Forever changed

On April 18, 2019 my world has forever changed! You had SO much going for you! You where only 31.. We never seen it coming. You were always happy always the strong level headed one.. you were my big bubba. The one I looked up to when I needed advice or anything at that matter. I requested broken halos be played at your service.. I keep trying to relate to the song went is says.. don’t go looking for the reasons. Don’t go asking Jesus why. We’re not meant to know the answers. They belong to the by and by. But I keep asking why. I am at the point where I can hardly sleep, eat or even think straight. When I lay down all I can think of is you laying in that bed. Wondering what was your final thoughts? Are you at peace now? I know I am not alone and you are here with me. You are showing me day after day. I have never felt something so strong when you show me a sign. I use to try to find a logical reason behind it.. but there wasn’t any. It makes me a little at peace knowing you are okay and looking down on me.. Me and momma are doing our best with making sure everything you listed in your letters are taken care of.. I hope we are making you proud! My heart aches and feels so empty with out you here.. I am getting to the point at times I feel completely numb. And don’t know how to deal with the situation still. Just know that we love you and there is never a day that goes by that we don’t think of you. You will always be my bubba and I can’t wait to see you again!

My beloved brother

How did we get here? How am I on this site? I miss you so much it is unbearable. What does one do when you yearn for someone this much? Its been a year and I cannot shrug this grief that chokes me up every-time I think of you. My love I would have walked to the ends of the earth for you, but now its too late. And i’m just stuck trying to live a lifetime with only the memories of you. How is it possible to live with this kind of guilt? I pray you forgive me for not being there for you as you always have for me. I will always hate myself for not picking up your call.

My brother

January 3, 2019 changed my life for the worst. The day started off with worry anyway. My 12 year old nephew (my sister’s  son) was having gallbladder surgery. And to top it off it was my sister’s birthday. Well after they got to come home, my little brother Lance sat on the back of the 4 wheeler and put a shot gun to his head and killed himself. The worst part of it was my sister and another brother and my brother Lance’s 4 year old daughter and his wife were all outside with him when he shot himself.

Now this is where it gets even worse. The brother T is also a kidney dialysis patient and isn’t doing good at all. So not only did I lose my littlest brother, I’m also going to lose my brother T. I live 4 hrs away from them and just didn’t know anything like this was going on. I have so many questions that will never be answered. Why didn’t Lance just get a divorce? How did I not know all this was going on? I just can’t understand any of this.

To my beloved sister, Samantha

It has exactly been 2 years since you’ve left this earth but why does it feel like everything happened yesterday? I’ve replayed the moment of finding your helpless body in my head, over and over. I’ve spent a lot of time over these two years, coming to the actualization that your physical body is gone but knowing that your soul is around and watching over me. You were my older beautiful sister that I’ve always admired and looked to as a role model. No one would have thought you were going through the unimaginable. I’ve always stood by your side but a part of me feels guilt. Thinking I could’ve convinced you not to take your own life and fight your battle with me, mom and dad as your supporters. Something I’ve realized is even with constant help and love, it’ll never change an individual feelings deep down. Mental illness is a real thing and a challenge to overcome. Some win the battle, other lose.

Some days are better than others with distracting myself with school and work but others I fall to my knees and cry uncontrollably. Why take such a beautiful soul? We weren’t done appreciating, loving and caring for you.

I talk too you all the time, Samantha. Having the slightest hope that you’re listening and realize how much me, mom and dad miss you. Life will never be the same.

My Brother

My brother committed suicide one month ago today. We don’t learn of this until his body was found in his apartment one week after he shot himself. Some friends became worried when they did not hear from him and called the police. He had struggled with depression for many years and often withdrew from us.

Because he was adopted into our family at the age of six, he had significant attachment issues which people did not understand fifty years ago. He was my big brother and I loved him with all my heart. I miss him terribly. Our whole family is devastated. My father died of an aortic aneurism over 30 years ago, and my brother never fully recovered from that loss. He married but the marriage didn’t last. He had no children.

He served in the military for six years, then returned to our hometown and established a landscaping business. He had to give that up when his health became compromised due to excessive use of alcohol and cigarettes. He was brave and he tried so hard to overcome his addictions and his pain, but I guess the voices in his head telling him his life was worthless became louder than those telling him how very loved he was.

So many people have shared with us the wonderful things that he did to help them. He has left behind many, many broken hearts, but also beautiful memories that will never die. R.I.P., Bobby. Your baby sister, three big sisters, mom, nephews, nieces, brothers-in-law, and scores of friends love and miss you like crazy.

The sister who cried wolf.

It’s been 3 days since your body was discovered, but you passed a week before this. I thought you was in safe hands but it seems not. You cried out so many times you’d take your own life, even attempted it failing. This time you succeeded. I feel the system failed you and so did I 🙁 . I love you Emma and I hope the suffering is no more . Dance in the sky … xx

I’m Sorry.

I miss my little brother so much. He took an overdose just over a year ago. He was always the cool, funny one. He was always my favourite. He was so creative an clever and used to make me really nice things. Candlesticks, a carved stone, drawings…. Really thoughtful person. I just miss him a lot.
I keep thinking though, of every time I said something that hurt him. Or made him sad. Things when we were children and when we were older. He was really sensitive I think. And I keep feeling so incredibly guilty for leaving him alone when I left home. Home was always pretty claustrophobic and when I left, about 9 years ago now, I somewhat selfishly sunk myself into a new life, and didn’t speak to my family much including him and I dont know why. It was round about that time that he started to get depressed. I wish he knew that I really loved him and was proud of him so much.
I always thought he was going to be just fine, that he would pull through. I imagined him hanging out with me and my friends, us being older and having our own houses. I always pictured him in my life.
And then I feel so guilty because maybe I didn’t take it seriously enough. He tried once before and I told myself it was a cry for help and he didn’t really mean to do it. I didn’t listen enough. I wasn’t kind enough. I didn’t listen enough. Wasn’t there enough.
I loved him so much, but I never really made sure he knew. Did he know?? I’ve no idea. I just miss him a lot and hate that he felt so alone and stuck. I hate that I left him alone all those years ago, and just was waiting for the point that he would follow, but it was too long.
I also keep wondering things I can’t know the answer to… Was he abused in that time? Did something really bad happen? I keep having dreams where something has happened to him and I haven’t helped him.
I miss him so much.

Stace

I lost you. On April 9, you disappeared from my life. You were my only sister, and may have been the only person on the planet that would know the real me. To think that you were alone and afraid torments my every waking thought. I am so afraid that I cannot recover, and simultaneously afraid to recover. Everything I loved seems meaningless. The things we shared are impossible to forget, yet I am grasping for each memory, terrified to lose even one. Facing the night is just a horrible segue to an even more painful day. I miss you.