Subject: To my dead brother

Why did you have to commit suicide? What about your son? And your family? Everyone was crying and a bunch of people came over and are coming over. Who am I suppose to play pubg with? Brittney is too lame. The dogs especially Marley misses you. We all miss you. Why did you do that? Have to have dad kick down the door and for them to see you like that? I didn’t want to see you so I stayed in my room but I came out and saw your dead body. Everyone is worried on Facebook and we have to find money for your funeral. Committing suicide is a selfish act and you hurt everyone especially mom and dad to loose their own child. Please come back if you can. I can’t stop crying on and off… I don’t know what to say. – Tori / Sugar

Subject: Lost my brother to suicide – Year on from that awful day I am struggling to cope

My only brother who was 2 years older then me took his own life by hanging himself on 11th August 2018. He was the funniest, kindest, quirkiest person I’ve ever known. He had tried to save our family friend from dying after inhaling butane when he was 17 and wasn’t the same since – always keeping his feelings to himself.
I was absolutely devastated to lose my only brother and being an only child hasn’t only left a whole in my heart but still almost doesn’t feel real. The fact that we lived quite far away from each other when I was 14 maybe has this effect that I will still visit him soon. Months after I was coping – meeting new friends, finding more work and trying to carry on with my life.
Now its almost a year on I am going downhill – taking recreational drugs and drinking more then I should. Overtime things start to go well, everything seems to crumble and I lose control. Almost feels like a ‘one step forwards, two steps back’ situation.
I still gave hope but it’s difficult. I just want to reach out and say to people; be strong and speak to others, I can understand the hurt and pain that other victims and family members would be feeling. Love to all and always know there is ALWAYS someone that cares.

Subject: Trauma

My 48-year-old sister jumped to her death on Thursday morning after decades of battling complex trauma. I’m still numb. I wrote this poem in her memory.
TRAUMA
I always thought you’d die before most other people did;
and then it happened, but not like most other people do.
When we were young, I’d stare out the window at the darkness;
too frightened to wonder where you were,
praying you’d die peacefully in your sleep
from an overdose
because it would be better than dying afraid
at the hands of yet another creep;
Now you’ve died afraid
at the hands of the creeps
who never left your head,
and the ones who run a world where the cards were stacked against you from the start.

My sister Margaret or, Maggie, she hated that name. Irish: She committed suicide on July 4th by hanging herself. This is July 6, 2018. Every word, I type takes 30 minuets so, here we go. The first day total shock! The next day feels like a piece of your heart is ripped out of your body. Today: I feel hollow. The problem for me is that we never had a chance say good bye. But, I know that finally your soul is at piece. I have great memories of our childhood. I always told you that I love you. I will always love you. I was in a near fatal SUV accident upside down in a river. I fought my way to air. Unfortunately, my sister did not have the same fight. So, yes, I understand the difference between light and dark. Sister it’s alright! I will miss you. To others, live-love-pray…

I lost my little brother to suicide 4 months ago. He slashed his wrists and then ran in front of a truck. Such self hatred and violence in his death. I had no idea that he was suffering and cannot believe he has chosen to leave his beloved two little girls who utterly depended on him.
I can barely function
My father is broken
I want him back
Most nights I dream about him
But I can’t reach him
And he is screaming for my help…

8 months ago my brother took the fateful step that ended his life. He quietly put a rope around his neck and walked toward the railing of the 2 story tree house in our back yard. Before anyone even knew he was missing my baby brother committed suicide by hanging.
The moment he died it was like a siren went off. It was just after 9 p.m. and I was asleep. I was startled and sat up in the dark. I felt overwhelmed with sadness and began to weep. My heart was racing and I felt oddly cold. I called my sister while I took my temperature. She was fine but also felt weird. My body temp was only 94 and stayed that way for 3 hours.
My sister and dad ate dinner alone that night, wondering why my brother didn’t join them. He had been struggling with depression so not coming down to dinner wasn’t considered alarming. Mom was at work. My brother asked for help with his depression just days before his suicide. We all jumped to our feet, ready to help lift our brother up.

He is the only brother of 7 girls. He was born when most of us were in high school. We took care of him like he was our baby. We would have done anything for him. We loved him more than any of us knew. As a family we didn’t hesitate to support our brother. We called, told him he was loved, and asked how can we help. My parents decided to take him to St Joseph’s psychiatric but couldn’t get him in until Monday. My brother, Rhoth died on Saturday night around 10pm.

