To Stephen, on your 3rd Angel-Anniversary

To My Beautiful Brother Stephen,
In less then a month we will honor the 3rd year since we lost you. I still have not been able to return to Seattle as the memories and landmarks we shared for nearly 45 years are still too painful and raw. Your beautiful bride is even more a part of my life since your departure and this brings me such love and comfort. Since you never had any children, she and dad are my only birth family link. Dad is 90 now, he has Alzheimer’s and can’t or won’t talk about you. I’ve made peace with that. It means I’m alone without anyone from our birth family to lean into. My husband and son miss you too but are unable to express their emotions. I am left to carry this all alone. It has broken me. I have been unable to maintain friendships as sooner or later my anger and rage consumes me and causes me to express anger. You were the co-keeper of my childhood. You were struggling all your life and I was only slightly more stable I believe because I was a girl. You made it to 62. I turned 62 this year and you would have just turned 65 on Jan 30th. You would have been able to enjoy your earned social security and Medicare. I miss you. I hate myself for not helping you more, even though I’m told it would never have never stopped you. I’m only barely more of a Christian then you were an Atheist and yet I PRAY we will be reunited in Heaven. I have thought about giving up on life over the years but could not imagine the pain that would bring to my only child and your only nephew. I am here being a caretaker to daddy as he was to mom for 36 years with Parkinson’s. I am sad, broken, depressed, lost and consumed with grief. But I fight the good fight for both of us now and I promise I always will. I promise to find hope through the heartache, to find joy through the sadness, to find strength through the incredible weakness, to love even when it’s hard, to live freely and bravely, even when I’m scared, to make the most of my days….to live in a way that would make you proud. I love and miss you more everyday of my life and I look forward to our family to all be reunited one day in the afterlife, wherever that may be.
Your ever loving sister, Linda

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