June 19th, 2018 (SiblingsSurvivors Guest Post)

I had no words then. I have no words now. But I’ll still try to convey this.
June 19th, 2018.
My first thought was “I knew it.”
My second thought was “I understand.”
And I really did. And I still do.
I found this site back then, but despite everything, I didn’t make a post.
Now, almost three months later, I’m here , doing it. Yet it feels more like I’ve ignored the grief than dealt with it. Nothing about my life has given me the time, acceptance, or ability to mourn you.
I fear quiet moments. I fear having time to think.
When you were born, it was the best birthday I’d ever had, or would ever have. We all wanted you. We all knew our family wasn’t complete until you were born.
As a baby, you were the cutest. I recall your kind heart. Remember when you took our pet goldfish out of the tank? And then tearfully brought it to mum because it had died, and you had “only wanted to play with it”? It broke my heart, how tender and pure your heart was.
And I always worried about you. “Who will teach him that stoves are hot? Or that knives are dangerous?”
The thoughts of my young mind were all about protecting you.
But it turns out, you lived for risks. You loved freely and constantly got yourself hurt. In nearly every picture we have of you, you’ve got a broken arm and a grin that barely fits your face.
Always smiling, always moving. Always loving, and loving living.
You were a rare kind of person.
And then the accident. The traumatic brain injury. It took you away from us. When it happened, you were never the same. Mentally, we lost you that day.
And for the next six years, you struggled. You fought. You did anything and everything to cope. Good things… And bad.
But you were still in there. I know you were. And I know you didn’t want to be that way.
And I have to believe that you did it to free yourself.
This life took you, unfairly broke you… And I truly believe you were too good to live long in this world.
And on June 19th, 2018, you finally said “Enough.”
Almost three months later. I can’t handle it. I ignore it. It feels unreal because I wasn’t there. I didn’t even get down there to see you until the funeral, an entire week later.
And as the loaded you out into the hearse, all I could think was a desperate plea:
“Don’t take him away!”
I had been struggling, before your accident. And in some twisted ways, I’n jealous that you did it first.
But in my quiet moments… In those moments when I think about it…
I am sad. With the deepest sorrow the heart can feel. It is so immense that I wonder if my heart’s still there. Somehow, it hasn’t vanished, collapsed under the weight of the pain and the grief.
I have regrets of course. That I didn’t get to hug you one last time. That my last text to you wasn’t “I love you.”
But I said it to you all your life. We had a deeper bond than I think most siblings get. And for that I am always deeply grateful. I acknowledge the blessing that it is.
But as deep as my love is, so is the pain. The sleepless nights. The tears. The missing you. The loneliness.
I don’t know how to handle the rest of my life.
You were only 21. And now… I’ll be spending our next birthday alone.
“Happy Birthday Sis.”
Every year, this has been my most treasured exchange with you. And now, you will never say it again.
My heart bleeds. My soul shatters. My mind breaks. Everything now is wrong.
And I have to live in a world without you now.
I love you so much. I always have. I always will.

Searching for an explanation (SiblingsSurvivors Guest Post)

