Missing You So Much Lil Brother (SiblingsSurvivors Guest Post)

Subject: Missing You So Much Lil Brother

It has been 3 months since I lost my baby brother ,21 years old to suicide by hanging. I will never forget getting that phone call from my mom on September 1st to tell me that he was gone. I just screamed what seemed like the longest scream ever and crumpled to the floor. Her words your brother committed suicide last night run over in my head over and over. I am still in shock. We were close,especially towards the end and we had had several conversations about his depression but I never would have thought that this would happen. I just wish I could bring him back and somehow take away his pain and whatever demons he was fighting in his head and save him. I miss him so much and this pain I feel inside is unlike anything I have ever felt before. The pain is searing and can hardly even be described to someone who has not felt it before. I don’t want to feel this way towards him but I also can’t help to feel some anger towards him that he chose to leave us like he did,couldn’t he see how much he was loved and how losing him would permanently turn our lives upside down? I just feel so many conflicting emotions. I wish every night to wake up in the morning and for this all to be a bad,horrible nightmare

3 thoughts on “Missing You So Much Lil Brother (SiblingsSurvivors Guest Post)

  1. I lost my brother in the same way 3 weeks ago. I know how you feel the pain is unimaginable , everything you have said is exactly how i feel. Its so hard to imagine ever being able to move faward or be happy again. I hope your able to find some hope again.


  2. Hi, i lost my brother at the age of 17 (going to 18 in 6 months) last year to hanging. My mother was the one who broke the news to me on a friday afternoon after I took a nap. I remember screaming too as what you have said, screaming out my lungs and my whole energy hoping the screaming would wake me up from this nightmare or turn back time. My whole body was shaking and my hands too because i had to plan how to arrange for school and the 12 hour flight back. The few months before i did not even get to talk to him which i realised later on that he requested I knew nothing about his deterioating condition because he wanted me to focus on my studies overseas. We were xbox game buddies and were always cracking sarcastic jokes to each other and about the middle sibling. Now i have lost him, his voice, his cuteness, his company, his humour…i feel your lost and i want to say, time is the only cure. Even now i am so ridden with guilt of not being able to save him and EVERY DAY is a struggle to continue with life. The worse is when the memories start flooding and you get that wave of reality in your face saying “he does not exist anymore, he is gonr forever”. Stay strong and fight the demons as I am too, makes it 1% better to know you are not alone in this battle.

    1. Thank you so much for the support and for sharing your story with me. You described so much of how I am feeling and those are things that only those of us who have been through this awful kind of tragedy can truly understand. It does help me feel less alone and I truly appreciate that

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