Category Archives: Guest Post

My sister Barbara

My sister Barbara committed suicide in September 1972. It has been almost 46 yrs and I think of her every day. She was older than me by 13 yrs and was like a mother to me when I was a baby and little girl. She was a beautiful talented girl she loved her high school years. She went to Baldwin Wallace College in Berea Ohio and excelled and enjoyed her college years. She met a man in 1964 shortly before she graduated college and fell head over heels for him. He was such a jerk. She married him. He was emotionally cruel to her for the years they were married. She withdrew from our family that was the first sign. He began to torment her and call her fat and say she had a big nose. He would go golfing on weekends and leave her alone. She was alone a lot. She suffered insomnia for years. She saw a psychiatrist several different times. She attempted suicide with an overdose and was in the hospital and she never told us and neither did her husband. He kept her under his thumb. We watched a beautiful talented woman fall to the depths of despair and there was nothing we could do. She ended her life in her car in a garage. Tragic then and still tragic. The loss of her still makes me sick. She was 30 when she committed suicide and I was about 17 and I still have a hard time with it. I have had several dreams lately where I discover she is still alive but wants nothing to do with us, her family. The heartache I feel in my sleep is so deep. I end up telling her that we love her and when she is ready we want to show her love. So sad. She was an exceptional music teacher and had so much to give the world. She was highly educated – masters degree in music ed her life at 30 was just beginning. Her tormentor husband had her cremated and sent her ashes home in a cardboard box. He would not allow her family to have one item of hers. He and his mother got rid of all her belongings and swept her out with the trash. He married a 19 yr old shortly after.

Help

My brother committed suicide on Tuesday April 24, 2018. By the end of that Thursday (26th), my husband felt I should be over it, by that Saturday he was calling me a cry baby and telling me that my brother’s death has done nothing but inconvenience him and I need to get over it already. His youngest boy died in an accident in 2010, then his mother passed in 2012. I went above and beyond to ensure the family (including his ex-wife) made it through. I called all of them daily, made home cooked meals and made sure everyone was eating, and whatever other support I could offer. When I stated that, my husband barked at me, “I never asked you to do anything”. Part of my soul left with my brother and not being able to grieve and not be chastised is ripping me apart.

Alone

Only 2 years apart in age, never lived a single day without her. October 16 2017, my best friend, my little sister, took her life in the backyard of someone’s house. My beautiful angel, now will only be a memory. How can I do it alone?

Sarah. My little sister. My life

A little over 4 months ago my younger sister took her own life. She had been struggling for so long with Borderline Personality Disorder. She had tried multiple times in the past, but not for a while. We thought she was doing a little better. She was getting treatment across the country where we visited as much as we could. We talked every day, often multiple times a day. She had just moved back home and was applying to school to finish college. She was 27 and had never been able to because of her disorder. She was the most caring, selfless, fun loving, spontaneous, always up for adventure, silly, hilarious, witty, physically beautiful as well with gorgeous dark hair and striking blue eyes. She had another side to her. The disorder. She had trouble regulating her mood, would lash out at little things and overreact. Scream. She would get manic and have panic attacks and was often antsy and couldn’t sit still for long. She got agitated very quickly. At the same time, she would then hate herself for being the way she was. She would always say sorry and felt so horribly when she finally processed that she had just made others feel bad. She hated herself. She felt she was ugly and unloveable.

I loved her with all my heart. Nothing anyone said to her made her feel worth anything. She felt she was not worth saving. I would have not only saved her—I would have died for her in a heartbeat. We were only 10 months apart, but she was my little sister and I was always protective and defended her ever since we were little. She based her value on how others saw her, and she hated what she thought they saw. Any little action that she interpreted as rejection would tear her to pieces—even if that wasn’t the intention. Often people didn’t know she was so hurt by little things they had done. She had always had trouble with friends and reading social cues, as well. A girl she has been friends with since she was 2 who had been distancing herself from my sister because of her outbursts and need for love and not rejection was pushing my sister over the edge.

