Serg today was an extremely hard day, we transfered your car title, had lunch with your boys and felt your presence with us. I of course, could not hold my tears, I cried the entire day because I smelled you in your car & felt as if you were right next to me telling me how not to change the gears and remembering our drives to CVS at 2am.. You changed my life in so many ways Serg, my heart is so broken, I think of you all day sometimes I laugh, other times I smile but most times I cry because I miss you so much. I know that I will see you again but knowing that I wont on this earth is heartbreaking to me. I just want to tell you that I am so sorry that your life ended this way, I cant imagine how low you must of felt to end your life this way, you didnt think of what an impact this would have on our mom & dad, your boys, neices, cousins and me your sis that adored you and that was there for you no matter what. I miss you saying “I love you sis” and although I have it all over my texts I would give up everything just to hear you say it again.
My love for you was unconditional, this is the only peace I have knowing that you knew how much I love you because not a day went by that I didnt prove my love for you I just wish you would have loved me the same because if you did you wouldnt have left me this way, I believed you when you told me “I promise you sis I wont do this to you” & you left a few months later… Here we are 4 months without you and mom & dad are miserable, mom cries everyday for you, if only you could see how broken she is she’s so devastated nothing can make her smile not even me and you know how close we are, dad is just hanging in there occasionally I will catch him in a daze thinking and notice his eyes sad, Tony of course misses his bro, and me well you know you took a piece of my heart and I cant seem to mend it! All we can do is continue to live feeling emptiness, pain, heartbreak and incomplete because we are missing a big part of our life YOU. Some how I got through my miserable birthday now we have to go through your boys bdays next week, dads in june, YOURS in august, moms in Sept and Tonys in Nov not to mention mothers & fathers day. Oh serg why why why? God help us I beg you. Love you sergio with all my heart.

I was 18th, about to start college, when I heard a violent knock on my door; the police asking for a body found on the bottom floor. I was naively watching the office on my room while my older brother jumped from our 9th floor balcony. It was the most devasting and shocking day of my life. The last contact we had was a discussion. We had a terrible relationship; he was a very violent and toxic person to live with. He was a bipolar ezquizofrenic, recently diagnosed at the time, although he had been manifesting the character for almost his entire life, especially since he became adolescent. Our family life was very toxic first due to our father and later because of him. He made me very anxious, he made me feel unworthy, he had almost no boundaries. I was very mad and afraid of him at the same time.
Tonight, my mother asked me once again, to forgive him, and I just get even madder at him. After he died I experienced ptsd typical symptoms and been struggling with self esteem and self distructive thoguhts, depression and so on. Although I managed to move on with my life on some aspects, there is a thick black cloud following me around, not let me know if I miss him, If what hurts is what he did pr that he is not longer here. Confusion big time.
How do you cope with a lost of an older brother to suicide which relationship was extremely toxic?
I’ve been talking about this in therapy for years but it’s the first time I reach out for help online.

December 17, 2017… the day my brother R.W “Dub committed suicide. He was 38, I am 34. He was my favorite person, my favorite Marine, I looked up to him in so mamy ways and feel like part of me died with him that day. I cry everyday even when I don’t realize that I’m crying tears flow down my cheeks. I pick up my phone and text him because …. I really don’t know why. I’ve tried so bard to put on a brave face for my parents, my Kids and my husband but i juat cry. Im unsure how go throughout my life when he should be here, he was teaching my about facial hair because my son so wanted to grow a magnificent Beard like uncle Dub. He was teaching my 4 year old How to write his name Via video chat…. She doesn’t understand why he didn’t take his phone. We had plans, See he’s gonna be a daddy next month and we were going to go to D.C. before the baby arrived. I feel so many things, I’m hurt mad, I’m heartbroken, I’m glad he’s no longer fighting the inner demons we didn’t know he had. I’m hopeful that he’s found peace but all at the sametime I feel like I’ll never be whole again. I talked with him Just hours before he took his life and had no idea he was feeling this way. I feel guilty for not knowing, for not being there for him, for letting him feel so alone and depressed that he felt this is what was best. I know as a FR Marine he has seen and done so many unimaginable things that the PTSD was far to much. But my heart is broken because I need him. See pur Dad has ALS and is terminal…. He was supposed to be here to stand by my side when our dad passes. I feel alone. He was my bad ass Marine big brother and always knew what to do… How do I pick up the pieces of what’s left of my heart and carry on? It’s been 3 months and I feel like I cry subconsciously… 24-7. Everything reminds me of him ,but why wouldnt it he has always been a major roll in my life. A daily call or text, seen something he’d like…. He was my Dub and now he’s gone.
Reading over some of the post here I see that this pain may never subside. I’m not 100 % sure what I was looking for but write this down may help so why not vent and put it into word where no one pity’s me or judges me. Thank you for any thoughts or prayers youcould send my way!

