I as old as you were

It has been just over seven years since I last saw you and you took your own life. I remember siting in your garage listing to new music albums. Playing darts, laughing, joking. You always were there for me. Your were more then a brother, you were like a father to me. You protected me from the abuse of our other tormented siblings. You gave me hope for a better future and always made me feel good about myself when I felt useless in a complex word. You feed my love for music and encouraged me to play as many instruments as I could hold. It is hard to believe that the time has passed like this. I felt like our time together was just beginning when you left. I regret not being there for you like you were there for me. You were in pain and I could not see it. Your passing broke me so bad that I could not even go to your funeral or carry you casket. I didn’t want to believe that you were gone. I still dream of you at night. You still give me advice even when you are gone. The other night I dreamt you came back and that you just had to get away for a while.It is hard for me to be around your kids cause they look so much like you. They have your heart for sure! I miss the long nights drinking with you. I miss the food you created, you made being a stoner fun. I am still in denial that you are gone. Thanks for the good times. I hope we will meet again in some life after this. We will listen to some terrible country music and I will never complain about it again. You will always be a huge part of who I am. I love you buddy. I just can’t believe I am as old now as you were when you left. I am still broken.

If I could turn back the hands of time…

My Brother,
It almost a month since your passing, you left a note behind. Not really saying goodbye! You left me baffled, confused and shell shocked!
I still remember you protecting me since I started to remember memories. All these memories of you protecting me since I was a baby still flashes through my mind.
We been through so much together. You was my Daddy, my Mommy, my Brother, my best friend.
We never had a stable home but that didn’t stop you from making me smile or happy. You did your best to ensure my happiness. You got me my first shaving blade! You thought me how to ride a bike, skate board, spin a top, shoot marbles.
We drank and caught on a alot of kak together. We partied like rockstars! We worked hard and supported each other’s ambitions, whenever I fell you lifted me up. You were my strength whenever I felt weak.
I feel so confused, broken and sick all the time. I get weak when I see you hanging from that roof. It broke me to see you hang so lifeless and I couldn’t do anything to protect you then. I was too late to save your life as you saved mine countless of times!
I miss you brother! I am broken, bruised and damaged. I will still make you proud of me one day!!I love you always.

She’s gone

My sister committed suicide a couple of weeks ago, she suffered from depression. We missed the signs, thought she had turned a corner.
I found her, can’t get that image out of my head.
We were very close, she was my best friend, she worked with me, we would always be giggling about something.
Now she is gone.
I am quite a positive person, I don’t usually cry but I am a mess.
Looking back it was inevitable that this would happen 14 years of depression. I keep thinking if only I had done this or that even though I know if probably wouldn’t have made a difference. How long am I gonna feel like this ?

6 months on. I miss you everyday

Hi little brother. It’s been 6 months since you left. I’ve had some coaching which has helped me deal with the pain and be there for pregnant wifey. You said that you were sorry for not being able to meet your niece or nephew – but I know that you are looking over us.
I do still think about all the what ifs and whether I did enough to help. But I also want to focus on remembering all the amazing times we shared. Fighting over sega mega drive control pads and later graduating onto PlayStation. All the fun we had together playing micro machines, super soaker fights, as well as tamagotchi. Going to have some shisha in Marble Arch and watching films together and going for a pool session after.
I think about all those memories and even have them all jotted down every time I remember cos I want to hold onto those memories and keep them close to me.
It’s been 6 months and I still hurt when I think about how it all ended. But I really want to remember the amazing times we shared.
Keep helping me to be strong brother.
I love you. xxx
My original post is here: www.siblingsurvivors.com/i-miss-you-siblingssurvivors-guest-post/

