It’s been 13 days since you died and made me an only child. I don’t like it. I don’t like how sad mom is and there’s nothing I can do to help her. I hate how I question if it’s ok to feel happy throughout my day now. I wish you would have texted me that night. You know I’m awake late. I wouldn’t have judged. Why didn’t you ask me for help!!?? I go to text you at night sometimes, Iike we would normally do, while I was at home and you were at work and then it hits me. I have to be strong in public, by our parents, your wife and kids. I am forced to grieve in private by myself. My brain since I was 15 months old has made pathways and stored things about you because that’s when I first met my little brother. You are still alive in my head. I hear you in my head. I get upset at you for this then feel bad for it. I love you so much. You were my first friend. I wish I could know why. I wish I could go back to the last day i saw you and see what I missed. I saw you two days before you died. I keep going over that 20 minute interaction in my head and nothing about it to me was out of the ordinary. We even had a little funny sibling spat!! I keep reading things all about this to try to understand and you knew that’s what I’d do. I an your, loves to read and learn, big sister. You would tease me about it. When your daughter got into reading though you were so proud and went on about how seeing her sitting in the living room reading a book reminded you of seeing me like that as kids. I understand I won’t get the answers I seek. I hope you’re ok.