My little brother, Jacob Rogers, was gay. That did not bother my family nor myself. It was always known and excepted since he was little. But we grew up in a small country town and he was picked on for years over this. We were a grade apart so I never heard or noticed these things taking place. He always shook off the jokes and never told me nor the rest of my family about this. Well I graduated high school in May of 2011 and moved in with some friends. When I moved out in May, I did not contact my family but about once a week. Well on December 7th I get a call saying my Brother Jacob is dead. That he shot and killed himself. My heart sank to my a**. It was the first time my entire body felt tingly because of emotion. Not a single day goes by that I don’t think about that day and the weeks following. Six years later nothing has changed. I can still hear his voice saying my name and I can still remember specific conversations. I do not remember the last time I spoke to him let alone our last words together. The last I remember of my little brother was seeing him walk out of a Walmart with a group of friends, I did not approach him nor did he even see me. I did not want to come up and speak to him with his friends around – I wanted to give him his friend time. Not a single day goes by that I don’t regret not running across the parking lot and talking to him. What I wouldn’t give for just a phone call now. F***.

It’s been a month since I last saw you!!! Oh how I miss you, not a day has gone by that I do not think of you. I beg God to let me see you, even if it’s just in my dreams. Mom is still crying day and night; she is devastated and nothing or no one can console her..Dad is trying to move on but he needs help getting past the vision of seeing you laying on your bed after you did that horrible thing! I am taking him with me to a grief group in hopes that we might find some comfort… Serg you left our hearts completely destroyed. We helped you every way possible. We were such a close and loving family. WHY WHY WHY, I guess we will never know. Your boys are ok. They have been sick but promised to come see us tomorrow. They too need lots of love because they are suffering without you around, but I promise to watch over them… I am so sorry you felt so low that your only solution was to leave. I am so sorry we weren’t enough for you to want to stay and I am so sorry that I didn’t tell you how proud I was to be your sister. I AM JUST SORRY for whatever we did wrong. I will always love you and I can’t wait to see you again so I can hug you tight and never let go. Sweet dreams always and hope you are happy like you deserve to be.

Liberosis- the desire to care less, to be liberated from your cares, to let something go
That’s been me for a month now. I keep staring at computer screens watching as people realize that my brother is gone, watching as they share their grief but more importantly their stories. Stories I never heard, smiles I never saw, and laughs I missed and will always miss. I need to soak up every new think about him because that’s it, we’ve had all we will from him. I have a headache and my eyes are sore from staring so hard.
I’m back at work now but I cried at my desk today.
I just want to let some of this go. It’s too much.

I found out today that my brother killed himself. No one knows why. He was 40 coming up and has a new baby. This was completely out of the blue. He lives in Australia and I live in the U.K. I haven’t seen him for eight years. I can’t understand it and I don’t believe it. I love him so much. Why did he do this? Why didn’t he talk to me? Why didn’t I go and visit him? Now it’s too late and I’ll never see him again.

My brother committed suicide a few days before Christmas. He was found in a motel room; police say he suffocated himself. I’m shaken by my loss. I can’t help but think it could have been prevented if we just hung out more, talked more, told him I love him more. Everything seemed to be going well for him, promotion, better hours, sweet new Dodge Challenger. Seeing my mom and the rest of my family so upset is breaking my heart. I don’t know how to deal with this. I wish he knew how much we all love him. I miss him so much, it hurts. I can’t accept the fact that I’ll never see him again. I just miss him.

My brother hung himself a few days ago. I was the one to find him. I still can’t believe it. I knew he was struggling with depression, but whenever I tried talking to him he would get mad. I tried telling my parents but that made him even more upset. Wherever he is, I want him to be calm and not feel the way he did these past few years. I wish this never happened and feel so sorry for him, because he had so much to offer. What I am mad about is the fact that he always had this ability to make random things he was passionate about happen… so it doesn’t make any sense whatsoever that he couldn’t pull through and win this war. He left us all heartbroken. There’s nobody that I could talk to because nobody can understand this. I never thought this would happen and I pray for my family’s health and well being. But I seriously have no idea nor clue how we’re going to get through this. I love my brother dearly and was always scared for his fragile soul. Hopefully he’s safe and happy now.

