Two years and 10 months ago, my brother killed himself.
He was 23 years old.
He had his whole life ahead of him.
And it was all over in an instant.
To be exact, I have not seen my brother in 1,041 days.
And in those 1,041 days, I have had a lot of time to think.
To think about the night “it” happened, and the moment I found out.
The moment that changed my life forever.
To think about all those years leading up to that moment.
And what I could’ve done differently.
I’ve replayed that night over and over again in my mind.
“Zachary took one of my guns and killed himself.”
My whole world spun.
I collapsed to the hard concrete.
Instantly my body was filled with a fierce cold.
Even though it was a painfully hot southern summer night.
It was the moment that altered my life forever.
And from that moment I have learned many lessons, three of which I will share with you today.
Lesson #1: Life is worth living.
I don’t care who you are or where you have been or what you’ve done, life is worth living. I don’t care how depressed you are, suicide is not the answer.There is always a reason to hold on. There is always a reason to keep fighting.
If you are someone who has considered suicide or see it as a viable option, you have to understand that your decision will affect people more than you realize.Even if you truly believe that no one will care, no one will miss you, or people would be happier if you were gone — You. Are. Wrong.
I guarantee you. If you think I am flat out wrong, I encourage you to open up to someone in your life and tell them that you are considering suicide. Allow at least one person into your pain, into the darkest confines of your mind, and perhaps you will feel less alone and perhaps that person will help you understand why you need to stay.
And if you don’t feel like you have anyone in your life who you can go to (which I highly doubt), there are amazing resources out there to support you in this pain. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week: 1–800–273–8255.
Lesson #2: You are not alone in your pain.
The biggest lie depression will tell you is that you are alone.
This is incredibly false.
Everyone has something. The more you get to know people, the more you realize that everyone is struggling to survive in some capacity. Maybe you too have lost a loved one. Maybe you lost your job and are struggling financially. Maybe you lost a friendship or a romantic relationship. Maybe you struggle with chronic depression, social anxiety, insecurity, loneliness, etc.
I can guarantee you that whatever you’re going through, no matter how specific or how highly personal the situation may be, there is at least one other person out there in the world who knows what you are feeling, who has experienced what you have experienced, and who is willing to help you get to the other side.
I’ve always heard that life has a tendency to repeat itself, and the older I get, the more I realize how true this is. If life just keeps repeating itself, and if there are people out there who have faced what we have faced, why don’t we leverage the wisdom of those people?
Buy a self-help book, listen to a podcast, see a therapist — I don’t care what you do. Just do something. Just start somewhere. Better yet, start now.
Find a way to leverage the wisdom of those who have gone before you, those who have already known the pain of what you’re experiencing and can save you days, months, and years of more pain by guiding you through whatever you are going through.
Lesson #3: Gratitude is the only path to happiness.
Happiness does not lead to gratitude.
Gratitude leads to happiness.
We can focus on the fact that we lost my brother after 23 short years, or we can make the decision to be grateful for the 23 years he gave us.
You can focus on the relationship that suddenly came to an end, or you can focus on what you learned from that relationship and how it changed you for the better.
You can focus on the job that you lost, or you can channel all of your frustration and energy into finding something else.
Everyday when you wake up in the morning, you have a choice.
You can focus on what’s going wrong in your life.
Or you can strive to seek the light.
You can allow yourself to be filled to the brim with negativity.
Or you can strive to seek the light.
I don’t care who you are, you have a reason to be grateful.
Even if it’s only, “I am grateful for two eyes to see the world around me” —
That’s still something.
Life is worth living. You are not alone in your pain. And gratitude is the only path to happiness.
If you don’t know where to begin, start with those three simple concepts.
Keep repeating these phrases to yourself, even if you don’t believe them.
Life is worth living.
You are not alone in your pain.
And gratitude is the only path to true, lasting happiness.
If no one has told you this today, I am glad you are here.
I am happy you are alive.
You have a reason for being here.
A mission, a purpose.
And I hope you give yourself enough time on this planet to find that purpose.
Sincerely,
Someone Who Cares
Contact the author:
Haley Hoyle
hhoyle@alumni.nd.edu
medium.com/@hhoyle

