6 months… It hurts so bad ):

Serg, I can’t believe its been 6 months that you have been gone, we feel as if this is just a bad dream and you will show up somehow in your camoflouge print shorts and white t-shirt with your house flip flops that we constantly made fun of… We played scrabble with dad tonight and we kept remembering you sitting there eating everything in sight & you rooting for your big sis to always win. I miss you so freakin much it hurts to the core my heart aches every day & I constantly think of WHY you went away in this horrible way. WHY serg, our mom is slowly dyeing inside if only you could see her so devastated, our dad strong but hurting so much inside. Our family will never ever be the same.. You forced this heartache upon us WHY, we love you so much & you knew we would do anything for you.. I keep blaming myself because you came to me for help and although I helped you every way I possibly could I fell short it wasnt enough, Fred tries to make me feel better and although I have been the best sister I possibly can be to you and Tony, I fell short You didn’t love me like I love you.. You promised me you wouldnt ever put me through this and you promised our dad you wouldnt do this to mom but yet your gone. We will live the rest of our life with this pain and heartbreak that noone will ever be able to mend or help. I guess this was our destiny and all we can do is try to make sense of something that we do not understand. I will never ever be mad at you for changing our life but I will tell you this was extremely unfair, no loving family deserves to go through this and I pray that God blesses everyone that experiences a loss like this because only the people living with this horrible heartache understands the day to day struggle we endure. Unfortunately there is no going back in time all we can do is look forward to seeing you again in the afterlife in the kingdom of God because I know you are with him, our god is a forgiving and loving god that understands your troubles and will embrace you and take away all your pain. I will never ever say goodbye to you because this was not a goodbye this is a “see you later” & although I can’t hug nor kiss you I hold onto you in my heart and am saving all the physical kisses & hugs till I see you again.. Love you always & forever Serg. Your Sis…

One thought on “6 months… It hurts so bad ):

  1. I’m so sorry for your loss of Serg. Everything you wrote is what I’ve been feeling for the past month, though I suspect you’re slightly ahead of me. I just don’t know how to cope with the loss of my sister. I’m still in the phase of wondering what I could’ve done. We have the funeral service on Tuesday, and I’ll be delivering the eulogy. My parents are just too broken-hearted to do it. I’m praying for some type of closure, but deep down I know there will never really be true closure. I’m hoping by reading the posts of others I’m may find some commonality and shared experiences. Our priest said that even those though she committed suicide, she’s seen god’s face, which gave me some peace of mind.
    Anyway, thank you for your post.

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