Subject: Missing You So Much Lil Brother

It has been 3 months since I lost my baby brother ,21 years old to suicide by hanging. I will never forget getting that phone call from my mom on September 1st to tell me that he was gone. I just screamed what seemed like the longest scream ever and crumpled to the floor. Her words your brother committed suicide last night run over in my head over and over. I am still in shock. We were close,especially towards the end and we had had several conversations about his depression but I never would have thought that this would happen. I just wish I could bring him back and somehow take away his pain and whatever demons he was fighting in his head and save him. I miss him so much and this pain I feel inside is unlike anything I have ever felt before. The pain is searing and can hardly even be described to someone who has not felt it before. I don’t want to feel this way towards him but I also can’t help to feel some anger towards him that he chose to leave us like he did,couldn’t he see how much he was loved and how losing him would permanently turn our lives upside down? I just feel so many conflicting emotions. I wish every night to wake up in the morning and for this all to be a bad,horrible nightmare

My brother left us on 11/29/17, he was 45, was living with MS and must have felt it was too hard to handle. He was like my son, he looked up to me, although I have no regret because I made sure he knew how much I loved him, I am completely heartbroken beyond repair. I see him everywhere. He left behind twin boys (18 yrs) the only consolation is that we have his boys and will take care of them. They are devastated. The morning he took his life he argued with our mom and a while later he killed himself. He left our mother with a lot of guilt and I know it was not her fault. She’s been an amazing mother and did not deserve this. She is suffering beyond belief. I can only hope that with our faith we can get past this and start repairing our hearts! Our life will never be the same. I am holding on to hope that there will be happiness someday again for our loving family.

I miss my baby sister. She took her own life 11/28/17. She was 29 years old. She has a little boy. He was the light of her life. She had everything going for her. She just bought a house, getting married in spring, a raise from her work, everything seemed great. She started to drink a lot. Even put herself on anxiety medications. Why? I cannot grasp this. Why didn’t she call Me? I’m so brokenhearted… She had me and my two other sisters and our mom for support. Why????

You decided to take the last person in my life I had. You were my baby. You were only 14 Matthew. You’ve been gone for almost 6 months but can still barely bare waking up every morning without you baby boy. I’m only 17. You knew I needed and loved you. I was all you had, you’re all I had. Why did you have to do it ? I don’t understand. I never will. Why did you shoot yourself? You promised that day you’d never do this to me. And you broke the promise the same day??? In my room??? I don’tget it I never will . We went through he’ll together. And I’m so sorry I didn’t get you help and that people judged you for your autism but you were never different to me. you were my price and joy. I shared a too. with you for 15 years. I thought you lovd Me. But you didn’t even care enough to tell me why. You didn’t care enough to ducking stay. You left Me a stray and I won’t ever understand why you have broken my heard forever. I’m so sorry. I love you. Why didn’t you love Me? I’ll never understand

My only brother took his life on November 9th 2017. It has been the worst, most frustrating, painful 12 days of my life. He was only 26 and words do not describe how loved, honored, amazing he was. What I would give to see his face again. To see him walk through the door. My body has taken its toll. How will I ever come back from this? How will I ever continue my life? You just need to come back. Please.

Steve,

why why why why why why why why
how how how how how how how how
why did u leave
how could u leave
i miss you like crazy and every moment gets worse
i go through hundreds of repeated realisation moments in one day
my brother is gone
my brother will never wake up and walk to the kitchen and
my brother
my brother
my dearest brother
the only one in this world
that was mine, my brother
my only brother
my favourite boy in the world
the brother who would enter a room and just have his spirit bring such a comforting calm to the entire space
my brother who endured so much suffering
my brother who had so many attempts prior
my brother who’s laugh was the best sound in the world, especially if i was the one to bring it out
i want nothing more than for him to come back
or
please
wake me up tomorrow and tell me
it was not true
it was never true
please
i will even accept his return as a ghost
anything
please
just give me my brother back
please
whoever runs this universe
i need my brother back
i need my brother back
i need my brother back…..

