Querida hermanita;Two years ago, we were celebrating Amelia’s birth on Christmas Day. You seemed so happy! Even now, I wonder what went wrong. I know you didn’t want to die. You went to the hospital to get help. You had the crisis number next to your phone by the bed. What went wrong? My dear sister, I am so lost! So broken! I ache. Yes, I ache all the time. My heart aches My whole body aches. My mind aches. I have a difficult time celebrating New Year’s Eve anymore. I had a terrible sense of foreboding that NYE. I felt that someone had died or was going to die and Mike just told me to stop being dramatic, nothing bad was going to happen. I had no idea that it would be you, that I was actually feeling you leaving this earth. We were so connected that I felt you. And all I can say now is why why why? When will the crying stop? When will I be myself again? Will I ever? I am sorry for the things I said wrong, for the things I didn’t say right. I miss you. And I will always love you. With much love, con mucho amor, tu hermana.
37 years
Thirty-seven years ago tonight my life changed forever. I have posted here in the past, usually around this date and again in early February.
On this date 37 years ago my brother set himself on fire and lived for 43 days. Today they put you in a medically induced coma for such an event, but back then not so much.
It has gotten better for me across the years. It is still the worst thing that ever happened to me. But I do not have to will every breath I take. I don’t wake up crying from my nightmares.
I do know now my brother made a choice and it was not my fault. I know he did not wish us pain or harm. I believe he was exhausted from a life of too many secrets and maybe a bit too much alcohol. He shared himself for as long as he could.
Each of us here are on our own journey, but these pages keep us from being alone. Keep coming here. Seek help. Journal. Talk. Nurture yourself. Wrap up in a blanket on the couch. If that is all you can do, that is enough. You are more than enough.
We have each stood in the unfathomable moment of being told or finding the body. We have thought over and over, “I cannot survive this.”
I am here to say breathe. Keep breathing. Keep coming back here.
On this date 37 years ago my brother set himself on fire and lived for 43 days. Today they put you in a medically induced coma for such an event, but back then not so much.
It has gotten better for me across the years. It is still the worst thing that ever happened to me. But I do not have to will every breath I take. I don’t wake up crying from my nightmares.
I do know now my brother made a choice and it was not my fault. I know he did not wish us pain or harm. I believe he was exhausted from a life of too many secrets and maybe a bit too much alcohol. He shared himself for as long as he could.
Each of us here are on our own journey, but these pages keep us from being alone. Keep coming here. Seek help. Journal. Talk. Nurture yourself. Wrap up in a blanket on the couch. If that is all you can do, that is enough. You are more than enough.
We have each stood in the unfathomable moment of being told or finding the body. We have thought over and over, “I cannot survive this.”
I am here to say breathe. Keep breathing. Keep coming back here.
My brother is gone and I’m broken
I lost my brother today. I feel so broken. I don’t know how to navigate life without him. My only brother. My heart hurts so bad and everyone keeps telling me to be strong and it will be okay but I can’t be strong and I feel like nothing will ever be okay again.
I didn’t keep my brother
My brother hung himself in precinct after telling my younger sister he would try to end it every chance he got . I feel like I failed my big brother. I have seen him suffering his entire life especially as a teenager wanting something from our mother she refused to give . I became my brothers keeper and it feels like as soon as I reached to my other family for help cuz I was so drained . I didn’t fulfill my duty as a sister . I wanted to bail him out but part of me wanted my other brother to spend his money to humble and show him money isn’t everything – let’s do a good deed with it . I wish we never bailed him out the first time. He skipped bail eventually and got picked up on another charge and killed himself . I feel sick and I feel like it’s my fault somehow in some way.
Bye
I keep seeing you in my dreams. Sometimes I can see your face but other times you don’t have one. Why do you keep coming back? Is it to just torment me? I’m scared to sleep. I’m scared of seeing you again. Will you tell mom hi and that she doesn’t need to hate me anymore?
I still need my big brother. I see Lillian running around and chasing Ash and screaming at each other and all I think about is that I miss my bubba.
I’m done typing now.
From Womb to 39
Subject: From Womb to 39
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We shared the same classes, friends, cars, jobs…I am clueless how to do life without you. I’m now a twineless twin, after 39 years.9 months have passed, time is standing still and moving too fast. Half of my DNA, heart and soul were roughly ripped away from me on 3/17/23…The day both of us died. Physically, only you.
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We shared the same classes, friends, cars, jobs…I am clueless how to do life without you. I’m now a twineless twin, after 39 years.9 months have passed, time is standing still and moving too fast. Half of my DNA, heart and soul were roughly ripped away from me on 3/17/23…The day both of us died. Physically, only you.
This pain is far too intense. The antidepressants take the edge off a little.
