I’ve rewritten this letter countless times, in my head, in blogs, and now here where I’ll hopefully finish. I miss you. TJ misses you. I’m sure your girls do too, they loved their mommy so much. I don’t see them anymore. Since you left us, everything has fallen apart.
Mom is 20 hours away and can’t focus on anyone but herself. My dad is practically a drunk now. TJ is so full of guilt that I’m not sure if he’s going to make it. Adam took the girls and we haven’t heard from them since.
I’m sorry I was never there, I’m sorry I didn’t go to Ulta with you or to get pedicures. I’m sorry I never kept in touch after I moved, I’m sorry I missed your last birthday so I could go to a football game. I’m sorry for not being a sister to you. I’m sorry for not being more patient.
Why did you leave? Why did you overdose? Why couldn’t you have gone somewhere for help instead?
I have so much to say to you Tasha, I just want to hear your voice and tell you how sorry I am. I want to tell you how proud I am about how well you were doing before all of this. It’s already been over a year but all the pain is still inside me, and it won’t go away. I need to talk to you. I need to hear you.
I love you Tash,
Why did you leave me, why did you take your life? I wish you could have told me your intentions. I miss you so much. Why did you leave tour daughter, you loved her so much but you left her. You were supposed to have not killed yourself, i need my sister and my friend. I have no one to talk to, a lot is happening in my life but one good thing is that I now have a baby girl and i wish you have met her. Please help me to understand and stop crying, its now 7years but it still hurts so much. How do i accept you are gone forever?
I miss you dear sister
Its a year to the day that you decided you could no longer cope with being. I want to let you that i have never nor ever will judge your choice.
I just hope you know just how many people love and miss you. There’s not a day I don’t miss you. I can’t count how many times I’ve wanted to share silly little things with you. How many times I’ve needed you. Wondered what you would have thought about things.
I hope you are at peace now and are watching and guiding us all. Love you and I know we’ll meet again.xxx
My first thoughts in the morning are of you. My last ones are of you before I go to bed. Mom and Dad are not doing very well. It’s coming up on two years and I still cannot believe this happened. This has been more than we can bear. Never saw this coming. My missed chance to speak to you the night before will haunt me forever.
You should be alive. Why did u do it? U could of retired early and gotten acdivorce
Two years today we had your funeral ez. I know you were there then and you’re here now. The ice cream van was a nice touch today. I swear all the signs you send me keep me going. I can’t say that the void feels any less than the day we buried you, but I’d like to think I’m much more focused on self preservation and care now, much more aware of the present and understanding of the paths we must lead – You sweetened me up with the ice cream so I might be talking s***. I miss you, not a day goes by without me thinking of your smile. You send stale jokes into my head whenever I’m having a hard moment in my daily life – when I remember you’re not here anymore. In those moments I truly feel my loss of you. I wish I could talk to you about my plans, my aspirations, my love life, things that are going on in the world, how beautiful the cherry tree looks or show you a band I’m into. I know you’re here, but it’s hard because I miss your voice, your jokes, your laugh, your mind, your opinion. I hope everyday that you come into my dreams. I just want to hug you and tell you we miss you. It still doesn’t feel real that it’s been two years. It doesn’t seem possible; the longest time we ever went without seeing each other was under two months. I can’t believe over two years have passed without seeing you. I hope you see the woman I’m becoming, I hope you understand I’m not just doing it for myself, I’m doing it for you. In memory of you, my beautiful big brother. Love you best in the world, beyond this world and into the next lifetime, e
I miss you so much more than any word could ever describe. When you were alive you were my best friend. You were always there for me and always put up with me. I miss us texting each other “yo” or “yo wanna jump” when we wanted to go out onto the trampoline, and when i would run into your room and jump on your bed and say “Can I play GTA” as fast as I could for some reason. Or when we would go onto the trail and look for a place to make a cool fort. Or when you taught me how to do cool tricks on the trampoline. I wish you could come back more than anything. If I could only have one wish in the entire world, it would be to bring you back. I know you don’t want to live but you could get help. You could get your life together again and get a job and we could start that dog business you always wanted to start. I just want you back. I know I didn’t say this that much when you were alive, but I love you. More than anything else in the world. I never thought I would go through this much pain at just 13 years old. I never thought I would have to go to my own brother’s funeral so early on in life and see him… dead. The pain I endure is unbearable. I see a therapist now and she makes thing a bit better but I will forever have a broken heart. There will always be an empty space in my heart where you should be. There is not a single day that has past where I have ‘t thought about you. I just want to see you one more time, hug you one more time, say I love you one more time. If only I could just see you one last time so i could at least say goodbye. Even if it was just for a minute. I also have so many questions for you. Like: Why did you do it on the fourth of July? Why dodn’t you write a note explaining exactly why you did it? Or did you write one? If you did, did it get lost? Why were you listening to Faded by Zhu when you did it? Why did you do it where you did it? Are you in