Today has been 10 weeks. that amount of time feels like a year, a day and that you never left us all rolled into one.
sometimes I look at the clock at 1:08 AM on Thursdays and remember that’s when I heard the truck leave. I can’t get the sound of the truck turning on out of my head. You told me you were “fine” 13 minutes before you left the house. I thought you were going to Walmart or something. im still mad at you that you hid the notes from me. I know that you knew that I was probably the one that was going to find them. im mad that you texted me “night. love you” and then walked past my door and left the house to do what you did, leaving us. All you had to do was knock on my door. I wouldn’t have been mad that you had started drinking again. if you told me that you wanted to kill yourself I would have driven you to the hospital so fast you wouldn’t know what happened. I always wanted the best for you.
today, dad brought in the UFO you made for halloween. it’s huge and sitting above my car in the garage but it’s fine. it looks like it’s taking off into flight the way it’s leaning against the wall.
I miss you. sometimes I pretend that you’re at work and that you’ll just be home later.
I know that it was you that turned on the lamp on your nightstand the other night. did you do it bc you know that every time I leave and enter my room I glance to your bedroom? my counselor said that I should close your door, bc that’s probably setting me back but I can’t bear to do it. Do you remember that you left that lamp on when you left the house that night?
“hearts yo”

Serg today was an extremely hard day, we transfered your car title, had lunch with your boys and felt your presence with us. I of course, could not hold my tears, I cried the entire day because I smelled you in your car & felt as if you were right next to me telling me how not to change the gears and remembering our drives to CVS at 2am.. You changed my life in so many ways Serg, my heart is so broken, I think of you all day sometimes I laugh, other times I smile but most times I cry because I miss you so much. I know that I will see you again but knowing that I wont on this earth is heartbreaking to me. I just want to tell you that I am so sorry that your life ended this way, I cant imagine how low you must of felt to end your life this way, you didnt think of what an impact this would have on our mom & dad, your boys, neices, cousins and me your sis that adored you and that was there for you no matter what. I miss you saying “I love you sis” and although I have it all over my texts I would give up everything just to hear you say it again.
My love for you was unconditional, this is the only peace I have knowing that you knew how much I love you because not a day went by that I didnt prove my love for you I just wish you would have loved me the same because if you did you wouldnt have left me this way, I believed you when you told me “I promise you sis I wont do this to you” & you left a few months later… Here we are 4 months without you and mom & dad are miserable, mom cries everyday for you, if only you could see how broken she is she’s so devastated nothing can make her smile not even me and you know how close we are, dad is just hanging in there occasionally I will catch him in a daze thinking and notice his eyes sad, Tony of course misses his bro, and me well you know you took a piece of my heart and I cant seem to mend it! All we can do is continue to live feeling emptiness, pain, heartbreak and incomplete because we are missing a big part of our life YOU. Some how I got through my miserable birthday now we have to go through your boys bdays next week, dads in june, YOURS in august, moms in Sept and Tonys in Nov not to mention mothers & fathers day. Oh serg why why why? God help us I beg you. Love you sergio with all my heart.

I was 18th, about to start college, when I heard a violent knock on my door; the police asking for a body found on the bottom floor. I was naively watching the office on my room while my older brother jumped from our 9th floor balcony. It was the most devasting and shocking day of my life. The last contact we had was a discussion. We had a terrible relationship; he was a very violent and toxic person to live with. He was a bipolar ezquizofrenic, recently diagnosed at the time, although he had been manifesting the character for almost his entire life, especially since he became adolescent. Our family life was very toxic first due to our father and later because of him. He made me very anxious, he made me feel unworthy, he had almost no boundaries. I was very mad and afraid of him at the same time.
Tonight, my mother asked me once again, to forgive him, and I just get even madder at him. After he died I experienced ptsd typical symptoms and been struggling with self esteem and self distructive thoguhts, depression and so on. Although I managed to move on with my life on some aspects, there is a thick black cloud following me around, not let me know if I miss him, If what hurts is what he did pr that he is not longer here. Confusion big time.
How do you cope with a lost of an older brother to suicide which relationship was extremely toxic?
I’ve been talking about this in therapy for years but it’s the first time I reach out for help online.

