My little brother

You always gave me grief when I called you that. My little brother, we were only a year and 8 months apart but responsibilities wise I felt years older than you. Maybe since I was the older sister I wanted to take care of you and protect you and maybe since 16 when you started having trouble with mental illness I felt like I needed to.
Its less than 2 months since you’ve been gone and it feels unreal. When reality does poke through, the pain is unreal. You were 32 and I was 33. I told you I wanted us to look at our pictures together when we were in our 60s. You always hated photos. Now that’s all I have. I realize that there weren’t many videos of you because it was hard enough to get a photo of you let alone a full video. Now I’m scared I’ll forget your voice. I’m so scared malli. I’m scared to live through the rest of my life without you. I miss you so much. I wish I could have seen you one more time. I wish for your birthday our parents agreed to go on that family trip I planned. I’m so mad and angry, no at you but everything and everyone else. Especially God for taking you back. I am never mad at you because I know you tried, I saw how hard you wanted to live. I’m so sorry I feel like as your big sister I let you down. I will always feel like I let you down. I wasn’t old enough or strong enough. I was trying. The money I saved for you to start your real-estate business went to your funeral and that broke my heart. I think I hated God so much for that. I wish you just came home that day. I wish that so much. I dont know how to move on from not having you to talk to. You always knew the right and wise thing to say. I wish I could hear from you.
Love,
Akki

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