My brother took his own life by hanging on January 23rd 2017. I remember that night more than any other night, the weather was absolutely aweful. He had recently split from his fiancé and she had not let him see his two young daughters in almost a week. We never knew that he had been suffering from depression and anxiety. He left us a video explaining this and how he couldn’t live without his fiancé. He felt that Suicide was the only option he had. He left behind 3 young children, as well as his two daughters he also has a son from a previous relationship. There’s just myself and my sister now trying to be strong for our mum. We all struggle everyday, some days I don’t even want to go outside the house. I cry a lot, mainly when I am on my own. I sit at my dinner table looking at the door, praying for him to walk in. I miss him so much, we were close growing up. I wish I had known how broken he was and been able to help him. It’s almost a year now since he’s been gone, it’s passed is by in a blur tbh. I feel that it’s not getting any better though, I feel it’s getting worse. I sometimes just lie in bed looking at the ceiling, overthinking it all. Punishing myself of things I could have done. He’s all I think of from the moment I wake until the moment I go to sleep. I dream of him most nights. I just can’t imagine spending the rest of my life living in this way. It breaks my heart to look in my mums eyes and see how broken she is. My brother was the oldest just 30 years old when he took his own life. I’m 30 now just recently turned and our sister is 19. I really need someone to talk to who has lost a brother/sister to Suicide. I’m in a six year relationship but my partner doesn’t really understand how I feel inside.

I just discovered this site, and as I read the many submissions that resonated with my experience, I succumbed to the pain that is there all of the time for my 30 year old, wonderful, caring brother.
He took his life in October. Used a rope and ended it all on a tree in my parents’ backyard. He was all alone, which I think is the most painful part of this entire story for me. My dad found him, and my mom said she swore she saw dried tears on his cheeks as he lay in the grass after they cut him down. As weird as it sounds, I almost wish I was with him, comforting him during this terrible and tragic glitch in time.
He had been struggling for quite some time with chronic headaches. Fast forward through the struggles of a couple drug-induced manic episodes, working with a poor mental health system, a couple suicide attempts, seeking help from COUNTLESS doctors for headaches or anything at all (failure on all counts, it seems), and here we are. We lost the battle.
I often think of his suicide like battling cancer. For nearly a year and a half, he talked of suicide and we worked SO hard to keep him alive, to keep him healthy. He knew he was loved. He wanted to get better. He had so much potential. It’s almost strange to me how unprepared I was to lose him, since he had basically been trying to warn us for so long. Nobody can comprehend the severity of this kind of tragedy until it is experienced.
The permanent absence of his laugh, of his smile, of my favorite arm to hold, is hurtful, painful, and just plain sad. I’m 25, and I know that with time, the grief of loss will change and wane, but it will always be a terrible void. It will always be hard.

In the north west of England we refer to our male siblings as ‘our kid’.
Our kid killed himself in August 2016.
It’s Sunday night, cold and Liverpool, where I live is rain lashed. Sunday is bad enough most of the time but tonight I can’t get him out of my mind. It’s so painful.

Subject: Approaching 6 years

I found this site a few years ago and now have the app installed on my phone. I don’t open it too often, maybe once a month. I read thru the guest posts and feel the pain. I understand the feelings so many think no one can possibly understand. I have been there, I still am.
My younger brother shot himself in the head on feb 4th, 2012. He was 25 years old, getting a divorce and a Marine.
I am finally seeing a counselor, finally working thru the feelings. I have been shoving them deep down, ignoring them. But this year is a year of great change. I am divorcing my husband of 10 years and opening up to the world.
The hurt of losing my younger brother hasn’t lessened any. I still think of him everyday, whether I speak of him or not. It is a cycle of talking and crying and finding someone to listen. Whether you hold it in or let it out, everything is real and ok. Our lives are never, ever going to be the same. Nor should they, we have felt a loss so profound. For me, I am going for what makes me happy, I am not letting life’s negativity or other people hold me back. There have been two life altering events, losing my brother and finding my father. Two things that I couldn’t even dream of when I was younger, and now they have happened and for the good and the bad, I am here still.
I pull down my brothers flag case, with his picture and his medals. I open it up and if alone, I cry. I let it out, then I pull it back in and continue.

