There was four of us. My brother Jamie the oldest, then me, followed by my sister Mandie and last but not least the baby Tomi Ann. July 15th 2014 Jamie drove to the top of the mountains and ran a hose from the tail pipe of his pickup and ended his life leaving behind 3 beautiful girls ages 20 and twins 15. My world was turned upside down that day. Hard to imagine anything in life could be that bad. Fast forward to July 26th 2017 my baby sister Tomi Ann pulled her truck into her garage and did the same thing. Leaving behind 4 kids 20, 8 and twin 2 year olds. WHY? How do Mandi and I deal with this again? How do these beautiful nieces and nephews go through life without their parent? I talk to Mandie often on the phone she lives in Alaska and me in Colorado so we rarely see each other. We find o
Ourselves crying our eyes out to each other. Hoping to find some sort of relief from this horrible pain.

My brother took his life a little more than three months ago. I completely see it as my fault. I had this built up resentment against him because I had heard something he said about me. I don’t even remember what it was.
I had been contemplating doing the same thing a week before but I changed my lifestyle to shift. I constantly think that it should have been me. I miss him so much.
I saw the text. I saw the last text that he would ever send. And I didn’t even open it. He said he loved us (group message). The only one to reply was my mom.
I don’t know how to grieve. I’ve never had a loss in my family before. I didn’t see this coming. I was focused on petty drama. I can’t shake the feeling that it was either my fault or should’ve been me.
I miss you Albert. I love you

Dear people. Just 12 days after my 14th birthday in September of 2015 I had lost my favorite oldest sister and favorite person in my life. Her name was Abby. She was born December 15, 1998 and died September 26, 2015. Still today is hard and crazy without her. I miss her a lot and never wanted to lose her.
But she had to leave me at a very young age. she was only 16 and would of been 17 that year.

My youngest brother hung himself after his wife left him… He came to stay with us to get back on his feet … he hung himself in our barn on my birthday ! It’s been almost 7 months and it doesn’t get any easier! I feel guilty that I didn’t really think he would do this, that I let him down, that I didn’t see the signs and most of all I let my parents and other brother down! My husband found him… he uses that against me now!! I can not repay that debt!! I’m so so sad and sometimes I am emotionless! Stunned
No one can help… he is gone

F***
Sorry for the profanity but I just had to let it out, I’m so mad, sad, lost, confused, hurt, and sick. My baby brother took his life at the ripe age of 21. I miss him so damn much and I just don’t know what to do. Damnit man this sucks! He stood by me when I got married and now he’s just gone.

Lost

I lost my baby sister to suicide

On October 2, 2017 I lost my baby sister to suicide at the young age of 39. I’m so hurt and confused because I talked to her the day before. I’m angry with myself for not recognizing any possible signs in our conversation that may have saved her life. I cry just thinking about her. I pray she’s at peace and in heaven now with our dad but how do I know she’s at peace and in heaven. Deep down I’m selfish because I believe she could have stayed here and that my love was enough to fix her. My sister had a past of suicide attempts but was able to be saved so why wasn’t she saved this time I still talk to her as though she’s here with me and it’s like I’m trying to convince myself she’s here watching just to feel like she is but I don’t know if she’s really here with me or not. I feel like myself and everyone she loved failed her by not saving her or preventing her from committing suicide. It also replay in my head nonstop.

Subject: How?

Two nights ago my brother committed suicide. I got the news and I immediately felt like all the air in my lungs was pulled from my body… I can’t stop picturing in my head what he was going through the moments leading to his departure… How can I stop these mental pictures from crossing my mind? How can anyone go about their normal daily lives after a tragic loss of a brother!?? I’ve cried and cried… I still today find myself tearing up… I’m lost now, I am not in control of this situation and I’m driving myself crazy…

Subject: Baby Brother

Dear CJ
Its been 3 weeks today. Mondays suck. They are the worse. I cant help loon at the clock and think about when u left the house, drove to the park, and put the gun to your head.
U left me here alone. It was me and u. What am i suppose to do with mom and dad? U were suppose to help me make decisions but here i am….now an only child. WTF were u thinking?
The cancer diagnosis was something we could have worked through. Instead u left us heart broken. What am i suppose to tell DE about his Uncle when he asks. U were his god parent. Did u think of that when u decided to put a bullet in ur brain?
Do u know im seeking therapy becuse i cant look at my duty weapon without having thoughts myself???
I dont understand…….
I love and miss u so much……
This is a nighmare i cant get out of…..
I cant stop crying……
My heart aches……
U left me……now an only child that i dont want to be.

20years has past since my favorite person in the world,left. I was wrong to take you for granted and make the assumption that no harm could ever fall on you You were enveloped in my future thru all of our growing older together I feel lost and alone here This years is a new normal to get used to… I’m older so I can clearly recall the day u moved in…but now I’ve been alive without you,longer than we spent together It’s been lonely without you here Just deep, profound loneliness I’ll forever pray you you did what you believed you need to do I know if your mind, spirit &soul were in such torment here,when u choose to leave,u were released… Welcomed,loved,accepted and at peace.