14 years

Today my brother, Taylor has been gone 14 years. 5113 days. I guess it is easier. I don’t feel like I’m being squeezed. Unable to breathe. I am still sad. I think of all that he has missed. Opportunities to laugh at me. To hug me. To yell at me for being stupid. To be proud of me. I think of all there is yet to miss. And of course I think of living longer without him than I did with him. I think of the porch swing we promised to occupy when we were 84 and 82. 14 years. I miss you brother. I miss you so very much.



So today my Mom posted this thing from YouTube on Facebook. Someone did a tribute to suicides. Some were famous or cases that were in the news, but so was my brother.

The logical part of my brain says anything that brings attention to the epidemic of suicide is a good thing, but there is another part of me that finds it so distasteful. It isn’t the first time that someone has acknowledged my brother’s suicide in some public way without mine or my mother’s consent, but I find it still raises my hackles. I don’t know these people, I don’t know why they are doing it. They certainly didn’t know my brother. It is completely illogical for me to be angry about it, but a part of me is. Didn’t stop me from sharing the video. But I left off any commentary because my facebook is littered with people I wouldn’t want to have that kind of insight.

Have any of you had any experience with this? Has it happened to you? Thoughts?



My loving brother

My loving brother took his own life on Nov. 2nd 2014. He was 31 years old. I wish I could say I know why he did it but, I DON’T KNOW. I was the last person to talk to him, he expressed his deep love and respect for me. He said I was a great sister. All I know is, he was going through severe depression. My dad had recently been released from the hospital which is why I assumed he was sad.


My brother was married and had a daughter who turned 3 years old the following week after his death. He took his own life the day after his wife’s birthday, also in November. I have yet to make sense of this. He never did drugs and was committed to his family and parents, living in Mexico. They all lived in the same house. I was unable to travel for his funeral due to financial reasons and I hadn’t seen any of them including him in 7 years. But I constantly talked on the phone with him. I talked more with him than with my own Dad. All I know is, he was having marital problems, which he kept from his parents (Dad and Stepmom) but shared with my other brother.


His wife showed no emotion during his funeral and left the house with the baby the following day after the services according to my other brother.


In trying to make sense of this, I’m also trying to forgive myself for not being the big sister I should’ve been. Could I have said anything to him to prevent him from doing this? Should I have made more time to listen? I was at work when he called. I work for a Middle School and didn’t want to loose my composure. I said I’d call back and I didn’t. I love my brother, he was a kind, loving and generous soul. He stayed behind while we all left, to take care of his parents. Why?! Why him?!


Where is the guestbook??

What happened to the guestbook? So many people, so many messages, so many years, just deleted and replaced with a meager 5 posts since November?? I am obviously not the only one who isn’t a fan of the new look. I used to visit this site when I felt alone in my suffering and reading all the stories offered comfort. Now the website is just another website claiming to care when really they deleted what helped in the loneliest of times.



2 Siblings and Counting? Help for the Survivors

Hello, I am sibling 4 out of 5. When we grew up, we each had one child. Our mother was murdered in 1978. My oldest sister killed herself in 1994, having blamed herself for years for my mothers death. The youngest male sibling could not manage his grief and took his life in 1996. Now the oldest brother and my younger sister are both living alone, although somewhat close geographically. The sister has been abusing drugs and alcohol since she was 18, the day our mom died. My brother, a Vietnam Navy Seal, has purchased helium tanks and has matter-of-factly told me when he is ready he is going to go. I got a call on Christmas that little sister OD’ed and is in the hospital. She is going to make it. This time. It seems like my grief is neverending. I grief for what is lost, for the children, for my sick, sick, siblings who should be living productive lives, not thinking every day they will snuff them out. How long can this go on? Will I really be the sole sibling left? It is inconceivable, yet more and more is looking like a possibility. They refuse professional help. It seems hopeless.



5 year mark

12/24/2009 R.I.P. Captain Kochavi. I love you, big sis. Five years is looming on the horizon and I feel compelled to touch the grief and be close to you again. Stopping to consider the purpose in my own life threatens to bring me back to the despair of losing you. I write songs for you and I even registered a copyright this year for one. it is a comfort to me to sing it, but painful to sing it to others. To any new survivors- please hang in there one breath at a time. Life is bittersweet, but there may be new joys to experience down the road. Please touch base and get help with the sorrow. Peace to all. (I love you, Mariah, and look forward to the day I will see you again)


Just wanted to say..

To a little brother who always covered for me when we were younger, who was an awesome teammate as well as competitor in many video games (he was number 1 in the world in one particular PlayStation game; I may have been a little jealous lol). Who shared many favorite hobbies with me and all of the experiences we had. Words can’t describe how grateful I am that we were so close and were able to spend so much time together those last few years. Just wanted to say: I love you bro so very much.