3 losses

I’ve lost 3 siblings to suicide. Details how and why are readily available if anyone wishes for further details, I’m open.
Suicide changes people
I’ve struggled with grief during times when most people got married and had babies. I didn’t. It consumed my presence in the world.
I feel loss grief anger sadness and wonder what my life would be without it.
I won’t ever forget or be healed but I’ve lost all shame.

2 thoughts on “3 losses

  1. I thought i was all alone in losing more than one sibling to suicide. I lost two brothers to suicide . David in 2013 and Chris in 2021 ….I miss them so much

    1. I’m so sorry for your losses. I lost my older sister to suicide 7 years ago. I am no stranger myself to suicidality, to suicidal thinking, to feelings of depression that make it feel futile to get out of bed. My friends have gotten jobs, entered relationships. I’ve since also lost my father to ALS. I think there’s a family trauma that no one knows about or how to heal from. A great mystery. After lael died, I managed to graduate from college and experience two years of relative stability. Then my dad got sick and other changes happened. The grief is always with me. Around lael. Around my dad. Around all the relationships I’ve lost these past years as Ive regressed into isolation and patterns of addiction. Hypochondria. Actual chronic pain. And a pervasive sense of meaninglessness. I meet sister figures everywhere I go, and I’m grateful for that, but I often feel ashamed around them too. Like their compassion is wasted on me. I’m numb, I’m tired, I have hope and motivation sometimes but don’t know how to channel it well. I suffer from an eating disorder, like my sister, my dad, and other members of my family. She nearly died from anorexia. I numb myself with food. I’ve had some successes these past two years, in terms of taking good care of myself. Unfortunately they were shortlived and heavily dependent on conditions and environments. I’m wondering whether anyone here has any advice on how to orient myself to the world? I don’t know whether to follow my “that sounds like fun! That sounds cool!” Mindset. Or whether to follow “that sounds healing mindset”. I’ve been traveling a lot, and im the kind of person who gets really excited about the fantasy, butbhard to maintain that energy when I finally do make it to that next place. Anyone here found a sense of purpose? Anyone here healed?
      I think walks in the forest, lakes and beaches are the best cures. Connection with people also helps. Softening the blame voice helps too. Despite a knowing within me that I am hiding and wasting a lot of time. Id be curious to hear your whole story. Til then, I feel grateful that we all have each other and curious about your lives!

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