Trying to Cope with these Feelings (SiblingsSurvivors Guest Post)

Trying to Cope with these Feelings

My only sibling, younger brother of 24, committed suicide on June 7, 2018 by gun shot under the influence of narcotics and alcohol. I live in Denver, CO so I was informed a few hours after the incident after arriving to work. My family notified my place of employment so that when they told me, I wouldn’t be alone for long. I’ve never felt a feeling of weakness quite like I did trying to get out of my car. My legs were so weak that I melted to the ground, uncontrollably sobbing. I remember getting random messages asking if I knew from certain friends and family, but I ignored them thinking that if I didn’t indulge them then everything would be normal. The flight from Denver to my parents was the longest flight I had ever been on, even though it was only a few hours.
Upon hearing the news, my social media blew up. I was receiving messages, posts, texts, and phone calls so rapidly that I had to turn off my phone. Receiving so many prayers from friends and family, showing love and support, made me angry. I rather it all be traded in, leaving me with no love support or friends, and just have my brother back.
People show their condolences, and even told me of stories were they lost their love ones, however it wasn’t the same to me. They lost a love one due to sickness or freak accidents, I lost my love one because he took his life.
I have gone through waves of sadness, anger, and guilt. Guilt has been the worst to deal with. I feel guilty for not being there, not helping enough, and even after his death, I feel guilty for even the slightest smile, eating, and reminiscing on good times. I feel guilty for wanting the support to leave and guilty for the lack of support I gave to him.
I wish I could have told him how much I look forward to making memories with him as our life went on. I wish I told him more that I admired him as a human and I wish he could see how many people are hurt and devastated from losing him.
I am having trouble finding the right way to get my emotions out. People tell me that I can’t keep it in, because that isn’t healthy. I’m not 100% sure what is a healthy way of coping with a loss this heartbreaking, and I am scared for what the future holds for me and my family.
SDB

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4 Responses to Trying to Cope with these Feelings (SiblingsSurvivors Guest Post)

  1. Brook says:

    I remember lying on my couch praying…..praying that I would wake up and discover that it was all a terrible terrible nightmare, but every morning I woke to find that life was the same and that my little brother was gone. Guilt is a very very common emotion to feel. Why didn’t I see the signs, his pain, his need for help? My brother took his life 3 1/2 years ago and it is still painful everyday. I still think of him and feel the void of his loss every single day. I’m not going to tell you that time will heal your pain or that you will start to hurt less because that’s bullshit. Yell, scream, punch the wall. Do what you have to do to get the pain out. You will go on, you will live life, but you will always love and miss you brother. Siblings are pieces of ourselves and when those pieces are going it’s earth shaking. I pray and I look to God. My peace is found in trying to see the greater picture and in the hope that my brother has found peace from his storm. Where’s your peace found?

  2. Andrea says:

    My little brother just took his life on June 1st. Same situation. And I feel exactly the same way you do. I feel so horribly guilty that I couldn’t save my brother. I feel like a shitty sister. I was supposed to protect him. I can’t get the image out of my head either… my mom and I found him. I am definitely going to find a therapist to talk to. This is all so much and overwhelming. Love and light to you.

  3. Wumpa says:

    My brother too just took his life in the Denver area. June 1st. The guilt is palpable. I tried I told him he is loved and he can make it through this all. We made plans to move his life forward and then… now he’s gone and I miss him. I unfortunately hadn’t seen him in a long time but we kept in touch at times through calls and texts and a lot the last 6 weeks of his life. I tried to help but couldn’t overpower his mental illness.

  4. Katie says:

    My younger brother, my only sibling, also took his life at 23 in Denver. May 5 2018. We had no idea he was struggling with anything. No history of mental illness, depression, etc. I’m having so many of the same feelings— I couldn’t protect him, and I feel guilty for not texting him that I loved him and was proud of him when I had the gut feeling I should — turns out that he shot himself roughly fifteen minutes after I had that feeling and ignored it. So few people have gone through something like this. Losing a loved one to natural causes is nothing like this, even though people are just trying to relate. I love him and I miss him so much and I want him back more than I can say.

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