Subject: The Day My Brother Committed Suicide

Unconsciously we expect things to be a certain way, and that the ones we love will be here forever. For me, forever fell apart.
It’s been 9 months today since my brother took his own life, but it still feels like yesterday. On May 16, he was supposed to turn 36… he only made it to 35. Two years apart- we were born on the same day. This year was the first that I had to celebrate without him, and exactly one year since the last time we talked. Ever since the day he went away, nothing has been the same. When people ask me how I feel, truth be told- I don’t know. There are no words powerful enough to describe how I feel, no words strong enough to heal my pain… and no one like my brother that can ever fill the empty space in my heart. It’s like being in a different time and universe, watching the rest of the world move on like nothing ever happened. It’s so surreal.
Not only did I lose my brother that day, I lost a piece of my family… No matter how much I pray that time will heal and that things will get back to normal- how it used to be, I know it won’t.
I was in Sweden visiting family and friends when I found out that my brother had committed suicide. After years of struggling with drug addiction, he just couldn’t take it anymore. He was in
Psychiatric Inpatient Care at a hospital when he decided to end his life. I never got the chance to see him that summer before he died, and it really hurts. I will never know if it would’ve made any difference, but the thought of it breaks my heart- a little more for each day passed. I desperately went through his only two plastic bags of belongings, looking for some sort of note, letter or anything- But there was nothing. I just have to accept that I will never know where his thoughts were in that moment, or the final straw that made him come to the conclusion… What
caused the moment to lose all hope? Or maybe it wasn’t just the moment?
So many questions without an answer.
I can only assume. And in the middle of all this, my flight back to LA and school had to be rescheduled. I had to make a decision fast, whether or not I wanted to continue my education in LA or move back to Sweden. I booked another flight that gave us about two more weeks to plan for the funeral and everything that comes with it. The following weeks went by slowly. Mom and I spent hours, even days in front of the TV, but I’m sure none of us would’ve been able to recall the name of any show that we watched that week. The couch became a therapy zone where we dwelled our thoughts and emotions. We spent days organizing all the practical things, so much that I think it served more than just one purpose. Somehow, we had to find ways to survive the emotional shock.
Grief is personal.
You don’t believe that it’s real when you lose someone that close to you, and I think it’s part of the process. The most bizarre part is when you have to choose a casket for the funeral, clothes you wish to see them in before you say your last goodbye, an urn for the remains of your loved one- a poem to describe your whole life together in just a few sentences… at the same time you’re trying to process the loss of your loved one to suicide. There is no right way to grieve, no time-limits for how long we need to process loss, and some people experience more complicated grief than others. I was co-dependent before I could even spell the word, and I lost my brother to drug addiction long before he died. The saddest and the hardest part to accept is that I don’t remember the last time he was happy.
For each day passed, I miss him even more.
When people ask me how I found the strength to get back upon my feet, and start school only a month after my brother died- I tell them that I didn’t. Strength found me. I don’t have any super powers, neither does my mom, my dad or my younger brother… You just live.

Subject: I still miss you daily.

I am out of town on a business trip and came across someone who has had a sibling in the hospital where I last kissed your forehead as you lay brain dead. I hadn’t thought about it in a few weeks… I was doing great until this evening.
That same, familiar, heart-crushing pain sunk in and I find myself weeping uncontrollably again. I messaged our other sisters I loved them. I am completely unable to say anything more than that. We are like dominoes, if one is in the dark spot and the others find out- we are all there. So I saved them the agony today.
I often wonder how my sweet nephew will be as he grows. I hope he always just remembers you an angel and never feels the extent of this pain. I hope he turns out well adjusted in the end. I hope you are happy and proud of how we are handling things.
It’s been almost two years and I miss you just as intensely as I did the first day.
Truly, our of all the horrible days of my life; that was the worst. I hope the boys who followed after you are keeping you company, my sweetest angel.
I miss your laugh, your smile, your spirit; I just miss you. The worst part about losing someone is not knowing if being gone from this life means you are gone forever. I hope that is not the case and we meet again. What I would give for one more embrace and another raspy laugh.