Dear only sister and sibling,
All I can say is that I am so sorry I never said I love you. You were so childlike and innocent. You were only 46 when you sat in a bath of water with alcohol and many bottles of prescription pain killers just waiting to be so drugged up that you drowned in the bathtub. You had no children and you were living in your ex-husbands house with physical and mental pain. All you did was complain about everybody and everything so I just thought this was just who you were for the last 20 years. Not for one moment did I ever think you were this dark and tortured inside. As far as I knew you did not drink and would never take drugs. That was never you!
I spoke to you the day before you died. I keep going over in my head if I missed something or there were warning signs that would have alerted me but I can’t recall any desperation in our conversation. Why didn’t you say good-bye! You knew you were going to do this! And when I found out from your ex that you tried this same attempt July of 2017, I became fractured. I didn’t know! Why? It’s such crap that I was so unaware. You wanted your death to be a shock didn’t you? I promise, I would have done something but you swore your ex to secrecy and I didn’t know. Why? Why didn’t you let me in.
All this week I have searched the internet to try and understand what you did. I have only found information about the fastest growing group to commit suicide is women from the ages of 45-64. What I want to know is how could I have missed the signs and any rational for why you felt you needed to leave the earth. I have searched and searched but nothing. I came upon this site from my searching but I still can’t find any answers. I will keep searching for answers because I just can’t logically understand the loneliness, desolation, and affliction you must have felt to do what you did. It is excruciating to know you are gone and I can’t do a damn thing about it.
I want you to know how sorry I am that I wasn’t more of a sister to you. We are only 14 months apart but always were at odds with each other. I can admit that I never understood you or how you wanted to conduct your life. Every time I gave you advice you never listened which made me angry and frustrated. You left me to take care of our mother with dementia. I have nobody to speak to about all of this and now it is all my responsibility. I wanted you to help with mother. I asked you to come visit but all you had were excuses. I will always regret that I didn’t come get you and bring you back to see our mother. I could have done so much more.
All I have are regrets and sorrow. A piece of me is filled with an emptiness. It will be one week since you have gone. It is so difficult to think about anything else. Please forgive me. Please forgive me. Please forgive me.

It’s been five months and I have no answers. (SiblingSurvivors Letters)

It’s been five months.  I have no answer.

My dearest Kate, it’s been five months since you took your life. I thought things would get better and fade over time, but the opposite has happened.
For months I was still in shock and numb, and couldn’t bring myself to talk about or think about you, but now, months later, I cry at the most random times; driving home from work, watching tv at night, in the shower, at church.
I still have no answers as to why you decided to end it, and I don’t think I ever will. You’d so carefully and meticulously planned it for months, yet Mom, Dad and I all missed it.
Our family will never be the same Kate, I can’t bear to mention you in front of Mom and Dad because I can tell they’re in so much pain.
My only hope for your now is that you’re in heaven and in god’s loving arms. I hope that one day when it’s my time I’ll see you there….
Love always your brother.

The lost sibling

My brother and I were estranged until I was 15 and he was 19. We are half siblings and I didn’t know I had a biological father. I tried to get close. And he did too. We talked. Communicated and I felt like I had a new family(brother and older sister). This AM, while scrolling Facebook, i found his suicide letter he posted. He died just as he arrived to the hospital. I don’t know how I should feel, but I feel broken. I can’t express it. And I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes. I know we weren’t that close, but I had a brother and I was missing from his life for so long. Then the time we got was so short and not what I had hoped for. I feel so confused and lost.

A month since

Yesterday it was a month since i found you hanging in the garden. I’m still in so much shock. You were only 19, you had so much left. My older brother. I loved you, even though you were a pain in the backside sometimes! I miss you so much. There’s been a hole torn out of my heart. When I’m in school, I can’t focus, I feel overwhelmed. I can’t go into the dark anymore because I end up having panic attacks, because being in the dark brings me back to that night. I feel like I have no one to talk to, because I don’t want to upset my parents, but I have so much weighing me down with sadness. I miss you at dinner, trying to get the biggest plate. I miss you calling me all those annoying names. I miss hearing you singing along and dancing to the music in your headphones. It doesn’t even feel like you’re truly gone yet. I’m not sure if the grief has fully hit me.

What am I to do?

The last words Jim said to me was “You’re dead to me”. He was my younger (18 months) and only brother. It was obviously a strained relationship due to his drinking. That was in February. Last Saturday morning, 9:03am (never gonna forget), I got that awful phone call. He hung himself on his ex-girlfriend’s back porch, out of spite, with an extension cord. I tried so long (34yrs) to help him but feel I’ve failed somehow for some inexplicable reason. I’m emotionally mixed up, like a rollercoaster and don’t understand why. Is there a support group available, one for sibling pairs who’ve experienced the loss of their other? Everything I find searching the ‘net assumes one has living parents. I don’t.

