Category Archives: Guest Post

From Womb to 39

Subject: From Womb to 39
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We shared the same classes, friends, cars, jobs…I am clueless how to do life without you. I’m now a twineless twin, after 39 years.9 months have passed, time is standing still and moving too fast. Half of my DNA, heart and soul were roughly ripped away from me on 3/17/23…The day both of us died. Physically, only you.

This pain is far too intense. The antidepressants take the edge off a little.

I’m so sorry we had such a tough upbringing and depression ended up taking your life. I could never ever be mad at you for leaving me. I was there first hand to witness everything in your life that brought you to that moment in the woods.

We had such big plans. I’ll try to keep them going alone.

Sis, I love and miss you more than I could have never imagined. I will find you one day, wherever you are. You will always be my #1!

Forever 30

5 months ago today. I feel like I have so much to get off my chest but I can’t find the words. I keep beating myself up about our last few years together…. I knew we both had scars, but I never expected to get that call. You had so much to live for… just a couple weeks before you’d talked me out a funk with your typical irreverent and hilarious wit. So many memories that I share with only you…. they’re only mine now I guess. I always pictured us getting old together with rocking chairs and shot guns on a porch sipping sun tea in the morning and home brew in the evening telling stories to the grandchildren. Second hand lions style… I’m doing my best for mom and baby sis and kids. I hope it’s enough. I hope I’m making you proud little brother. I miss you like hell but I hope you’re at peace. I hope that money I left with you was enough to pay the ferryman.

My birthday

It was my birthday and instead of a phone call wishing me happy birthday I got a phone call that you you were dead. I replay that day in my head constantly when I am alone yet try my best to forget it . Instead of eating birthday cake I cleaned up the mess that you made. My birthday is no longer my birthday but a reminder of you taking your own life, I don’t even know how old I am anymore because that birthday went black. I hate my birthday . The day of my birthday and three days before dad’s birthday, twenty one days before Christmas you took your life by a gun. I was so angry, upset and confused when it first happened I could not grasp my head as to WHY DID YOU DO THIS? WHY!! I knew that you were dealing with some demons but you seemed better. You were coming around more often, but then you did this. I’ve learned that I will never get the answer as to why you did this – why didn’t you wish me a happy birthday, why didn’t you just come over , why did you do this? So I’ve learned to accept it . But dad has gotten really bad. He’s turned to drinking and worse after grandma died. He is still blaming her for your suicide and he is still angry. He’s talked about suicide and I went into a spiral. Your mom tries to come with gifts signed by you, but no type of money will bring you back or make this okay. I miss you so much and I wish I could just get my one question answered. Please look over mom and dad… please please please. I can’t handle any more hurt or leaving. Please just do that for me. Keep them healthy and protected so I can have them here longer.

Dear Devin

It is killing me to write this letter. I know I have to because I need to do something to help me not go crazy. I am heartbroken. The little things it takes to do take 1,000,000 % of effort. Why? Why did you have to do this.? There was another way. We are a small family as it is. Now we’re smaller. The last time we talked I heard the pain in your voice. Why didn’t you just say Chris, I need you big brother. I would have been there. I feel like this is a sick joke. I’m never going to be the same again. I will never know what it feels like not to hurt. People can say it’s not my fault but it doesn’t help. I’m angry, sad, distraught all at the same time. I have to be the man of our family ALONE NOW!!!!! THIS WAS NOT HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE!!!!! OUR DAD IS SICK. OUR MOM WORKS AND IS TRYING TO PURSUE HER DREAM AS A NURSE! WE HAVE AN AUNT THAT ONLY HAS US!!!!! AND YOU LEAVE!!!!!!!! I feel terrible for feeling angry but I do. I know you were struggling. You must have been in a lot of pain. All you had to do was call. Why didn’t you just call? We could have got through this together. As a team. As brothers. Now it’s me. All I can think about is the good times. Those times bring me pain. I can’t look at your pictures. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to. I don’t know if I’ll ever be truly understood because of this situation. People say there is nothing I could have done..maybe that’s true. I just wished we could have talked. Maybe I could have gotten you help….I know as a kid you suffered from dyslexia. I hated that for you. I don’t know if kids made fun of you or not but I would have beat them up for you. God this hurts. Why are we allowed to feel this kind of pain? I know your will be done but I am in so much hurt it is almost unbearable. I was supposed to protect you. I feel like I failed you. How can I inspire so many others on YouTube but the one person I wanted to get through, I couldn’t. Nobody will ever know how that feels. I really don’t even want to talk because I’m just repeating myself and I know most people can’t understand. God is my strength but I am barely holding on. This is my new normal. I see why people get high and stay high. To feel numb. This pain is something different. This situation is unique. I don’t even really want to talk about it any more. I don’t know..I am just lost.

