Subject: Missing my older brother
My brother hung himself on November 16, 2017. I’ll never forget the sound of my sister-in-law’s scream as she called me and saw his body at the same time. I’ve never fallen to my knees before. I thought that only happened in the movies. We weren’t going to tell the kids what really happened but then decided that to lie was only perpetuating the shame and stigma of mental health. So that’s my rationale thought. The rest of me is a total mess.
I don’t want to socialize. I don’t want to talk to friends. I just want to be left alone. I’m so tired but I can’t sleep. We were so close. No matter his issues, he would have always had a seat at my dining room table and he would have always had a home. My son is a lot like him. Witty and clever. And full of anxiety. At eight he was attending group counselling-type sessions to help manage his emotions.
Why didn’t he just call me? Nothing is insurmountable. I wouldn’t have judged. I could have helped him problem solve. Or just listened. My sadness is profound and the loss is deep. And why the eff do people think I should be fully functioning again?!?! He was my only brother! I miss him.