It is #mentalhealthawarenessweek and so I have decided to share the blog I have been writing about my brother’s recent death. I guess I feel that even if one person reads it and either has depression and seeks help, or is close to someone who may need help, then it is 1000% worth it.
It’s been less than a month, but feels like a lifetime. That song ‘it’s been a long day without you my friend, and I’ll tell you all about it when i see you again’. I have to think about the future, i have to face the future without you now. You turned 17 a month before you decided to die. You told mom about a month before the suicide that maybe you had depression. That you looked up ways of killing yourself painlessly…. I was 9000 miles away, when i found out i spoke to you on skype, told you to get therapy. Told mom to get you to see the doctor Asap! But you said you were fine. And everyone swept it under the carpet. Well, on monday, april eleventh, you went to school on as always. Half an hour later mom got the call – you never turned up. She called you. You said your lessons were to start later on that day, you were going to go downtown. Mom told you to come home and get the money for bus. You said in your normal, almost cheery voice ‘yes, okay, I’m going to go home now’ hung up, turned off your phone. You were about 15 miles away from home. 30 minutes later you put your neck down on to the railway line…. Mom was trying to call you when you were already dead. She texted me when she first couldn’t get hold of you. There was a 9hr difference, so it was evening and i was still at work. My heart sank. I could feel something. And when 1, 2, 3, 4 hours passed and there were no news still, i could sense it. And then she texted me – police is here. I knew it. Even before she said it. While she was still hoping he’d come back, i googled a newspaper article about a person who got hit by train and died. That was in our city. And i just knew.
I had a bad feeling all week before that. Like i was so sad but didn’t know why. I flew back as soon as i could. Mom tried to overdose on sleeping pills two days after i came home. She seems better now. I almost never cry. Doesn’t seem real. Read everything on suicide, survivors, and overcoming grief. I’m like a family psychiatrist now. The voice of reason. I’m 23 and was living alone in the country i dreamt of for 10 years. Had the best job ever. Now I’m back to square one, we’re moving to a different city, my parents are broken and “i’m strong, I’ll be happy again when i have kids” according to my mom. I don’t even care about myself as much. It just pains me to see her hurting like this, so i keep everything inside and then get these panic attacks. But they’re nothing. It’s nothing. Nothing matters. But i want to be happy, yet i feel selfish. And i’m mad at my brother. Then i feel guilty again and mad at myself because he was ill. And i will never admit it, but i am mad at my parents and i think they are guilty. For not taking his words seriously, for letting it all slip. But they already feel tremendous guilt, so i won’t ever say anything. My life is on pause, their life has ended. My brother is dead. I have these internal monologues constantly. Sometimes i try to forget. Sometimes i do forget. I was the only person at the crematorium. We couldn’t let mom go. So dad stayed with her. And i’m the big sister so i had to be there one last time. Who knew, that when i went away in January, it would be the last time i see him? I keep telling myself – it was depression. But it still hurts…
Corey, my only sibling and older brother. We never fought. We understood each other in ways that I can’t even explain. Knowing that he always struggled, had this deep pain that none of us could even begin to comprehend. But always tried to keep a positive exterior, smiling and laughing, being an inspiration to everyone that surrounded him… He just didn’t realize how much he impacted every ones lives. Took his life March 12th, the night we got back from a comedy show. I am 20 years old and Corey was 25, this has felt like a nightmare since the day I woke up to the phone call… He had hung himself. Which is the hardest part for me to shake. The pain is too real now, confused, lost, hurt. Knowing you are finally at peace is somewhat comforting, I just wish I could hug you once more, that scruffy facial hair on my cheek. Feel your presence and hear the reassuring advice you always gave me. He was my angel from the beginning and always will be.
