Happy (belated) Birthday!

Happy belated birthday! Not sure why I couldn’t bear to write this yesterday. H already didn’t even know it was your birthday, poor kid. She’s going to forget you, you know? I wish I could forget you too. I just turned 18, and you missed it!! And O just turned 21, and I know what you would have said to her lol. H made her a card, and it looked just like the one she made you for your 21st birthday. It has been 90 of the worst days of my life since I last saw you. Unless I am asleep, I don’t go an hour without thinking about you. I haven’t cried in so long. I’m just shocked and terrified every day that I have to go through the rest of my life without you. How are any of us going to possibly do that?! I can’t smell you when I go to the basement anymore, and everything down there is just as you left it, except for your clothes. Mom’s friends washed all of them and wanted to donate them but we told them to wait. They are on your bed in a pile, your backpack is in the corner, your laptop is where it usually is. Mom still hasn’t gone down to the basement, and we are moving soon anyway. Not sure to where, but the house is being renovated. Just wanted to let you know that we all miss you so f*** much! And I am so glad that you aren’t hurting anymore, and you are probably having a fantastic time up there when I’m trying not to fail Calculus. Don’t know why i’m still in the class to be honest. Guess it’s only because that was the last piece of advice you ever gave me. I hate math, and even math reminds me of you! I wish you could help me, O doesn’t know much math to be honest. We are all in a lot of pain. Dad keeps on getting mad and taking it out on us, Mom’s health is deteriorating, O is being stoic as always, but I hope she will be okay. A keeps on taking out her anger on classmates and teachers, and H won’t even say your name! It is as if your name has become a swear word or something. Anyway, I got a job! Which I know you would be proud of me for. Haven’t told anyone there about what happened to you. Guess i’m going to continue to try to trick myself. Lots of love, and Happy 22nd Birthday! I miss you more than you could have ever imagined, and I pray every day for this to be a dream. Unfortunately, that does not seem to be the case, but I have to keep on living, right? You would have wanted that. We have to be okay.

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