Half My Life Without My Brother

I lost my older brother almost 15 years ago. I had already outlived him by the age of 16.
Now I’m sitting at home, with no job and no way of contributing to my household. My anxiety, PTSD and depression reared it’s hurtful desires to consume me once again. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of my brother. He was my best friend. The day that I got married I always pictured my brothers smiling face staring at me while my life became whole. I am afraid that it just simply doesn’t happen for someone like me. I will never be whole. There will always be a part of me that is broken over the loss. There are some days where I still can’t believe he is gone. I search for his face everywhere I go, even though I watched him being buried. I thought he was playing the cruelest joke on me when I saw him laying there dressed up. It wasn’t until they told me that they had to close the casket and I kissed him gently on the forehead that I finally realized he was actually gone and left me to take care of mom and dad by myself. When have I had enough pain in my life?

love you wehhee

Today makes a month and two days since you decided to leave and it hasn’t gotten any easier yet. I still hope and pray that you’re at peace and that you don’t have the pain that you had when you were here on earth.
I saw you in my dream tonight – it woke me up, because you were alive and seemed so close. we were together and you weren’t shut off to me like you were before you died. it was nice to think you were near to me for a little while.
I still barely sleep, but I’m starting to be able to more. same with eating. everywhere reminds me of you while I’m back home. it’s still so raw and unreal. people don’t really get it – I’ve been at NL this week and people will ask me how mom and dad are or about you and the memorial (ten days away) or they will say they’re sorry, but they don’t understand what it’s like for me when they say some of the things they say. it hurts.
I love you and I miss you so much. you’ll always be big brother. I still haven’t figured out what life is without you, but brother, I don’t think I’ll ever like it as much as I loved you. I’m terrified about losing em now that you’re gone (he loves you, too). say hi to ken for me <3 – maybe I’ll see you in my dreams again.

Little brother

It’s been a year and 3 months now… I don’t really even know where to begin… Ever since the day that it happened and I seen you laying there, cold, I’ve never felt like I was able to cope, or even ever have the time. I hid, I broke and fell, and when other people around, I stood tall and stayed strong for them. I never gave myself the chance to let out all the emotions that came with losing you… Even today when mom brings you up and wants to talk about it, all I feel like I can do is act emotionless and be an ear for her to listen to. I tell her what she wants to hear even though I think differently.
I miss you a lot man, and I don’t know how to cope with losing you. I’ve been trying for this past year to “move on” and it just feels like the more I try to move on, the more I forget… I look at a picture of you now and I don’t recognize you anymore… Neither can I listen to a recording of you and be able to tell that it’s you… I don’t know who you are anymore and I feel numb at the thought of you. Numb in a way that makes me feel like “it’s ok, I’m living my life”. I feel terrible, and guilty. But I don’t know what else to do…
Why did I have to dream about it before it happened and not be able to recognize it or do anything about it…? You doing that forced me to watch OUR favorite show’s final episode, by myself… For the first time in my entire life, I had to watch our favorite show, without you. I feel like I lost more than just you, I feel like I lost nearly 3/4 of who I am… Everyday since that day I can feel myself faking all the emotions like it doesn’t matter… You just wait until I get up there and kick your butt… I’ll have a lot of stories to tell you.

How?

How am I expected to continue to live after you’re gone? How am I watching my family crumbling still, 2 years later with grief, yet everything and everyone else is moving as if nothing ever happened?
How am I supposed to live with the guilt of not helping you and ignoring you at the time you needed ME the most????? I know I could’ve prevented this. But instead I’m stuck with the consequence and living a life with out you – my only best friend, my brother. Waking up each and every morning has become a daunting task, an unbearable reality. I miss you so much it’s not even humanly possible. I’ll die a thousand times over if it meant you would be alive now instead of me. How does anyone live with this type of guilt?

Jake

“I woke up in the morning and I didn’t want anything, didn’t do anything, couldn’t do it anyway, just lay there listening to the blood rush through me and it never made any sense, anything.” It’s been over a month since you shot yourself, and I’ve only now found something that puts how I’m feeling into words. “And it never made any sense, anything” is how I feel. You are such a huge part of my life, and now you’re gone. I’m not religious, and I don’t know if we’re going to see each other again. That thought scares me to my core. I hope your soul is somewhere, existing. I hope you’re happy, and I hope my soul meets yours again. F***, Jake, I miss you so much.
Love, Emma

Both siblings gone

Last year I finally managed to get pregnant and my daughter was born in September. By October though, my sister was dead. She’d met my baby just once. I still feel quite numb to her death in the haze of new parenthood, and feel so so sad for our own parents. They are beside themselves with grief. There’s also a massive sense of dejavu since my brother also took his life 12 years ago. It’s strange to think I was the youngest of 3 and now I have no siblings left. It’s also sad to think my daughter will have no siblings (not possible), no aunts or uncles, or even first cousins (my partner was an only child). For the second time in my life I’ve had to deliver a eulogy, this time with no preparation and on little sleep, but overall I find it hard to understand why my sister would decide to go when knowing the affect it would have on my parents, and the support they gave, and would’ve continued to give her. I know my folks are questioning if I’d do the same, and no amount of reassurance helps. I can’t help wondering if there is something in our family that puts us at risk, or indeed if people around me are wondering the same. It’s hard to make sense of it happening twice.

