Welcome to the Sibling Survivors Site!

The Sibling Survivors of Suicide Loss site aims to provide a safe place for anyone who has lost a sister or brother to suicide. It’s a place to share memories, discuss your feelings and experiences, and to share photos. It’s a place to connect with others who also miss their sister or brother.

The site was created in 2001 by Michelle Linn Gust. She passed the site on to the POS-FFOS Internet Community in November of 2014. It officially re-opened on January 4, 2015.

We invite you to explore the site and participate. We need you; help us make this site a safe and supportive place for other sibling survivors. You can participate by Creating a  Guest Post, sharing an Inspirational Thought or Message, or Writing a Letter to your Sibling. Please see those pages for more information.

Sibling Survivors is maintained by volunteers from the Parents of Suicides (POS) and Friends and Families of Suicides (FFOS) Internet Community and others. Learn more about these groups on the About Us page.

Dear Chaos

Nevets…..
Will I ever forgive you? I look at pictures of you and the gapping hole in my stomach begins to grow. The feeling of guilt, anger and sorrow consume me. Your really gone….. Every-time I think of you that thought crosses my mind. Like I haven’t screamed and cried and begged for you to come back to me a million times…. I can stare at your face all day… listening to your favorite songs, singing them aloud like we use to; but these days my voice is shaking, face filled with tears and snot. I miss you. Remember when you use to BLOW my phone up…not with 3 missed calls or 4 or 5.. there would be 7 or 8 at a time.. with voicemails and texts. I saved your voicemails; I listen to them often. I stalk your Instagram like a psycho EX…. I hate you for leaving me here… I really do. This s*** is f**** up……….. I hate how much you loved me when you were here, it makes it harder. Your absence is a ache that can’t be reached or healed. You knew I’d feel this feeling, and that’s why I’m so mad! You knew I’d be heartbroken and numb. You f**** knew it. I f**** miss you brother. I miss you so f**** much. I hate it here without you… I truly do.
You saved my life by taking yours.
But saving mine only kept me here. No exit plan like you did yous… I don’t have that option, it’s out the door. I’m stuck here now, to feel this pain, and make a change. To fight for basic human rights and make sure no one suffers the way you did bro. I’m putting in work, all day; all night. In your name, in your honor.
Peace from Chaos… I’ll keep your memory alive as long as there is still ground to walk on.
F*** You.
I love you.
You f**** Selfish A**hole!
#PeaceFromChaos.
Life ain’t been no crystal ball til now………
Xoxo Your baby sister & Best Friend.
Secnarf Uomac.

Emil, I miss you

Two years have passed since you took your life. It is hard to describe how time has passed since it feels like an eternity and one moment simultaneously. It has been so painful to exist without you, but I have done it, as you would have liked me too. You are always in my thoughts and my heart. You live on with me, I feel it. Life is so concrete and abstract at the same time. Your time on earth as a living human has passed, but you live on in your loved ones as real as before. To all others who have a sibling that has passed away from suicide recently, I can only say that it gets easier. You learn to manage sorrow and grief. It does not make you miss your sibling any less, but it becomes a natural part of your life that you somehow learn to manage. Otherwise would be unbearable. Emil, brother, I miss you. I miss you every second of every day, and my heart aches for you. I love you dearly.

