Dear Kristopher,
I wish Carlos had woken me when you came to my house a week ago. I had been sleeping because I work a 12 hr night shift. The last time I saw you was so long ago that I don’t quite remember when it was. I wonder if you were stopping by to say goodbye. Did you hold my children one last time and tell them you loved them? Aedan has always had a special place in your heart. You didn’t know Yaritzi very well yet.
As you walked to the place where you would take your own life did you cry? Did your hands shake? Did you feel bad for the person who would find your body? Did you die instantly or did you suffer before succumbing? What pushed you over the edge? I will be looking for something anything that gives me insight into what you were experiencing. I feel like those Japanese trees that are all twisted and bent around and around.
I didn’t have the courage to go see your body. I couldn’t bring myself to make this real. That I would have to live the rest of my life with a hole in my heart where a brother use to be. This way I can almost pretend that you are still here but far away. I can think that it must be someone else. I feel no closure. I want to seek out the person who found you I want them to tell me what they saw how they felt. I want to read the police report. I desperately need closure but lack the courage to seek it. I need catharsis, I read stories and watch sad movies but nothing even scratches the surface of my pain. I am all sharp angles and pain then unfeeling in turns.
I recall the pain of the abuse we endured and I find a place in myself that understands your pain and it resounds in me. I always lacked the will to end my life. I always wanted to live so desperately I only wanted to end the anguish I felt. I always hoped you would find a way to get past your pain to overcome the past. That one day you would find a wife and I would hold your children the way you’ve held mine. I will break the cycle for you. This must end with me, I will give them a childhood they won’t have to recover from. In your memory I will hold them close and discipline them. I hope you found the peace you were searching for.
I love you.

I just don’t understand how I’m the only one whose angry! Why does my family not remember how Stephanie RUINED ALL OF US!!!??? Long before she fucked the family for life by killing herself, she hurt us in a million tiny & giant ways. Mostly giant.
Why does the suicide of a loved one automatically equate to a halo? My sister was beautiful & manipulative & violent & smart & athletic & sexy & an addict & a good mom & a shitty mom & mean & nice & lazy & driven & cruel … & you name it.
But she killed herself, and BAM none of those things were true anymore

Subject: Coroner rules Suicide, my sister had M.S.

Darling Brother
I just wanted to say that it has taken two years to get over the absolute horror of being told by one policeman that you were gone.
I came home from work late and the policeman told me off as apparently he had been trying to get hold of me since 13:00 that day. Training might be a good idea for him.
Anyway, I looked for you and found you in the Rhondda but I hoped that you would be OK.
I was wrong.
I should have known.
I am writing this on an obscure website because I have nowhere else to go.
It is the anniversary of you deciding to leave.
Bro, I wish you hadn’t made that decision.
Bro, that took some planning.
Bro, I would give up everything in the world just to hear you, see you.
Bro, I miss you more than should be possible.

Serg, we managed to get through our first fathers day without you… Your kids, I can only imagine had a rough time. We spent the day with dad as we are accustom to doing every year & of course with our older brother. You changed our life so much, it feels so wrong & so empty without you, we try to move forward but who are we kidding, you forced this extreme sadness upon us, mom is so sad and it breaks my heart.. not only are we heartbroken because you are not around but we also are heartbroken seeing our 78 yr old parents walking around with this deep pain that cannot be fixed, they are just waiting for god to take them away and all I can do is try to comfort them while holding back so much inside that it hurts me to my core. I pray for them every night in hope that god will give them some peace and take away the guilt they carry, I wish I could take away all their pain myself but unfortunately I can’t so I try my best to distract them somehow. We lit your candle all day during fathers day, I know you were there. I hope you are happy and enjoying our family that has gone to heaven. We will never ever be the same but I guess we have no choice but to try to live without you. I miss you so much that it hurts me, I feel anxiety & this weird pain in my stomach to think that I cannot see you, hug you, touch you, talk to you, get mad at you, text you, call you NOTHING, why Serg why. The worst part is that we loved you more than our own life, we protected you, we helped you but yet you left and we feel guilt for not doing enough.. I have never been selfish, I know you did this because you must of felt so low that you couldn’t see a way out but we would of done anything for you!!! This was so unfair, you changed the course of our happy loving family life we did not deserve this but yet we Love YOU, we look forward to seeing you again. Love, Your sis that will forever adore you and misses you so much.

Trying to Cope with these Feelings

My only sibling, younger brother of 24, committed suicide on June 7, 2018 by gun shot under the influence of narcotics and alcohol. I live in Denver, CO so I was informed a few hours after the incident after arriving to work. My family notified my place of employment so that when they told me, I wouldn’t be alone for long. I’ve never felt a feeling of weakness quite like I did trying to get out of my car. My legs were so weak that I melted to the ground, uncontrollably sobbing. I remember getting random messages asking if I knew from certain friends and family, but I ignored them thinking that if I didn’t indulge them then everything would be normal. The flight from Denver to my parents was the longest flight I had ever been on, even though it was only a few hours.
Upon hearing the news, my social media blew up. I was receiving messages, posts, texts, and phone calls so rapidly that I had to turn off my phone. Receiving so many prayers from friends and family, showing love and support, made me angry. I rather it all be traded in, leaving me with no love support or friends, and just have my brother back.
People show their condolences, and even told me of stories were they lost their love ones, however it wasn’t the same to me. They lost a love one due to sickness or freak accidents, I lost my love one because he took his life.
I have gone through waves of sadness, anger, and guilt. Guilt has been the worst to deal with. I feel guilty for not being there, not helping enough, and even after his death, I feel guilty for even the slightest smile, eating, and reminiscing on good times. I feel guilty for wanting the support to leave and guilty for the lack of support I gave to him.
I wish I could have told him how much I look forward to making memories with him as our life went on. I wish I told him more that I admired him as a human and I wish he could see how many people are hurt and devastated from losing him.
I am having trouble finding the right way to get my emotions out. People tell me that I can’t keep it in, because that isn’t healthy. I’m not 100% sure what is a healthy way of coping with a loss this heartbreaking, and I am scared for what the future holds for me and my family.
SDB

