This morning I woke up with puffy eyes – the same puffy eyes that I woke up to every night for at least 2 weeks straight after he took his life by hanging. I looked in the bathroom mirror and saw a face still dealing with the pain of loss. It’s hard to imagine that it has been 7 months without Eli. The permanent absence of his laugh, of his smile, of my favorite arm to hold, is hurtful. The pain of the loss of my big brother who was so close to my heart and soul is gut wrenching. I look around see the pictures I have scattered around my apartment, which now collect dust. Sometimes, I can be superficial and remember good memories. Sometimes, I stare at them in anguish. I get this feeling in the back of my throat like I shouldn’t be breathing when he is not around. How could this be my life? How does this even happen? How is he just.. GONE. He’s not even on this Earth anymore, how could that even f’ing be?! Escalating feelings of unfairness and sorrow well up inside. Then I have to let them go.

This roller coaster happens probably every week, but I think of him every day. I hear people say this a lot, and didn’t know what it meant, but it’s so so true. I think about him EVERY DAY!!! When I went hiking in Colorado last week, when I go running, when I make smoothies, when I go to bed, when I eat a sweet potato, when I talk to my incomplete family, when I consider working in psychiatry (but right now I say nope, can’t handle that). I think of my wonderful, loving brother every time. I let myself feel the pain, then I let it go. This is how I survive.

I feel more anxiety now than I ever did before. I don’t feel as confident anymore. I try not to bury feelings, but it happens anyway. I’m just surviving in this world now. Now that I’ve lost a loved one to suicide, no one can relate – not even my own family members grieve the same way that I do. However, through the pain I hold my family closer to my heart than ever before. I actually think I value the average human life more than ever before. There is something sweet to every sour. A soft side to every sword. We live with both. That is humanity. Learning to deal with hardship is a lesson we all learn. Every person has their own hardship, and we have to stand strong together and wipe each other’s tears so that we can all move forward. I hope all of us can someday be an advocate for stopping suicide. We have to speak out and make a change, because nobody should have to experience the pain of loss like this.

I just found out I lost my brother Joe to suicide. I have not been close to my family for a long time. By choice. I have already done a whole lot of grieving. Thank God.
We loved each other. But we weren’t even remotely “close,” at all, either. That is my family.
We really had very, very few bonding moments. When we were little, he introduced me to the Beatles via records at our house, records at his friend’s and his friend’s brother’s records. I just remember a stretch–I was only like six or seven–and I got to tag along and just got immersed in the Beatles. I love him for that. Sounds sort of silly writing that–but it’s not. We also bonded over the Beastie Boys. Paul’s Boutique. Lol. I was freaking out over it when I got it and he ‘got’ it. No one was listening to PB at when it came out. Lol.
Joe was a trip, for sure. To his own drummer. The Lost Child. Very, very smart. But also lost in his head, too.
I remember the night my mom kicked my dad out of the house. I was like five or six. Joe and I listened to them yell at each other–Joe tried to reassure me things would be okay. He was like seven and I know he was as twisted over it as I was–and he had no clue if things were going to turn out okay (they didn’t).
Twenty-plus years ago, I raised our family issues with him, but he wasn’t open to talking about it. I let everyone know I was in recovery, clean and sober and all, and then I detached. I showed what boundaries and detaching looked like, whether family members hated me for it or not, or didn’t get it, or whatever.
We had some brief email connections in the last several years. Nothing major, but he knew I loved him and vise-versa.
I love you, Joe.
I hope you are in a better place, and I absolutely believe everything does work out in the universe in the end.

On Friday, May 25th, 2018, my little baby brother (16 yrs old) took three tabs of LSD 8 hours before jumping nine stories to his death, impaled on a fence. I had gone away to college for the year and had been back for only two days before he ended his life. He was beating depression and saw a future for himself. He was my best friend and wanted to move in with me next year while I was in college. I am in so much pain that he is gone forever. I feel his spirit sometimes but I don’t know if that’s even real. I just wish he had called me. I wish he hadn’t have done the drugs because I know he would not have done this if he had truly been thinking straight. I just don’t know how to cope at all. He was my only sibling. I always took care of him, especially after my parents got divorced and my father became a violent alcoholic. I have just been through so much and can’t deal with this on top of everything. I didn’t have enough time with him. there was so much I wanted to teach him about life and freedom and how much better life gets. I just don’t know what to do or feel. I feel numb. I feel lost. I am broken.