Complicated twin grief

I lost my twin brother to suicide on 8/4/22. I am devastated, lost, confused and at peace all at once. He struggled with mental illness since we were 13, and lost his battle at the age of 44. I am at peace that he is finally free of the torture he lived with in his mind every day. His mental illness divided us and tore us apart. He could be loving and caring one minute and mean and vengeful the next. I was usually his target and as he saw it, I was “the perfect one” (oh if he only knew how imperfect my life has been). He started using drugs in our 20’s (which we did not know about at the time) and became verbally abusive and manipulative. He was the same with my parents who eventually started the process of getting a restraining order against him. In the midst of that he suddenly moved out of state…..I have not talked to him since….for over 15 years. I decided that I needed to work on building myself up and could not do that while he was tearing me down. My mom was afraid of him and my dad was angry. I often kept tabs on him through friends or a occasional browse through his social media. I thought of him often and wondered how he was. I could never really tell because he often hid behind a smile. I have since adopted two children with special needs and wished they could have an uncle, but knew on his bad days or weeks that they would become his target, and I could not let that happen. I could not let him do to them what he did to me.
I’m finding out now that my parents have had email contact with him for the past several years which followed the same path as the relationship in the past- good until it wasn’t, then he became angry and mean. Time would go on and he would reach out again until he got upset, and the cycle continued. I’m upset that my parents didn’t tell me they were talking and that he had been accomplishing such wonderful things between his episodes. I’m upset that he reached out to them and didn’t attempt to reach out to me. We never had that “twin bond” that others expect twins to have. We were close as children but as his mental health took over and he refused to seek treatment we grew farther apart in my attempts to shelter from the storm and chaos.
Now he is gone! I don’t carry any guilt but I carry a tremendous amount of regret. I do not believe that I, nor anyone else could have stopped him. Per the investigator he had been meticulously planning this for a long time and had every detail covered. He left my parents, his friend and the mother of his son a note. I have nothing. I wish I had something saying “I know you didn’t do anything, I know you never wronged me. I’m sorry for blaming you and taking it all out on you. I thought about you and wondered how you were doing from time to time. I really do love you”. But, even in his tragic death I didn’t exist to him.
We didn’t talk for 15 years and yet there is an unimaginable hole in my heart and soul. For 15 years he was not in my life, now he is gone and I cannot imagine my life without him. I’m mourning the loss of our relationship 15 years ago, the twin relationship we never had, the fences and hearts that will never be mended. I’m confused about how I can feel such intense pain and loss when he has already been lost for the past 15 years. Perhaps because there was always the chance that he would get better and we would be close again. When he was himself, he was brilliant, creative, thoughtful, opinionated and stubborn.
My parents have offered to have some of his ashes placed in a blown glass memory stone for me. While I would love this, I struggle with the question as to whether or not he would even want me to have them. I struggle with whether or not I deserve them after not talking to him for 15 years. I struggle with more than I anticipated I would. Grief is complicated, but I never imagined just how complicated it could be in these circumstances.

2 hrs 20 minutes away from 24 hours

It was the moment I was told…MY 60 yo BROTHER ANDY was dead. I’m 59 & in Elementary Education and this is one the outcome of children and adults abused, sexually, physically and mentally tortured, neglected… I’m still in my closet and sitting here like a thing. I’m filled with guilt that I didn’t go more from him. I am sure he felt unloved by me because I didn’t visit him. I needed to distance myself. I’m smothered with darkness trying to convince me that I could have saved him by SHOWING my brother I loved him more. He had no self-esteem & our relationship was – I guess the word is estranged. and I caught myself guarding my heart which kept me from going to see him. He was 40 minutes, no car, he was a kind kind deeply kind soul. Oh my heart hurts. It hurt me to see him and his lifestyle. I wish I could go get him today and spend time with him. Drunk, high or what ever condition he was in. He suffered such PTSD that he could not escape a day. I deeply regret not taking him to the grocery store weekly. I’ll live with this regret now of not accepting him like he was and going to see him in what ever condition he was in. The moment the great sadness began 8-22-2022 2:20pm. I want to join this group and any group to get through this. God saves. Love always is around.

