It’s been 3 and half year since my younger brother took his own life when he was at the age of 17. I was only 23. The pain was unbearable. He hung himself in his room and the first one to know about this was my mother. I would never forget how my mom came downstairs crying and talking insane. The pain was totally unbearable to my family and now I was the only child remaining. I never worried about mom and dad as my younger brother was very smart with studies and more mature comparing to me but now we don’t have him anymore. For the first 3 months I was very angry, like how could you do this? Why would you leave me alone? Why didn’t you think about mom and dad? Why would you take your life? I needed the answers but as time passed by, now I am more – all this happened because of me. Somehow I feel I am to be blamed. I should have been there for him as a elder sister. I should have helped him when he was having his hard time. I should have showed how much he meant to me. People say time will heal everything but my heart will never heal it never will never. The heartache will never end, instead it will be much bigger by each passing day. I cry every night remembering you thinking about how it would be if only you were with us. I wish if we could have time machine so I could go back to the time and tell you how much you mean to me my little one. My only wish is I want you back . My grandfather died after 2 yrs of my brother’s death and somehow I think grandad passed away quickly because of his grandson’s death. And my burden gets added. Now I cry every night but I don’t let anyone know especially mom cause I can’t add her burden anymore. I am strong in front of everyone but no one knows I cry every night, wishing only if you were here with us. Only if. Now I know I would never heal and time never heals; instead it adds more burden, as the day you passed away is still fresh in my mind as it was yesterday. Only if I could tell you how much you meant to me my little one. I never open up with people as most of them are my new friends from new university so they don’t know about my brother. The main thing why I don’t share is because they didn’t know my brother and I don’t want my brother to be remembered as just a guy who hung himself. They will never understand how much he meant to me so I just don’t like sharing. I just sit alone by myself and remember all those good days with my brother and cry. Only if You could come back my little one only if. You have left a big hole in my heart which will never heal. How I cry every day thinking I am all alone as I can’t share my feelings to mom and dad because I don’t want to add their pain anymore. I can’t offer them anymore pain apart from happiness which we rarely have since you left. I miss you so much brother and I love you to death. You were the best brother and I will always love you no matter what.
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