Heaven, or Hell? Will I ever see you again? I want the answers so bad but I know I will never get them because you are gone. Most days these days I just feel numb. I almost can’t even comprehend how much I miss you and I feel fine because I am numb so much. Though once every little bit it will all come rushing back and I can’t do anything but cry. I feel so much guilt. I am sorry for what I did. You told me that you attenpted suicide and wanted to commit and when mom and dad came home you asked if I was going to tell Dad and I shook my head no, walked upstairs to my room, and cried. God I wish I could at least just go back to that day and not have said no. I wish I could fix that mistake and instead ran outside to the car and told them everything. Instead I was a coward and said nothing. I am just a depressed little piece of shit. I don’t deserve a brother like you anyway. I feel so bad for what I did. Or didn’t do really. I truly am deeply sorry. Around the time you did it, I had a dream that you were in your room at the end of your room. I remember you laying on the ground, dead. You had killed yourself with a gun which is how you did it in real life. To this day I ponder and ponder how I could have dreamt a dream like that at such a convenient time. I just wish you would have gave life one more chance. Life is so hard without you. I could always go to you to complain about our “insane” family because you were the only one who understood me but now I can’t. The whole family is just completely falling about and we are always at each others throats anymore without you. You have to come back we need you. Michelle and James moved in to our house and life is more stressful than ever. I am extremely upset because they took your room which was supposed to be my place to smell your ever so distinct smell and think and talk to you. Now it’s gone and now it is their room with their smell that I can never go into. The kids are very stressful and they don’t do a good job of watching them and my whole life is upside down between you and them. I got diagnosed with an Adjustment Disorder and Uncomplicated Bereavement and it’s tough. My birthday is coming up soon. Just a couple of weeks. You aren’t going to be there, though. I won’t ever be able to escape my birthday parties and just go down stairs and play “Rome” with you instead, or any party. The Fourth of July will forever be ruined for me and I can’t stand the sound of Fireworks now because I just think and invision you standing by the side of the road on the sidewalk shooting yourself. It’s terrible. One day I will graduate and go to college, you won’t be there for me then either. One day I will go and meet the love of my life then get married, you won’t be there for me then either. One day I will move into my first apartment then someday my first house. You won’t be able to be there to celebrate with me though. One day I will have kids, but they will never be able to meet their amazing uncle and you will never be able to help me raise them. I just miss you so, so much. I want to be with you but I can’t leave the family too. Mom cries almost every single night now and constantly says shes wants to be with you. I hear her sobs every night. She misses you a ton like everyone else. She also feels guilty for seperating you from Abby. She feels terrible. Michelle had another baby. His name is Oliver Rue Santos and by God he is by far the most perfect and cutest baby I have ever seen in my life. It’s just way too bad he will never meet you. Michael and Brittni got a new house. It’s in Terrace Park and it is so big. There’s also some woods and a creek behind it. I know you and I would both love to go their when we visit them and explore and have fun. They also had baby twins. One is a baby boy names George Joseph O’Connor, the other is a girl. Her name is Harper June O’Connor. They were born a couple months too early, though, and might possibly die. If they do, please take care of them if you are in Heaven. They are the sweetest little things. Anyways, I love you so, SO much and miss you. I hope when I eventually die I will be able to reunite with you, my dear brother.
Well Baby Brother, Im having a shitty day today. Havent had one in a while but today hit me like a freight train. We went to the house this weekend to clean out more personal stuff before the auction. It was sooo hard to see the boxes of pictures you had stored with us a kids. This is what breaks my heart the most. Seeing these frozen memories. I will put them away in a box forever. I breaks my heart to see you as a kid and know what you did 30+ years later. All those memories I just want to shut in a closet. Im tired of dealing with your estate alone. Mom wants to hoard all of your stuff. Dad wants to avoid the situation. We argue about it. You have no idea what you did to this family. (here is the anger) Im so pissed at you for doing this. Leaving me with all this shit to take care of. The stress is unbelievable. You know we would have supported you with the cancer but WTF…..seriously, shooting yourself?!?!?!?!? Im so tired of the nightmares. Im tired of not being happy. Im tired of being alone, but I guess I always will be. Now Im an only child and when the P’rents are gone…ill be completely alone. Yeah I have a husband and kid but I dont share childhood memories with them, do I!?!?! I just need to get the estate taken care of and let the real healing begin. I cant keep going back to your house and thinking of all the memories. It takes me weeks to get back on my feet after dealing with things. I keep asking why…..why…..why. You took a piece of my heart which will never heal. I will never completely heal. This wears me down. I love you and miss you so very much.
How many times did we fight about that? No matter what I’ll always be the big sister. No matter what you’ll never be older than me ever. I got the call 7 hours ago. I don’t know what to say I don’t know what to do. I keep thinking to myself “if only I could tell him.” And then I remember I will never hear your voice or see your face or yell at you again.
