One thing I’ve learned from loss is that you don’t just lose your loved one. You lose the life you once had as well. I can’t unsee my poor lifeless big brother hanging from the patio, my dad’s distorted face when reality set in that he was gone. I can’t unhear my mom screaming or the AED machines as paramedics tried their hardest to bring him back. The flashbacks don’t happen as often anymore but they still hit me pretty often almost 2 years later. He didn’t know he was taking all of our lives. My dad has never been, nor will ever be the same. Our relationship has been strained due to issues with my brother’s ex girlfriend. My parents’ marriage is suffering and I’m caught in the middle of it. Bye left me to deal with the aftermath all alone. He was supposed to protect me. Our house is not the happy home it used to be. I miss my brother, I miss my parents, I miss my old life. I do my best most days to keep putting one foot in front of the other and I contribute to create as much positivity as possible but no matter what my future holds, I will always miss the way things used to be. My heart will never stop aching for it.