Subject: I can’t deal with this.
Scream. I want to scream my lungs out. I want to break everything and cry my heart out. I am feeling things which I cannot even put into words but what tops my list is WHY ME? Out of the billion million people in this world why did this happen to me?
It has been almost a month since I lost my brother, a term which I hate using anymore.
It feels like I have so many things to say but don’t know how to convert my thoughts into words. How to utter these words which will reassure that this is the reality. How to I accept something which I cannot believe is true.
I have questions and I have a handful of them. I am angry not only on him but everyone around me. I have guilt, lots of it. Why are people trying to be normal around me? Why are people laughing and doing what they are supposed to do? What is this? Do we just go on like this? Can we do nothing at all?????
I feel distant from each and everyone. People closest to me have their happy life and they are just sorry and sad for me. They just come, try to make me laugh and go. They leave me with these feelings all inside. Right now, at this very moment I am so annoyed how each and every person out there is doing some routine work in their life with no idea about what I am feeling. They are sorry that they cannot be present, that they have some other priority at this moment when I need them. I don’t understand how do I understand this? How do I understand that they are not here when I need them the most. I need them here all the time but I find myself all alone, all day long.