Serg, I cannot believe we will be reaching 1 year next month, the worst part of it is that I havent seen, kissed, hugged, talked, text YOU in almost a year… AND will not ever be able to until we see eachother again in heaven. This is so devastating to me, us and everyone that loved you. Our mom is the worst of all, she keeps telling us that you are probably lonely and she needs to go soon to be with you, our dad is hanging on the best he can trying to comfort our mom, at times we seem to be normal but one memory or flashback of you and we start all over with the pain again.. I have seemed to manage to move on somehow because I have faced reality and have realized no matter what I do, no matter how much I suffer you are not coming back & I have to pull it together for my family. I find myself thinking of you every day, there has not been one day since you left that you are not on my mind. I love you & am mad at the same time, mad because you forced us to live a life without you & you didnt bother to think about how this would bring such heartache, unbearable pain, a sadness beyond belief, your selfish act was our worst nightmare! Maybe I am the selfish one, I wasnt the one living with MS, depression, mental issues etc. but you knew we would of done the impossible to save your life, I wish you would have given us a choice. Instead, I will plan a 1 year memorial service on Dec 5, 2018 although you left us on November 29th I want to remember the day we had your beautiful service & not the tragic day you took your life away from us. I sound bitter Serg but I am not, I just miss you so much that I rather be mad than destroyed inside, it helps me get through by staying mad but then I find myself saying sorry to you for being mad and not understanding why you left us. I love you with all my heart & miss you so much it hurts so bad. I hope you will be there with all of us at your 1 year memorial service.. your loving sis

Dear Mike, it’s now been about 2 1/2 days since you took your life and ended your pain. I am broken, my heart hurts and when I cry it gets so uncontrollable that it feels like I could have a heart attack. I am the saddest I’ve ever been, ever. Even when we lost dad to cancer 2 1/2 years ago, I knew he was sick and there was no cure for him so we were more accepting when he passed. He wasn’t suffering anymore. But you, you felt all alone in a new state without any family, depending on a woman for love and acceptance and she let you down. I am so mad at myself that I didn’t stop you from going there with her. I can’t shake what you did from my head. You left behind your 3 grown kids that are devastated as well. Your oldest needed you. He’s a sensitive soul and you left him. His mother doesn’t help him. You were his rock. I understand the torment you must have had because of our childhood but I didn’t realize you were in so much pain. I wish you had reached out to me. I would have tried to help you. I would have done anything for you, my little brother. I don’t know how I’m going to get passed this. I love you more than you know. Your sister, Jackie

Today my brother killed himself with a cross bow. I feel numb and i cant wrap my mind around it. He was my hero and i loved him dearly. He will always be hero and may God have mercy on his soul.i will never get over this pain.

It has been just over seven years since I last saw you and you took your own life. I remember siting in your garage listing to new music albums. Playing darts, laughing, joking. You always were there for me. Your were more then a brother, you were like a father to me. You protected me from the abuse of our other tormented siblings. You gave me hope for a better future and always made me feel good about myself when I felt useless in a complex word. You feed my love for music and encouraged me to play as many instruments as I could hold. It is hard to believe that the time has passed like this. I felt like our time together was just beginning when you left. I regret not being there for you like you were there for me. You were in pain and I could not see it. Your passing broke me so bad that I could not even go to your funeral or carry you casket. I didn’t want to believe that you were gone. I still dream of you at night. You still give me advice even when you are gone. The other night I dreamt you came back and that you just had to get away for a while.It is hard for me to be around your kids cause they look so much like you. They have your heart for sure! I miss the long nights drinking with you. I miss the food you created, you made being a stoner fun. I am still in denial that you are gone. Thanks for the good times. I hope we will meet again in some life after this. We will listen to some terrible country music and I will never complain about it again. You will always be a huge part of who I am. I love you buddy. I just can’t believe I am as old now as you were when you left. I am still broken.

