It’s been 10 days

It’s been 10 days since I got the call I never thought I would get, even though now I think I should have known. My brother has not passed yet but according to the drs there is no hope and he is “gone” as they not so gently put it. He’s 31 and I’m not ready for him to leave this world. I have so much guilt and anger and sadness all at the same time. I can’t even cope. He’s dealt with depression and alcoholism for over 10 yrs, he’s talked about suicide before but I’ve always been able to get to him and calm him down. Right before Christmas he called me for help. He was feeling very low and reached out to me, after a long convo he finally agreed to get help and I brought him to the hospital. 5 hrs there they told me they would keep him for a minimum for 72 hrs. It was late and I had to bring my infant son home, so I left and told him I’d be back in the morning. They released him 15 min after I left. The time between then and now he was feeling better or so he said and I believed. He wanted to wait to get help till his insurance started on the 1st of this month. Looking back I wished I would have pushed harder for him to go sooner but I never saw this coming. I never thought he would really do this. He posted to Facebook not long before he hung himself in his room in our parents house – how he just wanted to sleep. I saw the post but figured he was just drunk and I was exhausted and honestly thought if I called him he would think I was calling just because of that. I wish I would have just called him. I can’t stop thinking about why I didn’t. I feel like this is all my fault no matter how many times I’m told it’s not. I should have been able to stop this.

5 thoughts on “It’s been 10 days

  1. I just lost my younger brother on January 30, 2019 he hung himself. He was 29 suffered from alcoholism, ptsd and depression. I know your pain. I have guilt. I don’t understand any of it. I’m so sorry for your loss I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

  2. Your story is so similar to mine. My brother battled bipolar and the dark side won. I could usually get him through lows – where he wanted to die – but I feel I failed him. Now he’s gone. It’s been 1 years and I still think if the things I should have done. 😥 I’m so sorry for your loss and struggle. I’m sorry for all of us that have to visit this site. I can relate and am working through it too. Much love you.

  3. We are in the same state. The guilt of not doing enough and not making sure she was OK…when it turned out she wasn’t. I don’t know how I will ever feel right again.

  4. I’m so sorry for your loss. I think there are always “what if”s and “I should have”s and “why didn’t I”s… my brother hanged himself at 2 in the morning. At that point in my life I was usually up until 230 or so. That night I was especially tired because I had taken a huge test early in the morning. Any other night I would have been up to talk to him. Or at least get to him sooner maybe. My dad and I did CPR on him, maybe I didn’t do a good enough job. I don’t know if it’s possible to shake these feelings for good. I just do my best to acknowledge them and dismiss them or they will eat me up. The thing is, it wasn’t our choice for them to end their lives. And it’s unfair. We wanted better for them. But it wasn’t in my power and it wasn’t in yours. I hope this gives you any amount of relief.

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