December 17, 2017… the day my brother R.W “Dub committed suicide. He was 38, I am 34. He was my favorite person, my favorite Marine, I looked up to him in so mamy ways and feel like part of me died with him that day. I cry everyday even when I don’t realize that I’m crying tears flow down my cheeks. I pick up my phone and text him because …. I really don’t know why. I’ve tried so bard to put on a brave face for my parents, my Kids and my husband but i juat cry. Im unsure how go throughout my life when he should be here, he was teaching my about facial hair because my son so wanted to grow a magnificent Beard like uncle Dub. He was teaching my 4 year old How to write his name Via video chat…. She doesn’t understand why he didn’t take his phone. We had plans, See he’s gonna be a daddy next month and we were going to go to D.C. before the baby arrived. I feel so many things, I’m hurt mad, I’m heartbroken, I’m glad he’s no longer fighting the inner demons we didn’t know he had. I’m hopeful that he’s found peace but all at the sametime I feel like I’ll never be whole again. I talked with him Just hours before he took his life and had no idea he was feeling this way. I feel guilty for not knowing, for not being there for him, for letting him feel so alone and depressed that he felt this is what was best. I know as a FR Marine he has seen and done so many unimaginable things that the PTSD was far to much. But my heart is broken because I need him. See pur Dad has ALS and is terminal…. He was supposed to be here to stand by my side when our dad passes. I feel alone. He was my bad ass Marine big brother and always knew what to do… How do I pick up the pieces of what’s left of my heart and carry on? It’s been 3 months and I feel like I cry subconsciously… 24-7. Everything reminds me of him ,but why wouldnt it he has always been a major roll in my life. A daily call or text, seen something he’d like…. He was my Dub and now he’s gone.
Reading over some of the post here I see that this pain may never subside. I’m not 100 % sure what I was looking for but write this down may help so why not vent and put it into word where no one pity’s me or judges me. Thank you for any thoughts or prayers youcould send my way!

Miss You

Jacob,
I miss you today. You were light in my life. I wish you knew that. I miss your hugs. I wish you knew how loved your were. You were perfect to me and I love you forever.

It’s not an exaggeration. She died because of me.
I still can’t forgive myself six years later. You died because of me. We were the same person but you knew I couldn’t take care of us both so you made the decision for us. The rest of our siblings blame me. Our parents blame me. I blame me. I miss you so much and I can’t move on. I work to forget this pain, but when I am in my own life all I can do is miss you. I am not depressed or lonely I am alone and I haven’t found anything like the love we had. I can not build any relationships because to others my pain is ugly. I miss you. I’m sorry for driving you away little sister. I’m sorry for not taking care of you.

Subject: I lost my older brother today

My brother passed away today. He killed himself. He was my only sibling. His wife of 30 years left him a month ago. I and others have tried to help him. Then I got the call this morning. He planned it very carefully labeling everything in the house and who should get it. Why didn’t he call me first? You call your brother when you need help. That’s what brothers are for. He was heartbroken and crushed and could no longer take the pain. I feel like I am in a nightmare. The grief I feel is terrible. I have lost a part of me.

Today marks 10 whole years since you’ve been gone. Not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought about you or imagined what we would be doing right now if you were still here with me. Would you be married? Would I be an aunt? Would we be thick as thieves? I was in the room the day you came into this world and I was also there the day you left and my soul aches for all the missed life moments and events that I won’t get with you. I hope you know that you are always remembered and always missed. The light of the world dulled when you left and a part of me went with you… until we meet again.

It has been four months since you took your life. How does it feel like just yesterday? How have I even made it through these past months? I feel so alone, like you abandoned me here on this cruel earth. Most days I don’t register what has happened, but that must be my minds way of keeping me safe. When will I understand that you are actually gone forever? When will I FEEL that you are actually gone?
None of my friends know what to say so they say nothing to me. No one knows what to say. Which in turn makes me feel even more alone.
Your suicide has consumed my mind. I miss you so much… it’s unbearable.
Your sister