I was thousands of miles away in another state, trying to pick up the pieces of my life. I hadn’t spoken to my brother in almost a year. I think the last time I actually talked to him on the phone was Thanksgiving. My life was crazy and I didn’t have time for anyone but me. My 2 yr old daughter was kidnapped from me by her father and grandfather. I was diagnosed with lupus. And I had lost my job, my car, and most recently my home.

I reached out to my brother just a couple of days before his death. I sent him a message asking him if he was okay. We never really talked. I’m almost twice his age and we never really had much to say to each other. But we did talk for a little while that night. It was nice. I told him about my suicide attempt when he was only a year old. I wanted him to know he can beat his depression. I’m living proof. I told him he can get through this just like I have. Even though my life was a complete disaster, I needed my brother to know I was there for him.

That conversation was one of the most heartfelt I’ve ever had with my brother and one of the few times I told him I love him. I should have said it more often. I should’ve called more often. I could have visited more often. I hardly even knew him. At that very moment in my life, I wished I could go back years. To be able to do everything over again; only better.

I turned 34 the week my brother graduated high school. I didn’t go to the ceremony. I didn’t even send a card. I carry the shame with me everyday. I wish I got to see him graduate. I have very few memories with my brother because of our age difference. Now that I’m older and he’s gone, I’m regretful. The complete upheaval of my life made the almost 2,000 mile trip home unrealistic. I considered he might be hurt by my absence. But knew he’d forgive me once he was older. When he had some life under his belt. When he graduated college and got his first real job. Once he was married and had children of his own. I figured he’d understand…when he gets older.

He committed suicide 3 months after graduating high school. He wanted to study law and dreamed of one day serving on the Supreme Court. He wanted time to explore and mend his recently broken heart. He didn’t want to go to college right away. I was excited for him! I told him to see the world. Be daring. Be adventurous!  Make memories while he’s young and free.

It was his birthday 2 days ago. He would have been 19. I can’t even think about him without sobbing, even after all these months. My heart breaks knowing he was in so much pain. We did everything right. He didn’t want to die.

I just want to stop crying all the time! I know it has only been a little over two months but I cry all day and night. When I get home from work, all I want to do is go in my bedroom in the dark and watch TV. I don’t want to stop seeing your photos and to stop thinking of you because I love and miss you so much but all I do is cry. I don’t know how to move forward.

Dear Kristopher,
I wish Carlos had woken me when you came to my house a week ago. I had been sleeping because I work a 12 hr night shift. The last time I saw you was so long ago that I don’t quite remember when it was. I wonder if you were stopping by to say goodbye. Did you hold my children one last time and tell them you loved them? Aedan has always had a special place in your heart. You didn’t know Yaritzi very well yet.
As you walked to the place where you would take your own life did you cry? Did your hands shake? Did you feel bad for the person who would find your body? Did you die instantly or did you suffer before succumbing? What pushed you over the edge? I will be looking for something anything that gives me insight into what you were experiencing. I feel like those Japanese trees that are all twisted and bent around and around.
I didn’t have the courage to go see your body. I couldn’t bring myself to make this real. That I would have to live the rest of my life with a hole in my heart where a brother use to be. This way I can almost pretend that you are still here but far away. I can think that it must be someone else. I feel no closure. I want to seek out the person who found you I want them to tell me what they saw how they felt. I want to read the police report. I desperately need closure but lack the courage to seek it. I need catharsis, I read stories and watch sad movies but nothing even scratches the surface of my pain. I am all sharp angles and pain then unfeeling in turns.
I recall the pain of the abuse we endured and I find a place in myself that understands your pain and it resounds in me. I always lacked the will to end my life. I always wanted to live so desperately I only wanted to end the anguish I felt. I always hoped you would find a way to get past your pain to overcome the past. That one day you would find a wife and I would hold your children the way you’ve held mine. I will break the cycle for you. This must end with me, I will give them a childhood they won’t have to recover from. In your memory I will hold them close and discipline them. I hope you found the peace you were searching for.
I love you.

I just don’t understand how I’m the only one whose angry! Why does my family not remember how Stephanie RUINED ALL OF US!!!??? Long before she fucked the family for life by killing herself, she hurt us in a million tiny & giant ways. Mostly giant.
Why does the suicide of a loved one automatically equate to a halo? My sister was beautiful & manipulative & violent & smart & athletic & sexy & an addict & a good mom & a shitty mom & mean & nice & lazy & driven & cruel … & you name it.
But she killed herself, and BAM none of those things were true anymore

Subject: Coroner rules Suicide, my sister had M.S.