Subject: I lost one of my beautiful brothers yesterday

I received a text & phone call from my other siblings, that my second oldest brother took his own life to hanging. We are in a state of shock. He was a great man that struggeled with alot of things in life like most of us do. It was such terrible news that anyone could ever receive in there whole life. What shocked us was that we did not think he could do something like that. It is like a bad dream. We just ask Why o Why did you do it. My beautiful brother was stuck in a bad rut. He was only 55 years old. He had a wife 25 years married & two adult son’s. He was about to move & start a new adventure with this move with his wife. I will never get over this great loss of my darling brother that would never hurt anyone. He was full of love & giving. The sad thing is I will never get a phone call from him ever again & I will never hear him laugh. He was always there to talk to through good & bad times. It is so so heart breaking it tears your heart out. You rest in peace Mark love & miss you forever but always in our hearts.

Subject: Missing my brother John

It’s now been 238 days since I lost my younger brother John. It’s been very difficult through the holidays and I continue to try to accept what happened. I gave my 4 nieces and nephews a beautiful slate plank with an individualized picture and saying for each of them as a gift. I still struggle with wishing they had explained everything that was and had happened. And wishing that I had asked the right things. I love the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life” and wonder why I wasn’t able to be my brothers Clarence. I find it hard to totally express my feelings to my family as they then start to become concerned about me. But all I trying to do is work through my own grief.

My little brother, Jacob Rogers, was gay. That did not bother my family nor myself. It was always known and excepted since he was little. But we grew up in a small country town and he was picked on for years over this. We were a grade apart so I never heard or noticed these things taking place. He always shook off the jokes and never told me nor the rest of my family about this. Well I graduated high school in May of 2011 and moved in with some friends. When I moved out in May, I did not contact my family but about once a week. Well on December 7th I get a call saying my Brother Jacob is dead. That he shot and killed himself. My heart sank to my a**. It was the first time my entire body felt tingly because of emotion. Not a single day goes by that I don’t think about that day and the weeks following. Six years later nothing has changed. I can still hear his voice saying my name and I can still remember specific conversations. I do not remember the last time I spoke to him let alone our last words together. The last I remember of my little brother was seeing him walk out of a Walmart with a group of friends, I did not approach him nor did he even see me. I did not want to come up and speak to him with his friends around – I wanted to give him his friend time. Not a single day goes by that I don’t regret not running across the parking lot and talking to him. What I wouldn’t give for just a phone call now. F***.

It’s been a month since I last saw you!!! Oh how I miss you, not a day has gone by that I do not think of you. I beg God to let me see you, even if it’s just in my dreams. Mom is still crying day and night; she is devastated and nothing or no one can console her..Dad is trying to move on but he needs help getting past the vision of seeing you laying on your bed after you did that horrible thing! I am taking him with me to a grief group in hopes that we might find some comfort… Serg you left our hearts completely destroyed. We helped you every way possible. We were such a close and loving family. WHY WHY WHY, I guess we will never know. Your boys are ok. They have been sick but promised to come see us tomorrow. They too need lots of love because they are suffering without you around, but I promise to watch over them… I am so sorry you felt so low that your only solution was to leave. I am so sorry we weren’t enough for you to want to stay and I am so sorry that I didn’t tell you how proud I was to be your sister. I AM JUST SORRY for whatever we did wrong. I will always love you and I can’t wait to see you again so I can hug you tight and never let go. Sweet dreams always and hope you are happy like you deserve to be.

Liberosis- the desire to care less, to be liberated from your cares, to let something go
That’s been me for a month now. I keep staring at computer screens watching as people realize that my brother is gone, watching as they share their grief but more importantly their stories. Stories I never heard, smiles I never saw, and laughs I missed and will always miss. I need to soak up every new think about him because that’s it, we’ve had all we will from him. I have a headache and my eyes are sore from staring so hard.
I’m back at work now but I cried at my desk today.
I just want to let some of this go. It’s too much.

I found out today that my brother killed himself. No one knows why. He was 40 coming up and has a new baby. This was completely out of the blue. He lives in Australia and I live in the U.K. I haven’t seen him for eight years. I can’t understand it and I don’t believe it. I love him so much. Why did he do this? Why didn’t he talk to me? Why didn’t I go and visit him? Now it’s too late and I’ll never see him again.