It’s been a little over 2 years. It hasn’t been easy; not for me and not for loved ones on both sides of the family. Some of us are still doing “the detective work”- asking why. We know we will never know. I just hope (and deep down I know that you are) that you are at peace and in a better place. The grief comes and goes…sometimes in tidal waves and sometimes completely unexpectedly. I think it might be like this for awhile. Anyway, we all love you (always) and miss you a ton. Wish you were here Bromo.
Just buried my brother on April 1. I lost my best friend, my protector, and older brother to suicide. I swear I can still hear him walk through my house and call my name. There is not a day that has gone by that I don’t cry. My birthday was 4 days later; it was the second worst day of my life. I am 33 – my brother would be 37 in July. Is this pain going to ease? I’m lost without my friend. I’m confused – why? Why did he have to come to my house and shoot himself in my driveway? We have always been so close…why would he do this to me?
I lost my 37 year old brother one month ago today. It feels like a nightmare and I would give anything to make it go away. If I can barely get through a day without a wide range of emotions, how on Earth will I make it a year and beyond? This didn’t need to happen, shouldn’t have happened; please Lord help undo this painful mess. The love of your kids…why couldn’t you at least still feel or see that? It could have pulled you through. I would have done anything if you just would have called me. Are you ok? Are you at peace? Are you by me? I don’t feel you by me. Please stay close.
It has been a month and a half since you died. I miss you so much I cry everyday. I miss how you’d tell me every time I saw you that you loved me. We weren’t brothers by blood, but that didn’t matter. I miss how you’d make me laugh like a fool, and I loved making you laugh. I still remember your voice so clearly. Remember when I taught you those words in Gypsy? May tut kamavva. – I love you.
I’m so sorry that I ignored your calls and texts so many times over the last year always saying that I was too busy. You stole such a big piece of my heart, and when I heard you passed I thought I was having a heart attack. Even still my stomach aches for the pain that I know you were in in those last moments. I told you that I would die for you because you were so afraid of death.
Mom and dad are having a hard time, I see them almost everyday. At your funeral your mom looked at me and said “Alex, my lovely, you have lost your true brother.”
I never wanted you to have any pain. Now, you don’t, you’re free, that’s what I lived and prayed for all these years. I love you. I always will.
Happy Birthday, you would be 24 years old today. I was only 13 when you took your life at 18 years old. I cry because its been 6 years and I try so hard to hold onto the memories I have of you. I think about how proud you would be of me. Of hanging out with you today if you were still here. Watching a movie, playing video games, fighting with you. All I have are your sneakers, a painting you did, and your deodorant I used to love the smell of. I’m finally going to counseling for everything. It hurts me so bad that suicide is something that no one talks about. How can I finally be at peace with it? I love you so much and I made you a cake. 🙂
-Love you lots
Your little sis
Grief has the tendency of kicking me when I’m down
It has a knack for taking me by surprise, creeping up on me when I least expect it
Sometimes it’s with me all day, washing over me like waves, back and forth
At other times it’s like a hit and run, there one second and gone the next
It grips my heart and squeezes it, drenching out the sadness like juice
Loss weighs on my chest like a stone carved from my memories
Those moments, smiles and wishes haunting my mind
Grief is a welcome friend
I embrace it willingly, tenderly, like a comrade absent for too long
It cleanses my soul, washing it with tears
It lifts the pressure from my aching bones
Maybe for just a minute, maybe for days
It’s with me always
Sometimes lurching in the shadows, sometimes holding my hand
Leading me into the darkness, or showing me the light
It’s been 3 months (11-12-15) since you left us here. So much has changed for example I got to meet Melinda’s girlfriend and daughter Grace. Crystal says you are still going to prom with her, she’s getting a dress in your favorite color (blue) and she’s going to hold your picture up at the photo booth I think. They are giving you a page in the yearbook in your memory and I handed in a sinking picture for the senior sibling page. They took those pictures the week I came back to school. I still can’t believe your not here to help keep the boys away from me or see me grow up in person. I miss you a ton Johnny…I love you and I always will bub.