Will it ever stop?



My oldest brother, James, took his life three and a half years ago. Obvious it’s been hard as my whole family has tried to process for ourselves and help each other… And we’re not very good at it… We all miss him. The younger kids, myself included, feel hurt and short changed because with the age difference we really didn’t get much opportunity to get to know him and develop a relationship with him. My parents, especially my dad, were a wreck for a really long time, and it has just been in the last month or two that I haven’t been as concerned for them.

I’ve been dealing with my own bout of depression, and honestly while I am making sure to never entertain such thoughts and feelings, sometimes the thought comes that it would just be easier to not wake up one morning. I just spent this last year at school watching my roommate, who I truly love and care about, almost die from an eating disorder, until I finally harassed the right people into forcing her to get help. The sister just older than me has estranged herself from our family to pursue a really unhealthy relationship. And yesterday my baby sister swallowed a big handful of pills… It didn’t work, thank heavens… But she still tried to take her own life. She’s 16, and thought that was the best answer at the moment.

I know every life comes with difficulties and trials, and that everyone has free will, and that unfortunately illnesses are not all viruses or bacteria, but often the significantly less visible and quantifiable pain of a hurting soul… But does it ever stop? Will there ever be times again when everything will just be okay, maybe happy even? I’m just so tired, and I feel like I’ve been fighting an losing, uphill battle for just too long. But other people need me and so I can’t stop, and I won’t… But I would just really like a rest…


So many gone


In 1978 my brother Carter hung himself. I was fifteen at the time. I felt I not only lost my brother but my entire family. Back then there was no suggestion of counseling and those of us left we pretty much expected to keep it to ourselves. In 1981 my oldest sister Tacy took her life by an overdose. Then in 1998 my other brother, Calvin, who was Carter’s identical twin, hung himself. In 2006 my oldest nephew, Calvin’s son, hung himself. My only daughter attempted suicide last summer. I myself am in therapy, and have attempted suicide several times, as have my two surviving sisters. We all feel that we lost our parents when we first lost Carter, and it got worse with each death. Mom and Daddy are both gone now and I can’t help but be grateful that they are all together now. With each death our parents pushed us further and further away. We felt like everyone was just wondering which one would be next. Both my older sister and I have been diagnosed as bipolar with major depressive disorder and suicidal ideations. We are both actively seeking treatment, but we both worry about our younger sister as she does not admit to having a problem, even though I cut her down myself when she tried to hang herself. I miss them all, but I fight every day not to join them before my time.


Big Brother

I’ve never done anything like this before but lately I’ve been thinking about my brother. My mom has been trying to get me to talk but i don’t like talking about him. I thought i would give this a try. 8 months ago today my best friend Colby ended his own life. He was my best friend. Me and him got in a fight one day and he left. I was so stubborn and wouldn’t talk to him. We didn’t talk for about 6 months before he came back and got some things from my house. I said one word to him and that was the last word I ever said to him. I can’t help but feel that it was my fault that he left. If he didn’t leave, he would still be here. It’s really hard for me to go to school because my teachers loved him. I just don’t know what i should do.


my baby brother



I have four younger brothers, or had. Three months ago my brother just younger than me passed away from carbon monoxide posioning. That was very hard on all of us, but then it got drastically harder…

Almost three weeks ago, my husband, my brother and I went to easter at my grandmas, (its like a reunion, huge get-together) we had a great time and got home (my brother had been staying with us for about a month) We made popcorn and sat down to watch a movie, all of us laughed and laughed and just enjoyed the movie and each other.

My husband went to bed around 12:30 am. About ten minutes later, my brother got up, and i just assumed it was to go to the bathroom. After about half hour/ forty fuve minutes, I started to wonder what was up, so I went to the bathroom door to find the door open a crack and the light off, so i pulled it open, and he wasnt in there.

