Category Archives: Guest Post

what?

I got the call last Sunday. My 25 year old brother had hung himself. I’m 21. It’s now Friday, his funeral was today. Since the news, the week has flown by. All I do is lay on the couch next thing I know 9 hours has passed. I haven’t gotten up, ate, done anything in that period of time. Feeling guilt for everything. Watching a new movie he would’ve liked or drinking a red bull etc. I’ve felt like i’m in a dreams-like state the past almost week. When does the dream faze go away? When will I be here? How bad is this going to be when the dream is gone? How do you comprehend this?

To my 妹妹

I’m so sorry I failed you.
I miss you and I only just now realize the permanence of your absence.In a way, your timing was impeccable.Choosing to leave us right as your nephew arrived saved mom’s life
As for me, the sheer ecstasy of early postpartum shielded my consciousness from the intense grief, guilt, regret:
I hated how I didn’t bombarded you with baby pictures;
I hated how I said no to hypothetical aunty-baby dates you wanted to go on with your friends and their nieces and nephews;
I hated how I wouldn’t let you touch my then growing belly;
I hate that E will grow up never knowing you.

I wish I was less stuck up, I wished I had a bigger heart to love you more.

I am so sorry. I failed you. I didn’t see your suffering and couldn’t understand it. To be honest I still don’t comprehend it today.

I’m so sorry.

I wasn’t able to tell you goodbye

The phone rang around 8:00 a.m. on the morning of January 10, 2024. My older brother was up way too early to be calling me. It’s now been a little more than three months, yet the shock of the news of your death from the evening before delivered to me that day still saddens me, scares me, and leaves me with a sense of loss.

I write this letter to you trying to understand why my little brother would take his own life. I have felt guilt since you died. Did I do enough to let you know I was proud of you? Your struggles with incarceration and a drug addiction is something I never understood, but I still never stopped loving you. On the outside looking in, it appeared to me, mom, and our brothers and sisters that you had finally found your way in life.

I know there were times we didn’t agree. There were times I’m sure I hurt your feelings. I know I’m not responsible for your death, but I do feel guilty and am responsible for not doing enough to help you.

Until we meet again. Love and miss you brother.

Lost My Little Brother to Suicide

Hello,
I recently lost my younger brother (age 45) on 3/15/24 to suicide. I am now an only child when all I have known is having my brother. I thought we would grow old together. I thought he would always be there with me after my parents are gone. I have 2 daughters. He did not have any children and lived alone. He struggled to have relationships as he was judged. I think something really bad happened on the internet and I am so scared to find out what they may have been.I had to go over to my parent’s house in my pajamas the other morning as my mom called me sobbing. It is heartbreaking. I have been off this past week but go back to work tomorrow and as a provider, I had to have my staff put all the potentially suicidal patients on someone else’s schedule as I don’t think I could take it having to hear someone else wanting to end their life.

The oddest part is he wasn’t a depressed person or he hid it well. I had more issues with depression than he did. The morning of he sent me a text saying his facebook was hacked. He also had talked to my mom and seemed very upset about some interaction on the internet. None of us know what actually happened but there is an investigation and we are still waiting for information. Part of me wonders if he was going through something though.

It has hit me hard. I still think I am in some sort of nightmare and I will wake up and tell him that thank god this is not real. But I have not waken up and it has been almost 10 days.

Prayers to all of you who have had to endure this pain.

Missing my brother

My older brother took his own life very unexpectedly on January 22, 2024. He was discovered the next day by family. My heart is broken and I know I will never be the same. I had just talked to him a couple days before the incident and I knew he had been fighting with his wife. He told me he was very tired of it but I figured it was just another one of their episodes and he had always said he was tired of it. I wish I could go back and read the signs better and had gotten him some help. We don’t know the real reason he took his life and we will probably never know. It’s extremely painful not knowing the answers or reasons. I keep thinking about all our future plans and how we were suppose to grow old together. I miss everything about him. I do forgive him because he was truly unhappy in a lot of ways and he would always tells me that he was just venting and just wanted me to listen. I’m going to miss our calls and I am taking it day by day to get thru the grief.

I lost my younger brother and my soul is broken

I lost my younger brother on January 3rd, 2024. Im the oldest and have 4 kids of my own and I swear I felt like he was my kid too. He just turned 31 and has been battling with addiction for some time. I would try and check in with him and he would brush it off and say he’s fine.

He had so much going for him, I had him move back in with us because he was saying he didn’t like to be alone.

The night he passed, He apparently took way too much of multiple drugs including magic mushrooms and had a bad trip after a fight that had happened between him and a friend of ours I sent to check on him. He ended up jumping from our 6th floor balcony as they pretty much watched. I blame myself because I wasn’t home to save him or I shouldn’t have called the friend. I haven’t been the same, i don’t think I’ll ever be the same. I’m struggling with this hard and just want my brother back.

My Little Brother

October 19th 2021 the link in our chain was broken, the oldest of my 2 brothers was gone, he took his own life. Handsome, funny, brilliant. He discovered his wife of 21 years was cheating on him, is that the reason why? We will never know. Having lost my husband and parents, I know grief but not this kind. I miss him. I was your big sister, I wish you would have reached out instead of this rash decision. Forever loved & missed.

10/4 The worst day of my life I lost my brother m

At 38 weeks pregnant I received the news that my younger brother took his own life. I am one of four kids and him and I were the middle kids we had a special bond. It has only been 4.5ish months but I’m starting to get bigger waves of grief. I think due to the fact that I couldn’t process what was happening at the time because I had to have a baby via c section the following week. Then I had to try and be happy because that’s what having a baby is supposed to feel. The first months I’ve blacked out for the most part and honestly I’ve just been moving on day to day for my 3 kids and trying to keep going. This feeling of the why haunts me everyday. I’ve read the grief books but I still feel like this isn’t real this can’t be my life. Whenever I’m with my parents I try and put on a strong front for them so they don’t need to worry and they can just focus on grieving my brother.

Hi W

I’ve started to feel some anger now. It never really crossed my mind in the early years bc I just missed you and was trying to protect you from any person that would suggest anything bad about you. Now I’m starting to feel angry. It has been a decade. I was just so frozen. I didn’t want to be mad at you really. I was concentrating on the pain you must have felt. It’s been years of pressure from declining parents and unrest with siblings. It’s been so tiring. I can’t even begin to describe the impact. Mom and Dad declined so much and it’s been so hard. I really wish you had been here for support. I really needed you. We all did and do. Some how I picture you up there in heaven having a good time and that makes me mad. It has just been so much suffering. In another way I am comforted by this thought of you doing well but in another way I’m angry. Why did this have to happen? Why did it get so bad? I guess I’m stronger now but I didn’t want the strength to come like this and for this reason. I feel like I don’t have much more to give. It’s been so much caregiving. I’m so tired. I just really wish you’d be able to come back. For comfort. I miss you and all the fun times we had.

6 Days After Turning 49

I just lost my younger brother to suicide on December 27, 2023. He had just turned 49 on December 21st. He is the baby of the family out of all 4 of us siblings and I am only a year and a half older than him. We were very close throughout most of our lives. I was his only sister and tried to always be there for him. I am a wreck. My heart physically hurts and the guilt is overwhelming. I am still numb. I’m having trouble sleeping and eating.
He was diagnosed bipolar and fighting mental illness for a long time. I’m struggling to wrap my head around him being gone.
I have never felt this kind of sorrow.
Love you always my little Brother.