This is a sibling letter for the SiblingSurvivors site. Please review and approve/disapprove as appropriate. Remove this part (including blank lines before the post content) before you
Dear Nicolas.
I feel kind of silly, writing a letter to you on some random website I found. But, I just don’t know where else to go. I’ve tried everything, even seeing a medium to try to talk to you. I miss you, so much. It never gets easier baby brother. Im still so proud of you, all you did in the Navy. Your friends miss you. We miss you. You were so young, you had so much more ahead of you that we couldn’t wait to see. But I guess life just got to be too much.
I wish you would have came to me, or our brother and sister. None of us would ever have judged you. We would have done anything for you. Nothing can measure the void you left in our hearts. It’s so easy to pretend youre still on base and you’ll be home for Christmas. But you won’t be. Why can’t I accept that? I wish I could have done more to help you, Nicky. I feel so much guilt and sorrow. Everyday I cry for you. Can you hear me when I talk to you?
It was us four forever. We’ve been through so much together, and now it’s just us three and nothing feels right anymore. I miss you. I can never say it enough. I hope that you’re okay now, that your with Mom. We love you Nicky. No matter what, for always. We love you to the moon and back baby brother. You’re always with us. ♡

Still Missing you Kate

Friends, I love reading your posts because they are truly inspiring, though sad, and obviously touch my heart too.
I lost my sister Kate back in April. It was a sudden shock, and as most of us, I was in shock for the first month or so. Going up to Toronto to gather her few belongings and ashes was truly torturous and sad. We came home and had the service, and the most difficult thing in my life was delivering her eulogy. No, I didn’t make it through without tears, but who cares?
Anyway, I’ve been trying to put her out of my mind and focus on work, but as I’m sure you all know, during certain times; driving home, getting ready for bed, and even waking up the thoughts creep into my mind. Could I have done more? Maybe, but it wouldn’t have changed the outcome. I’ve decided that simply ignoring and burying my feelings isn’t the way to do things. I’ve found a local support group for survivor siblings and plan to attend. Yes, it’s not even been three months yet, and I don’t know that I’ll ever get over this, and will never forget my beloved sister, but thought maybe talking to like minded people might help. I pray nightly for everyone on this site, and everyone who has lost someone and hasn’t found this site. I’ll continue to read your letters because I can honestly feel the emotion in them and it makes me feel less lonely.

Ross, my big brother.

Ross was third son out of five sons that my mother had. I am the fourth so Ross would have been about 36 when he took his own life. He lived in France for most of his married life with his two daughters and one son. Admittedly i barely spoke to him unless he would come back on rare visits to the UK.
I don’t remember the specific date but it was sometime in April 2013 when I had received a phone call from another of my older brothers. I was out with a friend in the nearest town to us and we had to pick up a package and hoped to get some lunch and enjoy a little road trip. We were just arriving into town when i answered my phone and brother told me that Ross had hung himself and had only 2 hours to live.
I could barely make out his voice through his tears and crying. I sort of froze. It just didn’t compute. My friend asked me in an innocent caring way if everything was ok. I simply replied, “um..no, o dont think so…actually.” That was all i could say.
My friend went to pick up her package after we parked up and i went to the nearest pub to have a really strong drink and numb the growing despair and shock. I ordered my drink, sat down and just stared at it. I don’t know how long i sat there. Probably not more than 20 minutes when i realised that i had to tell my Mum. I knew that nobody else would even consider her in this knowing my family. I also knew that by telling her I would be tearing her whole world apart. My head was all over the place by that point and just didnt think about what i was doing except that i knew that i had to do it so nobody else had to. I had to spare family and anyone else from doing this.
I told her.
She begged me that it wasn’t true.
We said our goodbyes and she was screaming and crying as we hung up.
The most horrible thing I have ever had to do.
In the months afterwards, I would stay with my Mum for a little while and see some of my family.
He had to be cremated in France as we could not afford to bring him back home. Instead we held a service for him attended by his family and friends.
I will never forget my Mum crying by his grave stone as the rain came down. I stood there just back a little from her. My grandfather stood the same distance away and i heard him say (mostly so nobody could hear him) “Oh Ross. My boy.” He then walked away so as to not show his tears to my Mum. I said nothing. I stood there gradually getting soaked. I felt myself really welling up. I took my Grandfather’s approach and walked away so as my Mum didn’t see me. I needed to be strong like I had been already.
This is the most horrible story I have ever had to tell and the worst part is, it is all true. This happened in the spring of 2013 and it will stay with me forever.
Let’s reach out to people together. This does not need to happen anymore.

I miss you so much

I miss you so much brother , it’s been two months since I lost my personality twin, I was supposed to be rock and you left me… you left me sad and heartbroken why did you do that? I loved you so much , although you didn’t make good choices at times I was always your #1 supporter. You left with a piece of me, and each day I fall more and more sad and empty and I don’t know if I’ll ever recover this sadness I just miss you so dearly… idk how to cope with these kind of things .. I don’t 🙁 . I smell your cologne every day I sleep with you on my neck but it doesn’t help.. it doesn’t help me at all. I just want to hear your voice again I miss you man