I can’t really imagine anything worse. I’m in a pretty dark place right now. It’s been around 8 months, but it still feels like yesterday. My little brother committed suicide and he didn’t even think to give me a call. A simple call would have saved his life, and mine too. I’m confused, angry, sad, I don’t really know what to do. I’m trying to find some meaning, I just want to know why he did it. He’s not the type of person to just quit, when things get a little rough…..

All I have to offer you is my story.
I am not a grief counselor.
I have not written a self-help book.
I am no expert on the subject.
But what I do have is day after day after day of tears and pain and questions and longing.
Longing to understand why it happened and if it was always going to happen or if there was something I could have possibly done to stop it — or at least delay it.
Of course, the “it” I am referring to is my brother’s suicide nearly three years ago.
For those of you reading this who have also suffered from suicide loss — whether it be a family member, friend, coworker, etc. — I am so unbelievably sorry, and I know the pain you are experiencing. It is an excruciating pain, one that can only be truly understood by those who have experienced it first-hand.
But in spite of that pain, here’s a little hope for you:
It does get better.
Not a day goes by where I don’t think about my brother at least once and wish he was still here with us. I still feel a hint of that fierce cold that struck me the night I heard the news three years ago. I still bawl my eyes out when I see a picture of Zach or when I watch old videos of him playing his guitar.
But please believe me when I say that it does get better. My pain is strong. It is severe at times. But the severity of the pain is nothing is comparison to what it was that first year.
I read somewhere that everyday we should challenge ourselves to become 1% better. As survivors of suicide, we can work together on growing 1% in our grief recovery everyday. Everyday there might hints (or avalanches) of tears and pain and questions and longing, but everyday could get a little easier, a little more bearable, if you focus on these five recommendations:
1. Be honest with yourself.
Let’s be honest: you are going through a traumatic experience. Stop trying to pretend like it didn’t happen. Stop trying to stuff your feelings deep down inside, sealed by that fierce cold you feel. You have been through hell and back with this loss. You are allowed to acknowledge your pain. You NEED to acknowledge your pain. Be honest with yourself about where you are in your grief recovery journey, and know that recovery is indeed a lifelong process. Be patient with yourself as you learn how to live life in spite of this loss.
2. Make self-care your top priority.
Self-care. Self-care. Self-care. A year ago I didn’t even know what that phrase meant. Now I live it and love it everyday. At all times but especially in this time as you begin your grief recovery journey, you need to focus on the self-care activities that refresh and renew your soul. For me, it’s lighting candles and writing my thoughts in my journal. For others, it’s a warm bath and a nice glass of wine. For you, it could be practicing meditation or going for a run. Whatever it is, FIND IT and hold onto it, especially in the darkest and hardest days of your grief recovery journey.
3. Open up to your support system.
I firmly believe that secrets make you sick. The more you try to hide how you are feeling, the lonelier you will feel, the more you will remain stuck in a state of darkness. In order to find the light, you have to actively SEEK the light, and by that I mean seeking the friends, family members, counselors, etc. who bring light to your life and support you in your grief recovery journey. Open up to them. Let them in. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable with them and tell them if you’re having a hard day. You deserve to be supported in this time of healing.
4. Practice gratitude.
I will repeat what I mentioned in my previous post: “We can focus on the fact that we lost my brother after 23 short years, or we can make the decision to be grateful for the 23 years he gave us.” In the past (almost) three years of my grief recovery journey, I have noticed that the less I focus on gratitude, the more depression and anxiety I experience as a sibling survivor of suicide loss. I am grateful that I can now use my story to help others. I am grateful for the lessons my brother taught me. I am grateful that I still have more time on this planet. This month, I started a gratitude calendar where I write down one thing I am thankful for everyday. It’s made a world of a difference in my life, and I encourage you to do the same.
5. Channel your sadness into something you care about.
Finally, the greatest way to move forward in your grief recovery journey is to take all of your tears and pain and questions and longing, take it all together, bundle it all up, and throw it into whatever you are passionate about. Take all of that negative energy and allow it to propel you forward, giving you the fierce drive and determination to succeed at whatever you wish. For me, this translates into the following: when I feel depressed about the loss of my brother, I write. I write and write and write in hopes that someway, somehow, another survivor of suicide loss will read my story and find the hope for which they’ve been searching. What are you passionate about? What makes you feel most alive? Do that. My sister always reminds me that energy cannot be created or destroyed — it can only be transferred. You will never be able to destroy your depression, your negative energy from your suicide loss. You can only “destroy” the negative energy by transferring that energy into something positive, something that reminds you that life is worth living.
And for me, so long as I have a platform to share my story and a chance to share hope and healing with others, then life is still worth living.
You’re going through hell, but you can do this.
I believe in you, and I am here for you.
Sincerely,
Someone Who Cares

