Dear Chaos

Will I ever forgive you? I look at pictures of you and the gapping hole in my stomach begins to grow. The feeling of guilt, anger and sorrow consume me. Your really gone….. Every-time I think of you that thought crosses my mind. Like I haven’t screamed and cried and begged for you to come back to me a million times…. I can stare at your face all day… listening to your favorite songs, singing them aloud like we use to; but these days my voice is shaking, face filled with tears and snot. I miss you. Remember when you use to BLOW my phone up…not with 3 missed calls or 4 or 5.. there would be 7 or 8 at a time.. with voicemails and texts. I saved your voicemails; I listen to them often. I stalk your Instagram like a psycho EX…. I hate you for leaving me here… I really do. This s*** is f**** up……….. I hate how much you loved me when you were here, it makes it harder. Your absence is a ache that can’t be reached or healed. You knew I’d feel this feeling, and that’s why I’m so mad! You knew I’d be heartbroken and numb. You f**** knew it. I f**** miss you brother. I miss you so f**** much. I hate it here without you… I truly do.
You saved my life by taking yours.
But saving mine only kept me here. No exit plan like you did yous… I don’t have that option, it’s out the door. I’m stuck here now, to feel this pain, and make a change. To fight for basic human rights and make sure no one suffers the way you did bro. I’m putting in work, all day; all night. In your name, in your honor.
Peace from Chaos… I’ll keep your memory alive as long as there is still ground to walk on.
F*** You.
I love you.
You f**** Selfish A**hole!
Life ain’t been no crystal ball til now………
Xoxo Your baby sister & Best Friend.
Secnarf Uomac.

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