Missing my older brother (SiblingsSurvivors Guest Post)

Subject: Missing my older brother

My brother hung himself on November 16, 2017. I’ll never forget the sound of my sister-in-law’s scream as she called me and saw his body at the same time. I’ve never fallen to my knees before. I thought that only happened in the movies. We weren’t going to tell the kids what really happened but then decided that to lie was only perpetuating the shame and stigma of mental health. So that’s my rationale thought. The rest of me is a total mess.
I don’t want to socialize. I don’t want to talk to friends. I just want to be left alone. I’m so tired but I can’t sleep. We were so close. No matter his issues, he would have always had a seat at my dining room table and he would have always had a home. My son is a lot like him. Witty and clever. And full of anxiety. At eight he was attending group counselling-type sessions to help manage his emotions.
Why didn’t he just call me? Nothing is insurmountable. I wouldn’t have judged. I could have helped him problem solve. Or just listened. My sadness is profound and the loss is deep. And why the eff do people think I should be fully functioning again?!?! He was my only brother! I miss him.

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9 Responses to Missing my older brother (SiblingsSurvivors Guest Post)

  1. Michelee says:

    I am so sorry, my little brother hung himself on the 18 of October this year. My eight year old found him 🙁 I understand what you mean as I was running to get the knife to cut him down I could barely keep my legs steady. The image haunts me, remembering trying to resuscitate him keeps me awake at night. I’ve never had no will to live before that night, now I don’t know how to

  2. Katarina says:

    My brother committed suicide 11/9/17. I feel the same way. I don’t want to talk to my friends. I’m so tired but my mind won’t shut off. It just replays what I could have done to save my only brother. People don’t understand why I haven’t moved on. My best friend hasn’t talked to me in week since my brothers funeral which has been a month now. No one around me understands.

    • ALSO says:

      My sister too. A little over two weeks ago. People already don’t understand why I dont “Feel a bit better” and why I haven’t started getting back to my life. I don’t get it. We were 10 months apart. She was everything to me. She was only 27 years old. People will never understand the debilitating pain. It truly is crippling and I’m already being asked why I’m not doing this or that etc. and that I need to live my life. Give me a break!!! Seriously!?! It hasn’t even been three weeks! I can barely function and then I’m being made to feel that this isn’t normal. How is it not normal?? I am trying my best to put on a smile at times but it hurts so much. Especially with the holidays right after. It’s like I’m constantly being told there is a timeline and that I should be at a certain place already right now. It makes it so much harder than it already is and I feel like I can’t talk to anyone anymore because no one wants to talk about her. She was my heart and I don’t understand how the world keeps moving forward without her. I understand even less why people feel it’s appropriate to tell me how to feel at any given time.

    • ALSO says:

      I’m sorry you’re going through this too. I understand.
      ;(

  3. N says:

    Lost my sister on 11/31/08. I was 10. You will never forget them but the pain get easier with time. Trust me. You really should talk to your friends because it will make things a lot easier.

  4. Leah Webb says:

    Also-First of all I’m going to say that everything you are experiencing is completely normal, don’t listen to others negative thoughts. I am truly sorry for your loss :’( I lost my baby Brother on June 15, 2017 due to a self inflicted gunshot…I hardly have any family as a support team so I rely a lot on my husband. The problem with that, he doesn’t “get it”. He will never “get it” because he won’t do the research on suicide and what suicide survivors go through. He’s the one who has been in my ear with the “it’s time to be moving on, getting over it, resuming our old normal life”. Sorry for him but, our old life is over. We are forever changed. Do know sweetheart that there is no time table for grief and each person grieves at their own pace. Try not to dwell on the what if’s because that will eat you alive. Focus on your good times, the memories you shared, think of the sound of their voice often so you don’t forget it, and most importantly, focus on you. Staying out of your own head will be the hardest struggle the first few months. Journaling helped me through this stage. I wrote about everything. If I was mad at my brother, I vented it! If I was sad, there are tear stained pages in my journal for that day, if I wanted to tell him something, I wrote him a letter. Journaling let me get my feelings out and allowed my grief to naturally flow in even waves. Don’t bottle your emotions and don’t allow yourself to become numb. Both of these will keep you up and down constantly. You’ll have a numb day or two, or week, and then bam! All those suppressed emotions/feelings flood in and you’ll have a really rough few days after that. If you do experience a rough couple of days, don’t beat yourself up. Know that you are awesome, strong, badazz, a warrior and survivor, you will make it through this, have faith. I wish you all the best; prayers from my family to yours.

  5. Alejandro says:

    Hi, My older brother hung himself 2 days ago. This is barely the second night without him. I live far (about 13 hours) from him and since I own a band, I couldn’t cancel this weekend’s performances. 6 people weren’t going to get food on their tables if I missed. His funeral was yesterday and all I’m left with is a huge hole in my soul. I never realized how much I loved him. Actually, I know I did, it’s just that I was always stressed and caught up with trying to have a better future. We used to chat from time to time and he always seem to be ok. I knew he had some problems, but who doesn’t. I have problems as well. I found out about his death before my mom. My other brother called me to let me know and tell mom. I was crushed and telling my mother was as traumatic as it gets. I gave her no details of his passing and she left immediately to Mexico. Now she knows what happened and she is still “numb”. I feel terrible, and honestly I fear it’s going to just get worse. I feel guilty, crushed, empty and depressed all together. I still can’t understand why would he do that. He left 3 boys and a Wife. He left me heart broken.

  6. Jesse says:

    I lost my sister 11/15/13. She was 15 and I was 17. I’ll never understand why. I miss her so much. That day she acted happy. we laughed and listened to her favorite music on the car ride to school. She hung herself in the school bathroom, right down the hall from me. I wish I could have saved her. I feel like I was supposed to protect her but failed. it’s been four years but some days it feels like it happened yesterday.

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