These words have come up time and time again since my brother’s death in October. I was petrified when my dad called me that night. Sometimes, I think my brother was also petrified to do it, sometimes I’m not so sure. His death is so punishing and painful everyone he left behind. My parents and my two brothers and I miss him so, so much. His death is so permanent. SO PERMANENT. I hate this word for what it represents. He is permanently gone, voided, his future wiped away forever. Every picture is a permanent reminder of how my heart aches for him. I wish I had spent more time with him, to show him that his death was preventable. He didn’t need to do it. He was so wonderful and so loved. There are other ways to solve problems, to stop the chronic pain. Finally, he is at peace, which, I am having a hard time accepting. It has been 104 days, and the pain is as heavy as it was on that one horrible day.