They say it gets better with time, but I’m not so sure that will be the case because as the days go by, the permanence of your loss becomes more real. I still can’t wrap by head around how I will never see or laugh or fight with you again. My natural skepticism hinders me from truly believing in the afterlife and hoping to meet again, and that pains me. I want to believe, I really do, but I need proof. And I believe that if you’re out there, you will deliver that proof to me personally and clearly because you know that’s what I need, and because I’m you’re little sister you will take care of me even in your death. Lolo’s dream, though, does give me some hope. But how can I be sure? I was always afraid of false hope and disappointment, one of the reasons, I believe, I tucked all my emotions away and gave off this indifferent and cold front. I do feel alone now, like I’ve lost a part of myself. Our childhood experiences are our history, and I don’t know what to do. I’m angry and jealous at all the people who haven’t lost their sister, at how everyone can just move on except for our parents and myself. I want to make you laugh again, and I wish that brief happiness could stay longer and I could fix it with my silliness. It’s not fair. I’m not angry with you, I just miss you and wish we could have suffered together. Because I hurt a lot too – and I didn’t tell you, but maybe if you knew I hurt too then you could have carried on. But they say it’s a disease and that it causes an inability to rationalize any other alternatives. I guess that’s true and alleviates some guilt, but I hate alleviating guilt because what if it really was my fault? I do believe that I’m the one person who could have saved you. Because at least back in 2013, I was the most important person to you. I’m sorry for where 2018 brought us and the distance we experienced. I was busy with my own life and not caring about your suffering. I could have helped though, I really could have, if only I could have grasped the severity more. I knew you were getting worse, I said so, but I was angry and avoided it, like I tend to.
5 thoughts on “Sibling Survivor Guest Post”
I could have written this for my sister I lost 10/1/18 and is 2 years older than I am. Its just unbearable.
So many people say, “It gets easier with time”! That’s not true! It only becomes different over time. At first it’s kind of like being stabbed with a very “sharp carving knife”. After time it’s more like being stabbed by a “butter knife”. Either way it’s still the feeling of being stabbed and it never goes away. The pain becomes more of a softened pain as compared to the initial agonizing pain. It’s still pain, though!
So far it hasn’t gotten much easier with time. My sister killed herself last February. I’m an only child now. I’m still reeling with disbelief and guilt. I suppose all of us feel guilty; it’s hard not to. My cousin told me to live the best life possible; Trying to heed her advice. You’re not alone with your grief.
You are describing exactly how i feel. i lost my younger sister on 9/12/08 and its getting harder not easier. i cycle between guilt of what i missed and what i could have done to disbelief and overwhelming sadness. i get jealous when somebody mentions catching up with their sister or posts something with their sibling – i want back what i had. i cannot smile at the memories i shared as the sadness that there will be no more takes me to a sadness I’ve never felt. i dont know how to put one foot in front of the other without her. I’ve lost my sister who was my best friend and i just dont know how to be without her.
It sounds awful to say but seeing these stories helps me realize I am not alone. I lost my younger brother on 5/19/2018. The day I got the call from my mom is permanently etched in my mind. The pain was compacted by the way the news was dealt with by the police. Without compassion or sensitivity. I was the big sister I should have protected him better. Now I can’t see his smile or hear his laughter.