I lost my brother on August 11th 2019. The police came to my door and I had to notify my family. I’m broken to this day. He hung himself overseas. I now have no contact with my niece and nephews overseas because of his ex-wife. I’ve lost a brother and three children and I have so much hatred to his ex it’s making my insides curl. I’m sad. I’m angry. My family is a mess. I’m terrified of the thoughts that go thru my head. I’ve been to counseling and have joined group therapy starting Jan 14, 2020. This has just been the most horrible thing and I don’t know how I will make it through and have a “happy life” now. I’m just beat down and feel alone. I’m just spent.
So many posting about guilt. I get it.
After some years I came to understand my brother made a bad choice in a desperate moment. His pain and exhaustion were just too much. He shared himself with us as long as he could.
Several years later, a therapist asked what I thought my brother wanted for me. Without thinking about it, these words came out of my mouth, “Peace. He wants me to be at peace.” It has been more than 30 years and I still believe that.
Look for a moment of goodness. Your posting to this site is an act of goodness. None of us want to be here, but your posting has/will help someone else. When we can generate goodness from this tragedy, healing begins. It is a long road, but you can find your new life.
When I was 17 and a senior in high school my brother committed suicide. He was 14 years old and was going into his freshmen year of high school. After he passed away I watched my parents relationship turn hostile towards one another and unfortunately I was left in between as a pawn to use against the other. Personally I found sanctuary in sports, using baseball as an escape from my reality, but as one may guess I could not totally escape. No longer was I Jake, as much as I was the kid who’s brother committed suicide over the summer to my peers at school. Eventually I went to college and walked on to the baseball team, again finding some sort of activity I was familiar in to use as an escape. Unfortunately however I am in my fifth year of college and as my sports career begins coming to an end, a lot of the emotions and things I may of repressed without being entirely aware of are coming to the surface. Truthfully I come from an environment of emotional dysfunction, I have seen my mom attempt to commit suicide, my father is narcissistic, my brother is dead, and I am scared and lost. I feel like I have no role models and I don’t really know how I’ve made it this far exactly. It seems like the foundation I have come from is so intertwined with my reality today, it’s like I’m playing a game of poker poker with a bad hand that I gotta bluff my way to winning with. So I guess of late I have decided to fold, expressing my truths to my family members with mixed results. I guess I will end this post with the fact that I am lost. Over the 5 years since my brother has died so much dysfunction has occurred, not even to mention the dysfunction within my family when he was alive. I am scared that the cards in my hand are broken, that people will see me as a broken person who comes from broken people and that’s who I will be remembered as. Not as Jake.
Several years later and I don’t feel better. I never will. I miss my brother and nothing will ever change that. There are moments when I feel joy, and I feel him with me. I know he wants that for me and those he loved on earth. I know he doesn’t want me to cry every time I think of him. But, I do. Every. Single. Time. I might hold back the tears, but they are there. I gulp them down, and force a smile. I feel abandoned, and I never won’t feel that way. But he tossed himself away more than he tossed me away, and the pain of that is unbearable. He was so loved. SO LOVED BY ME. Worshipped. To the end of time, I will remain devoted to his memory and the times we shared. I will always love him. I feel him now with me. He is around. I just wish I could talk to him and hug him and laugh with him and tell him I am sorry I ever let him down. He deserved more and better then he got. So much more. I hope there is an after life and all his dreams are coming true. I love you, my brother. I miss you, my brother. Always.
Today I found my brother in his room haven taken his own life. He was 35…18 months older then me. He has battled with mental health for years and recently been struggling. I was worried over the weekend as I couldn’t get hold of him and he didn’t turn up for work today. Went to his flat where I let myself in to find him. Been scrolling through some sites which have seemed to calm my emotions a bit and help with some of my new feelings…
I was playing League of Legends at 4:00 am when my mother opened her door and said my name “Humberto”. At first I thought she was going to tell me I had to go to bed, but her next words were different… As I was still playing, I didn’t look at her until she finished her sentence… “Your brother hanged himself”.
I turned around to look at her, I was cold, I was in shock. I even told the game chat I had to go because my brother hanged himself – I couldn’t think clearly. My brother he killed himself. He was living in other country, we couldn’t attend his funeral, and burial. I feel so bad because he was coming to live with us next year. I didn’t talked too much with him, but I loved him. I met him when I was 14. He was one of my father’s kids, before me and my sisters. He was my only male sibling. I can’t stop thinking about why he did it. I can’t believe it happened either. I just hope he is in peace now, and happy. He deserved better, and I’m sorry I couldn’t be there to help him.
My brother died from suicide almost 2 weeks ago. He was 46. He was struggling from a lifelong battle of mental illness and in a moment of despair decided to take his own life by going to the gas station, bought a gallon of gas, a lighter and went out to an isolated area, pour gas on himself and lit himself on fire. Not only was I shocked by his death but shaken by the manner in which he killer himself. Just 2 days prior to his death, he was at a family get together and I gave him a hug and he hugged me back and we made plans to see each other for Thanksgiving. I come from a family of 6 siblings. Now there’s only 5 of us and we are all shocked and saddened by his death. My parents are too and struggling with the loss of their oldest son. I’m feeling so sad and have cried almost every day. I don’t know when will I ever get past this pain. My heart is so broken that nothing else really matters. All I just want is my brother back.
On October 10, 2019, my brother who is 5 years younger than me hung himself at 42 years of age. He was 6 months shy of his 43rd. I won’t pretend to know what was going through his mind or what struggles he had personally. I know he was struggling financially and his health had been deteriorating due to a rare genetic immune disorder that runs in our family. I have it as well but it is controlled with treatments. My brother and I were not exceptionally close but I learned at his funeral that I was a subject often discussed by him. He was apparently very proud of me and what I had accomplished. He had his own eclectic tastes and mannerisms and he was a bit of a misfit. The one thing everyone said repeatedly was that he was exceptionally kind and often took their burdens away by listening, amusing, or advising them. I was proud of the man my brother became, and I knew he always struggled to fit in. He would read some treatise on religion or something on sci fi just to have something to relate with me about on during the holidays.
Whether it was his worsening health problems, or his financial difficulties, I will never know. He indicated to my mother the day before that was going to kill himself. She told him go ahead.
I will forever feel guilty that I wasn’t there for him. I didn’t pay attention, and most of all I was not kind when growing up. I will always wonder what I could have done differently. I will forever be haunted my brother died alone.
James I love you so much..
I think about you everyday. Some days are harder than others. I feel so lonely in this house without you.. I miss hearing you talk to chulo.. I miss hearing you laugh at the spongebob episode you’re watching.. I miss hearing you play your little guitar before bed.. it’s been over a year now and I still can’t believe you’re not physically here with us anymore. You will always be in my heart as my big brother, my guardian angel and my hero. I’m not afraid of death as I was before because I know I have you up there and you’ll be waiting for me and the rest of the family to join you in heaven.
It was your birthday yesterday and about 18 months since we lost you.
Mom, dad, Jennifer and I went out to visit your grave. It’s a bit of a drive, but very picturesque, and gave me a lot of time to think about you on the way there.
I still feel so sad, and still feel some guilt for losing you, mainly for the fact that I sometimes didn’t return your texts or emails, though of course I know now that you’d been planning it for many months.
Anyway, I miss you every day and wish you were still here. Mom and dad are doing okay, but obviously are still deeply saddened, so I’m doing my best to spend as much time as I can with them.
I miss you Kate, and miss all the good times we had together, and those are the times I try to think about to get me through.