To Sammie, my bookend angel

At 21 years old, I should be out destroying my liver in the name of ignorance fueled youth. At 14 you should’ve been swooning over a boy I’d eventually have to threaten. Never in my life could I have fathomed that your daddy was going to call me with this news July 31st. My entire world crumbled. My kiddo is gone. Some days it feels like entirely too much to handle. We were bookend siblings. We were a team. I’m not mad at you. My heart hurts. It hurts to know you were hurting bad enough that you felt this was your only option. I love and miss you so much.

 

I’ll always be your little sister….

Dear Brother
It’s been a while, 7 years in fact, and life has never really been the same since that that day. God only knows how much you struggled, and I can only imagine how much pain you went through. I understand, it just still hurts so much.
I know you would want me to be happy and free, in ways you couldn’t be, but I have to be honest and say how much it still hurts. I know I’m not the same, but I’m trying really hard to be the genuinely happy person I was way back when. Please don’t feel bad about what happened, it’s not your pain to feel anymore, but I pray that one day I will take the pain and become all that I am sure you would love me to be.
I miss you brother. Even though there was a big age gap between us, I feel connected to you like no one else in our family. You and I are so similar, and sadly it’s only through your death that I now see how many things we share in common – spirituality, love of adventure, and music. I wish so much you were still here to explore these things with you now that I’ve grown up. To be your friend.
I love you. I always did, even when I was too caught up in my own trivialities that kept me from trying to help you more. Time cannot bring you back, but I know that I’ll see you again one day and till then, you’ll be with me through it all, every step of the way.
I’ll always be your little sister. You’ll always be my big brother. There will always be love.
xxx

 

My Dear Sister

My Dear sister, I miss your smile and laugh. Also, your kindness, generosity and humor. The day I found out you left is was the worst day of my life. I have such good memories of you and the generosity you have shown everyone who knew you and loved you. You must know many people loved you especially your family. We desperately miss you. Many nights I stare at the stars and think about you. We will always love you.
Your loving sister, June

 

My rock has crumbled

My brother robbie and i had a hard time growing up. we were poor and our parents were separated. we were moved to florida from new hampshire when we were very small so my mother could start a new life. all though my mom tried her best rob and i always had very bad things happening to us. but no matter how bad it seemed we always had each other. we did everything together . my big brother was the world to me . we have older siblings and a younger brother from my moms 2nd husband but no one else had the same mom and dad so we were especially close.August 14 2016 i found my brother dead in his bathtub. he shot himself in the head with a cross bow. it was the worst day of my life so far. i miss him. everyone else is mad at him but i am not i am just void of happiness now. i have no one who will be my robbie now. we both have mental issues and take medicine and we are both under a lot of stress. four days before i found him i googled how to kill myself without hurting my kids and family. it should have been me not him. however i have 3 kids and i couldn’t do it. robbie has a son named joseph. he is only 1 1/2 years old and lives in a hospital for a rare disease called crouzons. my nephew is a wonderful baby but my brother had a lot on his plate. he has paranoid delusional schizophrenia and he heard voices and saw things. he always thought the government was after him and other people too. also he had a terrible accident about 10 years ago the left him in a lot of pain everyday. the day before he did it he took me to the movies and to the mall . we saw the new suicide squad movie it was great. we had fun we even sat in a chair for a mall massage . the massage hurt his legs really bad though. then i got my toes done and he was so happy . we were together and had fun. that was my last day with him. the next day i was going thru some issues myself and was going to his house because i needed him to talk to. he always had good advice for me and he is the one person in the world i am safe around. robbie would never hurt my feelings or put me down he was the best brother on the earth. he always helped me with my babies and they all were so close to him. now my 13 year old daughter is a total wreck.my 12 year old son is very protective of me like he wants to take robbies place and my 7 year old girl didn’t talk for a while. now they are trying to get back to normal but i can see the difference in they’re faces. i cry about every 10 minutes and i keep seeing him like that. we had an open casket at my request so that i could try to remember him sleeping instead of the horrible way i found him but it isn’t working. i keep having nightmares. robbie was my rock.i am currently off of my medicine and i think i need therapy but i don’t think that therapy will work like maybe it will or it may make things worse. there are so many thoughts i have but that is just the jist of what’s going on in my head right this moment. i need someone to be my adult right now i am not capable of doing this alone.

I miss him so much

It’s not even been a month that my brother hanged himself. Still not able to believe that he is no more in this world. Not able to understand why I am still alive. I feel responsible for everything he had gone through. I feel like dying. I did not speak to him as I was angry at him for few months. Before talking to him he left. I need him back.