You were only 14!!!

How dare you, how dare you leave me here alone. I know I sound selfish but I can’t help it, you and I both grew up in foster care but at least I had you! Now what? I’m alone, I’m terrified. I’ll try to continue but I’m struggling so hard… I miss every moment, even when we fought. Why’d you have to go?

9 Months without you…

Serg I cant believe its been 9 months since I’ve seen you, no text, no call, no hug, no “hi sis”, no “I love you sis” absolutely nothing I cant even dream of you.. I am so deperately hoping that you would appear in my dreams.. I feel like this is a nightmare that has gone on too long but I hate that in reality you are never coming back… I feel like as time goes by it gets a little less harder and I try to move on and remember all the great times together but then I have days that I feel terribly guilty that I couldn’t do more for you.. The words “I am hitting rock bottom” keep going through my head, did I do enough, could I have done more??? Why did you do this to our family, we are so broken, our mom is on such a low that its tough to see her.. She has taken the worst hit of us all. God continue to help us, we need healing, love, comfort, peace, unity please through you all things are possible. This is what keeps me going is believing and having faith in god, especially knowing that we will be reunited someday.. RIP my little brother, your sister that loves & adores you always & forever.

First time posting

My brother committed suicide almost 5 years ago. He was 26 at the time and had just been married for less than a year and had a baby of only 3 months old. The last time I spoke to my brother we had a fight on the phone, it was insignificant but still it was the last time we spoke. To make it worse I honestly forgot to congratulate him for his birthday a few weeks before his death. My brother lived in another country but still we were very close, he was my best friend. I know he wasn’t angry with me when he left us, but the guilt still eats me up inside. Its been 5 years and I have gone on with my life, but someways I still feel very lonely and empty inside. Nothing has filled the void of losing my brother. Writing has seemed to help me.

Lost in translation

As you know Tim, I lost you at the age of 22 to suicide, you were two years older than me. This was in October of 2006
I’d had issues living life on its own terms prior to this but after hearing the news, any tangible value that I saw in life was ripped from me in an instant.
Just shy of twelve years on and I’m still not able to function well enough to hold down employment. I feel like my soul has been broken, never to feel whole again no matter what I do.
When you suicided, life lost whatever sparkle it had. I lost my innocence.
I lost my belief that the world was fundamentally a good place or that people were fundentally good, albeit with their own issues as everybody has.
I realise how much this may read as if I’m stuck in self-pity, but it’s not as if I’ve sat on my hands and just self-pitied the last 12 years away; I’ve tried to move forward with my life and find new reasons to live instead of just exist, but all attempts have resulted in the same end result, my emotional volatility and this feeling of feeling defeated constantly. Anger, denial and confusion still plague me.
I’ve recently been seeing a psychologist which made a decent difference, but he’s moved jobs and I need to find another one. This has resulted in me feeling like I’m back at step one. At least I’ve found a clinical psychogist and will be seeing him tomorrow for the first time. He specialises in trauma and issues surrounding trauma.
I’m constantly tormented by a lack of trust in other people now aswell, moreso than I used to before he died. I distrust their loyalty or genuineness and always have fear that they’ll abandon me like he did.
I have to have hope that I’m finally going to get to the bottom of the barriers which are keeping me stuck, or life really would be pointless. It often feels like it is anyway since he died. I don’t use substance to suppress my emotions anymore and have been clean for 13 months, aside from a few beers nearly a week ago. I’ve realised that self-medicating my torment isn’t the answer anymore.
I want to live instead of this existence I’m scratching out, I just don’t know how. I can’t give up because I’ve come too far. P.s I don’t want to either. I will not be another suicide statistic. At least I’m grateful to not have any desire to end my life.
Thank you for taking the time to read my letter.
Does any of this letter ring true to anyone else?