For peter

To Peter, on the 23rd of May 2014 my whole world was turned upside down, I had music practice in town and I was coming home at around 9pm to find my dad and a neighbour trying to get the ropes off of you. I didn’t fully understand as I was only 11 at the time and had never fully understood suicide. My dad has come home from work to find you had committed suicide I ran to get my blanket to put around you and a knife to cut the rope off. Soon the ambulance and all our neighbours were in our garden. I was so scared and upset. My Mam fainted so that gave me more things to worry about . Me my Mam, dad and older brother stood beside you while the ambulance men tried to bring you back to life. But it was too late, you had been taken from this life and I never got to say goodbye. It is now over two years later and it’s only properly sinking in that Your gone forever . I love you so much and miss you so much. But I forget little memories everyday and it’s killing me to say that I even forget how to say your name sometimes. Life hasn’t been the same since you left, I’m finding it difficult to cope with most things and I struggle alone as I don’t tell anyone about my problems. I have friends but there is no one who understands the pain I’m going through . I have no one to turn to. Two years ago you left with no explanation, no note or text to explain why you thought suicide was the only answer. I really want to know why because I keep thinking and rethinking about things you said and I can’t help feeling that I might’ve said something to upset you. Please Peter help me to start to cope properly and try and talk to me if you can or send me signs that your with me because I’m starting to loose hope. I love and miss you so much. Love from your little sister aveX

Where do you begin?

I lost my brother to a gunshot wound last June. He had been suffering from PTSD and was seeking help, but he was haunted every minute of every day. Unfortunately, he took his own life and now my sister and I feel empty and have no hope for the future. I especially have no desire for anything anymore. My heart is broken.

 

Remembering Bobby

I lost my brother on March 28 of this year and it has been devastating to my family and me. I was moving forward on my grief journey until I visited his wife in his home. It was so difficult to spend time in his home and I feel like I have had a major setback in my grief journey. It hurts so much.

 

The Worst Night of My Life

It was an average day until around 12:00am, when policemen came knocking on our door, telling my Mom that a boy was found unconsciously lying on the ground floor of the apartment building and that they believed it was her son. They rushed us to the hospital, and that was it, it was my 2nd eldest brother; her son. Confirmed dead. Tears started flowing from my Mom’s and my little brother’s eye. I looked at my eldest brother who was trying to hold in his tears. My Mom tried a couple times to call my Dad who was on a business trip in Boston, but she couldn’t dial due to her hands shivering which was out of her control. My eldest brother helped her to call my Dad. My Dad picked up the phone and my Mom just started crying even harder, telling him to come home immediately and that their beloved son is now dead. It was the first time I felt so helpless, it felt like all the happiness in the world was gone. I wish 6/23 never existed in 2016.

 

Corey

Subject: Corey

I found my brother after he killed himself in October 2013, The pain everyday is horrible! I ask my self daily ” What could I have done different for him” ??? I still can not answer that question…. I miss him so much, his crazy smile, silly jokes, his wild and crazy curly hair!

 

Mitchell

I miss my brother so much his name was Mitchell I lost him to Suicide 3 weeks ago. He was only 28. He was my only brother and 9 years younger than me. He had a big court case coming up and he was afraid to go to jail even though we were getting him a lawyer. I can’t believe he did this. He was very depressed and felt he wasn’t going anywhere in life, no job, no wife, no kids and still living with my mom. He was on a lot of pills for depression. I miss him so much and I talk to him all the time. He believed in God and I just pray he is in heaven with God and our dad who died when my brother was only 12. Mitchell missed him a lot and I pray he’s ok and happy now and not in pain. It’s just so so so difficult to know he had the courage to shoot himself. I miss him and just want to talk to him. I pray it will get better. I have to take care of my 68 year old mom and my 1 year old son and it’s so hard. I love and miss Mitchell so very much.

 

August 13th is 1 year anniversary

Yo. Mom still never replaced the wallpaper in the kitchen (ha) and 8 mile is still as ghetto as it was when you visited. It’s your youngest sister. Along with your other siblings, M and A, your family, all your bar friends and anyone who ever met your humorous self… we all miss you so much. Being the youngest at the age of 15, I will have to deal with this the longest. My birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I know your birthday is ten days after it… I really wish I would have known about your depression, which you had before I was even born…..You kind of remind me of Robin Williams in some aspects because you seemed so happy and doubt-free. I read the letter you wrote to me almost everyday… At the funeral I felt the only realistically comforting support I got was a therapist’s number from the funeral director….. I hate overthinking and not being able to vent to people. I feel regret even as I know there is nothing I could have really done. This year in English, we had read a book called “Catcher in The Rye.” Even as most of my classmates said the book was a waste of trees, I do kind of feel like the main character, Holden. Maybe one day, i’ll be able to explain the book to you.. Even if we both question if Jesus exists and if you can even read this haha.

Miss my Midget

My brother killed himself “so they say” May 10th. He left no note or text or even a mention of anything. I raised him and took care of him his whole life. I can’t stop crying and thinking and crying and panic attacks are getting worse. Please help…

 

Facebook Page for Sibling Survivors

Hi all,
I lost my 23 year old sister February this year.
I still have trouble processing this is actually real.
I’ve created a fb page called SOS siblings of suicide.
It’s basically a place where I can share my feelings, quotes and videos that relate to suicide from loved ones.
I felt that ppl in my friends list weren’t too thrilled about me always posting these feelings so I’ve dedicated a page specifically for that.
Feel free to visit or share anything u like.
I created it for ppl just like us.

 

For Sis

Hey K,
It’s been over a year and it still feels like everything happened yesterday. I always thought I’d be the one to commit suicide because my illness was always out in the open. Your mental illness just crept up on me and everyone else even though it didn’t at the same time. I feel responsible because I know what it’s like to feel that hopeless and miserable and u didn’t see it in you. that fight we had over winter break still haunts me every moment of my life. Everybody says that you didn’t suffer but the amount of emotional turmoil I know you were in surpasses any physical suffering you could have experienced. Mom’s still pretty manipulative. I thought your death might open her eyes but it just made everything worse. She treats me like I’m not allowed to mourn you and acts as if she is the most affected by your death. She tries to blame your ex but I personally think a year of a bad relationship is nothing compared to the 19 years of emotional abuse that she put you through. She bought the plot next to you. She treats me the same as always. Anytime I cry, she cries ouder. It’s gotten so bad that I’ve pushed all of my grief down as usual. I can’t control or express my grief it’s just always there but I can’t access it. Now when I go to your grave or anything like that, I don’t get anymore sad than I already am, I just get angry about everything with Mom. I moved out to Nana’s though and I’m going to college this fall and getting my life together and it feels really good but I also hate it, honestly. I feel so guilty for moving on without you. When you first died, I thought maybe I was supposed to die too because I’d never been on this earth without you before. You were 19 when you died. I was 17 but I’ve aged so much in one year. I’m dreading the day that I’ll be on the earth longer than you ever were. I’m not mad at you but it hurts to know that you didn’t choose to live for me the way I chose to live for you. I miss you more everyday, Sis.
Love you,
G