Brother died last week

Im having constant images of him dying as I imagine and it’s the most disturbing images of my life. I couldn’t watch a horror movie the same way this week as I had the last. I could barely watch anything. I don’t blame him or think he’s weak or a coward. He will be my bright shining brother till I join him, wherever that may be.

To anyone suffering tonight as I am this is for you. I don’t like people much, truth be told. But this post isn’t for them. It’s for my now secret club of sibling suicide that I can’t believe I’m a part of. I feel like im being swallowed up in sadness. Now I walk this world more alone.

You should always end something with hope I guess. I guess that’s for others. We will be stronger than them.

Bubba

Hi bubba, it’s your little sister. It’s so difficult to live without you when holidays are coming up and my 21st birthday. You won’t be here to get drunk with me and party for the first time. You won’t be here for Christmas or Halloween or thanksgiving bubba. You passed in Nov of 2017 and it’s been so hard. I’m missing you a lot tonight Brandon.
Sometimes I wish it was me instead of you. You were so loved B. I love you so much.

Happy birthday

Hey. It’s almost been 2 years since you lost your battle with depression and obviously you’ll never see this or know, but you would have been 28 today if you’d stuck around and I feel I should acknowledge it somewhere. We all miss you so much. I wonder what you would have done today. It’s obviously really late, but happy 26th birthday. It will haunt me forever that I forgot to wish you a happy birthday the last one you were alive for and that you were so alone for it and had this plan already in place. Two years ago you were sitting alone somewhere. Had you already ordered the poison? Did you know which motel you’d go to? Did you know how much we loved you? That depression runs in the family and we could have talked and held on together? That dad, our brother, and I all have that empty void and were just figuring shit out one day at a time too? Did you know that you weren’t alone?

I love you even though you aren’t here anymore and I had to get this off my chest even though you’ll never know…

Love, Your big sister

6 years today

Wow, I don’t know where to start. Its been a while since I’ve been on this site. But here we go.
6 years today. Feels like yesterday. Your picture hangs in my cubical. I see you everyday and miss you so much. So much has gone on. I struggle, I drink, I overeat. But I’m trying. It does get easier but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t want to call you or text you about something. I read some of the other posts and they call each other soulmates. What a great description of their relationships. I think that is what ours was too. Damn it, I miss you so much. Your two best friends reached out to me today. I hope you know how much they loved you too. Christ now I’m crying at work typing this. I love you and miss you so much!!!

For my baby sister, Kiara.

I wish you’d receive this.
I wish you’d rip open the letter like you would rip open the wrapping on your christmas presents when you were little. I wish I could watch you read it and I wish I could see a smile on your face as you read it silently.

You were always so protective of my feelings. You guarded them like it was the most special thing in the world to you. I couldn’t be sad without you being there for me and helping me feel better in every way. You stuck up for me like no one else when you didn’t even have to. You were my little sister.

I keep thinking back to just 8 months ago when we were in the back of the car on the way to the cliff in Greece. I was annoyed beyond recovery and you waited until everyone got out of the car and then looked over at me and asked me if i wanted a hug before getting out of the car. You gave me the nicest and most affectionate hug that i had felt from you in years- it almost put me to tears.. and then you said something to me, i forgot what you said and that makes me sad. Little did i know that i was about to get engaged. You were the only one that was in on it and you wanted me to go out there with a good head on my shoulders.

I was so lucky to have you. I needed you and now I need you more than ever. I have been through hell and back without you these last few months and it makes me so ragingly mad at you. The fact that you’d leave me here is so mean. You abandoned me.

Every time I start to get mad at you I immediately think about your body in the coffin and that should have been the worst pain i’ve ever felt when in reality, I have spent every day in pain which compiles and overrides the pain that i felt that day. I think of your eyes and mouth glued shut and I can still feel your freezing cold hands. I still hear our brother sobbing telling mom, papa and I “she’s so cold” while shivering himself in a hot room.

Sometimes things get so painful to think about that I can’t even cry anymore. I just sit and stare.

The weirdest part about all of this is that you were scared of everything. Even as a baby, you didn’t want to be held by anyone you didn’t know. You were always scared of fireworks but you became more and more scared of the world as you grew up. All of a sudden you became scared of the suns rays, public places, the ocean.. I could go on. You only made it to 15. Would it have become worse? Or would you have conquered your fears?

I don’t even know why I’m writing this. I miss you. Oh my god I miss you. There has not been a day where your memory doesn’t make me lose my mind. I wish I could shake you and slap you and tell you that your life doesn’t have to feel like this- it will get better. Our brother and I told you that. We told you that over and over and you let us think that we got to you- that you believed us. You lied. You lied and told me that you’d be there for me forever.

Kiara. I want to live a beautiful life. I want you to help me live a beautiful life. I don’t want to feel like this anymore yet every day feels worse. I need your help from heaven.

I wish I had died instead of you.

Your sister who will adore you until the day I die,

Zoë