Two years ago my brother took his own life, I lost my best friend and I’ll never be the same person I was.
For thirty years he was always there, never judging me or leading me the wrong way, yeah we fought like brothers sometimes but that’s just how it is. We did everything together and went through a lot when we we’re kids so we always had that strong bond and knew we could count on each other, I’ll never get that back, a void that will stay with me the rest of my life. I love and miss him so much.
The part that really hurts is I have a seven year old daughter that looked up to him so much, the love he had for her was unreal, it broke my daughters heart when I had to tell her he was gone, being seven she doesn’t understand the reality of what happened, now when she gets older to a point when honestly I’m ready, I’ll have to re-live this and tell her the truth and break her heart all over again.
I am a veteran, did a tour in Iraq, and I can honestly say that his suicide messed me up more than what I went through during my military career, I think of him every single day, some days are harder than others but the one thing I have taken from this is you’re not alone and for that I’m extremely grateful.
After two years I still have the same heartbreaking feeling that hurts more than anything I can describe.
I’ve never really talked about it so thank you if you read this.

My sister Amanda… did you know when you shot yourself that you would take the whole family with you in one way or another? It’s been two years and the latest casualty is that our other sister left this earth almost 2 years to the day of your suicide. No, she did not go the same way. She had a heart attack. But who dies of at heart attack at her age? I cannot believe anything except that she died of a broken heart. I loved you so deeply; you were my best friend and I think you were her best friend too. She was so lonely after you left! I miss you too, but I am staying strong, by God’s grace, for the sake of mom and dad and your child and my children and my one last remaining sister. I ask anew, “why???”, and I know, but I don’t know, the reason. I hope I will see you again some day. Until then, I will cry more than I ever thought I could.

On April 25 I got a text from my little brother saying where he was and how sorry he was. Attached was a Google docs suicide note. At first I was confused on what I was seeing. Then it hit. Like a train slamming into me. I quickly went to the spot where he was and there was already a ton of cops and my parents. We waited for what seemed like forever and then they finally told us you had shot yourself in the head and were not going to survive.
I was still in shock as I told mikel over the phone what had happened since he was out of town. When we got to the hospital there were so many people asking questions. Cops nurses doctors surgeons social workers you name it.
We took you off the ventilator April 26.
Since then I’ve moved back in with mom and dad not by choice, sold my car, quit my job, and got dumped all because of what happened.
Here we are 4 1/2 months later and all I wanna do is scream at you. My life is completely ruined. I’m miserable without you and I miss you like crazy.

I am having a really hard time understanding why you did this. I love you so much baby brother. We will forever be thinking of you and missing you. Your family loved you so much. We wish we could have helped you fight your demons. Rest in paradise baby brother. I love you so much.

I was 21 y/o, in college, when my only sibling, my brother Todd, took his life. He was only 15. My parents had always had a tumultuous marriage & he was subjected to more of their craziness than I was. My father had a long history of depression and my mother chose to stay with him. I “fell apart” and flunked-out of school. I didn’t know I was depressed, I did know that I couldn’t think straight, couldn’t eat, my weight dropped dramatically. But I did get the message that grieving wasn’t okay and I “should get over it.” My mother actually said that I had no right to grieve because it was only my brother, but it was HER son. Todd died in 1974 and I have learned that his death is a part of my life.

When brother was 19 when he hung himself. He is six years younger than me. Growing up we grew up in the country always playing together constantly together. Our parents split up when he was around 9. While he grew up and we became distanced due to not living together but we still have a very close bond and he always knew I had his back. He was searching for a family to love him and he got with this girl she had two kids and he thought the one kid was his but it didn’t end up being his. I think it broke his heart. And he’s had to be there for my sister through so many unresolved health issues in the past 5 months to a year… He was on and off in his relationship but they always seemed to get back together and make it work. He loved her kids soo much and wanted to be a father for them. He was stabbed two weeks before he killed himself in a fight against three teenage guys. He seemed okay, he called me we talked and I told him to call me if anything bad happens again! And I meant it. My brother internalized everything and had health problems himself both physically and mentally but physically his body really went downhill. We went to a concert in April and I feel so bad not realizing the signs or see how bad he was slipping. I ignored it because of the state I put myself in in my own life. He loved his niece’s and nephew’s soo much. And I had a son less than two weeks after he had passed… Im so numb and making very big decisions in my life under such a hard circumstance. I have people there for me but I don’t want to let myself down, because I feel I’m letting the people that are there for me down. My sister found my brother in the closet and had to call their dad. And my mom found our thru a text message thru my brothers dad. I have anger and bad thoughts. But I am trying to stay strong for my brother and my kids, you have to in life. Because life isn’t fair, people can be crazy but we have to make the best of it while we are still here. Love you soo much bro I hope you are at peace.

