My everything

Until October of 2018, I took everything for granted. It’s really true, you don’t know what you have till you lose it. I never in a million years thought my brother would leave like this. I never was aware of his mental battel with extreme anxiety disorders. Everything was a complete shock to me. The worst part is that I still have no letter, no explanation, no closure. I wish I could have helped, I wish I could have known, and I wish this never happened. My soul, my heart, my everything is missing because I lost my life long best friend. The only thing I am sure of in this world is that I will make a difference, I will help others with mental health disorders. I know he would be proud and I know he is always watching from above. I love you with all my heart brother. I miss you everyday <3

Is this normal?

I lost my brother to suicide last summer (2018). He suffered from alcoholism and had many previous suicide attempts, so sadly his death in this manner was not completely unexpected, although still shocking and difficult to grieve. After my brother’s suicide, I found myself worrying a lot about since this was my genetic brother, maybe was I capable of getting this depressed and troubled myself? My question to all of you is did you ever worry about this? I came across someone on some random youtube saying that they heard that if you lose a sibling to suicide you are 50% more likely to become suicidal yourself. This was shocking and scary to me. I feel partially angry at my brother for committing suicide if this is the case. I don’t want to worry like this!

My little sister

My sister took her life last year 3 days before her 19th birthday. I feel so much shame because I tried to be there for her. She had schizophrenia and have been fighting it for years. The day prior what is my gender reveal for my son. It also was the first day I couldn’t pick her up to take her to Sunday service. I feel so much guilt and having such a good time at my gender reveal and she was suffering so much on top of me not seeing her that day like we normally had planned. After she passed and I helped my dad go through her belongings we found that she had photos of me and my daughter underneath her pillow and all around her room and she has been journaling in the Bible that I had given her two Christmases prior. It still hits me like a brick even though this was last October and and I’m finding it hard to find a support group in my area that’s not 20 or so miles away. I keep replaying our memories and I keep replaying me having to pick out her final outfit because neither of my parents could do it and I’m here in a Walmart parking lot bawling my eyes out because now is when it decided to hit me like a ton of bricks. I understand logically that it’s not my fault that she had this disease in her brain and that she was battling depression on top of it but I still feel like it is my fault in some way.

Joe, my brother, you have taken my heart with you.

Hey guys – my name is Anna, I’m 21 years old. My younger brother Joe and I were very close in age at almost exactly a year and a half apart. Pretty much my mom was still nursing me when she became pregnant with him and I still remember him coming home from the hospital the day he was born. His birthday was June 12, 1999. He was a newly turned 20 year old when he killed himself on July 6th, 2019. My heart is finally letting some tears out while writing this after a recent numbing period I’ve been dealing with. He had a beautiful girlfriend of three years he was planning on marrying in the future and had recently bought her a very sweet and beautiful promise ring and his promise to her was to never leave. He was a virgin and wanted to wait until they were married because she did. In this way, he died a virgin and part of me is sad he didn’t get to experience this life pleasure but the other part of me is happy because that’s who Joe was, pure. Joe was to so many people a quiet steady kind strong light they depended on in their lives without even realizing how much and to what extent until his light suddenly went out. He listened fully, offered his honest advice, graciously told you the truth you needed to hear, went out of his way to make you laugh within your unique humor style which he could individually pick up on with each person in his life, picked up on moods and feelings of the people he cared about and immediately adapted to what they needed in his most honest, caring, empathetic, Joe way. And he did this not because he wanted to be walked on and was insecure or was trying to people please but because he genuinely wanted to, that was his nature at heart. Empathy, kindness, compassion, comedy relief in the most connective way are all just some of the words that describe my handsome baby brother. Not to mention how smart, ingenious, and creative his mind was. Joe killed himself on July 6th Saturday night, around 10 pm, by hanging. He did it under our boathouse which has an upstairs and downstairs and a staircase connecting the two. He obviously was very smart and researched and knew very well how to execute his plan. The coroner said the knot Joe tied was the most professional knot he’d seen. A petty fight with my boyfriend had me up at 7:30am on Sunday morn (which never happens) and had him driving me back to my home at my request around 8:30am. Not kidding you, the second I rolled up onto the driveway of my house, I see my mom walk to back of house area towards boathouse casually looking for Joe. (I guess they hadn’t seen him this morning and also wondered where he’d been last night bc he left his door open – he never does that. This was the first I even knew of him being gone in any sense of the word since I was at bfs house) my dad and little sister were also outside but out front and doing stuff with/around a vehicle, I think they were planning to leave for some appointment. Anyways back to mom walking to the back of the house riight after I pull up in car. Me and my boyfriend then hear my mom do a screaming wailing I’ve never heard in my life before from her and then we visually see her run up from the back continuing to wail and yell for my dad. Skip forward like a scene of my parents going together first to see their son and lil sis staying in car w me and bf updating me on joe being gone night before. Parents come back up front. Mom says “we have to tell them” to my dad and I get out of car w lil sis who had been on my lap and mom says to us “he’s gone” “joe’s gone” My mom told me not to look but I said I had to. My little sister stayed w my boyfriend and I went w my dad and my mom to see my baby brother. And what he had done. Oh my brother, that scene is etched in my mind. The bottom half of your face was contorted. But your eyes and your nose and your beautiful hair looked exactly the same. Your brown dead eyes so beautiful but so vacant. I touched your skin and you were still and cold. There was no life. For brother that was not you, but simply your vessel. It did not have to be like this. Never was I supposed to find you like that, my Joe, my blood brother. The pain is so unbearable and the images and the reality of it that as of late I’ve just been completely numb. Which I hate even more. Because all I want is to feel the pain of him gone. We had such a bond, such a love. He was my buddy. I would always ask his opinion on whether he thought my outfit was too slutty or if he thought it was cute, or his advice on literally anything, or vent about a bf, or we’d talk smack about all the family drama together, just so so much. we developed a weed scale together just us two to measure how high we were and how to communicate what level we were stoned wise.. but that was before he withdrew and stopped smoking w me as much. we shared so many fun memories together on/in that boathouse growing up but especially when we smoked together and his guard was down and he let me in more to his mind and thoughts. Which were so beautiful. And so unigue. Not your average Joe. it’s true. Joe was exceptional. Never was there a Joe like you. And never will there be again. And I miss you so much my brother, my twin, my heart, my Joe. Half of me is gone. I am so glad you are no longer in pain but in finding your comfort and peace you have destroyed any and all I ever had. I love you, Joseph. And I cannot wait until I see your beautiful brown eyes again, but this time full of life and love. Thank you all for reading.

