Category Archives: Guest Post

To My Brothers

I miss you both. I’ve been listening to your old favorite artists to feel closer to the both of you. Nick, it has been 13 years since I got to see your goofy smile. I’m all grown up now. I’ll never stop telling the story about how you pulled the trampoline over to the side of the house and tried to jump onto it from the roof with me. Mama heard your footsteps up there and yelled at you so loud I think the whole neighborhood heard! I wish you hadn’t made the dumb decision that you did. You were still so young but you were an adult and you knew better. Mama misses you every single day, and I know I miss you too. Your son is a cool dude, he’s going to be in high school soon! I wish you were here to see how he’s just like you.
Bobby, it’s been 7 years since you left us. And I know it’s a mix of experiencing your death as an adult, instead of a kid, and having been closer to you all those years, but it’s still so much harder for me to think about you, and talk about you, than it is about Nick. You were more complicated, too. We had a weird relationship, you were so much older than me. Your daughter is two years younger than me and since you had her in high school and raised her across the hall from me, she and I are more like siblings than aunt and niece. But you always treated me like your cool little sister, not your child, and in high school I thought you were the coolest dude I knew. I absolutely LOVED the days you’d roll up to school to pick me up in your pimped out white Tahoe, blasting 2pac. Giving me advice on how to be more confident at school, to get people to respect me. I never felt more cool. I also never felt more alone than the day my mom told me you left us in my high school parking lot. And I had to tell your daughter. I have seen her grow into such a strong woman despite what life has thrown at her. We miss you so badly, not a day goes by that you don’t cross our minds. She’s the only one I talk to about you anymore. I think she’s the only one who will ever get it.
I like to think both of you are together, somewhere, playing video games, having rap battles and making mischief like you always used to. I hope the both of you are chillin like villains, wherever you are. I love you both so much, always.

Bad days outweigh good days.

My younger brother hung himself 6 weeks ago, he was 58. He had 6 sisters, I was the closest in age to him. I have no siblings close in age now.
I thought I was handling this but now the bad days are more frequent.
He left behind a wife and four boys and I cannot imagine how they are coping.
It seems like my friends just don’t get it or think you should have moved on by now. That is okay as I don’t need them, just sad, sad days.

My Brother

My Brother took his own life by hanging, it will be 5 years on Easter Monday, I miss him so much and think about him every day, he was my only sibling and my best friend, he never got over the tragic deaths of our Mum and Dad and struggled to move on, he was intelligent and had a sense of humour to match, I just feel completely numb alot of the time and feel I’ve been cheated out of the best years of my life with him, I just constantly miss him and feel so low and down.

Life nearly 2 years on

Hey brother,
I often write to you, I have a book specifically for you and letters to you. I often find I wrote to you when I’m feeling overwhelmed with sadness and pain.
I want to speak aloud to you, but I still can’t. The lump that forms in my throat when I try and talk to you is huge and stops my voice, but writing to you is the same really. And I think conversations with you every day too.
The pain of losing you sometimes hits me just as hard as it did when I saw Dad’s name on my phone nearly 2 years ago. Hits me from nowhere and your 2 year old niece often wipes my tears. She’s incredible and you would love her so much. Not just for the little person she’s become, the character, the attitude and sass but for how she continues to be my strength when I don’t have any. And she knows all about you. She thinks your funny. Our house phone rang a few months back and she answered it. When I asked who it was she said it was uncle Jamie, I hope you were there in some way.
It’s now been 2 years since I last saw you, last hugged you. I can still feel that hug, it was different to our normal hugs, harder and tighter because it was the first time I had seen you since she ended your marriage and you were hurting.
I found a charity that has been incredible for me, just having someone to talk to and be completely honest with about my feelings, my anger, my confusion, my guilt, my regrets and every other emotion. Someone who has been through it themselves in some capacity so it’s ok to say some of the awful the things I think.
For the first time last week, I actually sat down with a cuppa during nap time and thought to myself ‘I’ll give J a call in a sec’. I don’t think I’ve ever done that, that hit me like a bus.
My life will never be the same, this hole in my heart will never mend and everything in my life is now referred to as before or after you. But I am so grateful to have had you for your forever.
I always sign off with ‘miss you everyday’ but that doesn’t quite do it really, there’s missing someone and then there’s this that I haven’t yet found a word for. So until I do find a word to describe just how much I miss you, I miss you everyday! Xxxx


My sweet girl,
I miss you. I have no words. I have nothing to say. I just have this heaviness in my heart. I love you. Memories of you keep flooding my head. There are so many things we’ve done together,  so many moments we’ve  shared. The good, the bad, the silly, the crazy. It’s been a year and throughout this year, there’s nobody whom I have shared any such moments with. Nobody knows me like you did. I remember the way you talked,  you walked, the way you were so obsessed with your hair and skin, how you would always have a bottle of water with you to drink, the way you’d always have your cozy night dress on before sleeping,  how you loved animals and they loved you back, how kind, how sweet, how much of a good driver you were, your kind of songs and your love for food, your beautiful hair, skin, your long hands, your well kept nails, how you’d dance, your smile, how you’d raise your hands up when your stomach ached from laughing too much. The thing is Dei, I just miss you so much that I don’t cry anymore. It hurts too much. I want to see you. I will hold on to all the memories I have of you until I see you again.
I’m sorry.