The night she committed suicide she had gone to dinner and she was happy, and then someone asked her to move to the end of the table. She did, and was unable to hear anything and was totally removed from the social situation and rejected by the party, in her eyes. She got up, went to the bathroom, then went home. She ended up taking a bottle of doxepine and never woke up. The following morning was the worst of of my life. I got a call from my strong, calm father. He was weeping like I hadn’t heard him weep before. Through his screaming and hysterical crying I just heard “she’s gone. Get over here now” and I still didn’t process it but panicked and threw clothes on and rushed over. On the drive over I called my husband and told him the same thing and hung up. I called my dad back and asked which hospital she was going to and he had to repeat over and over that we weren’t going to the hospital. I yelled why and he just couldn’t get through to me. I didn’t want to miss her if they went to a hospital and I went to his house. I rushed past multiple cop cars in front of my dads building and an ambulance and raced up to the apartment. Throwing open the front door I saw policemen awkwardly standing around and my dad hysterical and a mess and it was all a blur. I charged past everyone and into her room. At the sight of her lifeless eyes and hands clenched, I lost it. I sobbed and sat on the floor and said there must be some way to wake her up.

Angrily I asked did they even try to revive her? What were they waiting for. Hours went by and she was in that room. Most of the day. My whole family just in tears, unable to speak. Barely breathing. We couldn’t believe it was true. We all went in and out. I went in after hours and lay next to her. To some this may sound weird, but I didn’t want to let her go and I wanted to stay with her. I smelled her hair one last time, I tried to close her eyes but they wouldn’t close, I held her clenched hand in mine. I hugged her. She was so cold. I noticed her nails and how bitten down they were. She always did that. I kissed her on the forehead and cheek and didn’t want to leave. I finally went into the other room when the first examiners came to the house. I waited and I alternated between crying my eyes out and sitting there staring at the wall in total shock. Then they rolled her out of her room in a black body bag. I lost it. This wasn’t real.

Even though she had been struggling, it seemed to be ok and it was still so sudden. I wish she had called me. I want one more hug, one more kiss, to bury my face in her hair embraced in a bear hug once more. I miss her so much every second of every day and the pain is unbearable. Our family has fallen apart and everyone is suffering beyond belief. I feel like my heart has been ripped in two and I don’t know how to move forward. I hear her voice I try to make myself dream about her but it has only been a couple of times. In one of the dreams I was trying to teach her to fly, oddly enough, but I guess that says a lot..I don’t know..I’m not religious, but if I was I would say she’s the one flying now. I miss her so much it is physically painful. It comes in unbearable waves. Days I don’t believe it happened and that she will call me any minute, or come over to my house, and then there are days I suddenly start bawling my eyes out trying to catch my breathe. I would have died for her in a heartbeat. I would have taken away all her pain in a heartbeat. I would do anything ANYTHING just to have her heart beat again.

I love you, my little bear. I miss you and love you with all of my heart, every second of every day, and I can’t imagine living the rest of my life without you, but I guess I have to try to keep going.
You are my hero and my heart.

I broke my brother’s heart and now I will never get to say I’m sorry

The last time I heard my brother’s voice was a month ago on March 27th. My mom picked up but she didn’t know this was Wesley. At the time my parents put a restraining order on my brother. He wasn’t allowed to contact our parents or his daughter. For several years my brother struggled with Alcohol Addiction. The doctors already told him last August he only has 70% of his liver. If he kept up his drinking he would only have a couple years to live.

So from August to November he lived at home with us. My brother was a violent drunk but when he didn’t drink he was the most caring person. A day after Halloween I took his girlfriend to the bus depot. The night before he began to fight her but she ran away. So I told her to leave but that I am sorry for what is happening. My brother came home to find everyone gone. So in a drunk blind rage he broke everything in my room. This was when my parents banned him from the house.

He was calling from the hospital. My brother told me he had a seizure in the middle of the gas station. As he talked I could tell he was drunk. Later on he relented his drinking could be the cause of his seizure (Our mom has seizures, so heredity also could be a factor). He also apologized to me for breaking my stuff and I forgave him. I remember hearing him cry in relief. Telling me he is not surprised by what I said and that he misses me. He also got to talk to my mom and his daughter. Eventually I had to tell my dad. I can’t lie to him.

