As I sit at my desk, working overtime at the law office in NYC, I have been doing my best to put my head down and trudge through life without you Rebecca. Just as you would have wished for me to keep going. However, sometimes I just can’t think straight, my mind becomes paralyzed thinking about you and how empty I feel inside and in life without your living presence. Since you chose to leave my life in early December, ironically enough while I was working, I have been distracting myself with work and use it as a crutch to escape the painful recollection and cold reality that you are no longer here. No one to text, no one to send goofy memes to, and more importantly, no other sibling to brighten mom’s and dad’s life. Most of the time, I close out that part of me to save face in public but when I am sitting at my desk either at work or my apartment, I can’t help but think of your everlasting memory and sometimes just break down at the mere glance of a photo of us and our wonderful family of four. Today has been tougher than many of the more recent months. The reason primarily being that I cannot believe mom’s birthday is in 2 days and dad’s is in 4, and I don’t know what to get them. I know you would say “I don’t either” but I know you would have an idea on what books to get mom or dad and what music/TV show/movie I should get for them. As I sit in the office, trying to keep myself together, all I wish is that you don’t bear the weight of your demons anymore, the stresses, problems, depression and angst, and that you grant mom and dad the greatest gift of all, a sense of peace and happiness in your absence. Love, your big brother

My dear sweet brother. We only lost you a few weeks ago and the reality of the permanency of what you’ve done has only just hit us. It has tore Mum apart and nothing will ever be the same. I have so many questions and am feeling numb but at the same time my mind is racing. Life seems to go on around us but we feel stuck in this never ending cycle of grief. The pain you must have been in breaks my heart, but the pain we are all in without you is utterly unbearable…

Hi Serg, we are now at 3 Months without you.. The only thing that has changed is the time. Is it really true that time heals a broken heart?? If so, why are we still broken? The truth is we will always be broken. Your boys are doing bad, your youngest wants to stay in bed all day everyday and mentions that he hates his life, your eldest is trying really hard to move on. They were over at moms this weekend and watched all the home videos you took of all of us as they grew up year after year.. My mom is devastated, not one day goes by without crying for you and blaming herself for you leaving us. Our dad is trying to live and help our mom each day. Me, well I am trying to fix, heal, help, comfort everyone.. I just paid off your car and we are keeping it to remember you, we know how much you loved your car. Not a day will go by that I stop asking WHY WHY WHY??? We loved you, we helped you, we were there for you unconditionally, we had your back in good times and bad WHY did you do this to us WHY mom & dad did not deserve to live the rest of their retired life with this unbearable pain WHY??? But no matter what, I meant what I told you that I will always protect you so how dare I question you or even get mad at you Sergio.. I will love you and miss you all my life and I will promise to make it somehow less painfull for our parents, your kids and all our family that loved you. I hold on to my faith that we will eventually be together again and that I will be able to hold you & kiss you any time I want to (: I love you my angel. Your sis

Dear Raphael, (nickname)
You’re gone. How simple and life destroying that statement is. How utterly unbelievable this really is. I hear you laugh behind my screams of dispare. I hear the witty comebacks and the smartass remarks and see you around every block. Looking and looking. You were my big brother and the only one i had. You make me angry. Even now 3 months later, angry tears fill my eyes and my fists clench. You escaped and fled life. You make me fight that much harder to get through this life and make my way. You couldnt live with out mom. You barely made it through her birthday. Few days later you were gone. Never seeing your face again drives me crazy. I never got to really say good bye. I never really believe i cant talk to you ever again. It kills me we didnt do more, but i look back and realize … we lost ourselves and failed to care for any one but our own broken hearts. You took yourself away from me, you took all that laughter and silly with you and left my life a lot more empty. I hope you see me now, i am trying so hard. I hope you feel my feelings because i can never let this anger go. mom ripped a hole in my life but loosing you right after, the pain became a black hole. And with it all my hope. In some ways i hate you. In many more others i love you and i feel sad for you. I miss you ultimately and formost. Ttyl tata for now.