1 year, how terrible

How could 1 year have gone by already? I cannot even fathom time like this. You were a part of my entire life – until you weren’t. You forced me to wrap my mind around this new life, and I’ve been living in it for 1 year. 365 days and I didn’t hear a new inflection in your voice or see a new crooked smile on your face. Before 1 year ago, I could look forward to those things any day, any time really. We’d walk and I’d wrap my hand around your forearm at your elbow, your hands in your pockets – yours was my favorite arm to hold because I needed to keep you safe, and show you that you were loved. You kept me safe, too. When I saw your body in that casket, all I could do is hold your arm again. You were cold. What a shocking truth. You’re just gone now. To this day, I still can’t really place where you are. The best solution I have is that you’re in my heart now – that is why my heart hurts so badly when I think of you.
It’s truly excruciating to think about you, but I still do every day. To think about your death of suicide is no longer shocking, and I can talk about that to people. I can tell them my brother took his life, and he struggled with chronic pain, mental illness, loneliness. I actually share this often, because I have found that so many people have been touched by mental illness and suicide. It’s so important to talk about it, so that we can prevent it.
I can’t talk about you-you, though, without the tears rolling. I can’t talk or even think about how you’d always bring the football to tailgates to play catch – or how we’d play tennis in the summer and get smoothies – or how you’d sing in public and embarrass me – or about the fact that your birthday came, but your age didn’t change. I can’t think about your voice, or your smile – not without the tears flowing. Because you were truly wonderful. So I will always hold you and your pain in my heart. I will always miss you.

So disconnected

I feel so lonely without my brother. It’s only been a little over 4 months and I feel like I don’t know how to live properly anymore. I feel like I need to take care of mom. I’m so worried about her it makes me sick. I can’t focus on school and I can’t afford to mess up again. It feels like no one cares about me really. All of my friendships feel vapid and fake and I can hardly bring myself to reply to most people. I find myself growing closer to people who are far away from me. People who won’t be mad at me for flaking or being boring in person because I simply don’t have to actually be around them. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I miss you so much. I need you here.

Keilah I miss you

It has been almost 7 months since I lost you baby sister. You were a young 17 year old girl who was so bright. You decided to move in with your new boyfriend and leave moms house. I found out two weeks before you took your own life that he was beating you and calling you names and telling you things that I hope I never hear again. I wish I had done so much more. I was your big bubba, I always protected you, but I failed this time. You left behind your little nephew, he loved you so much, and had so much fun with you, but he is so young I wish he would remember his amazing aunty K. I wish you would have taken my offer and moved in with me and your sister-in-law. It would have gotten you away from that monster and you would still be here. I love and miss you more and more everything single day my baby sister.

To my little brother

Its been a month since we found out that you decided this life is not for you. I was prepared for a while loosing mom or dad but for this i would have never be prepared. The perfect number of 4 is no more , we are back to the original trio. It hurts so much when i say this, cause its true. You were the last one to come in our lives and the first to go. I lit up 22 candels on your birthday but i am still not sure if you were 21 or 22 . You were short with 2 weeks and make me confused. For me you were 22 , cause you know it was my lucky number. Kiki misses you so much and feels so much guilt that i am afraid for her. I wish i could tell you to take care of her, she feels so alone. Sometimes i forget that the DNA test was made and an idea that you might be somewhere takes over, like you used to say you’ll go in Tibet to the monks. But the i remember you are you and you were the one who jumped from the fifth floor. This makes me wanna crumble to the floor praying for all this to be a bad dream. Your friend Nina said something that still hearts ‘ you guys are such a beautiful family ‘…this was 3 hours before your funeral. I just dont see the beauty in it now. Sometimes i wish we would find a letter or find out from someone that you indeed had intentions of doing this, but in the same time this doesnt really mather , you wont come back , just that it will hurt a little bit more knowing someone knew and we all family and friends didn’t know anything. Nomather of all this we / I love you and i am sorry that the intensity of our love did not show as much as the intensity of our pain now. Cause you made us feel like the perfect family 2 boys 2 girls. Different but talking the same language when caught up in our philosophies about life and s—. I will always love Pupac. And i really hope your soul is where you wanted to be. I will forever miss you and ever. Hope to see you someday somewhere….