Subject: Six months later

I would like to first say that I have read a great many of the posts on this site before thinking of writing one myself. They kept me sane when I felt my thoughts were beyond order.
Six months ago, I lost my younger brother. Around Thanksgiving, my youngest brother and I heard he wasn’t doing well. I couldn’t get on a plane to go to him, because I was over eight months pregnant. His wife was concerned he would hurt himself and both me and our youngest brother didn’t believe that was remotely possible. Within a week, he took his life and three days later I gave birth to my first child.
He was on the West Coast, having just left the military a few months before and entered a college program. He was a well respected private in the navy, having received two major awards, including one for saving someone’s life.
He was the best of us, the most concientious, devoting his life to others, kind, hysterically funny, handsome, athletic, gifted with a smile warmer than the sun and a laugh that assured you life was good.
There was no funeral even though hundreds of people would have attended to honor him. His will directed that he should be cremated which was done in CA while I was in a hospital in NY and my son in the NICU. Memorials were planned and then set aside when grief was unbearable. His navy friends organized a paddle out in several states in his honor and we stood by the shoreline at our home beach to honor him.
Everyone thought he was doing so well and on this continual trajectory up after working so hard and fighting for happiness despite hardship and having to overcome many odds.
He was so kind that I worried about people taking advantage of him or hurting him. He loved everyone and sacrificed so much for them, I could not have imagined this for him. He loved his wife more than anyone and anything. She was his greatest happiness. He was robbed of his life because he had no idea how to handle or confront his depression.
That is all I can say for now though it is a mere nothing to the emotions that surround this loss.Thank you for this website to put thoughts and feelings.

This morning I woke up with puffy eyes – the same puffy eyes that I woke up to every night for at least 2 weeks straight after he took his life by hanging. I looked in the bathroom mirror and saw a face still dealing with the pain of loss. It’s hard to imagine that it has been 7 months without Eli. The permanent absence of his laugh, of his smile, of my favorite arm to hold, is hurtful. The pain of the loss of my big brother who was so close to my heart and soul is gut wrenching. I look around see the pictures I have scattered around my apartment, which now collect dust. Sometimes, I can be superficial and remember good memories. Sometimes, I stare at them in anguish. I get this feeling in the back of my throat like I shouldn’t be breathing when he is not around. How could this be my life? How does this even happen? How is he just.. GONE. He’s not even on this Earth anymore, how could that even f’ing be?! Escalating feelings of unfairness and sorrow well up inside. Then I have to let them go.

This roller coaster happens probably every week, but I think of him every day. I hear people say this a lot, and didn’t know what it meant, but it’s so so true. I think about him EVERY DAY!!! When I went hiking in Colorado last week, when I go running, when I make smoothies, when I go to bed, when I eat a sweet potato, when I talk to my incomplete family, when I consider working in psychiatry (but right now I say nope, can’t handle that). I think of my wonderful, loving brother every time. I let myself feel the pain, then I let it go. This is how I survive.

I feel more anxiety now than I ever did before. I don’t feel as confident anymore. I try not to bury feelings, but it happens anyway. I’m just surviving in this world now. Now that I’ve lost a loved one to suicide, no one can relate – not even my own family members grieve the same way that I do. However, through the pain I hold my family closer to my heart than ever before. I actually think I value the average human life more than ever before. There is something sweet to every sour. A soft side to every sword. We live with both. That is humanity. Learning to deal with hardship is a lesson we all learn. Every person has their own hardship, and we have to stand strong together and wipe each other’s tears so that we can all move forward. I hope all of us can someday be an advocate for stopping suicide. We have to speak out and make a change, because nobody should have to experience the pain of loss like this.

I just found out I lost my brother Joe to suicide. I have not been close to my family for a long time. By choice. I have already done a whole lot of grieving. Thank God.
We loved each other. But we weren’t even remotely “close,” at all, either. That is my family.
We really had very, very few bonding moments. When we were little, he introduced me to the Beatles via records at our house, records at his friend’s and his friend’s brother’s records. I just remember a stretch–I was only like six or seven–and I got to tag along and just got immersed in the Beatles. I love him for that. Sounds sort of silly writing that–but it’s not. We also bonded over the Beastie Boys. Paul’s Boutique. Lol. I was freaking out over it when I got it and he ‘got’ it. No one was listening to PB at when it came out. Lol.
Joe was a trip, for sure. To his own drummer. The Lost Child. Very, very smart. But also lost in his head, too.
I remember the night my mom kicked my dad out of the house. I was like five or six. Joe and I listened to them yell at each other–Joe tried to reassure me things would be okay. He was like seven and I know he was as twisted over it as I was–and he had no clue if things were going to turn out okay (they didn’t).
Twenty-plus years ago, I raised our family issues with him, but he wasn’t open to talking about it. I let everyone know I was in recovery, clean and sober and all, and then I detached. I showed what boundaries and detaching looked like, whether family members hated me for it or not, or didn’t get it, or whatever.
We had some brief email connections in the last several years. Nothing major, but he knew I loved him and vise-versa.
I love you, Joe.
I hope you are in a better place, and I absolutely believe everything does work out in the universe in the end.

