Category Archives: Guest Post

2.5 Years… Never Forgotten!

Its been 2.5 years since my younger brother took his life, I remember that day as if it was yesterday.. I wrote every month for 1 year on this site, and going back to each letter and response has made me realize, that although time does heal a broken heart, it sure is not forgiving. It has been easier to deal with the reality that I will never ever see my brother again, at least not in this lifetime but it gives me some hope that I will be with him in heaven someday, I have to believe he is in a much better place now. For those whom recently lost loved ones, I understand your unbearable pain, the immense anxiety, the painful memories, feeling sick as if life has beaten you down to the point that you cannot think straight, crying every night until you can’t anymore AND the worst part “regret” could I have done something, why wasn’t I there to help, why why why?? You are not alone, many of us on this site have gone through this and we helped each other by posting our pain.. For me, its been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, my parents suffer everyday for the rest of their life, my mom died that day with my brother, although she’s breathing and staying alive for me & my older brother and dad but she is so sad and lifeless.. She listens to my brothers voice mail recording everyday & talks to him, many times shes asking god to take her so she can be with my brother. November 29,2017 changed the course of our life forever. My dad (80yrs) found my brother, he shot himself in the head. My parents did not deserve to live their retirement this way, they worked so hard & loved us unconditionally, provided for us, gave us so much love! My brother had been diagnosed with MS and he felt it was the end of the world, he became very negative, unhappy, depressed and especially angry.. NEVER ever crossed our minds he would take his life, we are an extremely close family he knew we would do anything for him.. We failed him and that is how we will live the rest of our life, feeling that we should have been aware but “what if” is not going to bring him back. We are faced with the harsh reality that he made that decision for whatever reason and did not think of how this decision would destroy his family. Please if you are reading this and have had suicidal thoughts, I hope by reading this makes you understand that although you may think by leaving this life may be a good way of escaping please know the people you leave behind that love you will be left devastated, their life will be ruined, please seek help, I tell you from experience my brother changed our life we had no say in it, we were forced to live the rest of our lives with this unbearable pain that only people that have gone through this type of loss understands. This site has been a blessing, although this is not a desirable site, meaning the only reason we are on it is because of losing a loved one by suicide, it has helped me so much because when I had just lost my brother I felt so alone, I did not want to hear from people (family & friends) that did not understand my pain, when I found this site I knew I was not alone and started to write letters to my brother, the responses I received were so heartfelt and I found some comfort here. May god bless you, please know, this will somehow get easier. Lastly, Sergio, I think about you everyday, I miss you so much, I can’t wait to hear your voice, hug you, kiss you & spend eternity with you.. I love you Serg your sis Always & Forever!

I lost my brother 04-03-2020 Franklin (Randy)

I would like to share my story with everyone about my brother Franklin  (Randy) . On March 23 2020 I received a phone call from my brother’s girlfriend telling me that my brother was missing since 12:30 PM that day I never thought that he would leave and stay gone I had figured that he might have gotten mad about something and just let for a couple days and he would be back. We made post and shared them on Facebook and Twitter, and Instagram people from all over the country shared our posts and prayers. On Friday April 04 2020 I took off a day for vacation and decided that I was going to take my 81 year old father for a ride through the Mountains of Augusta County Virginia. Before we left a cousin sent me a Facebook message telling me that the Police and the Rescue Squad had been good up and down the Mountain all morning long so I had got to my father’s place and helped him get ready to take a ride. The first place that we went to was the place that I received the message about as I started and made the turn there was a sherriff ‘s car at the mountain road we stopped and the sheriff’s deputie told us that we could not go to far my response was that we were looking for my brother,so I was asked to steal out of the vehicle and talk out my drivers license. After taking my license and getting in his car my license was returned to me in I was told that the sheriff would like to speak with me up the road and would not tell me anything until I get to the sheriff after speaking with him it was my brother and he had been dead for 24 hours. Some times I blame myself for not going up there the Saturday before that but he might not have been there then I am still numb and feel angry and sad but I will learn to deal with everything and would like to speak with a group of people and tell them how it feels to loose a loved one to suicide