Last friday, I woke up and checked my phone as usual. I had messages and missed calls of one my brothers that live in Guanajuato, Mexico. They texted to call them urgently and I did. My oldest brother told me with his voice breaking that my older brother had died. In shock I asked him what happened and he said that he hung himself. I didn’t cry at that moment and he had asked me if I was alone before telling me. My mother arrived just as I was speaking to him and I didn’t say anything. When Dad arrived, he already knew and I had to tell mom. It was as traumatic as it gets. I reserved my comments on what happened and pretended to not know any details of his passing. She immediately left to Mexico and I had to stay due to work. I own a Band and I did not cancel the performances this weekend because 5 more people would have no food on their tables if I missed. There is a saying among musicians that says “the show has to continue” and it sure did. I had never really lost someone that hurt so much as my brother. I am in Laredo, TX right now where nobody from my family is. I’m in a hotel and I’m heartbroken, sleepless and guilty. I don’t understand why my brother had to go like that. I feel like I left him down. I feel a hole in my chest. After tonight’s show, I felt reality punching my heart. It hit me harder than my brother’s call. I started recalling our last conversations and I feel like he was probably asking for help and I did not understood what he was trying to say. I just hate myself right now. I loved him. I still love him. And memories are just there haunting me. I wonder if this is normal, because I feel like it’s just getting worse. I hope he forgives me. His decision has left so many questions and pain. I’m sad as never before.

I lost my sister on 11/31/08. She was 16 and I was 10. I will never forget the sound of my mother screaming when she found her. I had no clue that my sister was struggling with depression.(I assume my parents hid it from me) At first, being so young, I didn’t fully understand how much my life would change after this. Nothing has or will ever be the same. If I could offer any advice it would be to live life to fullest as they would want. Go to grief concelling as it really does help. Let go and let god.

I wish you stayed

My little brother hung himself on the 18th of October 2017, 6 days after my birthday, he was only 19 and was too young to give up on life. I don’t know how to move on from this, I can’t get through a day without pharmaceutical assistance, I can’t sleep and my relationships are falling apart all around me.
I don’t know how to stay strong for my son because he my brother was his favourite person in the world and now he’s gone.
The night he hung himself we had a fight, like we have had so many times before and even though he started it I’ll never be able to say sorry and that I love him and I miss him and I’d do anything to bring him back.
A lot My father’s family has disowned me, my father passed away when I was 13 and because I am adopted the only person who kept my family together is gone and Ive never felt more worthless in my life.
And the worst is that I can’t go because my son needs me.
I wish you stayed with me little brother, I have no one to save me anymore.

Subject: Missing my older brother

My brother hung himself on November 16, 2017. I’ll never forget the sound of my sister-in-law’s scream as she called me and saw his body at the same time. I’ve never fallen to my knees before. I thought that only happened in the movies. We weren’t going to tell the kids what really happened but then decided that to lie was only perpetuating the shame and stigma of mental health. So that’s my rationale thought. The rest of me is a total mess.
I don’t want to socialize. I don’t want to talk to friends. I just want to be left alone. I’m so tired but I can’t sleep. We were so close. No matter his issues, he would have always had a seat at my dining room table and he would have always had a home. My son is a lot like him. Witty and clever. And full of anxiety. At eight he was attending group counselling-type sessions to help manage his emotions.
Why didn’t he just call me? Nothing is insurmountable. I wouldn’t have judged. I could have helped him problem solve. Or just listened. My sadness is profound and the loss is deep. And why the eff do people think I should be fully functioning again?!?! He was my only brother! I miss him.