Subject: To my younger only sibling..
If you only knew the anger, depression and sadness I felt. If you only knew the insomnia I’m riddled with now after you took your own life. If you only knew how many outbursts I’ve had and days I’ve missed from work would you have thought twice about your decision. Did you think about our childhood and what we did together.. Did you remember any of the great times we had. The laughter, the tears. Did you think about any of that before you decided to take your own life. Did you think about the sunsets you would miss, the beauty of a thunderstorm, the sound of rain hitting the roof. Did you think of the big life events that you would miss.. like your own wedding, my wedding, the birth of our children. Why did you forget about the beauty in life rather than endlessly searching for negativity, tragedy and sadness. Everyone goes through hardships in life. Everyone. Why did you think you were so special in the way you felt about life? You never tried hard enough to better yourself or your life. You let depression run your life and you created tragedies in your life on purpose. It’s like you wanted to hurt as much as I did but you had it easier so you made your life much harder to counter-act that or “show me up” in hardships. I never understood that about you. Did you think you would be your own demise all along? Why would you put our family through this? I don’t sleep at night and I need therapy now.. counselling. I’m freaking out randomly on poor Travis. He doesn’t deserve that! But I can’t deal with these emotions this time through. I thought my hard life was over and now it’s the worst it’s ever been. What went through your head when you hung yourself! Why did you do that! Around the corner from Mom’s house!? Why!!! It was horrible to find that out that day after you had been missing for 4 days. My vacation from work turned into a horrible, crazy search for you and then a tragic, terrible ending finding out you had died. I cried so hard I fell on the ground and couldn’t get up. Why would you do this? Now I’m alone. When Mom and Dad pass, I’m utterly and totally alone. The oldest sibling left alone by herself. I felt lonely for a long time but now I feel a different type of loneliness. A very painful, emotional loneliness where I am completely unmotivated a lot of the time.. when I was always so optimistic and looking on the bright side of every negative situation. Now I don’t really see much of a bright side anymore.. I see dimness and desperation. You forgot how you got here and what we did together as kids, teens and then adults. You forgot it all and thought about only yourself. You ended your life at 23 so abruptly not even realizing that you could have changed your fate. You could have changed your ways. You could have changed your life!! You took my life with yours you know. Now I suffer and if I suffer too much, I push it away so I can work.. so I can nurture my relationship with Travis and my friends but then it blows up in my face every time ten-fold. I love you Laura but you have stolen a massive piece of me and took it with you. If you only knew.