Forgetting about Luisa

My only sister took her own life 4 months ago. Contrary to many, I do not like thinking about her, and regurgitate in all the pain. We did not live together in the last 10 years of her life, although we were very close. Nobody in our family speaks about it, and I feel her face, voice and memories fading in my head. It’s so sad how everyone is at the funeral, and 3 months down the line nobody even thinks about it. Long and forgotten, that hurts! At only 26 years of age, what a waste of all the wonderful things she still had to do and experience. I don’t remember her tenderly, I don’t forgive her for leaving me with all the mess, my parents, all the pain. I wouldn’t have done that to her. She wrote a letter saying goodbye and I’m sorry, but that will never be enough. If anybody has ever found a non religious way to forgive a sibling who has committed suicide, please be a friend and tell me how. It’s such a weight, such anger, such dissapointment. Why were we not enough for her to fight through her bipolar disorder, why couldn’t she call and ask for help. Now she has left an infinite void in my heart and it’s there and scary at the end of every single day.

I helped raise him.

I’m a big sister to 2 brothers. 7 and 9 years younger than me. Our dad died when they were in kindergarten and 2nd grade. I was at the end of my freshman year when daddy died. I stepped up and really took an active role in my baby brother’s lives. They were always with me. I took care of them both. I always shared a closer bond with my oldest baby brother, Gary. We were so close for so long. We drifted apart some in the last few years. But I still couldn’t ever tell him no. And tried even if I was mad at him to take care of him no matter what. And he made that hard. Where as he would never take from his friends or strangers. I was fair game and he kept taking advantage of me. I hate myself for staying so mad at him throughout the last two years of his life. No matter how legitimate of a reason he would give me. On Dec 5 2019. I’ll never forget mom calling me screaming. She found him. He had hung himself in our shop in front of our house. My world shattered. I didn’t plan on arranging the funeral. But I had to bc mom was too distraught. It hurts everyday. I miss him so bad. I feel like such a failure. If only I could of been a better big sister. I knew he needed me. My heart is shattered. A go fund me page I set up paid for his funeral. Now we have to figure out how to get him a headstone. No clue how I’m gonna swing that. If only I could have one more chance to be the sister he needed me to be. He left behind a 4 year old princess of a daughter. She looks just like him. Seeing her breaks my heart. She won’t remember him. She told me a couple weeks ago she was starting to forget him. I cried all night. I cry in secret everyday still. It is such a nightmare.

Adam

A few weeks ago my 17 year old brother Adam killed himself. I was off at my first year of college, and during the week my parents called me and told me he hung himself. I always knew he battled with depression and anxiety, but within the last few months he really seemed to be improving. New meds, new girlfriend, lost a ton of weight, and he seemed to be genuinely doing well. A week prior to his death I was talking to him and he told me that he was happy and he fixed everything he wanted to. But then he killed himself. He never really opened up fully to me or it seems anyone about his struggles, but he genuinely sounded happy when he told me he was happy. After a lot of thinking I’ve come to the conclusion that although he was truly happy, he still could not outrun his biological problems. But now it’s been a few weeks that he’s been gone and it just hurts. I feel like I was numb before, but now it’s just hard to accept. We were the only two in our family, and my parents are a mess, and it’s been really hard to take care of my own well being while also helping with theirs. I feel this gaping hole in me is just growing every day now and I don’t feel like it’s going to end anytime soon.

Lost

One year went by without seeing your face. One full year without hearing his laughter. I often wish you were a selfish and careless brother so I wouldn’t have to feel the pain to this magnitude. But you were an incredibly selfless, kind, loving soul not deserving of this world. Waking up every morning is heart shattering knowing I let you down when you needed me the most. I miss you so much it literally feels like my heart is bleeding. I wish it could have been me and not you. It doesn’t matter anymore and I’m stuck here alone without you. Lost.