Serg, I can’t believe its been 6 months that you have been gone, we feel as if this is just a bad dream and you will show up somehow in your camoflouge print shorts and white t-shirt with your house flip flops that we constantly made fun of… We played scrabble with dad tonight and we kept remembering you sitting there eating everything in sight & you rooting for your big sis to always win. I miss you so freakin much it hurts to the core my heart aches every day & I constantly think of WHY you went away in this horrible way. WHY serg, our mom is slowly dyeing inside if only you could see her so devastated, our dad strong but hurting so much inside. Our family will never ever be the same.. You forced this heartache upon us WHY, we love you so much & you knew we would do anything for you.. I keep blaming myself because you came to me for help and although I helped you every way I possibly could I fell short it wasnt enough, Fred tries to make me feel better and although I have been the best sister I possibly can be to you and Tony, I fell short You didn’t love me like I love you.. You promised me you wouldnt ever put me through this and you promised our dad you wouldnt do this to mom but yet your gone. We will live the rest of our life with this pain and heartbreak that noone will ever be able to mend or help. I guess this was our destiny and all we can do is try to make sense of something that we do not understand. I will never ever be mad at you for changing our life but I will tell you this was extremely unfair, no loving family deserves to go through this and I pray that God blesses everyone that experiences a loss like this because only the people living with this horrible heartache understands the day to day struggle we endure. Unfortunately there is no going back in time all we can do is look forward to seeing you again in the afterlife in the kingdom of God because I know you are with him, our god is a forgiving and loving god that understands your troubles and will embrace you and take away all your pain. I will never ever say goodbye to you because this was not a goodbye this is a “see you later” & although I can’t hug nor kiss you I hold onto you in my heart and am saving all the physical kisses & hugs till I see you again.. Love you always & forever Serg. Your Sis…

My little brother laid down on the railroad tracks on May 29, 1995. Tonight is May 29, 2018. I will regret to my dying day not telling my boss to shove it if he fired me for calling in sick on May 29,1995. What I am seeing this night on the Internet is that it is our brightest, funniest, and kindest males that we are losing. Maybe we all need to learn to celebrate a man’s feelings, not condemn them for having them. Condemn those who don’t. I know for a fact my little brother was on the outside of a bar crying for a long time before he wandered off presumably to go home and wound up on the railroad tracks. At least those of us who know should take the time to put our arms around and cry with any strange male we see crying. Forget what the world thinks about it, cry with him and you may save a life.

Kate, it’s been a little over a month since we lost you. I have so many questions that I’m starting to realize I’ll never have answers to. I keep wondering if there was anything I could’ve done to stop you from doing this. Mom and Dad are so sad and distraught, so I’m doing my best to be strong for them. I can’t sleep anymore after seeing the suicide selfie you took on your phone, and I don’t think I’ll ever get that image out of my mind. I’ll be saying your eulogy next week, and I just pray that I do you justice. I wonder if you are looking down on us and seeing what this has done. Did you know how much we loved you? I can’t imagine the despair you were in, but why didn’t you talk to me. I miss you and still can’t believe this is real.