A few nights prior, he had gone outside, and said it was to get some fresh ir because his asthma was acting up. So this night i assumed the same, I went outside and called for him, didnt see him, but noticed my garage light was on in the stall farthest feom the house, so i walked over there and could partially see him (that stall is storage, and is very cluttered), i called out to him again with no response. So i walked around a stack of stuff, and then could fully see him hanging from the rafters, by a ratchet strap. I immediately called 911and screamed at the top of my lungs for help and ran to the house to grab a knife. I ran back and tried to support his weight, as i cut the strap, he fell, i began doing cpr, the chest compressions and mouth to mouth. I could tell by the way he smelled and how his lips tasted he was gone, but i couldnt stop. Finally the first cop got to my house, and i continued the compressions as he started the dibulator process, about that time the second cop got there, and i finally was able to stop and phone my mother, and wake up my husband, they say between me and them we did cpr for over an hour to no avail. He was only 22 years old.

I close my eyes and all i can see is him still up there, i hate coming home, and i feel so alone, no one understands, everyone keeps asking me “how you hanging in there” and i just want to scream!!! Do they realize how bad of a choice of words that is?!?!



When i was 16 and brother ( a long time nickname) was 10, daddy died of cancer. he and mom had had a rough last year relationship. anyway. i grew up fast and strong. i had to. by the tine i was 19, i had moved into my own place and was living the adult life. brother…however was still at home…maybe 15 or sixteen…not sure of first date…but i got a call when i was 21 at my apartment…my mom screaming saying,” he did it!!”. well no one told me anything prior…so half awake i say ” what? really mom? its 6 am!?!” apparently brother had tried before but no one told me. like i said…i had to be strong. i was the daddy. anyway…she saved him…he did the therapy…took them pills…and life went on…like so many others, the pills worked…thinking they were cured. no. a year later…brother hung himself in my old room. skipped school…and hung himself. i have questions. i know the answers…he was disturbed…blah blah…he missed daddy…blah blah. now its affecting me. its been 8 yrs…but i wanna know. im an alcoholic now. i blame it on daddy and brother…but yea right.




Im still a big brother, just with one less sibling…

On October 20th, 2014, at 5:41pm, I found out my little brother had hung himself. I was on my way to work, 1500 miles away from my family. I remember screaming, immediately start crying and almost wreck my car turning around to go back to the house. It was the worst pain I had ever felt.

One of the things that hurt the most, wasn’t that he was actually gone, but that I was so far away from him and the rest of the family. I’m the oldest of all my siblings. I’m supposed to be the one there to protect them all. I felt as though I had failed at one of the most important jobs there is. Not just to him, but to my other siblings as well.

That feeling has yet to go away. I doubt it ever will. The only comfort there is, is knowing that while i was able to, I did what I could. Try to steer him in the right direction. Yes I was hard on him, but that’s what big brothers do. We’re hard on each other so that they’ll be strong enough to take care of themselves.

He was strong enough to take care of himself, thanks to me. But the mental illnesses he faced just got the best of him. He may not be here physically anymore, but my memories and pictures of him I will always keep close to me. He was my first best friend no matter how many times I felt like killing him, (part of being a big brother also lol).

His pain has now vanished, the torture has stopped. I hope that he is happy now and watching down on us all with a smile. Even though he is not here to live his life, I still am to live life for the both of us.


8 months since I became an only child

Eight months ago my big brother hung himself. He had struggled with mental illness his whole life and a serious of unfortunate events combined with inadequate medications were the cause behind his choice. He was 24 years old, I was 19 at the time. He was my best friend and I struggle with my own problems from time to time and he would help me through them all. I miss him so much because he was always there for me, and I just wish I could have been there for him more. Since I got that phone call on July 11th of last year I have been so numb to my emotions and can’t begin to think about him because of my fear that I may never stop crying. If anyone else has a similar experience to mine please share it. I feel so completely alone in this and it is so hard to find someone who has been through even close to similar circumstances. I would be more than happy to share more with you and listen to everything you have to say.