I lost my only sibling my sister on Monday July 31st. She was 25 years old with 2 wonderful boys age 7 and 16 months. Her husband was wanting a divorce and she just couldn’t be without him. My parents and I are devastated. She was 6 years younger than me we were never super close but we were getting closer. She was in nursing school set to finish in December. I am also a nurse and was so excited for her to complete her goals. She shot herself in the head while in her car. Purchasing the gun and learning to shoot it all in the same day. I am just completely shocked and still in total disbelief. My mom had spoken to her over the phone a couple hours before and said she was fine. I just feel so helpless about everything. Wishing there was something I could have done or said. So many questions. I feel so much heartache for her young children. She was a fantastic, loving mother I just don’t understand how she could have left her children. I never thought this would be something that she would do. I think about her constantly and don’t know how to help myself through the pain little less my parents. I love you Amber and I wish things could have been so much different.

You were only 19. You had your entire life ahead of you. I know things were hard for you. Seeing so many doctors, none of which could help you obviously wasn’t easy. I can’t imagine what you must have been going through, but I wish you told us more. You seemed to be getting better – but was that just because you had already decided? I wish I could’ve helped you more. I wish I could have taken away your anxiety, your depression, your self doubt. You were the smartest kid I know, with so much potential. I wish you saw that in yourself.
I think you were special. I think you were truly good, too good for this world. You never seemed to like or understand this life. You always told me – you go to school, you work, and you die. I wish you saw more to life than just that because there is love, family, passion, beauty and so many things worth living for. So many people love you and will never, ever forget you. I think about you every single day. The smallest things remind me of you. But I try to be happy and believe that you are now too. That you are watching over us and you are always with me, no matter what.
I love you little bro.

My brother hanged himself february 14, 2017. His wife had taken their child and left him earlier that day.
My brother had everything in the world going for him. He had a business, a home, and great friends but what he wanted more than anything was a wife and children. In his mid 40’s, it seemed more and more impossible. Then he found her and within three years, they had a baby, got married — all his dreams were coming true.
She didn’t like his work hours or the people, she didn’t feel safe in his home with staff coming and going. I know he tried to present himself as the big businessman, but the reality was that he was self-employed, with his office in his home and he had to be on call 24-7 to keep it all afloat. She wanted his weekends and evenings free, she wanted a house away from the the office. She wanted to stay home and raise their child.
He bought a big house, he juggled and struggled to make it work, but it was tòo much. The business crashed. Everything he had worked for fell apart around him. He was overwhelmed and depressed.
It seemed that nothing anyone could say or do would help. He was hospitalized and medicated. Friends jumped in with help to pick up the pieces and it seemed at times there was progress.
The wife and family were all that mattered. She took a ‘tough love’ approach. She told him if he didnt find a job and start supporting her, she would take the baby and leave. If he lost that house, she would leave. She would call me with ‘status reports’ and tell me about how he was refusing to support her. She would say that if he loved her and the baby, he would get it together and take care of them.
I argued with her in July 2016 about kicking him when he’s down and start helping him climb out. She didnt speak to me for months. I called and called him and sometimes he would talk to me. When they got the foreclosure notice, she came to my house to tell me she was leaving him because he refused to support her.
The reality of the business failure was bankruptcy, maybe lawsuits, and for sure, that house was gone.
I thought by writing this, I would find some way to frame it to bring relief and closure.
I know I have to find some way to forgive so I can move forward. I think he loved them too much to stay. I think of all the bad choices, the worst was choosing to be with her. I will try to forgive him for that.

Today is my brother’s birthday. His second since he killed himself. He would have been 32. I am 33. These days I cry less, but I still think of him what feels like non-stop. His passing has numbed my ability to be empathetic or joyous. I feel like I am dealing with this all on my own sometimes. I know that isn’t true, but I also know that the world keeps turning and that people have to move on….even if I haven’t found out how to yet.