Then I began noticing my mom getting upset and frantic. One of the things she said was he wanted to commit suicide. I was mad at him for making mom sad. The next time he called we got into an argument. He belittled me so much I was pissed. At the time, I felt like things will never change. Just our lives stuck on repeat. So I told him never to call back and that we won’t visit him. Then I unplugged the phone so he couldn’t say more worse things to our mom.

10 days later he was hit by a car and died. His death was ruled an accident but I know this is what he wanted. He would always talk about ways to kill yourself. I remember him saying he would want his death so horrible our dad will cry. At the moment, our family seems to have moved on so quickly. They all believe he was so drunk he accidentally walked out into the street.

Deep down my brother was hurt by my actions. He truly believed no one cared about him. So he gave up. Now I can never say, “I’m sorry and I love you.”

You were the strongest man I ever knew. Until you were gone.

April 10th of 2016. It was a Sunday morning. I was asleep in bed with my boyfriend, Tj. And at 7 am I wake up to the sound of knocking. My parents are here. Just 8 days before my mother called to tell me my older brother Sammy had run away. He had been struggling to our knowledge for only a month or two. Since his passing I’ve found his journals… he had been contemplating suicide since 2013. We had no idea. He was a beautiful man. 21 years young. Handsome and tan, blonde and strong. He had so many friends and participated in marching bands and indoor percussion and drumline all over the US. He could play the trumpet and the bass drum and the symbols. He was a leader in everything he did. He took charge, was considerate of feelings and would go out of his way unprompted to help a friend
He understood me in a way nobody else does…or ever will. Not even the relationship between my little brother and I could ever compare. He accepted me as I am. Loud and impatient, silly and overdramatic. I never had to explain myself to him. He always just knew… he understood.
On the chilly drizzly morning of April 6th 2016. He was found lying face down in the back parking lot of a Kmart in Maui, Hawaii. He had put a ziptie around his throat and tightened it until it cut off blood supply and oxygen. The coroners report says it took a few minutes. He stumbled around. And when he feel he scraped his knees and the side of his beautiful cheek. Then he died. Alone in the rain. My heart aches for that moment. For if I couldn’t have prevented him from killing himself… I so terribly wish o could have at least held him. No man that wonderful and beautiful and full of love should have to die alone in the cold rain. Behind a f…ing Kmart. It’s been 2 years. He missed little Ethan graduating highschool. He missed my wedding. My parents cry each and every day. I wish I had known. I would have told him how much I looked up to him. How much I respected him. How much I loved him like no other. His name was Samuel Thomas Spott. And he was my big brother. The best big brother.

5 Months… If only??

If only I would have read your mind, if only I would have called you earlier that day, if only I would have repeated over and over how much I loved you, if only I would have protected you from the world… I will live the rest of my life “If only”.. Sergio its not getting easier, I am hanging on to my faith and I know God is by my side but seeing my mom & dad devasted by your loss is extremely painful. They are so sad NOTHING makes them smile, they live a life of regret because my mom thinks it was her fault for you taking your life.. My dad tries to comfort her but he too needs comforting, your boys stopped coming to visit because its too hard for them not to find you there. You changed our lives so much Sergio, you were a huge part of our hearts I wish you would have known that, we love you WHY did you force us to live with this heart break WHY!!!! Every month seems different emmotionally but never is it easy, not seeing you, talking to you, hugging and kissing you has been so hard.. What I would give to have just one more day with you I MISS YOU so much that is hurts so bad. I pray that you are happy now, enjoying everlasting life with all our family and friends that have left this world & waiting for that moment that we will be together again. I adore you & love you more than you will ever know.. Always & forever your sis…

I’m sorry little bro

I can’t really imagine anything worse. I’m in a pretty dark place right now. It’s been around 8 months, but it still feels like yesterday. My little brother committed suicide and he didn’t even think to give me a call. A simple call would have saved his life, and mine too. I’m confused, angry, sad, I don’t really know what to do. I’m trying to find some meaning, I just want to know why he did it. He’s not the type of person to just quit, when things get a little rough…..