Category Archives: Guest Post

Big Brother

I’ve never done anything like this before but lately I’ve been thinking about my brother. My mom has been trying to get me to talk but i don’t like talking about him. I thought i would give this a try. 8 months ago today my best friend Colby ended his own life. He was my best friend. Me and him got in a fight one day and he left. I was so stubborn and wouldn’t talk to him. We didn’t talk for about 6 months before he came back and got some things from my house. I said one word to him and that was the last word I ever said to him. I can’t help but feel that it was my fault that he left. If he didn’t leave, he would still be here. It’s really hard for me to go to school because my teachers loved him. I just don’t know what i should do.


my baby brother



I have four younger brothers, or had. Three months ago my brother just younger than me passed away from carbon monoxide posioning. That was very hard on all of us, but then it got drastically harder…

Almost three weeks ago, my husband, my brother and I went to easter at my grandmas, (its like a reunion, huge get-together) we had a great time and got home (my brother had been staying with us for about a month) We made popcorn and sat down to watch a movie, all of us laughed and laughed and just enjoyed the movie and each other.

My husband went to bed around 12:30 am. About ten minutes later, my brother got up, and i just assumed it was to go to the bathroom. After about half hour/ forty fuve minutes, I started to wonder what was up, so I went to the bathroom door to find the door open a crack and the light off, so i pulled it open, and he wasnt in there.

A few nights prior, he had gone outside, and said it was to get some fresh ir because his asthma was acting up. So this night i assumed the same, I went outside and called for him, didnt see him, but noticed my garage light was on in the stall farthest feom the house, so i walked over there and could partially see him (that stall is storage, and is very cluttered), i called out to him again with no response. So i walked around a stack of stuff, and then could fully see him hanging from the rafters, by a ratchet strap. I immediately called 911and screamed at the top of my lungs for help and ran to the house to grab a knife. I ran back and tried to support his weight, as i cut the strap, he fell, i began doing cpr, the chest compressions and mouth to mouth. I could tell by the way he smelled and how his lips tasted he was gone, but i couldnt stop. Finally the first cop got to my house, and i continued the compressions as he started the dibulator process, about that time the second cop got there, and i finally was able to stop and phone my mother, and wake up my husband, they say between me and them we did cpr for over an hour to no avail. He was only 22 years old.

I close my eyes and all i can see is him still up there, i hate coming home, and i feel so alone, no one understands, everyone keeps asking me “how you hanging in there” and i just want to scream!!! Do they realize how bad of a choice of words that is?!?!



When i was 16 and brother ( a long time nickname) was 10, daddy died of cancer. he and mom had had a rough last year relationship. anyway. i grew up fast and strong. i had to. by the tine i was 19, i had moved into my own place and was living the adult life. brother…however was still at home…maybe 15 or sixteen…not sure of first date…but i got a call when i was 21 at my apartment…my mom screaming saying,” he did it!!”. well no one told me anything prior…so half awake i say ” what? really mom? its 6 am!?!” apparently brother had tried before but no one told me. like i said…i had to be strong. i was the daddy. anyway…she saved him…he did the therapy…took them pills…and life went on…like so many others, the pills worked…thinking they were cured. no. a year later…brother hung himself in my old room. skipped school…and hung himself. i have questions. i know the answers…he was disturbed…blah blah…he missed daddy…blah blah. now its affecting me. its been 8 yrs…but i wanna know. im an alcoholic now. i blame it on daddy and brother…but yea right.




Im still a big brother, just with one less sibling…

On October 20th, 2014, at 5:41pm, I found out my little brother had hung himself. I was on my way to work, 1500 miles away from my family. I remember screaming, immediately start crying and almost wreck my car turning around to go back to the house. It was the worst pain I had ever felt.

One of the things that hurt the most, wasn’t that he was actually gone, but that I was so far away from him and the rest of the family. I’m the oldest of all my siblings. I’m supposed to be the one there to protect them all. I felt as though I had failed at one of the most important jobs there is. Not just to him, but to my other siblings as well.

That feeling has yet to go away. I doubt it ever will. The only comfort there is, is knowing that while i was able to, I did what I could. Try to steer him in the right direction. Yes I was hard on him, but that’s what big brothers do. We’re hard on each other so that they’ll be strong enough to take care of themselves.

He was strong enough to take care of himself, thanks to me. But the mental illnesses he faced just got the best of him. He may not be here physically anymore, but my memories and pictures of him I will always keep close to me. He was my first best friend no matter how many times I felt like killing him, (part of being a big brother also lol).

His pain has now vanished, the torture has stopped. I hope that he is happy now and watching down on us all with a smile. Even though he is not here to live his life, I still am to live life for the both of us.


8 months since I became an only child

Eight months ago my big brother hung himself. He had struggled with mental illness his whole life and a serious of unfortunate events combined with inadequate medications were the cause behind his choice. He was 24 years old, I was 19 at the time. He was my best friend and I struggle with my own problems from time to time and he would help me through them all. I miss him so much because he was always there for me, and I just wish I could have been there for him more. Since I got that phone call on July 11th of last year I have been so numb to my emotions and can’t begin to think about him because of my fear that I may never stop crying. If anyone else has a similar experience to mine please share it. I feel so completely alone in this and it is so hard to find someone who has been through even close to similar circumstances. I would be more than happy to share more with you and listen to everything you have to say.



14 years

Today my brother, Taylor has been gone 14 years. 5113 days. I guess it is easier. I don’t feel like I’m being squeezed. Unable to breathe. I am still sad. I think of all that he has missed. Opportunities to laugh at me. To hug me. To yell at me for being stupid. To be proud of me. I think of all there is yet to miss. And of course I think of living longer without him than I did with him. I think of the porch swing we promised to occupy when we were 84 and 82. 14 years. I miss you brother. I miss you so very much.



So today my Mom posted this thing from YouTube on Facebook. Someone did a tribute to suicides. Some were famous or cases that were in the news, but so was my brother.

The logical part of my brain says anything that brings attention to the epidemic of suicide is a good thing, but there is another part of me that finds it so distasteful. It isn’t the first time that someone has acknowledged my brother’s suicide in some public way without mine or my mother’s consent, but I find it still raises my hackles. I don’t know these people, I don’t know why they are doing it. They certainly didn’t know my brother. It is completely illogical for me to be angry about it, but a part of me is. Didn’t stop me from sharing the video. But I left off any commentary because my facebook is littered with people I wouldn’t want to have that kind of insight.

Have any of you had any experience with this? Has it happened to you? Thoughts?