5 months ago today. I feel like I have so much to get off my chest but I can’t find the words. I keep beating myself up about our last few years together…. I knew we both had scars, but I never expected to get that call. You had so much to live for… just a couple weeks before you’d talked me out a funk with your typical irreverent and hilarious wit. So many memories that I share with only you…. they’re only mine now I guess. I always pictured us getting old together with rocking chairs and shot guns on a porch sipping sun tea in the morning and home brew in the evening telling stories to the grandchildren. Second hand lions style… I’m doing my best for mom and baby sis and kids. I hope it’s enough. I hope I’m making you proud little brother. I miss you like hell but I hope you’re at peace. I hope that money I left with you was enough to pay the ferryman.
It was my birthday and instead of a phone call wishing me happy birthday I got a phone call that you you were dead. I replay that day in my head constantly when I am alone yet try my best to forget it . Instead of eating birthday cake I cleaned up the mess that you made. My birthday is no longer my birthday but a reminder of you taking your own life, I don’t even know how old I am anymore because that birthday went black. I hate my birthday . The day of my birthday and three days before dad’s birthday, twenty one days before Christmas you took your life by a gun. I was so angry, upset and confused when it first happened I could not grasp my head as to WHY DID YOU DO THIS? WHY!! I knew that you were dealing with some demons but you seemed better. You were coming around more often, but then you did this. I’ve learned that I will never get the answer as to why you did this – why didn’t you wish me a happy birthday, why didn’t you just come over , why did you do this? So I’ve learned to accept it . But dad has gotten really bad. He’s turned to drinking and worse after grandma died. He is still blaming her for your suicide and he is still angry. He’s talked about suicide and I went into a spiral. Your mom tries to come with gifts signed by you, but no type of money will bring you back or make this okay. I miss you so much and I wish I could just get my one question answered. Please look over mom and dad… please please please. I can’t handle any more hurt or leaving. Please just do that for me. Keep them healthy and protected so I can have them here longer.
Dear J and S,
Your choices nearly killed me. Your children have suffered. I continue to explain your decisions. People are shocked that Mom and Dad raised two men-talented, established, wealthy, fathers, who left a legacy of suicide to our family. I am fighting the shame and embarrassment of what you did every day. I have my daily suicide tears. My life is forever changed. I am not you, I am a lonely sister who now has to grow old without you. The grief goes on and on. I go back to our happy times together never imagining that you both would — yourselves. I am a compassionate, kind, beautiful, and creative mother; that is how I am determined to define myself. Your mental illness was not treated. I did my best to help you but you didn’t listen to anyone. You left a mess for me to clean up, just like my entire life in our family. Mom and Dad did everything for you to be successful. I can’t imagine how they feel knowing that their sons — themselves. I hope you have found peace. I have not and never will. Your children’s lives are really messed up too. Your loving sister, D
I miss you. if i had known you were going through something like that i would’ve done something to help. i know i was only 8 when you died but somehow i still feel like i want to cry thinking about how you died. we all miss you rara. zar, ava, your mum, my mum, your friends, everyone. i wish it was me instead.
It is killing me to write this letter. I know I have to because I need to do something to help me not go crazy. I am heartbroken. The little things it takes to do take 1,000,000 % of effort. Why? Why did you have to do this.? There was another way. We are a small family as it is. Now we’re smaller. The last time we talked I heard the pain in your voice. Why didn’t you just say Chris, I need you big brother. I would have been there. I feel like this is a sick joke. I’m never going to be the same again. I will never know what it feels like not to hurt. People can say it’s not my fault but it doesn’t help. I’m angry, sad, distraught all at the same time. I have to be the man of our family ALONE NOW!!!!! THIS WAS NOT HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE!!!!! OUR DAD IS SICK. OUR MOM WORKS AND IS TRYING TO PURSUE HER DREAM AS A NURSE! WE HAVE AN AUNT THAT ONLY HAS US!!!!! AND YOU LEAVE!!!!!!!! I feel terrible for feeling angry but I do. I know you were struggling. You must have been in a lot of pain. All you had to do was call. Why didn’t you just call? We could have got through this together. As a team. As brothers. Now it’s me. All I can think about is the good times. Those times bring me pain. I can’t look at your pictures. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to. I don’t know if I’ll ever be truly understood because of this situation. People say there is nothing I could have done..maybe that’s true. I just wished we could have talked. Maybe I could have gotten you help….I know as a kid you suffered from dyslexia. I hated that for you. I don’t know if kids made fun of you or not but I would have beat them up for you. God this hurts. Why are we allowed to feel this kind of pain? I know your will be done but I am in so much hurt it is almost unbearable. I was supposed to protect you. I feel like I failed you. How can I inspire so many others on YouTube but the one person I wanted to get through, I couldn’t. Nobody will ever know how that feels. I really don’t even want to talk because I’m just repeating myself and I know most people can’t understand. God is my strength but I am barely holding on. This is my new normal. I see why people get high and stay high. To feel numb. This pain is something different. This situation is unique. I don’t even really want to talk about it any more. I don’t know..I am just lost.
Im having constant images of him dying as I imagine and it’s the most disturbing images of my life. I couldn’t watch a horror movie the same way this week as I had the last. I could barely watch anything. I don’t blame him or think he’s weak or a coward. He will be my bright shining brother till I join him, wherever that may be.
To anyone suffering tonight as I am this is for you. I don’t like people much, truth be told. But this post isn’t for them. It’s for my now secret club of sibling suicide that I can’t believe I’m a part of. I feel like im being swallowed up in sadness. Now I walk this world more alone.
You should always end something with hope I guess. I guess that’s for others. We will be stronger than them.
Hi bubba, it’s your little sister. It’s so difficult to live without you when holidays are coming up and my 21st birthday. You won’t be here to get drunk with me and party for the first time. You won’t be here for Christmas or Halloween or thanksgiving bubba. You passed in Nov of 2017 and it’s been so hard. I’m missing you a lot tonight Brandon.
Sometimes I wish it was me instead of you. You were so loved B. I love you so much.