My brother was my only sibling and 4 years ago, he hanged himself. He was 55. I knew he was having business worries, but never imagined he would leave his wife, daughter, our Mum and me. I wrote a poem for his funeral……
My big brother, was always there
Life’s ups and downs, we’d often share
My first memory of you, you were being a pain
Playing giddy up horsey with my reins
You taught me how to ride your bike
Introduced me to rock music, which I still like.
At school your giggly fan club, would tip me the nod
So I had my own protection squad
When I gave a prospective boyfriend, a goodnight snog
You chased him down the road, with our old dog
Your future seemed set with pastures new
Looking forward to happy days with your girls too
But now you’re gone and I don’t know why
All I can do, is sit and cry
I love you more than you’ll ever know
I can’t believe you had to go
As I watch the sun rise, it’s you I see
Please remember, give Dad a kiss from Mum and me

My brother was 16. So full of love… so full of life. He was a Sr in high school and was 2 weeks away from turning 17. He had a scholarship for welding. He loved boxing… knew how to skateboard. He was gonna be “the one” who made it, “the one” who made a name for himself, to be “the better one” out of the rest of my family.
I hadn’t seen him in a while, it was about month since I last spoke to him. He seemed fine. He was in love, he was happy, he was… himself. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. He was growing his hair, on top… so he asked me french braid it.. I’ll never forget the way his hair felt in my hands. Never.
I got the call from my sister. “J***** shot himself” I froze… dropped everything I was doing and made my way towards the hospital. The sound of the woman’s voice on the intercom still haunts me to this day – “Code blue Trama ICU”.. All my family and I could do was wait… pray, and hope that he would make it because somehow– love should have been enough.
He didn’t. My parents weren’t even there to be with him as he took his last breath. Me being the oldest, I had to tell my younger brothers (who were 9 and 6) that we just lost our brother. The way they fell to their knees breaks my heart each time I think about it.
We all miss him so much, we all wish there was more that we could do, more that we could say to remind him that he meant something to us, that we loved him with every ounce of our beings.
It’s been 6 months. I think about him all the time, I carry his picture on the dashboard of my car next to the speedometer. That song 1-800 by Logic reminds me of him. It was the “most played” on his Spotify Playlist. He did have a hard life, he got it the worst out of all of us… and I wish so hard everyday that I could have been there for him more.
Jelly Bean, I love you and I’m sorry if I never showed it as much as I said it. Rest easy baby, be a butterfly.
Always, Amanda.

Subject: My Big Goofball Brother

The night before we played with the dogs breaking in their new toys. Pearl of course took all her toys to the bedroom and you snuck in and took them all away only for her to take them back in. This happened 5 billion times.
Later we sat on your bed drinking hot coca specially made by you, heavy whip cream on top. We were browsing your liked videos on youtube and joking about how some people are so foolish. We made some stupid inside jokes, OHMS, ba doom tssss, Jorge or Jorge.
That silly Darth Vader shirt you had on, “free throat hugs”, clung to every single one of Felix’s hairs. I left your room that night with you two wrestling with Felix’s new stuffed squeaking pig. You always loved dogs. You even brought home the best dog in the world for me.
I’m might be headed to college next year but I still nesd my big brother to send me shitty videos and tell me what I should watch and do.
I was ganna teach you how to drop in on a pipe (snowboarding) on Monday, now I don’t think I can even go snowboarding at all. You were right beside me when I learned. Falling every time I falled or making me fall.
I love you even if you left me this confused and sad. I’m still waiting for this to be a prank.

Subject: Help

5 years have past. Yet I still reach for the phone. I can’t accept that you would leave us when you know the pain .

Subject: Miss you, baby brother

My baby brother hung himself in his home, 4 months ago. We were close, and I never saw this coming. He’d been depressed for the last month and a half before he took his own life. We talked often, I still didn’t see this coming. He was having marriage troubles, was working in getting his license back, and had some debt he needed to clear up. I was helping him get back on track. He came home from work early in the 12th anniversary of our fathers death and caught his wife with one of his best friends (who also happened to be our cousin). That was it. No note, nothing. I miss him so much. I try so hard to block out the “what if’s”. But it’s hard. Aside from the month a half before he died, he was always happy go lucky. I miss him so much. It’s a pain that you can’t describe and a pain that only anyone who’s ever lost a loved one to suicide, can ever understand. I know that time is supposed to help. But I feel like it’s getting worse. I miss him more and more everyday. Til we meet again, baby brother. I love you!

Subject: Thinking of you

Today is just another day in my life. Nothing special. My life is good, but would be better if you were still with us. I love and miss you so much.