10 months… Mom’s birthday ):

Serg, how do I even begin to write how devastated our mom is and even more so today that she doesn’t get her yearly “Feliz Cumpleaños, te quiero mucho mami” & her new perfume that you were accustomed to buying her every birthday..What can I possibly do to make up for the void you forced upon us. Our hearts are so broken that I feel we are all just living in a bubble that we cant seem to get out of. She cries for you so much that her beautiful eyes have been taken over by swollness, its heartbreaking to see the suffering in her eyes. How dare I ever think that this would never happen to our close loving family, I was so stupid to think that you were going to be ok because LOVE is stronger than anything and with love we would always help one another & have eachothers back. I am so sorry Serg for thinking that this was all you needed, I am so sorry that I didnt dig deeper, I am so sorry for failing you. You didnt give us a chance to redeem ourselves and so now we are left to suffer for the rest of our lives. I will Always love you & will patiently wait for when god calls on me to go home and see you again so I can hug & kiss you forever. I adore & love you always, your sis

My younger brother shot himself in head

My younger brother, he was handsome, smart, had everything going for him, he was a real estate broker. Then he got married…. We grew up with out a father, he left and just ignored us, my brother always talked of having a family of his own one day and he’d never do that as well as give his kids what we never had. He met her, they were married 19 years and had 2beautiful daughters, who he spoiled any chance he got, they went on family vacations, did everything together. Her was very very close to his father in law called him dad, he treated my brother like he was his son, well, he died. My brother was depressed after that, his wife just laughed at him and put him down. She then left him in 2016, because she couldn’t take it anymore, she took his girls with her. She moved in with her mother, who now dispised my brother. The wife made him go to all these Dr’s, take all kinds of medication, klonipin, lithium, trazadone, valium, etc. It all came from different Dr’s, she was in charge. She kept telling him she would come home time and time again if he cleaned house, took his pills, cooked her dinner, very demanding. Things kept happening to my brother all of a sudden, accidents, according to her, but she was always right there, things like, supposed attempts on his life. She found him with a type around his neck and blue, she found him face down in bathroom covered in vomit, strange things, but she was always right there. Well, one time i had this feeling and logged into Facebook to check his profile, sure enough, all it said was goodbye. I live over 200 miles away, so i called her, she made that nose you make when you just don’t care and said that she’s leaving him there to die. I immediately dialed 911, they saved him, when he came to he told me that she kept telling him to go ahead and just kill yourself, he was tired of hearing it so he tried. Them i get a call, his house burned down and he’s in jail, wrk, i jumped up and just screamed running through my home, i couldn’t believe what i was reading, yes, she text me and then told me to tell my mom, she didn’t have the decency to call me or even talk to my mom. I rush to Houston, sold all my jewelry, bailed him out of jail and brought him home with me. He was off all those pills, all he had to his name was the pajamas he had on the night the house burned down. Here was asleep in his recliner and when he got up to go to bed, flames came at him, he tried to put it out but couldn’t so he ran next door and called 911, but strange thing is, the estranged wife was right there outside before he even called 911, yeah, so she kept yelling that he had done it, so he was being charged. He lived with me about a month, i was in the guest room, thought he was walking outside, as he usually did, i heard a bang, well a picture fell off the shelf, didn’t think anything of it. I walked into master bedroom, there he laid, single gunshot wound in mouth, through top of his head. That’s the day my life ended, July 13, 2018. I have lost all my friends, because of this anger i have. Now, I’m alone, without my younger brother, who i miss more than anything. His car was in the shop, told his wife I’d like to have it, she said ok, when i got it the shop told me that his lugnuts had been loosened and that is why he went off the road, I’m just in awe, how can i prove that her and her family were trying to kill him? She never once shed a tear, she’s been going out and posting photos of herself laughing up and having a good time, meanwhile, I’m living in the house where it happened, no i do not go in that room, the door remains closed, i hate being in my own home! I have no family here in Texas, now have friends, obviously weren’t real friends to begin with because they walked away from me, I’m not depressed or contemplating suicide, I’m just alone, with my dog, who has been my rock. I miss my brother more and more each day. Thank you for reading, i apologize if it was to long.