In two weeks, it will be six years since I lost my sister to suicide. We grew up in a situation that without going into too much detail, no one should have to grow up in. Due to that and perhaps a predisposition to mental illness, leading to addiction to opioids she struggled throughout her late teens and early twenties. I tried over and over again to help her, so many times I thought we were close, but ultimately she took her own life. Because of the way we grew up, we dont really have “family”. I have no idea what it would even feel like to have parents. There was zero love in our home, but me and Tee loved each other. We had each other’s backs. I lost her 6 years ago and I just miss her so much. For some reason, as we get closer to the 6 year anniversary it just seems so much harder. I’m feeling (even though I know I wouldn’t actually do it) idealization of suicide, like if I did I’d get to see her again. I just needed an outlet and found this site.
4 thoughts on “When I lost her I lost my whole family (SiblingsSurvivors Guest Post)”
I know how you feel. And although your sister and my brother’s reasons and circumstances in their suicide were different, the core is the same – no loving or supportive parent to turn to. We only had each other in this world who would understand each other’s reasons or behaviors or methods. We only had one another as witness to our respective fathers abandonment and our mother’s violent, evil insanity. But the burden of failed parenthood is on our fathers and our mother. I no longer carry the guilt of our mother’s decisions to put her own self gratification and selfish needs above all else to the detriment of everyone else. Her mental health problems and issues are not her fault or withing her control but she is utterly responsible for finding or seeking out help. Rudi was my sibling not my parental responsibility and I deeply mourn the loss of my sibling and I miss him more than I could possibly explain but I know that i will see him again one day but until then I want to have a happy, healthy, fulfilling long life.
It’s been six years today since losing my brother. I am really struggling with the loss at this time and keep going over and over how he died, how hard it was on my parents etc. It literally hurts deep within me when I think of him and I can’t stop the tears. Completely understand your feelings of ‘I just want to be with him’. I don’t understand why the feelings are so intense and it’s hard to speak to friends because it’s now been so long – will I be the broken record? Yet I am feeling very alone. I never thought I would be growing up without him there to talk to. I’m just sorry you are suffering too and wish you all the best.
You can’t control your grief. Just go with the waves as best you can. Don’t EVER question your pain no matter how many years! ❤
So sorry for your loss! I really recognize my own story in yours. Sending you a hug. Hang in there..
Love from Holland,