I wish Carlos had woken me when you came to my house a week ago. I had been sleeping because I work a 12 hr night shift. The last time I saw you was so long ago that I don’t quite remember when it was. I wonder if you were stopping by to say goodbye. Did you hold my children one last time and tell them you loved them? Aedan has always had a special place in your heart. You didn’t know Yaritzi very well yet.
As you walked to the place where you would take your own life did you cry? Did your hands shake? Did you feel bad for the person who would find your body? Did you die instantly or did you suffer before succumbing? What pushed you over the edge? I will be looking for something anything that gives me insight into what you were experiencing. I feel like those Japanese trees that are all twisted and bent around and around.
I didn’t have the courage to go see your body. I couldn’t bring myself to make this real. That I would have to live the rest of my life with a hole in my heart where a brother use to be. This way I can almost pretend that you are still here but far away. I can think that it must be someone else. I feel no closure. I want to seek out the person who found you I want them to tell me what they saw how they felt. I want to read the police report. I desperately need closure but lack the courage to seek it. I need catharsis, I read stories and watch sad movies but nothing even scratches the surface of my pain. I am all sharp angles and pain then unfeeling in turns.
I recall the pain of the abuse we endured and I find a place in myself that understands your pain and it resounds in me. I always lacked the will to end my life. I always wanted to live so desperately I only wanted to end the anguish I felt. I always hoped you would find a way to get past your pain to overcome the past. That one day you would find a wife and I would hold your children the way you’ve held mine. I will break the cycle for you. This must end with me, I will give them a childhood they won’t have to recover from. In your memory I will hold them close and discipline them. I hope you found the peace you were searching for.
I love you.