How could 1 year have gone by already? I cannot even fathom time like this. You were a part of my entire life – until you weren’t. You forced me to wrap my mind around this new life, and I’ve been living in it for 1 year. 365 days and I didn’t hear a new inflection in your voice or see a new crooked smile on your face. Before 1 year ago, I could look forward to those things any day, any time really. We’d walk and I’d wrap my hand around your forearm at your elbow, your hands in your pockets – yours was my favorite arm to hold because I needed to keep you safe, and show you that you were loved. You kept me safe, too. When I saw your body in that casket, all I could do is hold your arm again. You were cold. What a shocking truth. You’re just gone now. To this day, I still can’t really place where you are. The best solution I have is that you’re in my heart now – that is why my heart hurts so badly when I think of you.
It’s truly excruciating to think about you, but I still do every day. To think about your death of suicide is no longer shocking, and I can talk about that to people. I can tell them my brother took his life, and he struggled with chronic pain, mental illness, loneliness. I actually share this often, because I have found that so many people have been touched by mental illness and suicide. It’s so important to talk about it, so that we can prevent it.
I can’t talk about you-you, though, without the tears rolling. I can’t talk or even think about how you’d always bring the football to tailgates to play catch – or how we’d play tennis in the summer and get smoothies – or how you’d sing in public and embarrass me – or about the fact that your birthday came, but your age didn’t change. I can’t think about your voice, or your smile – not without the tears flowing. Because you were truly wonderful. So I will always hold you and your pain in my heart. I will always miss you.