportive place for other sibling survivors. You can participate by Creating a  Guest Post, sharing an Inspirational Thought or Message, or Writing a Letter to your Sibling. Please see those pages for more information.

Sibling Survivors is maintained by volunteers from the Parents of Suicides (POS) and Friends and Families of Suicides (FFOS) Internet Community and others. Learn more about these groups on the About Us page.

Hey Chaos

I’m thinking of you…. Ha what’s new? I hate it here without you, but you know that. Yesterday was 11 months since you’ve been gone… hard to imagine… & I’m supposed to carry on how many more years without you? Sheeeeeeeesh. Lame Af. 10/27/21 seems like just yesterday. What a awful day. I can’t believe you left us. You took part of me with you. I’m not myself… I’ve been achieving so much, and making your story and name known; but I’m still not me. I’m giving my life away to have yours live on. Being distracted by this fight for better resources keeps me busy.. until I’m here, left in the silence of my room moping and crying over you. I don’t have anyone to call who gets me like you did…. All the things. I wish you were here. Forever going through pictures of you, repeated voicemails. What’d I’d do to have you on the line again…. I’d never hang up.
Life sucks with you.
Your lil sis,
Xoxo cmF

I just lost my older brother

On the 26th of August I went to tour the University of South Carolina for graduate school but, little did I know the next day would be the last day I would see my older brother alive. My brother Sean took his life 3 days later. Between me and our parents I was the last one to see him alive. The last time our mom had seen him was in May of this year for our cousins (our moms nephew) high school graduation. Our dad saw him last Christmas and has talked to him on the regular since other than the day he took his life (From my knowledge). His funeral was the 6th of this month and it has been 3 weeks since then.

To Troy

It’s been a month since you left. I hate this. It’s been hell. The worst part has been telling my son. Having to explain to a 5 year old who idolized you that you are gone at the young age of 27 has been brutal. He misses you dearly and I will never forgive you for this. We both have lost our best friend. I will keep living life for the both of us. I’ve decided that. I’ll adapt your ways to mine. Your strength, bravery, kindness. I’ll make them mine. Your cat Lucille is safe with me. You joined that infamous 27 club that musicians whisper of and I’m still here, raising hell for the both of us. Your birthday is on the first of October. That’s going to be hard. Miss you, hate you, love you.-Sav

Dear Chaos

Will I ever forgive you? I look at pictures of you and the gapping hole in my stomach begins to grow. The feeling of guilt, anger and sorrow consume me. Your really gone….. Every-time I think of you that thought crosses my mind. Like I haven’t screamed and cried and begged for you to come back to me a million times…. I can stare at your face all day… listening to your favorite songs, singing them aloud like we use to; but these days my voice is shaking, face filled with tears and snot. I miss you. Remember when you use to BLOW my phone up…not with 3 missed calls or 4 or 5.. there would be 7 or 8 at a time.. with voicemails and texts. I saved your voicemails; I listen to them often. I stalk your Instagram like a psycho EX…. I hate you for leaving me here… I really do. This s*** is f**** up……….. I hate how much you loved me when you were here, it makes it harder. Your absence is a ache that can’t be reached or healed. You knew I’d feel this feeling, and that’s why I’m so mad! You knew I’d be heartbroken and numb. You f**** knew it. I f**** miss you brother. I miss you so f**** much. I hate it here without you… I truly do.
You saved my life by taking yours.
But saving mine only kept me here. No exit plan like you did yous… I don’t have that option, it’s out the door. I’m stuck here now, to feel this pain, and make a change. To fight for basic human rights and make sure no one suffers the way you did bro. I’m putting in work, all day; all night. In your name, in your honor.
Peace from Chaos… I’ll keep your memory alive as long as there is still ground to walk on.
F*** You.
I love you.
You f**** Selfish A**hole!
Life ain’t been no crystal ball til now………
Xoxo Your baby sister & Best Friend.
Secnarf Uomac.

Emil, I miss you

Two years have passed since you took your life. It is hard to describe how time has passed since it feels like an eternity and one moment simultaneously. It has been so painful to exist without you, but I have done it, as you would have liked me too. You are always in my thoughts and my heart. You live on with me, I feel it. Life is so concrete and abstract at the same time. Your time on earth as a living human has passed, but you live on in your loved ones as real as before. To all others who have a sibling that has passed away from suicide recently, I can only say that it gets easier. You learn to manage sorrow and grief. It does not make you miss your sibling any less, but it becomes a natural part of your life that you somehow learn to manage. Otherwise would be unbearable. Emil, brother, I miss you. I miss you every second of every day, and my heart aches for you. I love you dearly.