My brother, the literal other half of me, took his life and I found him

My brother, 26, had everything going for him in life. He was extremely well loved and amazing at everything he attempted. He was living his dream sailing in the South Pacific with my father and had solid life plans going forward with a girlfriend he met there. I don’t know what to do. He was my idol, and my world. He came back to visit for 3 months and I found him and I feel like my life will never be the same. Before this incident I felt like I had it all, a great girlfriend, a family, we’re buying a house, and becoming totally independent, and I’m solid in a career I love. Now it feels like I just want to phase the days away. I see his body hanging there in my waking or sleeping mind and I can’t deal with it. Please, somebody help me with what I should do

My Soul Has Been Ripped From Me

My 15 year old brother took his own life on Monday.
The pain I’m experiencing is unbearable, I just wish
I went to sleep and woke up and everything was back to normal. I am so angry at people, I have so many unanswered questions, I wanna cry, yell , screem, hit, punch, I feel I’m going crazy and I dont know how to stop or deal with this pain, I can’t work without crying , I just wanna be home curled up in bed crying out loud, how do I deal with this pain? Can god answer me and give me my brother back, can he just walk back from heaven, I wasn’t ready for you to leave baby brother. I need you back chris..
I love you more than you would ever known ..

Missing My Brother

My little brother took his life about 4 1/2 months ago & tomorrow is his birthday(mine was Sunday) so it’s extremely difficult. I lost my mom a few years back, I feel my brothers loss in such a different way.i just miss him so. I have so many unanswered questions…I just don’t know what to do with all my sadness.

I’m Sorry I Couldn’t Save You

Big brother. When you left me, you took part of me with you. That morning I should have been paying closer attention. You were always taking care of me, standing up for me, and consoling me when something was wrong. You took me everywhere with you and the first 3 months of high school, we had never been closer. I didn’t mind ironing your shirt in the morning, because I knew that I would get a hug afterwards and a kiss on the head. You treated me so wonderfully.
That day, you let me pick out your outfit, you asked Mom to make your favorite thing for breakfast, you actually looked Dad in the eyes when we got out of the car and told him you loved him, and you called me . . . I’m so glad that I took that phone call, but I should have realized that you were about to do the unspeakable. The last thing you said to me was that you loved me. I waited for you after school, but you didn’t answer the phone. The buses had left already. It was too long of a walk to go home. I called Mom several times but she was still at work. I waited 2 hours. I was going to march straight into your room and ask you why you left me out there, but it wasn’t until we pulled in the driveway, the same time as Dad, we all had a feeling that you were just listening to your music to loud, or maybe you were watching a movie.
By the time we got to the porch, we could hear “Hey Joe” blaring from your speakers. All three of us went straight to your door and opened it.
Before I knew it I was screaming and sobbing like I had just lost my mind. All these strange people coming into my home and taking pictures of you. I threw up twice and the paramedics were going to sedate me. You left me. Your lips were already blue.
Mom and Dad listened to the tapes you left for them after the police gave them back to us. They questioned all of us separately and I couldn’t even speak a single word over my tears so I had to write down my answers. Half of my life was gone. And now as I reach another anniversary I really have spent half of my life missing you.
I’m never going to listen to the tape you left me. I want the last words you ever said to me be, “I love you.”

How Long

How long will I will i be angry at people? I feel like I cant relate to any of my friends when they talk about their problems. I hate everyone that complains about the smallest s*** and meanwhile I have a entire my mountain weighing down on my back.
I was not a bitter person before this loss, but now I find myself angry and bitter at others most of the time. And since most don’t know about my loss and this especially of this nature my distantness NO ONE understands.
When will this feeling stop?