Today May 28,4 yrs ago you left us without a goodbye.I keep replaying in my mind the last time I saw you one day prior.You seemed fine,though that wasn’t so.And did you know when you drove away the next day,you’d never come home again.And our lives would be shattered.My brother,your pain has ended,but ours have begun 4 yrs ago and to this day and FOREVER.It’s been 4 yrs now and I’m still in denial,even as I write this I cannot acknowledge that this is what happened.I go to the lake often where you were found and just stare into the water,waiting for an answer.My mind can’t accept,did you walk into the lake or swam and let yourself drown,this I can’t imagine.My regret and guilt is I couldn’t save you from your troubles and for this I am sorry,I hope you can forgive me as I can’t forgive myself.If I knew I wouldn’t ever see you again,I would’ve kissed you,hugged you tight and most importantly told you I loved you.Life is not fair that you aren’t here to share our lives with you.My tears are for my love for you.I LOVE YOU FOR ETERNITY AND MISS YOU BEYOND WORDS CAN SAY.
your sister

Today should have been your graduation day. I went to see my friends graduating and because I felt you would have wanted me to go. I wish I could have seen you graduate. Only four and a half months short of graduation. I miss you dearly my beloved best friend and brother.

It’s been a little over a month since you decided to end it all. April 17 at 11:45pm Japan time. Mum calls me from London and tells me the news that would shatter me. It was late for her to call – in fact I was almost asleep so almost didn’t answer. I’m glad I did cos f*** me mum needed me more than ever after you left this earth.
i booked a flight over the next morning. In less than six hours after the call I was at Haneda airport waiting for the flight. Strange how logical I was after receiving the call. First thing I did was pack my black suit even though I’d never been to a funeral before. How ironic that my first ever funeral would be my brothers and that I would have to f***ing organise it.
Day one in London and I’m having to pick out a coffin even though I’m not taking any of this s*** in. I’m contacting your friends by phone at first. Some of them cry and there I am consoling them at the other end of he phone. Inside I’m thinking it should be the other way around but I am so numb I just do what I do. Get on with the s***.
This whole month or so has been a blur. How does life continue so normally as if nothing happened? How am I still functioning? I go to work and put on a brave face. There is me at work and me at home – inside I’m worn down, wondering if this will ever hit me, am I coping okay? Is this hitting me now? How am I supposed to feel when part of me still thinks you are in the next room chilling like you always were. You were only 30- whole life ahead of you. Things hit me, like I’m 34 but you’ll never reach that age. How I was depressed and almost ended it almost a decade ago but now am so glad I didn’t. I wanted you to know that feeling. I wanted you to finally get out of the depression. You were doing so well in the past year, and when the depression hit again in February I was confident more than ever that you could come out of it in no time since this time there was no other factor involved in terms of drugs. Only pressure of life. You dealt with both before. This time it was only the pressure. I thought it would only be a little bout of depression. Boy was I wrong.
I miss you so much. We were so f***ing close man. Who am I gonna share all those jokes with now? All the brother only jokes, the funny faces, the funny sounds. You took that all with you and part of me died with you too. I’ll never get over this and everything seems to be just okay now at best. Nothing is good or great or amazing. Cos at the back of my mind you are there. You must have felt so alone when you did what you did. You left me a note and apologised for not being able to meet your future niece or nephew and that everything would be okay cos I am loved cos I have a wife. F*** me you are right. I will be okay. But never good or amazing anymore. Now that you’re gone.
But I know it wasn’t really you. I know that the depression took you. Like any disease like cancer. It overwhelmed you, took over you, and killed you. F***. I miss you so badly and there is nothing I can do about it. I’m hurting all the time especially the evenings after work like now. I wish I had been there physically with you instead of calling every day from abroad. I regret living away from you. I regret sorting out the extra meds to help you sleep. Just regrets fill my mind. Most of all I miss you.

On January 27th, 2018, my big brother committed suicide. We were out as a family and we had gotten into a small argument that normal siblings have. Only, I think it may have hit him differently. The car ride home was silent. When we got home, my brother ran upstairs and slammed his door… or so we thought that’s what happened. 30 seconds later we discovered it was not a door being slammed, it was a gunshot. My best friend had just taken himself from me. The time between January 27th and now just seems to be a huge blur. I still feel as if his death is my fault. I’m still not sure how to go on without him. He was my biggest supporter and he always encouraged me to do my best. I’m honestly not sure why I’m even writing this, I’m just hoping that writing about it makes me feel a little better. If you are reading this, don’t ever let someone walk away from an argument without a solution to the problem. I wish more than anything that I would have ended the fight and told him I loved him because that was my last chance and I had no idea.