Complicated twin grief

I lost my twin brother to suicide on 8/4/22. I am devastated, lost, confused and at peace all at once. He struggled with mental illness since we were 13, and lost his battle at the age of 44. I am at peace that he is finally free of the torture he lived with in his mind every day. His mental illness divided us and tore us apart. He could be loving and caring one minute and mean and vengeful the next. I was usually his target and as he saw it, I was “the perfect one” (oh if he only knew how imperfect my life has been). He started using drugs in our 20’s (which we did not know about at the time) and became verbally abusive and manipulative. He was the same with my parents who eventually started the process of getting a restraining order against him. In the midst of that he suddenly moved out of state…..I have not talked to him since….for over 15 years. I decided that I needed to work on building myself up and could not do that while he was tearing me down. My mom was afraid of him and my dad was angry. I often kept tabs on him through friends or a occasional browse through his social media. I thought of him often and wondered how he was. I could never really tell because he often hid behind a smile. I have since adopted two children with special needs and wished they could have an uncle, but knew on his bad days or weeks that they would become his target, and I could not let that happen. I could not let him do to them what he did to me.
I’m finding out now that my parents have had email contact with him for the past several years which followed the same path as the relationship in the past- good until it wasn’t, then he became angry and mean. Time would go on and he would reach out again until he got upset, and the cycle continued. I’m upset that my parents didn’t tell me they were talking and that he had been accomplishing such wonderful things between his episodes. I’m upset that he reached out to them and didn’t attempt to reach out to me. We never had that “twin bond” that others expect twins to have. We were close as children but as his mental health took over and he refused to seek treatment we grew farther apart in my attempts to shelter from the storm and chaos.
Now he is gone! I don’t carry any guilt but I carry a tremendous amount of regret. I do not believe that I, nor anyone else could have stopped him. Per the investigator he had been meticulously planning this for a long time and had every detail covered. He left my parents, his friend and the mother of his son a note. I have nothing. I wish I had something saying “I know you didn’t do anything, I know you never wronged me. I’m sorry for blaming you and taking it all out on you. I thought about you and wondered how you were doing from time to time. I really do love you”. But, even in his tragic death I didn’t exist to him.
We didn’t talk for 15 years and yet there is an unimaginable hole in my heart and soul. For 15 years he was not in my life, now he is gone and I cannot imagine my life without him. I’m mourning the loss of our relationship 15 years ago, the twin relationship we never had, the fences and hearts that will never be mended. I’m confused about how I can feel such intense pain and loss when he has already been lost for the past 15 years. Perhaps because there was always the chance that he would get better and we would be close again. When he was himself, he was brilliant, creative, thoughtful, opinionated and stubborn.
My parents have offered to have some of his ashes placed in a blown glass memory stone for me. While I would love this, I struggle with the question as to whether or not he would even want me to have them. I struggle with whether or not I deserve them after not talking to him for 15 years. I struggle with more than I anticipated I would. Grief is complicated, but I never imagined just how complicated it could be in these circumstances.

2 hrs 20 minutes away from 24 hours

It was the moment I was told…MY 60 yo BROTHER ANDY was dead. I’m 59 & in Elementary Education and this is one the outcome of children and adults abused, sexually, physically and mentally tortured, neglected… I’m still in my closet and sitting here like a thing. I’m filled with guilt that I didn’t go more from him. I am sure he felt unloved by me because I didn’t visit him. I needed to distance myself. I’m smothered with darkness trying to convince me that I could have saved him by SHOWING my brother I loved him more. He had no self-esteem & our relationship was – I guess the word is estranged. and I caught myself guarding my heart which kept me from going to see him. He was 40 minutes, no car, he was a kind kind deeply kind soul. Oh my heart hurts. It hurt me to see him and his lifestyle. I wish I could go get him today and spend time with him. Drunk, high or what ever condition he was in. He suffered such PTSD that he could not escape a day. I deeply regret not taking him to the grocery store weekly. I’ll live with this regret now of not accepting him like he was and going to see him in what ever condition he was in. The moment the great sadness began 8-22-2022 2:20pm. I want to join this group and any group to get through this. God saves. Love always is around.

To my dear sister

Dear sister,
It’s been six years next month since you passed. I have missed you every day since. I would give anything to go back and somehow know how in despair you were feeling and prevented you from taking your life. We could have talked it out and the feeling would pass.
I loved you when you were a kid and I love you just as much now. You were wonderful, generous to a fault, kind, wonderful mother and aunt. We love you and miss you.
Love always,