Bubba…
On the 14th of January it will have been 8 months since you left us. I’ve suffered many losses in my life and I thought I knew what grief was. But I had no idea. Grief & loss have never cut me this deeply before. I still cry almost every day and they say that time heals all wounds but it’s unimaginable that any amount of time could heal this pain.
You put on such a brave face in the months before you passed. I was so hopeful because despite the troubles you were enduring in your life I thought that you were handling things so well. I believed that the hardships you were enduring were making you fight harder and you were finally able to see your own strength. I’ll never forgive myself for being so wrong. If you had uttered one word of your plans… I would’ve crawled on my hands and knees from FL to Seattle where you were living. You were my only sibling and I had taken care of you most of our lives. If I had known NOTHING could have stopped me. You had struggled with your mental health for so long I thought you understood that you could have overcome it. But at the same time.. I know you were tired.
On the night that you left, I had frantically been calling trying to get help with finding you or reaching you. A deputy from the sheriff’s office called to tell me the news. I had to be the one to tell Dad & Mom. I’ll never forget the look on Dad’s face. That night will always be the beginning of the nightmares that I’m most scared of.
Your light shined brighter than anyone’s that I have ever seen. You were everything that I knew I could never be. You were smart, you were brave, you were honest, you were never scared to be yourself, you were an amazing musician, and you fought your mental illnesses so hard. I look around at the world and I know it will never been the same.
I love you and there will always be this giant hole in my heart that’s there because of your absence.
I can’t wait to see you again, Bubba.
Love,
Sissy
Little Brother (FE 31)
Hi Bub
Katie, you are so important to me. I have a hole in my heart that will never be filled. I hope you hear me when I talk to you. I hope the things I see are actually signs from you. I hope you truly are always with me like you promised you would be in your letter.
I will never stop loving you, bub.
38 years
She wasn’t worth it
Almost a year. A terrible year. Still devastated.
You would tell me all the time to get right with God. I know you were, and if there’s a Heaven, I know you are there. I still cannot bring myself to believe is something that holds me accountable and demands me to follow their will, yet won’t do anything to stop people’s suffering all over the globe. I know some of these feelings about God comes from my anger about losing my sister, my brother, my son, and the many friends through the years. Our friend Dennis passed in October.
I thought I would be better about dealing with your passing, but with the “day” coming up soon, I am miserable.
Missing you brother. If God will have me… until we meet again.
To My Littles
You were everything. You were bright, alive, you gave me the hope I needed to think that we would get past what the world is. And now you’re gone.
Thinking about what you felt at the end makes it hard for me to get through any second of any day. I wish you had just called me? Texted me? I would have been there as soon as was humanly possible. I knew it was hard, but I thought you always knew that you and I could fight the hard together.
I cannot even begin to fathom life without you, but it will never be without you. You are one of the biggest pieces of me. I will carry you until my last breath. I miss you with every cell of my being.
Its been almost 14 years, and the parent struggle is real.
Older Brother
My older brother left April 2023 when he was 24 and I was 19. So much has changed. Our dad is still bipolar and manic and when I want to complain about him to you I no longer can. I miss sending you memes or shitty songs I wrote. I miss you lecturing me on something that would eventually become a core belief of mine. I’ve cut lactose, I take care of my skin, I eat chickpea burgers instead of meat sometimes, I watch shows I know you liked, I make jokes you would’ve liked, I’m graduating the college you graduated from, I’ve started exercising more, etc. All with your words in mind. Most of the time I’m okay, but sometimes I burst at the seams and wail in my car (your old car) sobbing and yelling at the world. I always thought we’d retire and play Minecraft together again. It’s a shame I have to live a life now without you.
I wish I was a better brother when you were here and I wish I was more supportive when you were asking for help. I wish I gave you more attention and positive feedback. I was an a** sometimes. I’m glad I told you I loved you though and I’m glad I got to make you that slice of cinnamon bread Thanksgiving 2019. You were the best part of the family and I think you knew that to me I loved you more than mom or dad. I’ve been trying to be more of a loving son to mom now that she no longer has you.