On Friday, May 25th, 2018, my little baby brother (16 yrs old) took three tabs of LSD 8 hours before jumping nine stories to his death, impaled on a fence. I had gone away to college for the year and had been back for only two days before he ended his life. He was beating depression and saw a future for himself. He was my best friend and wanted to move in with me next year while I was in college. I am in so much pain that he is gone forever. I feel his spirit sometimes but I don’t know if that’s even real. I just wish he had called me. I wish he hadn’t have done the drugs because I know he would not have done this if he had truly been thinking straight. I just don’t know how to cope at all. He was my only sibling. I always took care of him, especially after my parents got divorced and my father became a violent alcoholic. I have just been through so much and can’t deal with this on top of everything. I didn’t have enough time with him. there was so much I wanted to teach him about life and freedom and how much better life gets. I just don’t know what to do or feel. I feel numb. I feel lost. I am broken.

Serg, I can’t believe its been 6 months that you have been gone, we feel as if this is just a bad dream and you will show up somehow in your camoflouge print shorts and white t-shirt with your house flip flops that we constantly made fun of… We played scrabble with dad tonight and we kept remembering you sitting there eating everything in sight & you rooting for your big sis to always win. I miss you so freakin much it hurts to the core my heart aches every day & I constantly think of WHY you went away in this horrible way. WHY serg, our mom is slowly dyeing inside if only you could see her so devastated, our dad strong but hurting so much inside. Our family will never ever be the same.. You forced this heartache upon us WHY, we love you so much & you knew we would do anything for you.. I keep blaming myself because you came to me for help and although I helped you every way I possibly could I fell short it wasnt enough, Fred tries to make me feel better and although I have been the best sister I possibly can be to you and Tony, I fell short You didn’t love me like I love you.. You promised me you wouldnt ever put me through this and you promised our dad you wouldnt do this to mom but yet your gone. We will live the rest of our life with this pain and heartbreak that noone will ever be able to mend or help. I guess this was our destiny and all we can do is try to make sense of something that we do not understand. I will never ever be mad at you for changing our life but I will tell you this was extremely unfair, no loving family deserves to go through this and I pray that God blesses everyone that experiences a loss like this because only the people living with this horrible heartache understands the day to day struggle we endure. Unfortunately there is no going back in time all we can do is look forward to seeing you again in the afterlife in the kingdom of God because I know you are with him, our god is a forgiving and loving god that understands your troubles and will embrace you and take away all your pain. I will never ever say goodbye to you because this was not a goodbye this is a “see you later” & although I can’t hug nor kiss you I hold onto you in my heart and am saving all the physical kisses & hugs till I see you again.. Love you always & forever Serg. Your Sis…

My little brother laid down on the railroad tracks on May 29, 1995. Tonight is May 29, 2018. I will regret to my dying day not telling my boss to shove it if he fired me for calling in sick on May 29,1995. What I am seeing this night on the Internet is that it is our brightest, funniest, and kindest males that we are losing. Maybe we all need to learn to celebrate a man’s feelings, not condemn them for having them. Condemn those who don’t. I know for a fact my little brother was on the outside of a bar crying for a long time before he wandered off presumably to go home and wound up on the railroad tracks. At least those of us who know should take the time to put our arms around and cry with any strange male we see crying. Forget what the world thinks about it, cry with him and you may save a life.

Kate, it’s been a little over a month since we lost you. I have so many questions that I’m starting to realize I’ll never have answers to. I keep wondering if there was anything I could’ve done to stop you from doing this. Mom and Dad are so sad and distraught, so I’m doing my best to be strong for them. I can’t sleep anymore after seeing the suicide selfie you took on your phone, and I don’t think I’ll ever get that image out of my mind. I’ll be saying your eulogy next week, and I just pray that I do you justice. I wonder if you are looking down on us and seeing what this has done. Did you know how much we loved you? I can’t imagine the despair you were in, but why didn’t you talk to me. I miss you and still can’t believe this is real.

Today May 28,4 yrs ago you left us without a goodbye.I keep replaying in my mind the last time I saw you one day prior.You seemed fine,though that wasn’t so.And did you know when you drove away the next day,you’d never come home again.And our lives would be shattered.My brother,your pain has ended,but ours have begun 4 yrs ago and to this day and FOREVER.It’s been 4 yrs now and I’m still in denial,even as I write this I cannot acknowledge that this is what happened.I go to the lake often where you were found and just stare into the water,waiting for an answer.My mind can’t accept,did you walk into the lake or swam and let yourself drown,this I can’t imagine.My regret and guilt is I couldn’t save you from your troubles and for this I am sorry,I hope you can forgive me as I can’t forgive myself.If I knew I wouldn’t ever see you again,I would’ve kissed you,hugged you tight and most importantly told you I loved you.Life is not fair that you aren’t here to share our lives with you.My tears are for my love for you.I LOVE YOU FOR ETERNITY AND MISS YOU BEYOND WORDS CAN SAY.
your sister