Love and Miss You

Dear Baby Brother,
Just checking in again. Its been now just 2 months since you shot yourself. I try not to think of the phone call I got at work where Dad told me you were dead. Literally the worse day of my life. Mom finally got up enough strength to bury you last Tuesday. It was a nice small gathering of your best friends and family. Now I hope you are at peace next to Grandpa and Granny. Surprisingly, it wasnt all that sad. More of a celebration of your life and great memories. Im glad we had the time to start our healing process between the cremation and burial. Thanksgiving will be weird without you and Im not looking forward to Christmas. Hopefully we can start new traditions and begin a “new norm” without you. My birthday pretty much sucked as all I wanted was you to be there. Guess we will just have to get used to that…huh? I hate telling people the diagnosis of cancer sent you over the top as everyone knows that it was something, with a little assistance from the oncologist, could have been cured. Im not angry and never was at your but I am VERY DISAPPOINTED in your decision about all of this and the fact you never even had enough respect for mom/dad, me, or AB. Not even a phone call. Oh wait, I know why……you knew it was a bad decision and you just didnt want anyone to talk you out of it. HMPH…..BS im my opinion. Just sayn. Now im left to deal with your estate and go through all of your stuff. You made me an only child. It was suppose to be me and you. You left DW without a godparent. So now your one and only job is to keep him safe! All I am able to do is take it one day at a time. I continuously have to push the self destructive thoughts that creep into my head, out. Im now going to have to try and drag mom, with me, to a grief counselor. I write my thoughts in a journal. I will burn it when I feel I can move on without crying constantly. Sigh…..do you know you broke my heart and took a piece of my soul with you that day?? I love and miss you so much. This never should have happened.

My beautiful sister. My soulmate. My best friend. You decided to leave me two days ago. You decided to leave all your pain and suffering with me. I know you’ve been wanting this. But what more could I have done? Please, tell me. I’m begging you. A sign, a dream, a feeling. Any feeling but pain and heartache. I texted and called you every single day telling you how much I loved you. I knew I should have bought that plane ticket to see you a week before you left me and mom forever. I blame myself. I’m angry at you, too. You’re so stubborn and impulsive… that car accident? Why didn’t you tell us? I would have given you all my savings to help you get back up on your feet. Hana, a piece of me is gone. I cannot breathe, I can barely exist. I don’t want to feel this pain anymore. Moms soul isn’t even here. She isn’t eating or sleeping. She is starting to leave me too. It’s only been day 2 since you’ve left us and the hardest part hasn’t even happened. I’m on the plane to see you right now. I hate the word ‘remains’….. as if all that remaining of you is your soulless body. I don’t know if I want to see you face to face. I don’t want to lose those happy memories with you. I love you so much…. I can’t be strong much longer. I’m waiting to hear from you. I love you. If this is your final destination to happiness, I will find peace some day. But for now, I want to disappear forever. From society, from my thoughts and feelings, from existence. I am nothing without you. Remember what you wrote “no matter what happens, it’s just you and I”. You left me. Your baby 23 year old sister.

You took your life sometime last night, on November 11, 2017. you don’t even know how many hearts you ripped out today. i’m glad you didn’t see dad when he found you. he couldn’t stop screaming and crying. your youngest sister won’t even remember you, but i will make sure to tell her until the day i die that you loved her so much, that she looks just like you, and that you even named her. how much were you hurting? why didn’t you tell any of us? we all love you. my life will never be the same. i will cry for you every day. i love you so much.

To be honest I don’t really know why I’m here. She’s not my sister. I didn’t even know her family when it happened. But even 11 years later going with my boyfriend and his sister to their sister gravesite hurt. Not because of the pain I was feeling but because of the fact that the pain never stopped for them. I love when they tell stories about her because I get to heard about how funny and exciting she was.
I know how much they hurt because after they’re done laughing about that funny memory from their childhood with their big sister, that moment where the laughter is dying down and someone is about to say something else. The expression on their face. Like for a moment they didn’t think about her pain or suffering and then the reality set right back in. I know there is literally nothing I can ever say to them. But my heart hurts for not only my boyfriend but for his sister who at 20 years old felt there was no other option. My heart goes out to anyone who has felt this pain no matter how much time has passed.