When i was 16 and brother ( a long time nickname) was 10, daddy died of cancer. he and mom had had a rough last year relationship. anyway. i grew up fast and strong. i had to. by the tine i was 19, i had moved into my own place and was living the adult life. brother…however was still at home…maybe 15 or sixteen…not sure of first date…but i got a call when i was 21 at my apartment…my mom screaming saying,” he did it!!”. well no one told me anything prior…so half awake i say ” what? really mom? its 6 am!?!” apparently brother had tried before but no one told me. like i said…i had to be strong. i was the daddy. anyway…she saved him…he did the therapy…took them pills…and life went on…like so many others, the pills worked…thinking they were cured. no. a year later…brother hung himself in my old room. skipped school…and hung himself. i have questions. i know the answers…he was disturbed…blah blah…he missed daddy…blah blah. now its affecting me. its been 8 yrs…but i wanna know. im an alcoholic now. i blame it on daddy and brother…but yea right.




Im still a big brother, just with one less sibling…

On October 20th, 2014, at 5:41pm, I found out my little brother had hung himself. I was on my way to work, 1500 miles away from my family. I remember screaming, immediately start crying and almost wreck my car turning around to go back to the house. It was the worst pain I had ever felt.

One of the things that hurt the most, wasn’t that he was actually gone, but that I was so far away from him and the rest of the family. I’m the oldest of all my siblings. I’m supposed to be the one there to protect them all. I felt as though I had failed at one of the most important jobs there is. Not just to him, but to my other siblings as well.

That feeling has yet to go away. I doubt it ever will. The only comfort there is, is knowing that while i was able to, I did what I could. Try to steer him in the right direction. Yes I was hard on him, but that’s what big brothers do. We’re hard on each other so that they’ll be strong enough to take care of themselves.

He was strong enough to take care of himself, thanks to me. But the mental illnesses he faced just got the best of him. He may not be here physically anymore, but my memories and pictures of him I will always keep close to me. He was my first best friend no matter how many times I felt like killing him, (part of being a big brother also lol).

His pain has now vanished, the torture has stopped. I hope that he is happy now and watching down on us all with a smile. Even though he is not here to live his life, I still am to live life for the both of us.


8 months since I became an only child

Eight months ago my big brother hung himself. He had struggled with mental illness his whole life and a serious of unfortunate events combined with inadequate medications were the cause behind his choice. He was 24 years old, I was 19 at the time. He was my best friend and I struggle with my own problems from time to time and he would help me through them all. I miss him so much because he was always there for me, and I just wish I could have been there for him more. Since I got that phone call on July 11th of last year I have been so numb to my emotions and can’t begin to think about him because of my fear that I may never stop crying. If anyone else has a similar experience to mine please share it. I feel so completely alone in this and it is so hard to find someone who has been through even close to similar circumstances. I would be more than happy to share more with you and listen to everything you have to say.



14 years

Today my brother, Taylor has been gone 14 years. 5113 days. I guess it is easier. I don’t feel like I’m being squeezed. Unable to breathe. I am still sad. I think of all that he has missed. Opportunities to laugh at me. To hug me. To yell at me for being stupid. To be proud of me. I think of all there is yet to miss. And of course I think of living longer without him than I did with him. I think of the porch swing we promised to occupy when we were 84 and 82. 14 years. I miss you brother. I miss you so very much.



So today my Mom posted this thing from YouTube on Facebook. Someone did a tribute to suicides. Some were famous or cases that were in the news, but so was my brother.

The logical part of my brain says anything that brings attention to the epidemic of suicide is a good thing, but there is another part of me that finds it so distasteful. It isn’t the first time that someone has acknowledged my brother’s suicide in some public way without mine or my mother’s consent, but I find it still raises my hackles. I don’t know these people, I don’t know why they are doing it. They certainly didn’t know my brother. It is completely illogical for me to be angry about it, but a part of me is. Didn’t stop me from sharing the video. But I left off any commentary because my facebook is littered with people I wouldn’t want to have that kind of insight.

Have any of you had any experience with this? Has it happened to you? Thoughts?



My loving brother

My loving brother took his own life on Nov. 2nd 2014. He was 31 years old. I wish I could say I know why he did it but, I DON’T KNOW. I was the last person to talk to him, he expressed his deep love and respect for me. He said I was a great sister. All I know is, he was going through severe depression. My dad had recently been released from the hospital which is why I assumed he was sad.


My brother was married and had a daughter who turned 3 years old the following week after his death. He took his own life the day after his wife’s birthday, also in November. I have yet to make sense of this. He never did drugs and was committed to his family and parents, living in Mexico. They all lived in the same house. I was unable to travel for his funeral due to financial reasons and I hadn’t seen any of them including him in 7 years. But I constantly talked on the phone with him. I talked more with him than with my own Dad. All I know is, he was having marital problems, which he kept from his parents (Dad and Stepmom) but shared with my other brother.


His wife showed no emotion during his funeral and left the house with the baby the following day after the services according to my other brother.


In trying to make sense of this, I’m also trying to forgive myself for not being the big sister I should’ve been. Could I have said anything to him to prevent him from doing this? Should I have made more time to listen? I was at work when he called. I work for a Middle School and didn’t want to loose my composure. I said I’d call back and I didn’t. I love my brother, he was a kind, loving and generous soul. He stayed behind while we all left, to take care of his parents. Why?! Why him?!


Where is the guestbook??

What happened to the guestbook? So many people, so many messages, so many years, just deleted and replaced with a meager 5 posts since November?? I am obviously not the only one who isn’t a fan of the new look. I used to visit this site when I felt alone in my suffering and reading all the stories offered comfort. Now the website is just another website claiming to care when really they deleted what helped in the loneliest of times.



2 Siblings and Counting? Help for the Survivors

Hello, I am sibling 4 out of 5. When we grew up, we each had one child. Our mother was murdered in 1978. My oldest sister killed herself in 1994, having blamed herself for years for my mothers death. The youngest male sibling could not manage his grief and took his life in 1996. Now the oldest brother and my younger sister are both living alone, although somewhat close geographically. The sister has been abusing drugs and alcohol since she was 18, the day our mom died. My brother, a Vietnam Navy Seal, has purchased helium tanks and has matter-of-factly told me when he is ready he is going to go. I got a call on Christmas that little sister OD’ed and is in the hospital. She is going to make it. This time. It seems like my grief is neverending. I grief for what is lost, for the children, for my sick, sick, siblings who should be living productive lives, not thinking every day they will snuff them out. How long can this go on? Will I really be the sole sibling left? It is inconceivable, yet more and more is looking like a possibility. They refuse professional help. It seems hopeless.