To my dear sister

Dear sister,
It’s been six years next month since you passed. I have missed you every day since. I would give anything to go back and somehow know how in despair you were feeling and prevented you from taking your life. We could have talked it out and the feeling would pass.
I loved you when you were a kid and I love you just as much now. You were wonderful, generous to a fault, kind, wonderful mother and aunt. We love you and miss you.
Love always,
Jane

To Travis

Dear Travis,
This letter is one that I should have written along time ago. I have blamed so much on you. I have let myself go down a dark and ugly road and put it all in your name. All because of a decision that you made all those years ago. It was just a split second for you, but I made it my whole life. Making it my whole atmosphere. It’s hard to see outside my own atmosphere. But I need to. I need to tell you how you have shaped my life and how I will always love you. I need to tell you that it is time for me to let go.
I feel you in my heart, but I also feel the emptiness you left there. That emptiness has led to the uglier shapes you have left in my life. The shapes of a knife’s jagged dull blade on my wrists and legs. Not to die but just for the relief the physical pain brought. The shapes of broken relationships from pushing people away in fear of losing them as I lost you. The shapes of countless empty beer bottles and cocaine baggies littering the coffee table displaying my efforts to run from your memory. From your soul.
You have also brought beautiful things to my life. Mostly in the more recent days. I realize my journey through the pain and self-destruction has rendered me a stronger person that cannot be swayed by the breeze of social rifts and minor squabbles. I know that if I can defeat the demons that I created for myself, I can defeat anything. I am capable of anything. With enough work, discipline, and focus on the better things in life, I will prevail. You taught me this. You taught me that the clenching around my throat, the stabbing pain in my stomach, the depression, the anxiety, it is all temporary. After it is done there is still a beautiful world to experience.
I wish I could show you the world. I wish you could see Italy like you always dreamed of. You would fit in so well with my friends there. I wish you knew what it was like to go for a run on the northern beaches of Sydney at sunrise or ski in the French Alps or go mountain biking in New Zealand. I guess the only thing I pray is that you are seeing these things. Seeing them through me. Feeling what I feel and taking it as your own because, brother, I know that I have felt those feelings of hopelessness and frustration as you did right before pulling that trigger. You just beat me to it and our parents can’t go through that twice. Dad just wouldn’t make it.
You have always been something bigger than me. Something I never gave myself permission to let go of. In the past I could never allow myself to put the same amount of energy into loving me as I have missing you. But now I know things need to change. You were so young to leave us, just a child really. Anchoring myself in the time that I lost you is only holding my development back though.
When I say I am letting go, I am saying goodbye. Not to your memory, but to using your memory as an excuse to not be my best self. To living in the clouded atmosphere of self-pity and doubt. I am not perfect and some of my social behaviors still need work due to living like this for the past 18 years but I will work on them. I will work on me. I will work on my heart so it is a better home for you.
Love,
Your little brother

My Inspiration

My big brother Darien easily influenced everything I am today. Being eleven years older than me, I worshipped the ground he walked on and wanted to be just like him. He introduced me to his interests, many of which are my own now too. I lost him the summer before my sophomore year in high school and I will now be entering my senior year. It is so strange to think he won’t see me walk across that stage next year. There are so many things I wish we got to talk about and sometimes when I watch a new anime or read a new manga, I want nothing more than to talk to him about it. I wish he could see the young woman I’m growing into and the things I have accomplished. Every single thing I do is in his honor because I know that I may not be able to talk to him now, but when I do I want to have so many great stories to tell him.

To Tristan Dylan Naidoo

My big brother… I can’t believe it’s been 5 years that you’re gone now. Still feels unreal to me. You were just 17 when you passed and now I’m 18 watching our little sister grow up. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of you. I miss you with every bit of my heart!! We were always the best of friends and up till now I still feel you in my heart. I wish things were different and God could have let you be with us, but everything happens for a reason. I wish I could of said my goodbyes or gotten one last hug…I wish you could of gotten to know my boyfriend and see how amazing our little sister is growing up to be. I wish I could of cherished those “family time” and “sibling time”. I want you to know that I love you, and I am so sorry for everything. You were the best thing that has ever happened to me. I will forever hold you in my heart FOREVER!!!
From your sister,
T.M.N