I’m so sorry we had such a tough upbringing and depression ended up taking your life. I could never ever be mad at you for leaving me. I was there first hand to witness everything in your life that brought you to that moment in the woods.
We had such big plans. I’ll try to keep them going alone.
Sis, I love and miss you more than I could have never imagined. I will find you one day, wherever you are. You will always be my #1!
Interesting
Seeking you somewhere there; absolutely anywhere. My dearest little brother there will never be another.
This life will go on. Hopeful of years to come with ultimate passing. Some point the memories will disappear how sad for you me and all we hold dear.
This life will go on. Hopeful of years to come with ultimate passing. Some point the memories will disappear how sad for you me and all we hold dear.
Interesting this fleeting life.
So much adventure, love and fight.
So I lie here one year waiting.
Waiting for an answer that will be ongoing… fading.
The anger it comes. The sadness it goes.
Frustrated at others frivolous woes.
Angry at me who struggles to see
There is so much more right in front of me
I’m sorry one year later for not going over
I knew better but struggled to find the courage to bolster. My dearest little brother there will never be another.
Forever 30
5 months ago today. I feel like I have so much to get off my chest but I can’t find the words. I keep beating myself up about our last few years together…. I knew we both had scars, but I never expected to get that call. You had so much to live for… just a couple weeks before you’d talked me out a funk with your typical irreverent and hilarious wit. So many memories that I share with only you…. they’re only mine now I guess. I always pictured us getting old together with rocking chairs and shot guns on a porch sipping sun tea in the morning and home brew in the evening telling stories to the grandchildren. Second hand lions style… I’m doing my best for mom and baby sis and kids. I hope it’s enough. I hope I’m making you proud little brother. I miss you like hell but I hope you’re at peace. I hope that money I left with you was enough to pay the ferryman.
My birthday
It was my birthday and instead of a phone call wishing me happy birthday I got a phone call that you you were dead. I replay that day in my head constantly when I am alone yet try my best to forget it . Instead of eating birthday cake I cleaned up the mess that you made. My birthday is no longer my birthday but a reminder of you taking your own life, I don’t even know how old I am anymore because that birthday went black. I hate my birthday . The day of my birthday and three days before dad’s birthday, twenty one days before Christmas you took your life by a gun. I was so angry, upset and confused when it first happened I could not grasp my head as to WHY DID YOU DO THIS? WHY!! I knew that you were dealing with some demons but you seemed better. You were coming around more often, but then you did this. I’ve learned that I will never get the answer as to why you did this – why didn’t you wish me a happy birthday, why didn’t you just come over , why did you do this? So I’ve learned to accept it . But dad has gotten really bad. He’s turned to drinking and worse after grandma died. He is still blaming her for your suicide and he is still angry. He’s talked about suicide and I went into a spiral. Your mom tries to come with gifts signed by you, but no type of money will bring you back or make this okay. I miss you so much and I wish I could just get my one question answered. Please look over mom and dad… please please please. I can’t handle any more hurt or leaving. Please just do that for me. Keep them healthy and protected so I can have them here longer.
2 brothers who left
Dear J and S,
Your choices nearly killed me. Your children have suffered. I continue to explain your decisions. People are shocked that Mom and Dad raised two men-talented, established, wealthy, fathers, who left a legacy of suicide to our family. I am fighting the shame and embarrassment of what you did every day. I have my daily suicide tears. My life is forever changed. I am not you, I am a lonely sister who now has to grow old without you. The grief goes on and on. I go back to our happy times together never imagining that you both would — yourselves. I am a compassionate, kind, beautiful, and creative mother; that is how I am determined to define myself. Your mental illness was not treated. I did my best to help you but you didn’t listen to anyone. You left a mess for me to clean up, just like my entire life in our family. Mom and Dad did everything for you to be successful. I can’t imagine how they feel knowing that their sons — themselves. I hope you have found peace. I have not and never will. Your children’s lives are really messed up too. Your loving sister, D
Your choices nearly killed me. Your children have suffered. I continue to explain your decisions. People are shocked that Mom and Dad raised two men-talented, established, wealthy, fathers, who left a legacy of suicide to our family. I am fighting the shame and embarrassment of what you did every day. I have my daily suicide tears. My life is forever changed. I am not you, I am a lonely sister who now has to grow old without you. The grief goes on and on. I go back to our happy times together never imagining that you both would — yourselves. I am a compassionate, kind, beautiful, and creative mother; that is how I am determined to define myself. Your mental illness was not treated. I did my best to help you but you didn’t listen to anyone. You left a mess for me to clean up, just like my entire life in our family. Mom and Dad did everything for you to be successful. I can’t imagine how they feel knowing that their sons — themselves. I hope you have found peace. I have not and never will. Your children’s lives are really messed up too. Your loving sister, D