Category Archives: Guest Post

My Big Sis x

I have a feeling I am a lot younger than most people on here, but why does that matter? Nomatter what age you are, going through this isn’t easy, in fact it’s so painfully difficult that it can cause severe strains on us living our lives. My big sister left us 5years ago now, but being an unknowledgable 9year old girl, I didn’t really understand what had really happened or comprehended that I would never see my lovely sister again. Now, I have, and I feel extreme levels of grief as if I just lost her. My mood swings are extremely intense, I’ll go from being sad to confused to angry to completely numb. It’s so so nice to know that there are people out there that get what I’m going through, because it’s not easy and often, I feel alone. I love you Chiara and I will never stop missing you <3

I miss you…

A week ago my brother took his own life. He and I, as well as our older sister, have always been close. We all lived together. Despite being close, ive learned so much about him in this Last week. His girlfriend shot herself when they were sixteen, but I thought that he had moved on. He had a fiancé that loves him, and a stepson that meant the world to him. He also had a very bad drinking problem. My brother in law told me that he came home one night and found my brother sitting on the couch with my pistol laying next to him. Jeff looked at our brother in law and said,”it would have been so easy.” I can’t help but feel like, if I had known, I could have stopped him from actually going through with it. What I’ll never understand is why he used my gun. Of all the other guns in the house, of all the other ways he could have done it, why my gun? This week without him has been the hardest time in my life, and I have no idea how I am supposed to go on without him. I love you so much jeff, I will miss you every day.

Losing 2 Sisters to suicide in 8 weeks

I have lost both my sisters to suicide in 8 weeks, my youngest 17th December 16 & my eldest 10th February 17. They died 8 weeks apart. I have been plunged into a world of darkness where i am suddenly an only child & where life as i know it has ended. The pain is indescribable & i have no idea how I can move forward, leave my parents & return to work. I miss them both so much & in different ways.

Bro

My younger brother, Jeff, decided to put an end to his struggling. March 10, 2014. You may wonder why, almost 3 years later, I decided to start grieving. Well…Right after he shot himself, I started a physical decline which included both hips being replaced and a 3 inch screw being put in my foot. With all that, came Norco. I almost think it was God’s way of numbing my pain.
I’m just about done with the ‘meds’ used to wean off Norco. So now I’m feeling everything. It’s like, “Holy $h*t” my brother’s gone.
We were bonded together through adict parents. Neither of us wanting to ‘deal’ with them. But we always had each other’s back. One way or another. I’ve never laughed as hard as I have with him. He could just get me rolling somehow. We even lived together after both moving out (or being kicked out) at different times. He was a different character for sure…
Praying for a moment of peace, where we remember them and the sibling love that was shared. It wouldn’t hurt this bad if the love wasn’t there. So feel that again, if only for a moment.
Thanks for this…

So lost right now (SiblingsSurvivors Guest Post)

I just learned last night that my brother killed himself. He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about a year ago and was having a really hard time with it. I just saw him at Christmas, and he really seemed like he was doing okay. We talked and laughed a lot every day. I am just so heartbroken right now, I don’t know what to do. I keep thinking things would have been different if I just called him more, if I just tried a little harder. I can’t believe I’m never going to see him again or talk to him or hear his laugh. Does this ever get easier? I just hope he knew how much I loved him, and I hope he is finally at peace.

Lettre ouverte

Petite pensée pour toi ce soir fréro, j’voulais que tu sache que j’taime, j’taime pour toujours pis j’pense pas que je te l’ai jamais dit directement, mais je le pense pis je le pense vraiment. P’tête qu’on a jamais pu se connaitre comme il faut pis que je t’ai connu d’une mauvaise façon, mais aujourd’hui je comprend plus que jamais qu’est-ce que tu ressentais et comment est-ce que tu as réagis face à ce que tu vivais. C’était pas la meilleur solution pour nous mais c’était peut-être la meilleure que tu voyais à ce moment. J’ai rien pu faire, j’étais trop innocent et j’ai vu venir mais j’ai rien fait parce que j’étais qu’un enfant qui voulais arrêter de voir sa mère pleurer. Aujourd’hui je me rend compte à quel point j’étais dans l’erreur et â quel point je donnerais tout pour te parler encore une fois et te connaitre. Je sais que j’étais le pire des cons avec toi que tu croyais tout de même en moi fréro, et je t’en suis éternellement reconnaissant. Sache que ce soir je t’en fais la promesse, je vais me rendre loin, plus loin que jamais tu l’aurais espérer de moi et ce, pour toi, parce que je pense que quelque part tu es encore la, tu es encore en train de nous protéger. C’est drole comment même en étant non croyant dans nos moments difficiles on se retourne vers nos croyances. J’imagine que présentement je me retourne vers toi. Parce que je crois au plus profondément que tu m’as été le plus grand des professeur, plus grand que tout les professeurs que je vais jamais rencontrer, tu es celui qui m’a appris la vie.

