Trying to Cope with these Feelings
My only sibling, younger brother of 24, committed suicide on June 7, 2018 by gun shot under the influence of narcotics and alcohol. I live in Denver, CO so I was informed a few hours after the incident after arriving to work. My family notified my place of employment so that when they told me, I wouldn’t be alone for long. I’ve never felt a feeling of weakness quite like I did trying to get out of my car. My legs were so weak that I melted to the ground, uncontrollably sobbing. I remember getting random messages asking if I knew from certain friends and family, but I ignored them thinking that if I didn’t indulge them then everything would be normal. The flight from Denver to my parents was the longest flight I had ever been on, even though it was only a few hours.
Upon hearing the news, my social media blew up. I was receiving messages, posts, texts, and phone calls so rapidly that I had to turn off my phone. Receiving so many prayers from friends and family, showing love and support, made me angry. I rather it all be traded in, leaving me with no love support or friends, and just have my brother back.
People show their condolences, and even told me of stories were they lost their love ones, however it wasn’t the same to me. They lost a love one due to sickness or freak accidents, I lost my love one because he took his life.
I have gone through waves of sadness, anger, and guilt. Guilt has been the worst to deal with. I feel guilty for not being there, not helping enough, and even after his death, I feel guilty for even the slightest smile, eating, and reminiscing on good times. I feel guilty for wanting the support to leave and guilty for the lack of support I gave to him.
I wish I could have told him how much I look forward to making memories with him as our life went on. I wish I told him more that I admired him as a human and I wish he could see how many people are hurt and devastated from losing him.
I am having trouble finding the right way to get my emotions out. People tell me that I can’t keep it in, because that isn’t healthy. I’m not 100% sure what is a healthy way of coping with a loss this heartbreaking, and I am scared for what the future holds for me and my family.