Miss You

Jacob,
I miss you today. You were light in my life. I wish you knew that. I miss your hugs. I wish you knew how loved your were. You were perfect to me and I love you forever.

It’s not an exaggeration. She died because of me.
I still can’t forgive myself six years later. You died because of me. We were the same person but you knew I couldn’t take care of us both so you made the decision for us. The rest of our siblings blame me. Our parents blame me. I blame me. I miss you so much and I can’t move on. I work to forget this pain, but when I am in my own life all I can do is miss you. I am not depressed or lonely I am alone and I haven’t found anything like the love we had. I can not build any relationships because to others my pain is ugly. I miss you. I’m sorry for driving you away little sister. I’m sorry for not taking care of you.

Subject: I lost my older brother today

My brother passed away today. He killed himself. He was my only sibling. His wife of 30 years left him a month ago. I and others have tried to help him. Then I got the call this morning. He planned it very carefully labeling everything in the house and who should get it. Why didn’t he call me first? You call your brother when you need help. That’s what brothers are for. He was heartbroken and crushed and could no longer take the pain. I feel like I am in a nightmare. The grief I feel is terrible. I have lost a part of me.

Today marks 10 whole years since you’ve been gone. Not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought about you or imagined what we would be doing right now if you were still here with me. Would you be married? Would I be an aunt? Would we be thick as thieves? I was in the room the day you came into this world and I was also there the day you left and my soul aches for all the missed life moments and events that I won’t get with you. I hope you know that you are always remembered and always missed. The light of the world dulled when you left and a part of me went with you… until we meet again.

It has been four months since you took your life. How does it feel like just yesterday? How have I even made it through these past months? I feel so alone, like you abandoned me here on this cruel earth. Most days I don’t register what has happened, but that must be my minds way of keeping me safe. When will I understand that you are actually gone forever? When will I FEEL that you are actually gone?
None of my friends know what to say so they say nothing to me. No one knows what to say. Which in turn makes me feel even more alone.
Your suicide has consumed my mind. I miss you so much… it’s unbearable.
Your sister

As I sit at my desk, working overtime at the law office in NYC, I have been doing my best to put my head down and trudge through life without you Rebecca. Just as you would have wished for me to keep going. However, sometimes I just can’t think straight, my mind becomes paralyzed thinking about you and how empty I feel inside and in life without your living presence. Since you chose to leave my life in early December, ironically enough while I was working, I have been distracting myself with work and use it as a crutch to escape the painful recollection and cold reality that you are no longer here. No one to text, no one to send goofy memes to, and more importantly, no other sibling to brighten mom’s and dad’s life. Most of the time, I close out that part of me to save face in public but when I am sitting at my desk either at work or my apartment, I can’t help but think of your everlasting memory and sometimes just break down at the mere glance of a photo of us and our wonderful family of four. Today has been tougher than many of the more recent months. The reason primarily being that I cannot believe mom’s birthday is in 2 days and dad’s is in 4, and I don’t know what to get them. I know you would say “I don’t either” but I know you would have an idea on what books to get mom or dad and what music/TV show/movie I should get for them. As I sit in the office, trying to keep myself together, all I wish is that you don’t bear the weight of your demons anymore, the stresses, problems, depression and angst, and that you grant mom and dad the greatest gift of all, a sense of peace and happiness in your absence. Love, your big brother

My dear sweet brother. We only lost you a few weeks ago and the reality of the permanency of what you’ve done has only just hit us. It has tore Mum apart and nothing will ever be the same. I have so many questions and am feeling numb but at the same time my mind is racing. Life seems to go on around us but we feel stuck in this never ending cycle of grief. The pain you must have been in breaks my heart, but the pain we are all in without you is utterly unbearable…