Searching for an explanation (SiblingsSurvivors Guest Post)

Dear only sister and sibling,
All I can say is that I am so sorry I never said I love you. You were so childlike and innocent. You were only 46 when you sat in a bath of water with alcohol and many bottles of prescription pain killers just waiting to be so drugged up that you drowned in the bathtub. You had no children and you were living in your ex-husbands house with physical and mental pain. All you did was complain about everybody and everything so I just thought this was just who you were for the last 20 years. Not for one moment did I ever think you were this dark and tortured inside. As far as I knew you did not drink and would never take drugs. That was never you!
I spoke to you the day before you died. I keep going over in my head if I missed something or there were warning signs that would have alerted me but I can’t recall any desperation in our conversation. Why didn’t you say good-bye! You knew you were going to do this! And when I found out from your ex that you tried this same attempt July of 2017, I became fractured. I didn’t know! Why? It’s such crap that I was so unaware. You wanted your death to be a shock didn’t you? I promise, I would have done something but you swore your ex to secrecy and I didn’t know. Why? Why didn’t you let me in.
All this week I have searched the internet to try and understand what you did. I have only found information about the fastest growing group to commit suicide is women from the ages of 45-64. What I want to know is how could I have missed the signs and any rational for why you felt you needed to leave the earth. I have searched and searched but nothing. I came upon this site from my searching but I still can’t find any answers. I will keep searching for answers because I just can’t logically understand the loneliness, desolation, and affliction you must have felt to do what you did. It is excruciating to know you are gone and I can’t do a damn thing about it.
I want you to know how sorry I am that I wasn’t more of a sister to you. We are only 14 months apart but always were at odds with each other. I can admit that I never understood you or how you wanted to conduct your life. Every time I gave you advice you never listened which made me angry and frustrated. You left me to take care of our mother with dementia. I have nobody to speak to about all of this and now it is all my responsibility. I wanted you to help with mother. I asked you to come visit but all you had were excuses. I will always regret that I didn’t come get you and bring you back to see our mother. I could have done so much more.
All I have are regrets and sorrow. A piece of me is filled with an emptiness. It will be one week since you have gone. It is so difficult to think about anything else. Please forgive me. Please forgive me. Please forgive me.

One thought on “Searching for an explanation (SiblingsSurvivors Guest Post)

  1. My only sister and sibling killed herself in February. I think she wanted the shock factor too- she lit herself on fire, I shudder every time I think about it. I’m alone to deal with my parents too.
    You don’t need to ask her for forgiveness, you need to forgive yourself, this is not your fault. Easier said than done. I feel so bad for not even speaking to her for about six weeks before, she had cut me off and I thought it was a typical snit.

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