We may not get that in each other’s lives as for our entire lives. But I love you Tyler no matter what you are always one of the best bigger younger brothers I could ever have.
Happy belated birthday! Not sure why I couldn’t bear to write this yesterday. H already didn’t even know it was your birthday, poor kid. She’s going to forget you, you know? I wish I could forget you too. I just turned 18, and you missed it!! And O just turned 21, and I know what you would have said to her lol. H made her a card, and it looked just like the one she made you for your 21st birthday. It has been 90 of the worst days of my life since I last saw you. Unless I am asleep, I don’t go an hour without thinking about you. I haven’t cried in so long. I’m just shocked and terrified every day that I have to go through the rest of my life without you. How are any of us going to possibly do that?! I can’t smell you when I go to the basement anymore, and everything down there is just as you left it, except for your clothes. Mom’s friends washed all of them and wanted to donate them but we told them to wait. They are on your bed in a pile, your backpack is in the corner, your laptop is where it usually is. Mom still hasn’t gone down to the basement, and we are moving soon anyway. Not sure to where, but the house is being renovated. Just wanted to let you know that we all miss you so f*** much! And I am so glad that you aren’t hurting anymore, and you are probably having a fantastic time up there when I’m trying not to fail Calculus. Don’t know why i’m still in the class to be honest. Guess it’s only because that was the last piece of advice you ever gave me. I hate math, and even math reminds me of you! I wish you could help me, O doesn’t know much math to be honest. We are all in a lot of pain. Dad keeps on getting mad and taking it out on us, Mom’s health is deteriorating, O is being stoic as always, but I hope she will be okay. A keeps on taking out her anger on classmates and teachers, and H won’t even say your name! It is as if your name has become a swear word or something. Anyway, I got a job! Which I know you would be proud of me for. Haven’t told anyone there about what happened to you. Guess i’m going to continue to try to trick myself. Lots of love, and Happy 22nd Birthday! I miss you more than you could have ever imagined, and I pray every day for this to be a dream. Unfortunately, that does not seem to be the case, but I have to keep on living, right? You would have wanted that. We have to be okay.
I miss you my brother. I am broken and hitting without you and I wish you were here so that I could talk to you one more time and tell you how much you meant to me. We’d always sit at the table after dinner and talk. Whether it be crap about family or friends, whether it was about feelings or depression, whether it was about animes or memes or just sitting there and enjoying each others company (while eating a whole cereal box of course). You were always there for me when I didn’t feel okay and I don’t think I ever got around to thanking you or telling you how much you meant to me and how much you saved me through my dark times. Without you I don’t know what to do. I wish I could continue on like you would want me to but I can’t talk about my feelings to anyone like I did with you. No one can replace those tables talks or inside jokes together. No one can understand how many times youve saved me from falling. And now I’m falling faster than I could ever imagine and I don’t know how to catch myself. I’m in so much pain, brother. I feel so hollow and so depressed and I don’t think it’s ever been this bad. I keep thinking of things I wanted to do with you and how I’ll never get to do them with anyone else because YOU and I were the only ones that would enjoy it. I keep thinking of the letter. That stupid letter you wrote that is now engraved into my head. Telling me that I am stronger than you’ll ever be. To take you places where you’ve never gone. To keep living. And it’s hurting me to know that I don’t think I can do that. I wanted to take YOU places and tell you about new things in my life and have you be proud of me. I wanted you to be there for me, brother. We shared pains and now I have no one to share my pains with and it’s all bottling up and it hurts. I’m carrying the pain and trying to stay strong and trying to keep living, but I just can’t. I wanted YOU to teach me how to use a camera properly. I wanted you to show me more pictures of the eagles you caught on your camera – I wanted to see your excited face and happy dance when you show me. I feel so empty without you. I’m so scared of living on and have you be no where with me. I’m horrified of graduating and you not being there to tell me “I knew you could do it, Kiddo.” I’m scared of people calling me Kiddo. Because that’s all you ever called me. I’m scared of moving on because that means you’re gone for good. I want this to be a really horrible dream that I’ll wake up to and cry in your arms and have you tell me it’s never going to happen. But it did. I don’t think that feeling is every going to go away. I’m hurting, brother. Won’t you come back to me? Won’t you come back from your other world and tell me it was all a cruel joke? Can’t you return to me? And tell me I’ll be okay? Can you hug me one last time and tell me that I’ll live and be happy? Can I talk to you one last time? I’m so scared brother. I’m scared to live without you and I know you’ll be upset if I leave this world but I know you won’t be mad at me. I know you’d understand and love me the same. I want to make you proud and I’m trying. I’m trying so damn hard to live. I’m trying so damn hard not to break down everytime I think back of a memory sitting at the table and you being sick from eating 3 bowls of ice cream. I’m trying so f** hard to be strong. I’m so scared, Brother. I’m so f**scared of living. Won’t you take me to your other worlds?