Subject: Years Later, and Still

March 31, 2003
I was 7 years old when it happened, now I am 22 and hurt more and more every day. My dear Iris had a scholarship to Yale Medical and would have been a successful doctor by now. I had a tumultuous few years when I was a teenager, and regret not following her footsteps. I am in college now, but have noticed how much I love my friends and how much I push others away. My mother blamed me for her death some years ago, mistreated me with an intense anger. (My sister was dating a family member at the time(which I knew of but didn’t really think much since I was so young, though I knew it was odd) , rejected by him when she didn’t want to marry him and he got a new fling, so she was devastated) Now I have so much sadness and hatred and fear of abandonment, I guess I never really got over it. Reading my fellow guest posts brings an immediate tear to my eye because I can’t imagine the recent feeling and my heart cries with you. In my heart yearns a deep burning love for none other than my sister, the one who could not receive it in the past 15 years, the one who I had hoped to be my guide for years to come, though our time together was cut ever so short. why didn’t she want to stay with us? we could have helped her go through everything. Every day, more so in my times of confusion and frustration, I wonder how different life would have been if she were here? How much happier my mom would have been? How much more love would be in our lives? Was she selfish or am I the selfish one? I only ever wonder why….

many thanks, dear bro

while I miss your earthly companionship, Ed, I relish the thought of your learning and growing at a different level
you are always with me; for that I am grateful
these lessons and learning – indeed the school of hard knocks
am told if we can master these earth lessons we can master anything, anywhere
see you soon!
much love,
D

It’s a been a month since my brother committed suicide. I feel like I’m not here anymore. I spend all day thinking of him and blaming myself. I’ve always been the rock in my family so I try to stay strong for my parents and younger brother. I honestly feel dead inside though. I’m ashamed to say that my little one will be born soon and I feel no joy. I know I’ll love him he’s going to be given his uncles name but I’m going to be sad that he’ll never get to meet his fun loving uncle Matt.

I just found this website and had no idea how many people this happens to. I’m 15 and my older sister passed away from suicide 2 months ago. It hurts everyday, I lost my best friend. I can’t go a single day without thinking about her. I missed a month of school when it happened, and I want to be able to think of my sister positively. Instead of feeling sad every time.

It’s been 3 and half year since my younger brother took his own life when he was at the age of 17. I was only 23. The pain was unbearable. He hung himself in his room and the first one to know about this was my mother. I would never forget how my mom came downstairs crying and talking insane. The pain was totally unbearable to my family and now I was the only child remaining. I never worried about mom and dad as my younger brother was very smart with studies and more mature comparing to me but now we don’t have him anymore. For the first 3 months I was very angry, like how could you do this? Why would you leave me alone? Why didn’t you think about mom and dad? Why would you take your life? I needed the answers but as time passed by, now I am more – all this happened because of me. Somehow I feel I am to be blamed. I should have been there for him as a elder sister. I should have helped him when he was having his hard time. I should have showed how much he meant to me. People say time will heal everything but my heart will never heal it never will never. The heartache will never end, instead it will be much bigger by each passing day. I cry every night remembering you thinking about how it would be if only you were with us. I wish if we could have time machine so I could go back to the time and tell you how much you mean to me my little one. My only wish is I want you back . My grandfather died after 2 yrs of my brother’s death and somehow I think grandad passed away quickly because of his grandson’s death. And my burden gets added. Now I cry every night but I don’t let anyone know especially mom cause I can’t add her burden anymore. I am strong in front of everyone but no one knows I cry every night, wishing only if you were here with us. Only if. Now I know I would never heal and time never heals; instead it adds more burden, as the day you passed away is still fresh in my mind as it was yesterday. Only if I could tell you how much you meant to me my little one. I never open up with people as most of them are my new friends from new university so they don’t know about my brother. The main thing why I don’t share is because they didn’t know my brother and I don’t want my brother to be remembered as just a guy who hung himself. They will never understand how much he meant to me so I just don’t like sharing. I just sit alone by myself and remember all those good days with my brother and cry. Only if You could come back my little one only if. You have left a big hole in my heart which will never heal. How I cry every day thinking I am all alone as I can’t share my feelings to mom and dad because I don’t want to add their pain anymore. I can’t offer them anymore pain apart from happiness which we rarely have since you left. I miss you so much brother and I love you to death. You were the best brother and I will always love you no matter what.