My Brother,
It almost a month since your passing, you left a note behind. Not really saying goodbye! You left me baffled, confused and shell shocked!
I still remember you protecting me since I started to remember memories. All these memories of you protecting me since I was a baby still flashes through my mind.
We been through so much together. You was my Daddy, my Mommy, my Brother, my best friend.
We never had a stable home but that didn’t stop you from making me smile or happy. You did your best to ensure my happiness. You got me my first shaving blade! You thought me how to ride a bike, skate board, spin a top, shoot marbles.
We drank and caught on a alot of kak together. We partied like rockstars! We worked hard and supported each other’s ambitions, whenever I fell you lifted me up. You were my strength whenever I felt weak.
I feel so confused, broken and sick all the time. I get weak when I see you hanging from that roof. It broke me to see you hang so lifeless and I couldn’t do anything to protect you then. I was too late to save your life as you saved mine countless of times!
I miss you brother! I am broken, bruised and damaged. I will still make you proud of me one day!!I love you always.
Ash

My sister committed suicide a couple of weeks ago, she suffered from depression. We missed the signs, thought she had turned a corner.
I found her, can’t get that image out of my head.
We were very close, she was my best friend, she worked with me, we would always be giggling about something.
Now she is gone.
I am quite a positive person, I don’t usually cry but I am a mess.
Looking back it was inevitable that this would happen 14 years of depression. I keep thinking if only I had done this or that even though I know if probably wouldn’t have made a difference. How long am I gonna feel like this ?

Hi little brother. It’s been 6 months since you left. I’ve had some coaching which has helped me deal with the pain and be there for pregnant wifey. You said that you were sorry for not being able to meet your niece or nephew – but I know that you are looking over us.
I do still think about all the what ifs and whether I did enough to help. But I also want to focus on remembering all the amazing times we shared. Fighting over sega mega drive control pads and later graduating onto PlayStation. All the fun we had together playing micro machines, super soaker fights, as well as tamagotchi. Going to have some shisha in Marble Arch and watching films together and going for a pool session after.
I think about all those memories and even have them all jotted down every time I remember cos I want to hold onto those memories and keep them close to me.
It’s been 6 months and I still hurt when I think about how it all ended. But I really want to remember the amazing times we shared.
Keep helping me to be strong brother.
I love you. xxx
My original post is here: www.siblingsurvivors.com/i-miss-you-siblingssurvivors-guest-post/

How could 1 year have gone by already? I cannot even fathom time like this. You were a part of my entire life – until you weren’t. You forced me to wrap my mind around this new life, and I’ve been living in it for 1 year. 365 days and I didn’t hear a new inflection in your voice or see a new crooked smile on your face. Before 1 year ago, I could look forward to those things any day, any time really. We’d walk and I’d wrap my hand around your forearm at your elbow, your hands in your pockets – yours was my favorite arm to hold because I needed to keep you safe, and show you that you were loved. You kept me safe, too. When I saw your body in that casket, all I could do is hold your arm again. You were cold. What a shocking truth. You’re just gone now. To this day, I still can’t really place where you are. The best solution I have is that you’re in my heart now – that is why my heart hurts so badly when I think of you.
It’s truly excruciating to think about you, but I still do every day. To think about your death of suicide is no longer shocking, and I can talk about that to people. I can tell them my brother took his life, and he struggled with chronic pain, mental illness, loneliness. I actually share this often, because I have found that so many people have been touched by mental illness and suicide. It’s so important to talk about it, so that we can prevent it.
I can’t talk about you-you, though, without the tears rolling. I can’t talk or even think about how you’d always bring the football to tailgates to play catch – or how we’d play tennis in the summer and get smoothies – or how you’d sing in public and embarrass me – or about the fact that your birthday came, but your age didn’t change. I can’t think about your voice, or your smile – not without the tears flowing. Because you were truly wonderful. So I will always hold you and your pain in my heart. I will always miss you.

I feel so lonely without my brother. It’s only been a little over 4 months and I feel like I don’t know how to live properly anymore. I feel like I need to take care of mom. I’m so worried about her it makes me sick. I can’t focus on school and I can’t afford to mess up again. It feels like no one cares about me really. All of my friendships feel vapid and fake and I can hardly bring myself to reply to most people. I find myself growing closer to people who are far away from me. People who won’t be mad at me for flaking or being boring in person because I simply don’t have to actually be around them. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I miss you so much. I need you here.

It has been almost 7 months since I lost you baby sister. You were a young 17 year old girl who was so bright. You decided to move in with your new boyfriend and leave moms house. I found out two weeks before you took your own life that he was beating you and calling you names and telling you things that I hope I never hear again. I wish I had done so much more. I was your big bubba, I always protected you, but I failed this time. You left behind your little nephew, he loved you so much, and had so much fun with you, but he is so young I wish he would remember his amazing aunty K. I wish you would have taken my offer and moved in with me and your sister-in-law. It would have gotten you away from that monster and you would still be here. I love and miss you more and more everything single day my baby sister.