My Dear Big Brother

Last month, December 15th… you left us. We will never be the same, life has changed as we know it. And the reality, is a devastating one.
You were the anchor, the beginning of our brood of 6 kids. You built us up, encouraged us, ensured that we knew you were always there… even when you were in so much pain. I miss you, so very much. I don’t have the words. In my 28 years of life… I NEVER thought I’d say goodbye to a sibling. A piece of my heart.
Mom and dad are crushed. Dad questions everything you said to him those few days before… he holds every word, locked in his mind. As I was making your memorial slideshow… I tried to hide the photos so mom wouldn’t see. She stared at your baby pictures with such sadness, she holds every chapter of your life in her heart. I can’t look them in the eyes, the pain there is too hard to bare.
You helped mom and dad raise us siblings. You’re the reason I am the person I am, you shaped so many aspects of my life by just being my big brother. I miss your giant hugs, our long talks, the way you’d jam out to your favourite tunes, your stories from your travels, our movie nights, your goofiness and teasing, your brooding laugh, your cheek smooches, your support, your loving gentle heart, your nicknames for each of us.
You left behind two baby girls, and a young wife. We promise to all pull together, we will surround our sister-in-law and nieces with love and support. Your girls will know you… we will make sure they do. From comic books to punk music, they’ll know about their papa and how much he loved them.
Before you passed, you asked me to be the godmother to the girls… an honour I’ll now cherish even more. Forever. Thank-you for that.
Each day gets harder, reality hasn’t set in. I feel lost, I feel so weak just going through the motions. I stare at the hustle and bustle of life around me, wondering why strangers aren’t stopping what their doing. Because my brother’s gone, and life shouldn’t move on.
As I try to sleep at night, our last conversation, last text, last hug… runs through my mind over and over. I miss you. I’m sorry I didn’t check on you… I’m sorry you were in so much pain. The loss of you, has been felt by so many. You took care of so many, you were loved by so many. I hope you know that.
I love you so very much, and always will.
Your sister, MF

Sissy Poo

My sweet Sissy Poo, It’s been one month since the worst day of my life. The shock and horror of hearing that you were gone still plays in my mind over and over. I wanted to be with you right away! I wanted to talk to you and hug you. Even though you struggled most of your life with suicidal thoughts, I still can’t believe you did it. Even though I knew you thought about it, and even tried before, I’m still shocked you are gone. My only comfort right now is knowing you are finally at peace. I drive myself crazy thinking about what I could have done differently.  Could I have done anything?  Did I fail you?  You know how much I love you, and I know you love me too. I see where you left the note on your fridge that I left you last time I was home. You are so loved and so missed by all of us. I feel you all of the time.  Keep sending me little messages that you are ok and here with me.  Today I saw a turtle and I know that was a sign.  Keep visiting me in my dreams my sweet sissy poo! I love you so much.

My Dearest Ryan

My dearest Ryan,
I never thought I would have to live without you so early in my life. Remembering everything you are and everything you have ever done brings me such joy. You are the most selfless, kind-hearted, patient, friendly, beautiful soul I have met and I am so grateful to have had you in my life. You are a light of wonder to me, always curious about art, culture, architecture, or the environment around you. As a versatile multimedia artist, you loved looking at your art from every angle and always said things like, “My art is never finished”. You had perseverance and courage to do things differently and always strived to become better. Not only did you love art, but you loved people. You personally challenged me to live life simply and not waste a day doing things I wasn’t passionate about.
Our friendship and love is everything to me. You and I both know that growing up with divorced parents isn’t the easiest, but you were my partner through it all and we were always there to support each other. The love and friendship we have is like: making it to the beach just in time to watch the sunset—magical. Our adventures, our laughs, our jokes, all magical. Our love for each other is something people may never see in a lifetime, and for that I am so grateful.
It breaks my heart when I realize we won’t be able to get a milkshake together for a while, but I know I will be reunited with that gorgeous smile someday. Thank you for showing me that life is meant to be lived passionately. I will miss you with all my heart and love you with every ounce of my being.
Your best friend,
Natasha