 

To Dean

Dean, I can’t be mad at you. You were my second half for 22 years. I would’ve done anything to have had my little brother for much much longer. But you couldn’t take it anymore. I’m just going to miss you so so much. I don’t doubt that you loved me, loved all of us. And I know that the happiness you had–even at the end–was real and true. I wish you would have opened up about your inner turmoil. That just wasn’t you though, was it?
I’m trapped in that bathroom with you though Dean. I can’t stop thinking about what was passing through your mind as you lit that grill, tapped the door, and put our pictures around you. Anytime I hear a household sound I wonder if you heard the same before you went to sleep. I hurt so badly Dean. To see dad fall to his knees. To know mom was so far away and to hear her on the phone. To see Kristy try to rush past the cops. Did you remember when we would try to splash the water out of the tub as kids when you layer down in it? Did you remember the times when we would ride on grandma’s knees as you wheeled the grill in past her chair? I can’t stop thinking about all of this. I’m trapped in there with you.
I know you didn’t want to hurt us. I know that you knew it would, but you still felt like this was what you needed to do. I’m trying to be happy that you’re at peace Dean. But I’m a terribly selfish brother. I want nothing more than for you to barge into my room and laugh again.
I love you Dean. I’ll always miss you.

 

To my Bestie

My bestie, this day is 38 years too early !!!
You always said you would only be ready to leave this world behind if you reached the age of 77, 1977 was your birth year, but this day came 38 years too early !!!
You always told me one day when we are old, how the two of us is going to live together, I always imagined those days on my mind, never expecting that you would take that change away from us.
But this day was 38 years too early!
You are not supposed to be with me in spirit, but we’re supposed to feel your hugs and kisses;
You’re not supposed to be in my dreams and thoughts for the rest of my life, but we are supposed to plan together our next travel trip that we so much loved to do;
Your children are not supposed to live rheir lives without their mother, but you’re supposed to share with them every big event;
We’re not supposed to a Christmas or birthday with your seat empty, but you’re supposed to share those important days with us;
and our parents were not supposed to bury their child.
Nettie , you were not only Lynette my loving sister for 38 years but truly my best friend, ‘my person’
But this day came 38 years too early and I will have to go through life without hearing your voice, laughing with you, gossiping with you and loving you!
This was the first time you decided to travel on your own, an unknown journey to an unknown destination. My heart will be broken forever, we were travel buddies, and now I have to travel alone, only taking our memories with me.
My dear sister, may your death not go unnoticed, no one’s life that you touched should ever be the same again, and no one should ever forget lesson we all learn from your death.
For this day, 38 years too early !!!

 

Remembering Sharon

It has been 2 months and one week, since my sister, Sharon killed herself. I am still in a state of shock that she is gone. The way she killed herself is also something that haunts me. She bought a gun and two days later, went to a church park, laid down and shot herself in the head.

She had struggled with bouts of depression her entire life, and the last two months before she died were very hard, She was severely depressed and had countless medical tests done to determine what was causing the physical pain. No diagnosis was ever provided. She had just started going to a psychiatrist and counselor before her death. She checked herself into a behavioral center and was released five days later. I also took her to an emergency room spending the day getting tests done. She was shuffled along in the mental health care system with no help for her severe depression or state of mind.

Some days are worse than others. I hope every day that I can find the strength to go on without her. I miss her so much. We were very close, but I had no idea that she would ever take her own life. I just want to hear her voice again. I want to remember her life, not her death. I hope someday I can.

 

Still can’t talk about my brother

My brother Jimmy committed suicide 39 yrs ago this August 30. For years we would talk around it, if someone asked how he died, we’d say in an accident. He died in a time when you didn’t talk about suicides. Over the years I still don’t talk about him. He was my older brother and I love him very much. He was 27 when he died and he was my best friend, my mentor, the one I could always count on and then he was gone. He was a great guy with a big heart and the problem I still have is I can never talk about him and tell people all the great memories I have. I feel ashamed to the them how he took his life. I feel like I’m betraying him, telling his secret. I know that’s crazy but that’s how we were brought up. If anyone has tips on getting started on opening up, I appreciate it.

 

For peter

To Peter, on the 23rd of May 2014 my whole world was turned upside down, I had music practice in town and I was coming home at around 9pm to find my dad and a neighbour trying to get the ropes off of you. I didn’t fully understand as I was only 11 at the time and had never fully understood suicide. My dad has come home from work to find you had committed suicide I ran to get my blanket to put around you and a knife to cut the rope off. Soon the ambulance and all our neighbours were in our garden. I was so scared and upset. My Mam fainted so that gave me more things to worry about . Me my Mam, dad and older brother stood beside you while the ambulance men tried to bring you back to life. But it was too late, you had been taken from this life and I never got to say goodbye. It is now over two years later and it’s only properly sinking in that Your gone forever . I love you so much and miss you so much. But I forget little memories everyday and it’s killing me to say that I even forget how to say your name sometimes. Life hasn’t been the same since you left, I’m finding it difficult to cope with most things and I struggle alone as I don’t tell anyone about my problems. I have friends but there is no one who understands the pain I’m going through . I have no one to turn to. Two years ago you left with no explanation, no note or text to explain why you thought suicide was the only answer. I really want to know why because I keep thinking and rethinking about things you said and I can’t help feeling that I might’ve said something to upset you. Please Peter help me to start to cope properly and try and talk to me if you can or send me signs that your with me because I’m starting to loose hope. I love and miss you so much. Love from your little sister aveX