My Brother

On Christmas Day I went to message family and friends wishing them best wishes. I was on holiday in Mexico so had limited access to my phone etc… this is when I found out that on the 23rd December 2019 my little brother (33yrs) had jumped off a bridge into tidal water . My world went from me in second. His body was finally found on the 15th January 2020. I’ve never felt pain like it I’m totally heartbroken. The days seem to be getting harder as the realisation grows more and more everyday. I have to be thankful that he was found to give me closure but things just seem so hard! He struggled with mental health but he didn’t show much emotion (like myself) he struggled to share his feelings. We worked together everyday and now I have this huge hole in my life. Thankfully before I went on holiday I had told him I loved him and I’m always here for him no matter what! I loved him so much and we had such good memories together all our life. My life will never be the same again , all I can do is believe that he is waiting for me and we will meet again , his mind is finally at rest and peace. It’s just so hard to carry on, people say it does get easier but I honestly will never get over this loss!

Remembering my brother

My brother committed suicide on 10th of January 2020th. He chose the least painful method – carbon monoxide poisoning. Our family is filled with grief, confusion and anger which seem to increase every single day. I miss him and I love him more than anything in the world, I wish I told him I loved him more and showed more emotion. I’ll always picture him with a beer in one hand and a joint in the other, smiling, from ear to ear.
Hold on people, rough times will pass. Remember how your passed brother or sister made you a better person and hold onto that. Remember them by the traits they gave you and live on.

TBS

I lost my brother to suicide 15 years ago when I was 8 years old. He was much older than I was and struggled with alcoholism and addiction. He was not around a lot and I struggle to remember much from that age. Sometimes I feel guilty because I know there are people who had much more time and a much stronger relationship with the sibling they lost, than I had with mine.
As I’ve entered adulthood, I’ve started to struggle more with his death than I did when it actually happened and have started to see the effects it’s had on my relationships as I’ve gotten older. I found this site and I think I needed to vent to an audience that could understand and maybe help me feel a little less crazy that even with limited memories and a lot of time, I still can’t seem to shake the feeling of abandonment. I know there was little I could do to help at such a young age, but all I can think is “I wish I had been enough”.
I really wish I had had more time with him. I still think about him everyday and what it would be like to really know him.

The only thing I could think was “why him?”

I lost my brother to suicide on February 1st 2019, I was only 12 years old. I still am 12 years old. He was found on February 2nd, that was day my life fell apart. I would not like to go into detail about how, why, and multiple other things in respect of his privacy. (He was a very private person, also paranoid) but one thing I will always remember about that day is the call. I was out with my friends roller skating. Crazy enough that same night I almost hyperextend my knee, I thought that it was the worst thing that could happen that night. Little did I know I was so terribly wrong. I remember calling my mom and saying that I needed her to come get me. Then when it had been about 15 minutes I called her in pain asking where she was, I honestly thought something was wrong and I was worried about her being hurt. Looking back now I was right but it was a wrong type of hurt. I called her again when it had been almost an hour. That’s when I was told my brother had been missing for the past 6 and a half hours. I was already crying from my knee but suddenly I was out. Not passed out but I realized about 3 months later that I was having a panic attack. I couldn’t really hear it was muffled and covered by my thoughts, I could see for I was crying hysterically. Friends didn’t know what happening since I couldn’t bring myself to speak. Finally when I got my words out they just went silent I don’t blame them I didn’t know what to say in that moment either. There not very much more in my story that I feel comfortable sharing except for one thing. When you think of your siblings you think of them in the way you remember the happy, exciting, always full of life people. Then suddenly when you see them laying in their coffin it’s like that’s the only thing you can see. One final thing. And I don’t know if other people can relate to this or if they can’t it really just depends on the way the person passed, but when you look at photos you see one person and when you see they in their caskets you see another. I remember I started to have a small panic attack and all I could keep saying was it doesn’t look like him, it’s not him, no this isn’t him, they put too much makeup, why do you look different, this isn’t ok, and more that I can’t think of. Thank you for listening to my story.