Hey Johnny, Fly High, Baby Brother

Hey Johnny, I wasn’t ready to lose you. You took your life on the 19th of last month. It’s been ridiculously hard without you. I wish I could talk to you again, I wish I could’ve given you a hug and tell you everything was going to be okay.
I got you out of our toxic families house in October, you had lived with me since then. When you left to visit them, you never said goodbye, or gave me a hug before you left, like you normally did. I wish I could’ve saved you. You kept me grounded all these years and I feel so lost without you.
You’re my baby brother, we were going to go bowling on your 21st birthday, we were five months away from celebrating your birthday before I got that phone call.
They wouldn’t even bury you. They cremated you, turned you to ashes. And guess what necklaces they chose to carry you around in? A bullet. It’s horrific that they don’t see anything wrong with memorializing you that way.
You were the purest person I knew. You were my best friend. You were the one person in the world I felt wasn’t against me. I never thought I’d outlive you. Dad has been pretty broken but he’s been emailing me, checking up on me. Dad didn’t leave your side after you passed. I wish I could’ve been there, this was the first time I truly hated living so far away from our hometown.
They took pictures after the doctors called time of death, I haven’t had the closure, until today when dad sent them to me. I wish it weren’t real. I wish you were still here. I wish you didn’t leave the world so soon. You were like a guardian angel in my life, and I wasn’t ready for you to leave. I don’t think I ever would’ve been.
My heart breaks everyday, but I’m trying. No one in life ever prepares you for the heartbreak of losing someone you love. I love you, Johnny, forever and always, you’ll always be my baby brother. My twin born four years late.
-I love you so much, Katie

Always with me

According to Mama, I fell in love with you the day you came home, even though I was only thirteen months old. We were together our entire lives; sharing a bedroom for the first eighteen years, sharing an apartment at University. You were my best friend and soul mate, my maid of honour, and my children’s favourite aunt. You know all that. This has been the worst year of my life, all 59 days of it, so far, since learning New Year’s Day that you were missing and couldn’t be found. We drove two hours thinking when we got there, we might actually have a chance of finding you. How you made it to the water is anyone’s guess. I miss you so much. How am I to go forward? I keep praying that you will come back, this has all been a terrible dream. I am told it will get easier, but I cannot believe it. I am broken. You will not be forgotten. I will create something for you, about you, that will last forever. I will love you forever. Tu hermana.

Keep Coming Back

I have come to this site often over the past years.
Three days ago marked 35 years since my brother died by setting himself on fire and surviving 43 days on a burn unit.
If you are here you have probably experienced the worst thing that has ever happened to you. After 35 years that is still true for me.
I have noticed a trend toward people posting and receiving no response. Please know each of us here has experienced something similar and we do care.
I believe the wear and tear of the pandemic have left many, many people feeling like they are spread thin.
Please do not take the lack of response as a lack of caring. Take the time to read through past posts to find support and understanding.
If you are a long timer dropping back in, consider responding with a sentence or two to someone else.
Keep coming back here. It matters. We hear you. We care.

My Brother, My Soulmate

It was 9 years ago that my little brother had his life taken by unbearable depression: January 30, 2013.
We were 1.5 years apart. He had just turned 30 years old and was close to graduating with a Ph.D from Oxford University. We’re from a blue collar family on the south side of Chicago, so we were so proud of him. He could translate Ancient Greek and Latin. I used to tease him that he was going to school at Hogwarts. We were both obsessed with Harry Potter and Star Wars. We were so close that we could finish each other’s sentences and we always knew what the other was feeling, even when we were an ocean apart.
After he died, I was forever changed. I had been his big sister for 30 years. And I felt like he left me behind. I have a wonderful husband and 5 beautiful children but…there’s a huge piece of my heart that is gone, forever.
I’m not scared of death anymore. I know somewhere, my dear one is waiting for me. And his is the first face I’ll see when that day comes that I cross over the veil.
Rest In Peace my dearest Tommy until we meet again.

My Angel on Earth

Two weeks ago today my sister died by suicide. She was 16 years older than me and was often assumed to be my mother both when I was young and as I grew up. Truthfully, she did a lot to raise me. In our family, she was my person. She cared for me, protected me, supported me, encouraged me, and never let me feel alone. I have never felt more alone than I do now without her. I have a hard time imagining my life going on without her here. I am finding myself desperate to see or feel her around me and I haven’t yet. Everyone keeps saying how strong I am but I don’t want to have to be strong.. I just want my sister back with me. I feel guilty that the world is going to keep on turning without her. It doesn’t feel right.