I Lost My Little Sister.

It’s been two weeks since my sister committed suicide. She was such a happy person and she was always very open about her feelings, I don’t understand how this could have happened. My mom says it’s because she had a tough year with her studies and couldn’t bear the news that she failed the first entry exam she took. She worked so much and didn’t even wait to see if she got in the others schools.
I feel like it still hasn’t fully sunk in yet. I thought her funerals would help me get out of my denial but there is still a part of me that can’t believe it. I hadn’t seen her in 10 months because I was studying abroad so I feel like I have no clear memories of her, all I have is some texts and blurry screenshots from our rare video calls. My mom tells me about all the things they did together this year and I feel like I missed on so much.
I also feel so guilty. I never showed her how much I loved her. We would have had to live together for money reasons if she got into the school she applied for in Paris because I was going to study here too. She knew I had a friend who was looking for a roomate and I wanted to live with them instead of her. She probably felt very hurt because of that and there’s no way it didn’t influence her wish to die. I’ll never forgive myself for this.

My Brother I Grew Up With

It’s 5/24/2019 today and I came home to the most unbelieveable of news, my mother told me my brother had committed suicide. He was my younger brother at 29 years old, a week before his 30th birthday. He was only 3 years younger than me so we grew up together. I never had any friends growing up so he was the only person I could talk to, talk about videogames, cartoons, toys, movies, anything.
It’s unbelieveable you are gone. I always imagined you would be the one with a family and kids and do better than me, you were already doing far better than me making more money than I’d ever see in my lifetime, your own apartment, everything.
I don’t know why you did it. Our mother and father are devastated, but more importantly is the impact you had on our younger siblings. Our sister is only 15 years old, she loved you and idolized you, do you know what impact your death will have on her for the rest of her life? Do you realize what it’s like for a 15 year old girl to lose her older brother unexpectedly? Do you realize you caused her depression for the rest of her life? That it’s possible in the future when she feels depressed, she’ll think, “my brother committed suicide, maybe I should do it too.” Seriously, what were you thinking? Were you not thinking of her at all when you did it? You’ll never see her smiling face again, or our brothers, do you realize how much joy you gave them? I would have thought our younger siblings would have been enough to keep you going, they should have been enough.
I’m sitting here in tears as well. Who am I going to talk to for the rest of my life? There was no reason you couldn’t have come here, called us one last time, come over and just stay here at home. Now I’m going to think for the rest of my life how I lost my brother on this date every single day. I’m still in shocked, and as the months and years will go on, I’ll never get over this day.
You had your whole life ahead of you, I’m halfway into my 30’s and know the next 20-30+ years will be completely differently and full of opportunities and change. Taking your life so young is so depressing and a travesty. I don’t know what we’re going to think going forward, but I miss you already and its only been a day. And now I have to think about this for my next 40+ years till I’m 80? God******.
I hope our brother and especially sister can live happy lives. I hope that whereever you are, you know we all miss you and will think of you forever. This had no reason to happen, I’m going to look back on this post decades from now and still be in the same shock I’m in today. I can’t believe the last thing I said to you was, “I’m going to sleep now, so long, I guess you have to leave.” You were happy just a week ago talking about movies/shows, with the family. Why’d you have to make it the last time? I miss you so damn much. Goodbye, Michael, I miss you so much. Our family didn’t have to be split up like this, we had so much going for us. You had so much. Thank you for lending me RE3 of all things just to play through it, now I’m going to remember this as the last thing you sent to me. Feels like a dream.
I’m going to go to bed and wish I could see you tomorrow but I know I won’t. Why. Why. If you can somehow read this or see the family, you were the best. I hope we’ll be reunited someday, I pray to God there is an afterlife. LOVE YOU.

My Beautiful Sister

Still not accepted what has happened on May 2nd, my sister, mother of my 3 beautiful nieces and gorgeous nephew decided to end her life. I wish I onew how bad it was I wish she told me, she was always my rock and I just wish I could have been hers, I knew of the demons and I know she knew how much we all loved her, I just want to hold her and hear her voice, if I could hold her one last time I would never let her go, I would have dropped everythi g to help her and just wished she leaned on me more. My darling Sister.