Not far from 3 years since my big brother’s Suicide. Part of me wants to say he was 16 yrs old and I was 14 yrs old, because that’s where my heart feels we were, but fast forward 25 years… Tonight I’m focused on the Rascal Flatts song WHY, and the lyric “was there anything I could have said or done?” Oh how I was I would have done things differently, was there anything I could have said or done – maybe; guess we’ll never know! My brain tells me it’s not my fault but my heart will always wonder… rest easy big brother.

After losing my youngest brother 4 months ago, my life has been in slow motion. I have had feelings that I never ever thought I would have, the only thing holding me together is my family that is very close to one another. This may sound odd – afterall, why would someone want to leave a loving family so violently & awful? Its left with an immense pain that feels like a broken heart that cannot be mended no matter what you do. Needless to say I am devastated! I was under the impression that I was the only person to feel this heartache and that no one could possibly understand how I felt. Depressed, confused, mad, sad beyond belief, anxious, lost, blame, lonely, devastated etc.etc. Unfortunately I was wrong. After reading daily, weekly, monthly posts on this site, I came to the realization that I was not alone. I was a part of this group “not by choice” that loves as hard as I do and hurts as bad as I do – feeling the way I was and understanding the unbearable pain I am going through! I embraced it with all my heart, thanks to this group, I have hope that together we will find a way to smile again and that there is hope even though it seems far away. If I had one wish, I would somehow try to make two wishes into one. I would wish to see my brother one more time so I could reiterate my love for him, hug & hold him, caress his face and most importantly let him know that I am proud to be his sister. The combined wish would be that every person thinking of suicide read all the posts on this site so they can realize the aftermath and massive impact this decision has on the people who love them and would do anything to save their life. Suicide ruins the lives of the people left behind! We are living proof… God bless you all.

I looked up to you. You were my only “full” sister. My only true sibling. We did everything together since I was born. You practically raised me being 10 years older. Nothing will ever be the same. I tried to find Happy and healthy since you couldn’t. I’m losing the battle too Trish. It’s not fair that you get to just give up and I have to stay here and deal. You were the smart one. You had the life skills to survive. I kept it together for my kids because I had to be a better influence then you. I still only keep it together for them. You have traumatized us all. We all tried to make you happy. You had it all. You were so smart. I know losing all your material things, job, boyfriend are heartbreaking things but you rebuild. You turned into an alcoholic and you just gave up. Why did you have to dwell so badly in your pain?? Why couldn’t you let it make you stronger. You told me you were going to get the phoenix rising tattoo. You told me you would never try to kill yourself ever again. You told me you would never put me through that again. I knew you were lying.

You went crazy. You were so drunk you called the cops. You kept trying to run down the street into traffic. I was happy she called the cops. The cops asked what I wanted and I said I just want her to go to bed. The cops asked her if that sounded ok and she said yes. That was it. We didn’t know she had a whole bottle of morphine hiding that she took from an expired patient of hers. She fell asleep forever and it will always be because I asked her to. I’ve never really had anyone to talk to about it. I had to move on quick and be a role model for my kids who she left beyond confused for a 7 and 10 year old. I thought it would get easier. I thought if I dove into finding happy and healthy that it would be ok eventually. I really did think I found it at some point, but I think I fell off the path because happiness is getting harder and harder to find again and I can’t stop thinking of you. You were my best friend when I had no friends. Thank you again for everything growing up. You spoiled me. It’s so hard going on without you. It’s almost Easter. Nobody else understands when I say happy easter and then make the Cadbury bunny chick noise. Bock bock ba gauck. Nobody hardly understands any of our inside jokes. I have no friends. You just really suck. Sorry whoever reads this. I’m pretty lost.