They say it gets better with time, but I’m not so sure that will be the case because as the days go by, the permanence of your loss becomes more real. I still can’t wrap by head around how I will never see or laugh or fight with you again. My natural skepticism hinders me from truly believing in the afterlife and hoping to meet again, and that pains me. I want to believe, I really do, but I need proof. And I believe that if you’re out there, you will deliver that proof to me personally and clearly because you know that’s what I need, and because I’m you’re little sister you will take care of me even in your death. Lolo’s dream, though, does give me some hope. But how can I be sure? I was always afraid of false hope and disappointment, one of the reasons, I believe, I tucked all my emotions away and gave off this indifferent and cold front. I do feel alone now, like I’ve lost a part of myself. Our childhood experiences are our history, and I don’t know what to do. I’m angry and jealous at all the people who haven’t lost their sister, at how everyone can just move on except for our parents and myself. I want to make you laugh again, and I wish that brief happiness could stay longer and I could fix it with my silliness. It’s not fair. I’m not angry with you, I just miss you and wish we could have suffered together. Because I hurt a lot too – and I didn’t tell you, but maybe if you knew I hurt too then you could have carried on. But they say it’s a disease and that it causes an inability to rationalize any other alternatives. I guess that’s true and alleviates some guilt, but I hate alleviating guilt because what if it really was my fault? I do believe that I’m the one person who could have saved you. Because at least back in 2013, I was the most important person to you. I’m sorry for where 2018 brought us and the distance we experienced. I was busy with my own life and not caring about your suffering. I could have helped though, I really could have, if only I could have grasped the severity more. I knew you were getting worse, I said so, but I was angry and avoided it, like I tend to.
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